Hair... now and then

I forgot how long and lushes my hair used to be... I miss it.




I love my short hair but I do really miss having long hair too. I had short hair for so many years and had only just grown it so it was a kick in the teeth having to cut it all off just in case it was going to fall out. I can not believe how much hair I have left though and am very lucky to still have it so should not really moan, but when I see photos of me with long thick beautiful hair, full eyebrows and lashes It does get me a little down.




I did not wear make up for a few weeks when I was ill and when I put make up on for the first time I was surprised to see I did not really have any eyelashes left. I now wear fake eyelashes if I am going out anywhere special. I also have not realised how thin my eyebrows have got until I looked at some old photos. My hair has thinned a lot but still have plenty left. Its been growing, but very finely. So I am going to have it cut very short at some point.



I can not wait to see how my hair grows back. It should be thick and shiny as ever! My eyelashes might even grow back thicker and longer too... I am hoping anyway. I just hope I do not get too hairy everywhere else!!

A trip to the hospital

After being in bed for a few days last week I felt well enough to get up. On the Thursday I went into Leicester for the cancer research - race for life launch. I had photos taken and spoke to a journalist and appeared in the Leicester Mercury the next day.

My sleeping pattern had been all over the place for a while and was making me feel really crap. Friday night I started to feel very unwell again. The next day I felt even worse and had to stay in bed. I was annoyed as I had arranged to see a friend I had not since since last July and it was also a beautiful day. I opened all my windows so that I could get some fresh air. It really felt like spring was on its way that day. I was gutted not to be able to enjoy it by being outside.

Joe came up later that day to bring my stuff up from Brighton. I had lost my appetite completely and I know someone is wrong when that happens. Joe had brought up a my favourite pasty from Hastings which I had to eat whether I was hungry or not.

I spent most of the day snoozing. It got to about 8 o'clock and I realised I had not been taking my temperature. In fact I had lost my thermometer and told mum. Mum managed to find it, good old mums eh! So I took my temperature and it was a little high. I had been told that if you get a high temperature you should ring the hospital.Being a Saturday night we all thought perhaps we should leave it till the morning. However, I had been taking Ibuprophen and this can mask your true temp.

I had a quick look on the Internet and came across a condiditon called Neutropenic sepsis. It can come on quite rapidly but is usually worst 7-14 days after chemotherapy.The condition develops when low white blood cells, especially the type which fight bacterial infections called neutrophils (neutropenia) do not cause any symptoms until an infection develops. It can be life threatening if you do not get yourself to the hospital so I knew then I had to call them.

They told me to make my way in and to bring an over night bag as I might have to stay. Joe took me in and we ended up having to wait quite a while as he the doctor had just been called out on an emergency. Another lady had come in at the same time with a temperature too. We waited to get our blood taken then waited till about half one in the morning to get the results. They told me I was neutrppenic and had to stay in hospital. The other lady was lucky enough to go home.

I was pleased when they took me to a private room. The doctor examined me and explained everything. She told me I could be in for five days. I was not too pleased to hear that but knew I would be better off there. I was put on a drip and by this time it was around three in the morning. I was tired and felt terrible and did not get to sleep till about 4. I was then woken up at 6 in the morning to have my antibiotics through a drip. I was hoping I could get some rest but then I was taken to get a chest X-ray.

It was the other side of the hospital and a porter wheeled me over. I was waiting for my X-ray and there were a few people in there looking a little worse for wear. Two girls looked like they had been out and looked like they had got beaten up. One old lady looked like a corpse and another lady was in serious pain. My name was called and I went in. When I stood up I felt like I was nearly going to collapse. I waited for a bit for the porter to come back and get me, I felt awful, I thought I was going too pass out.

Finally I got back to my bed and was offered a cooked breakfast which I passed on. the food was absolutely disgusting and not fit for a dog let alone cancer patients. A doctor came to see me and said that next time I should have the booster jab for my white blood cells. I told her that I normally do and I had forgotten to ask about it. The doctor looked through my notes and saw that the oncologist had in fact prescribed it for me and there was even a letter to be sent to the district nurse to come out two days after my chemo. This meant someone had not doe their job and because of this my blood levels got so low and I ended up in hospital. I was so annoyed that this could have been avoided.

My parents and Joe came into visit. The visiting hours were long which was great. So had company all day.

When Joe had left a nurse came in and said I had to move to the ward. I was gutted to be moving to a ward with other people but someone needed it much more then me. I found out it was a friends dad who had not long to live after battling cancer for 3 years.. I felt incredibly sad. Nobody should have to go through that. I send all my love to his family.

I did not get much sleep that night. Hospitals are not very relaxing places. There is always so much going on and the snoring does not help either!

I think I must of got three hours sleep. Again I got woke up at six to have my antibiotics. A night nurse then comes round with the the day nurses to tell them who you are and what is going on and then its breakfast, so you can not even get a couple more hours sleep in. I had my bloods taken again and waited for the results, hoping I would be able to go home. I did not hear anything till quite late and unfortunately my blood levels were still too low but the nurse said there it was still possible I could leave the next day.

My vein was killing me and was swollen from where I was having fluids put in. I asked the nurse to change to cannula and she was reluctant to do it and first. She decided to put the next lot of antibiotics in regardless which annoyed me and when I shouted out in pain she then changed it.

I was getting really bad headaches every time I got up and found out this was because I had low blood pressure. The headaches were so painful but disappeared once I laid down. There was not much I could do about it either.

That night a lady in the ward was snoring like a walrus and again I did not get much sleep. I was desperate for a good nights sleep and knew I was not going to get one till I got home. Its impossible to even try and sleep early as there is too much going on.

I was waiting for the doctor to come and tell me I could go home but I did not get the news I wanted. She said I was still neutropenic and it was best I stayed in. I thought well I can handle just one more day but after that I had to go home.

I had my bloods taken again. My bloods were going up which was a good sign.

I got to speak to some of the other women on the ward. Each one had different types of cancer which had spread and were going through a really tough time of it. It made me think hope really lucky I am to only be going through what I am and that it could be so much worse.

The next day I finally got the news I was waiting for. I could leave! I had to wait for my prescription of antibiotics before I could leave though. Someone else needed my bed so I had to wait in the daycare room. My older sister had surprised me with a visit which was great and then another friend came to visit. Mum and dad came about half three to pick me up but I was still waiting for my prescription. We did not get to leave till just before six.

I was so glad to get out of there and to go home back to my bed and some proper homemade cooking. I had the best nights sleep ever. I slept a whole twelve hours! I am feeling a lot better now.

So not quite the last few days I was expecting. I guess it was a change of scenery for a while though and the experience was no way near as horrible as when I had gone in to hospital down south for my surgery and the nurses were a lot more friendly too.

So my last chemo is next wednesday. I am so pleased and am nearly over the worst now.

Spread your wings and fly

I have been lying in bed for the last three days exhausted from the last drug injection! I have never felt so exhausted. I do not feel too bad when I am laid down but if I get up and try and do anything I feel like I am going to collapse. I have a few aches and pains and started to get a sore mouth but nothing like last time. I have this weird pins and needles feeling in my legs and feet. Its not quite the same but rather fewer pins and bigger needles!

I have not been sleeping too well. I spent most of Saturday drifting in and out of consciousness. I do not mind feeling tired and sleeping.. at least it passes the time away. I had been doing some drawings the day before. Its been such a long time since I sat down and drew, I was really enjoying it!

I have so much time to think at the moment that I am trying to make sense of the all the stuff that happens in my life, the good and especially the bad. I have been going through an emotional roller coaster as well as a physical one. The physical one is more straight forward as in its in the hands of the doctors and all I can do is rest and look after myself. The emotional side is the tougher one to deal with.

I am very analytical and like to believe everything happens for a reason whether it be good or bad. I was always quite spiritual and philosophical but when something like this happens to you I think you really do take more time out to stop and think about life and where you are going with it.

I feel like I have struggled in life and never achieved what I've wanted, but I think most the time I was running away and hoping to find happiness in other things such as love or some new place to live. Of course its all down to you make yourself happy. While I was running away from everything I felt like I was waiting for something big to happen to me rather then me going out there and getting it. it did not help being unsure about what it was I really wanted, so found it hard to know what to go and get. I guess waiting around for something to happen was all I could do until I really knew what that was.

I am not sure I would like to say getting cancer was the big thing I was waiting for but it certainly is helping me grow as a person and changing a lot of things in my life. A lot of good has come out of it so far and I'm pretty sure there is more to come. You just can not let something bad that happens to you take over and ruin your life. I believe we are thrown the bad stuff at us to learn and grow from and I do believe we are not thrown stuff our way if we can not handle it.

Life does seem incredibly cruel at times and boy don't I know it. I feel like I am the leading lady in some tragic love story sometimes or some fairy tale. Being a Leo I love to love and am a hopeless romantic. I have always put love first and career second. I think that is a mistake I have made in the past because its never got me anywhere. I have neglected myself too often. My heart rules my head unfortunately and its not done myself any favours!

Of course I can not wait to meet the person I am to spend the rest of my life with but I think timing is important. Some people meet their long life partners so early, some it takes years. I think you meet them when it is right time in your life. I believe that to be true in my case. I have met guys who appeared to be the right person but the timing has been wrong. Its sad and causes heartache but such is life. I believe you should learn from every relationship you go through. I feel like it is almost preparing me for when I do meet "the one".

Apart from love which is probably my favourite subject I think a lot about the future and what it holds for me. I think about the past and what it has done to me. I often worry that I am nearly 30 and do not have a career underway. I am not bothered about not having my own mortgage, car, family as I have never desired those things at an early age and never wanted to conform anyway but I have always wanted a job I love doing. I was never happy doing any old job just to get by, or to help me consume material things.

I feel my life has to have more purpose and I do not feel happy living the way society wants me to live. I was given a creative talent which has been wasted. We can not all me lawyers, doctors, office workers otherwise the world would be an incredibly boring place. I think its sad that i was never pushed at school to excel at what I was good at and to be told to take a direction I had no interest in. Its got me no where and I feel has slowed down the process of me doing anything.

I was never given the drive, confidence and motivation to go out and get what I want. It seems OK to have dreams of becoming a doctor or a lawyer but when its something creative it is only a dream and how could you possible achieve that. Well people do don't they? Wouldn't life be so dull and boring without rock stars, fashion designers, creative writers, actors and artists. Why are we all encouraged to do more academic subjects even when we are obviously more creative.

I do feel my dyslexia has held me back and it shouldn't have. It has only held be back because it wasn't not accepted as a learning difficulty in my day and at the school I went to. I'm sure if I had been given the encouragement and confidence I needed I may have got further getting the career I want.

This is the way things are and now I am building my own confidence and self esteem and can no longer blame my past for everything. I think I had been a victim of myself for too long. I was constantly blaming other things and people around me for why my life was not the way I wanted it to be. You can only do that for so long.

I feel if you do not learn from your mistakes, past relationships, and experiences such as having cancer then you will not never move on and and the old patterns will keep repeating themselves.

Have you ever thought. "Why does this keep happening to me?" I did all the time. I felt my life was going round and round in circles and not getting anywhere . I never broke off from old patterns in my life. I was not learning from my past. I was clinging on and not letting go and blaming everything around me.

I would go into another relationship scared because I had been in an abusive or distrusting one. I would treat that person like I would the previous one. I have been with guys who have obviously not learnt from their past relationships too and have treated me like I was the ex that hurt them by being either insecure. possessive, jealous or distrusting.

Its impossible the make a relationship work if your still clinging on to old patterns and ideas. It just destroys it. It has certainly taken me a few boyfriends to realise this.

Its the same with everything in life. I did not realise until recently that trying to seek happiness in other things was just me running away from the real issues I had.

Nothing can bring you that ultimate happiness but yourself.

I am on this journey alone. Its tough but I know Its making me stronger, wiser, positive and spiritually aware more then I ever have been. Its still early days but cancer will have been the big kick up the backside I needed to go and live my life without fear and to brake away from those old patterns.

I believe in animal spirit guides and have always loved butterflies and what they symbolise. They are such beautiful delicate creatures that start off as caterpillars going through a journey of transformation evolving into a butterfly.

"The butterfly is the symbol of metamorphosis and transformation.
The symbol of new life, letting go of old cycles and finding your true inner expression.
The butterfly calls you to expand your awareness, spread your wings and call forth your inner joy.

Let go of limitations, and free yourself to express your own beauty within.

It is the time of spiritual transitions. Symbolic of moving from one phase of life to the next reaching higher, reaching outward, leaving the safety of the cocoon and finding your own place among the flowers of life.

Allowing the wind to carry you forward to your goals and dreams. A time of self-discovery rebirth. The butterfly shows you the beauty within.

Go forth with joy."

Expecting to fly.....

is a beautiful song amongst many others that are helping me feel very mellow after two days on steroids and today's chemo. I am surprised and very happy to be feeling calm right now.I am feeling high but in a more subdued and laid-back way. Its quite a contrast to how I was feeling last time. As much fun as I had I probably did not do myself any favours having a mad one, although its certainly on the cards for my last chemo sesh!

I felt a little manic and twitchy on the steroids yesterday so I went out for tea and cake in a country cafe with my sister and two nieces. It was a beautiful sunny and frosty day and a very much needed drive out. I was scared to stay in feeling wired and someone getting the brunt of my hysteria. Going out and doing something is possibly the best thing you can do while on these maniacal pills! As soon as I got back home I started to feel a little restless. I started to knit so I had something to keep my hands occupied and managed to sit in front of the TV without getting up and climbing the walls.

I got to sleep earlier then I had the previous time but woke up feeling I'd barely slept a wink. It was an early morning, for me anyway and not something you are ecstatic about rising early for either. I had to get my bloods done at the hospital as did not arrange for a nurse to come out in time the day before so I knew that there would be some waiting around again.

I had woken up in a bit of a bad mood and it took reading some spiritual books to snap me out of it and I started to feel happier and calmer. I saw a different oncologist, a lovely lady who was extremely helpful. She told my my bloods were fine apart from being a little anemic. She prescribed me some iron tablets and some mouth wash just in case I got a sore mouth again. I feel a little more prepared for the next few days now and hopefully won't suffer anywhere as near as bad as I did last time.

It was a little while until I got to have my chemo and I was feeling surprisingly patient. I guess I was expecting it this time and reading books and a bit of knitting helped pass the time away. It was great not to feel sick this time too, I think it being the first TAX chemo last time and not really knowing what to expect made me feel anxious and a little nauseous. The only thing I was dreading was the cold cap.

The time arrived, the ice cap went on and gave me the ice cream headache. This time the nurse gave me some pain killers, but guaranteed every time it was changed I was in pain. We did not have scrabble to occupy ourselves this time so some old hospital mags had to do. Only managing to look at the pictures, reading was too painful behind the eyeballs!

The nurse was impressed with how much hair I still have left and said I was likely to keep most of it now. Having thick hair and cut really short will have helped a lot. Its defiantly thinner but I do not think you could tell I have been losing it. I have lost a few eyelashes which are looking quite scraggly with mascara on but I am loving not having to shave! I guess the only down side is I will not get the curly hair I have always dreamt of. I said to mum "Shall I not use the cool cap for the last chemo, lose my hair so that it'll come back curly?" I think you can guess what she replied to that?

Time was up! Yes! There was no way I was going home so we suggested we went out for dinner and went to the flicks. I wolfed down a pizza and then we went so see a a great film even if slightly sad and left mum and I blubbing at the end. 7 pounds with Will Smith, defiantly worth a watch. The film left me feeling very tranquil. It was set in California and he lived in a beautiful beach house on the west coast. Now I could picture myself somewhere like that in few years time! I had been reading a book my American friend sent me on creative visualisation... now this is something I am going to be visualising!!

Only one more chemo to go!!!!!!!!!

We arrived back home and I put on some mellow tunes to keep me in that tranquil state I was in. It worked! I still feel very imperturbable and enjoying it! I have just had a mug of hot milk and laid back and day dreamt for a while and then thought it would be perfect to write a new post while I am feeling so very serene and buoyant. It does not happen often! Feels great to write such a positive post!

Out of the darkness and into the light, lets hope it lasts!

These photos were taken in New Zealand. Lying in some long grass with the sun beating down on my face is where I would like to be right now.

I dreamt of the most vividly bright and colorful rainbow the other night. I went to touch it and it started to bend and warp. A rainbow in a dream predicts the end of all your troubles followed by great happiness. Other interpretations include a blessing, new hope, emerging triumphantly from a difficult period. A divine symbol representing balance and harmony.

Sounds good to me!

A winter wonderland

The last two weeks I realised that I still had some things from the past I needed to let go off. It can be a tough lesson but as long as you realise it and finally let go and put it to rest then you can embrace the new things that come into your life. In dreams snow symbolises new beginnings. I like to think that this is the case in reality especially for me at this time.

I feel like I have only just about got over the last chemo and the last but one is approaching already. Its been a really tough last week, emotionally and physically. I had felt so crap for so long that it was really getting to me and started to worry about everything from the present to the future. I really don't need to be worrying about the future right now but when your lying in bed for days bored out of your mind because you have tired of all possible things to keep you amused, which is not a lot then there seems not much else to do.

I can be my worst enemy, I do my own head in! I think way too much and analyse things and become frustrated and impatient. There seemed to be too much going on in my head last week and I felt like I really couldn't deal with it... I can of course but when your heads gone into that dark place it doesn't feel that way. Its hard to separate the way your feeling because of the chemo and just the way you can be generally. The chemo zaps you of all your energy and it feels like even your soul. I do not feel myself most of the time at the moment. I know it wont last forever I just find it hard to be around people when I feel like that. I would rather wallow in my own misery by myself. It doesn't matter what anyone says to you because they don't understand how your feeling. All the "Its nearly over" and"try and stay positive"'s don't mean a thing to you when you feel this low.

There are times when I feel like I'm going to lose it or I just want to run away from it all and forget about cancer. Cancer... I'm sick of the word, I hate it! Its everywhere, it happens to too many people, good people too., people who do not deserve this terrifying and evil disease. For the ones that have a chance of survival and get through it, I'm sure have learnt and grown from the tough and exhausting experience but for the ones who have no chance of survival, how do they stay positive and make sense of it. It angers and heartbreaks me. I am a very spiritual person who believe everything happens for a reason but when you hear of someone that has cancer with only months to live I just don't know what to think. Life can be so cruel.

I could now rant on about a few issues but am going to refrain for now!

This post is turning into a negative one so I will change the mood as its not all doom and gloom... but just one more last sad bit of news. Our last surviving dog Blue had to be put down on Sunday. He was deteriorating slowly and all of a sudden he seemed very unwell and we agreed the time had come. He'd had a long and good life and felt the suffering should no longer go on. He was a quiet dog and you almost forgot he was even there at times but it was very strange having him no longer laid in the middle of the kitchen floor anymore.

I was glad when last week was over. I have been feeling better this week. I still have a lingering sore throat and am very tired at the moment. Its been nice to wake up to snow every morning. The world seems so beautiful and magical when its covered in it. Its not quite as exciting when your not snowed in and its stopping you going to school or work though. I wished the snow had fallen last week when I was stuck in bed as now I feel better I want to go out but its a bit risky with the icy roads. I did not let it stop me yesterday though and I went to see a friend who it seemed I had not seen for ages. It was very very good spending time with them and it cheered me up enormously.

So next Wednesday is my last but one chemo. I do not actually dread the chemo anymore but the cold cap. It is so painful and makes me feel sick. It does worsen the experience but with all the hair I still have left it has to be worth it! I have no idea whether by the end of it I will still have hair or not. I think it will be pretty amazing if I do. To keep it for as long as I have already I would recommend it to anyone who will be undergoing chemotherapy.

Well I have not enjoyed the snow as much as I would like to have done but I hope you all have made the most of it!