Monday, 4 January 2010
I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas and new year! I have to say mine was miles better then last year! I still can not believe 2009 has gone by that quickly. Thank goodness it did!
I thought I would just update you with the last few months. I would also like some advice from previous BC sufferers about my current situation too!
As some of you know I deleted my facebook a month ago. Not only is it a distraction but I also wanted to feel more of a sense of privacy. I am a very open person and felt too open to the world on facebook. My blog however I feel is different even though I am being open with my emotions. My breast cancer journey is not quite over yet and think its important for me to carry on with them. Not only for me but for my friends and family, so they can understand what I am still going through and also for anyone going through what I am.
I have now been on Tamoxifen for the last 7 months now. At first I didn't seem to have any problems. My periods had stopped with the chemo so I had already experienced the physical side of an early menopause. Thankfully my periods have come back. Like most drugs the side effects started to rear their ugly heads. For at least 2 weeks a month (normally a week before and during my period) I do not feel myself at all. I am over sensitive, irrational, irritable, depressed, insecure and some times pretty mental!
To some women this may sound like PMT. I experience PMT, but that is nothing to what I feel at the moment. I cry at the smallest things and I mean the smallest things! I wake up feeling incredibly depressed for absolutely no reason at all. Which I can not bare especially at the moment when I really do not have any thing to be down about.
When I feel like this I just want to hide away from the world. I do not like people seeing me like it and to those who I am closet too it is too easy to take it out on them and I have done and feel terrible for doing so. I think my poor boyfriend and mum get the brunt of most if. Its silly how the ones you love the most are the ones you can easily be vile too. I'm pretty sure I was miserable and not very nice before my sister went away travelling. At the time I really didn't know why and thought it was just me.
A pattern emerged and I realised it was not just me. I think perhaps a combination of my periods coming back and being due on with a drug that is trying to suppress my hormones, they almost don't know whether they are coming or going so just end up going berserk instead!
I have gone back to feeling like a recluse again. I have no desire to socialise at the moment and can not even be bother to talk to people sometimes. Not good when I have just started college. There are days when I go into college and wish I did not have to talk to anyone.
Some times I feel very insecure, even more so then when I was really skinny and had lost some of hair and all of my eye lashes and eye brows. All my hair has grown back, I'm a normal weight again and so do not have much of a reason to feel insecure.
I had a look on the breast cancer care website to see if other people were feeling the same way on hormone treatment. I wanted to be certain it wasn't just me. I felt reassured to see that lots of women were feeling the same and that this is a common side effect.
Its awful not feeling yourself when you know it is down to drugs you are taking that you have to take for the next five years! I am going to talk to someone about it but not sure who as I do not have a great relationship with my Oncologist as I never had a great relationship with him because I switched places half way through and do not have a breast care nurse. If anyone reading this has been through what I am I would love any advice. I do not want to feel like this for the next 5 years.
On a more exciting note I am due to see my surgeon this month about my reconstruction. I am very very eager to get it done and think it will be a huge boost to my confidence.
College is going amazingly well! I am so happy being creative again and learning new things. The last term however has been super stressful and intense. I eat, breathe, sleep, college and do not have much of a life outside of it. Maybe not such a bad thing though, at least its keeping me out of trouble.
I have had three full on projects on the go. A project/competition to design an outfit for George at Asda, a dance wear project for a play, Anything Goes and a millinery project/competition for the Royal Shakespeare Company (my absolute fav!) As well as that we have had other various things such as a report, presentation and essay to do. I was very happy to find out that I got a 2.1 for my presentation, especially as writing and speaking are not what I am best at. Oh and how could I forget life drawing..... although the last thing you want to do on a Monday morning is draw a naked man!
So college is very enjoyable despite being very hard work. I feel like I have finally gone down the right route and this will definitely take me somewhere. I am excited to find out where! I would rather get into costume then fashion. Doing a fashion and a costume project last term confirmed this.
Apart from that I have enjoyed the autumn and winter months, going on as many walks as I can. Mainly down to the locks where there is a slight incentive when you get there.... good ole Rosie! Dad and I try and go most Sundays. Joe and I went on the most exciting walk yet last Sunday. Walking off the beaten track and discovering things we never knew where there. I had woken up feeling very depressed that morning and the walk was just what I needed, it instantly lifted me.
I do love September up until the new year. Autumn (cider season!) is so beautiful and so much goes on until the end of the year. The winter solstice and the huge build up to Christmas when we make our homes all cosy and festive with fairy lights and decorations. What I love more though is Halloween and Bonfire night. I am such a big kid!
Christmas I spent in Leicester and Hastings. I spent most of it making all my Christmas presents and making mine and Joe's fancy dress outfit for a new year's party. I went as Cleopatra and Joe a Viking! I think we suited these characters rather well! It certainly was hard for us to both get into character too.
So apart from having problems with tamoxifen everything else is great. I love being back in Foxton and being close to my family. College is going well and keeping me busy. Joe is hopefully moving up this year which I am excited about. It has been difficult seeing each other regularly when I have so much college work to do. I hate being apart for too long.
I am loving the cold crisp and frosty days and the occasional snow shower. I woke up on new years day to a blizzard. i thought this was a great way to wake up to a new year!