Living with breast cancer in my twenties

Got a date....

2011-11-19T16:13:00.003Z

I have finally got a date for my reconstruction. I saw my new surgeon this week and was over the moon with what he will be doing and confident that this time things will go a bit more smoothly.

He told my my recon in the breast I had cancer in was done like an older ladies breast. I was shocked when he said this and that my old surgeon had done it that way when there was an alternative. My new surgeon said that its because BC is not as common in young women and so that the usual way of doing the reconstruction is this

Basically my breast is flat at the top and has no fleshy bit like most young women's boobs are. So he will be putting a new bigger implant in. This implant is a new one that has foam around it which is hard for 2 months then softens creating more of a natural look. He is also putting a new one in my right breast as this one has dropped and buckled. Its weighed my breast down so will need an uplift too.

My nipple recon will be done at the same time. I am hoping this will finally be the end of surgery, for a few years at least. I can not wait to get it finally sorted! I am glad I've not rushed back into it and taken a year out. I've been so busy with my new business I wouldn't have had time to take off anyway and it feels like this year has been my year.

So 1st February I will be having my surgery. Look forward to getting done but also not looking forward to go through all that pain again! Hopefully it will be worth it!!

In the mean time I can distract myself with all the festivities. I have my Winter Wonder-Glam fashion show coming up on the 26th Nov which is going to bigger and better then the last. I have been making outfits which is quite exciting as I have never had my own creations up on a catwalk before.

I will be writing about my fashion show on my Forest Elf blog.

My Forest Elf Boutique Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/forestelfvintageboutique

Save a boob!

2011-10-06T13:18:00.009+01:00

Its breast cancer awareness month so am reminding everyone to check their breasts. I had a little chat on radio BBC Leicester this week about BC. Which I am always so nervous doing but very happy doing it. Apparently I am a local celeb! I've also been in a couple of magazines and papers about my BC story and Forest Elf.

So it has been a while since I last updated my blog. This year has been one AMAZING year! It was the autumn equinox 2 weeks ago and pretty much 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, so I was feeling very reflective upon the last few years.

For the first time in a long long time I feel very happy, settled, content and proud. I often forget what I have been through and do not give myself enough credit.I feel like I go through life like its a dream. Everything that happens to me good and bad doesn't ever really seem to sink in.

A wake up and some days and have to remind myself that I am finally where I want to be in life. I have my own business, I live somewhere I love, I am so happy in my relationship with Joe, and not forgetting the biggest thing that I am alive and well and I beat breast cancer! Even when I had BC I don't think I realised how big a deal it really was.

Its crazy to think its been such a struggle to "find myself" but then isn't that what life is all about. I'm not sure you ever find yourself 100% but to be happy and content with who you are is whats most important.

So Forest Elf Boutique is going well and my launch party was a huge success! I was buzzing all weekend! I loved organising it and it made me feel like I had really achieved something big. I am doing some vintage fairs and hope to do festivals next year. I am also going to be putting on regular fashion show parties.I would love the business to grow and expand into my ultimate dream.

Back to the breast cancer side. I haven't heard from my plastic surgeon since I saw him in April which is probably a good thing as I really think I did need time to come to terms with things and accept that I am never going to have a perfect set of boobs. I have gone from wanting another mastectomy to having a breast lift and now I am thinking of just having the implant replaced. Why do I want to go through all that pain again and end up with loads of scars to try and make things look more better when they still wont be as perfect as I would like. Its madness! All I needed to be is just happy with within myself. I know Joe loves me whatever I look like and it was only me with the problem. I guess half of me was so angry that this disease had taken my breast that I wanted a perfect set back but that really is not possible and I am not going to put my body through anything more then I have too. My nipple does need reconstructing and my implant does need replacing so that's all I am going to have done.

I have not seen my surgeon so I am hoping this is OK. I don't see why not. It would be good to have it at the beginning of next year when nothing is going on and then have a holiday abroad to have a break!

You can visit my boutique on line at www.forestelf.co.uk or even better come and visit it in person at The Stable Yard, Main street, Cotesbach, LE17 4HX

You can also be a fan of my facebook page by clicking on this link and liking the page -

http://www.facebook.com/ForestElfVintageBoutique11

Hope you all enjoyed the summer and look forward to all the autumn and winter festivities!

Do not forget to check your boobs!!!

Invite to my next fashion show party

Enjoying life

2011-05-25T23:29:00.006+01:00

Its been nearly 3 months since I have been in my new place. I have settled in well and am enjoying being here. I have enjoyed lots of bank holidays and birthday parties here and the amazing weather we had. Too much drinking in The Sickle but lots of fun! I have made some really friends here who look out for you. Mini is enjoying it here too, think she is in cat heaven. Coming home dirty everyday and bringing me a present rabbit or mouse which I not too ecstatic about.

Joe bought a boat which we have had lots of fun on including running out of petrol and having to sleep in a farmers greenhouse at a freezing 1.30 in the morning and row back 3 miles the next day with stinking hangovers! Its not put me off at all and can't wait till he gets a bigger boat.

Forest Elf is going well and have been in the paper and a local magazine which I will continue to have features in.I have 3 stalls coming up in the summer which I am very excited about. If your not friends with me on face book and would like to then you can just find me under Forest Elf.

Joe also moves over in a month and is having a new forge built in the stable yard where he will have his blacksmiths business. The plan is for me to get my own workshop here too in the near future.

So all is good on the living and working side. As my surgery goes, well I am just confused again. I saw a new plastic surgeon up in Leicester in April who was very lovely but thought it was unnecessary to get a mastectomy. This maybe the case but I am so sick of surgery I feel like being done with it all.

I could just have a breast lift but the surgeon said I would need more surgery after I had children or I could wait till after I had children. Well that could be 5 years away and I don't think its good to have an implant in that has dropped and buckled and is making my skin stretch.

I am slightly put off by the idea of having another mastectomy as I did not realise that I would have to have exactly the same done on the other side. This means more skin, muscle and fat taken from the back to put in the breast. I am not too bothered about another scar on my back, after all I will be covered in them. I think its the pain I was in from the last surgery I could not handle again. I am not looking forward to any more surgery and would love to say enough and if my implant had not dropped that would be it and all I would have to have done was the nipple recon.

What ever I have done I am thinking of having it the beginning of next year.Even though its the most depressing time of the year I figured this would be a good time as nothing will be going on and it will be quiet business wise.

I am hopeless at making the smallest decisions and it took me ages to decide on my last surgery. I just hope what ever I decide It will go right this time and I will be happy with it and not have to go under the knife for at least another 10 years!

I will be so relieved when its all over. The whole experience of going through surgery, the pain and being hospital I do not cope very well with.

I hope 2011 is a surgery free year but in the mean time I still have big decisions to make!

2011 is all about new beginnings!

2011-02-26T20:42:00.004Z

So 2011 started well. I decided to go for it by starting up my own craft business Forest Elf which is going really well so far. I have had a great response and the word is spreading! I am even due to have a feature in a local magazine soon which is very exciting. I got a part time job working in a magazine subscription company, 9-1 which is perfect as it means I come home and have the whole afternoon to sew! Although my sewing machine has broken which is slightly annoying especially as I have THE worst Singer model ever apparently!

This week I moved into my new place, Forge Cottage. I love it! Probably my favourite abode so far and I have lived in a lot of places. Mini seems to have settled in straight away. She, like me is a bit of a gypsy cat! I love the fact I only have a wood burner for heating. It might be because I am a fire sign, Leo but I love fires! I find the smell of burning wood so comforting.

I have a feeling I won't be leaving this place for a while, which is a relief as I am sick of moving every 6-12 months!

After packing all my stuff which was mainly vintage clothing I decided to sell some as have way too much! I have been collecting for 10 years now. I have always wanted a vintage shop. Seeing as I started my Forest Elf craft as a business I thought I might as well have a Vintage Forest Elf! Having an online shop is just perfect, no worries of renting a shop and all the overheads that go with it. Obviously I would still love to have my own boutique because there is nothing like it but the internet is a good place to start. Check my page out on facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/Forestelfvintage

So now I am more settled and am back in the Shire I have had to transfer doctors, oncologist and surgeon! I have decided that I want another mastectomy. I am in no rush though as would like a break from surgery and hospitals! By the time I get to see a surgeon and go on the waiting list it could be months anyway! I will be so happy when it is completely over once and for all. I will just have 3 years left of tamoxifen and that will be the end of it!

So I have a feeling I'm in for a great summer and rest of the year with my business. It would be nice to be completely self employed one day.

I knew 2011 had to be my year seeing as 11 is my life path number amongst other things. I hope 2011 is a great year for you too. It just goes to show, as much shit that you go through there is always good things round the corner. You just have to stay positive and make your dreams happen!

2011.... so far so great!

2011-01-19T20:20:00.011Z

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and new year! I had a great one spending it with my family in Leicester, Joe's parents in Hastings and some great friends in Hastings for New years.

2011 has started off quite well for me. My favourite number being 11 too. For a couple of reasons, one it being my life path number and two I have this connection with the number 11 and guardian angels.

This Christmas again I made all my presents. This year I made more of an effort as I had more time. The presents went down so well my mum and sisters said I was mad not to be selling my stuff. As it has been so hard to find work at the moment and always wanting to work for myself anyway I decided I should go for it. I have always wanted to do this, whether it be clothes, costume, photography but I never did because I never had any confidence in my own work. My family gave me that confidence and motivation I needed. They have been so supportive in many ways that I could not have started it without them.

I named my new little venture Forest Elf which has been a name Ive had with me for a while. I was nicked named pixie and faery as a child and I have always had a huge love of trees! I have started to create a website but started off on Facebook to get the word around. It had a great response and I am already getting orders in nearly everyday. Its very exciting and I am loving doing something I enjoy.

Please have a look if you have not already http://www.facebook.com/forestelf22
Hoping to get the website up and running soon. I really want this to turn into something bigger then a side line thing so am going to work really hard to make it happen.

It feels great to finally be doing something. In the end I couldn't do my costume design course as I could not afford the fees. I love costume and still would love to make clothes and costume. Its something I will think of doing when I expand.

As for my boobs.... well I noticed something not right with my implant in my real boob. I went to see my surgeon and he said that it had dropped and would need more surgery to rectify this. As you can imagine the thought of more surgery is the last thing I want. He again gave me choices of how to rectify it. A breast uplift or another mastectomy. Another mastectomy does sound drastic but I am so fed up with it all I feel like just being done with it and having it off. Not only will it give me peace of mind but I will have a matching pair rather then a very odd pair. I'm seeing my surgeon in Feb to tell him which Ive gone for then I will go on the waiting list. Although I don't feel in a hurry to have more surgery. The nipple reconstruction will get done at the same time though so that's good.

I'm hoping that will be the only rubbish thing I have to go through this year. I really want to put it all behind me now.

Lincoln didn't turn out so well for me. I was excited about the move for Joe and I and had got a job which I knew I would enjoy. Things seemed to start off well. However I was unfairly dismissed for being dyslexic with maths. It was a real kick in the teeth and got me down. I think its helped so determined to do my own thing and I do believe everything happens for a reason, good and bad. I also found it very tough going from exciting Brighton to not so exciting Lincoln. I felt very cut off and missed all my friends and family.

The snow in Lincoln was amazing though! I can not remember the last time I saw snow like that in the UK.

I will be moving into a little cottage south of Leicestershire. It comes with a forge and is on a country estate. A lot of the outbuildings have been turned into houses, art studios and businesses such as an Organic food shop. Theres a great little community there of like minded people. I get my own allotment too! It will be as close to The Good Life as I can get at the moment.

Its a perfect place for Joe and I to both end up. We saw it last year but it had already been leased out so we were waiting for it to come up again. We had no idea it would come up this soon but feel its perfect timing for me. Joe has a good job in Lincoln so there are no plans of him moving just yet.

So this year seems like its going to be a good one! Things are finally coming together and about bloody time!!

Breast cancer awarness month

2010-10-18T13:08:00.014+01:00

If you haven't noticed already its breast cancer awareness month, pink ribbons and products are everywhere but its more then just pink stuff! Its about being aware of breast cancer and remembering to check your boobs! So if you haven't already then do it now!! Do it after you have read this so you do not forget! Even you guys can check your pecks too. Around 300 men are diagnosed with BC every year so get checking.

I was involved in the Samsung breast cancer campaign again this year which was called 'Everybody is art' An artist recreated the face of Botticelli's Venus - featuring the faces of 1,096 men and women throughout Europe who are affected by breast cancer, or campaigning for breast cancer awareness. See if you can spot me!

The pink ribbon event was another glamorous night at the Royal Exchange in London with some celebs also there to support the campaign. A massive $1.5 million dollars was raised! It was also lovely to see Amanda again, one of the ambassadors who does a huge amount of work and raising money for Breast cancer causes!

My face was also up in Picadilly circus again.

So the summer has come to an end and my favourite season is here bringing lots of change! We are moving out of our summer shack on the coast into a little stone cottage in the lincolnshire countryside. Joe has got a fantastic blacksmiths job at a forge that he starts next week. It will be a huge change and a massive contrast from Brighton but we are both very excited. We visited Lincoln last weekend and loved the cathedral city and historic Tudor town. It will be a great fresh new start for Joe and I. We love the south hugely but have only struggled living here financially and a move up north will mean less of a struggle and a quieter life. We will finally be able to save for a camper van so we can go away at weekends.

Kinema in the woods not far from where we will be living. It plays old classic films as well as new.
Bathing beauties festival on the coast, a beach hut competition

I have heard a few negative things said about Lincolnshire and it annoys me when I tell people we are moving there and they say things like 'Oh god why do want to move there? Its a dump!' Luckily Ive heard some positive things about it too and it sounds like a place Joe and I will really enjoying living in. I like the idea of it being quieter and cheaper for a start. Joe and I could probably afford to buy a 3 bed house with a big garden in the country in 6 months. We would never be able to do that down south. I heard that Lincolnshire doesn't really follow the rest of the country, well that sounds bloody fantastic to me! Joe and I hate to conform too much and when we do we are very unhappy. I would never have chosen to live there but I think it will be a very positive move for us both. It won't be too long till I start squeezing out babies and I can't think of a better place to start bringing them up. We had dreams of moving to New Zealand for the lifestyle which can not happen yet anyway but I knew I always wanted to bring up my children in a similar way to how I was brought up in the 80's. A more innocent life then kids probably have now in the 21st century.

We wont be too far away from the coast!

And anyway it doesn't mean its forever. I'm a bit of a gypsy anyway and love change so am quite happy moving around. My family are obviously very happy that I will be moving closer and it will be great that a can just nip over now!

I enjoyed the summer down on the coast and made the most of living on the beach with lots of barbees and drinking cider and made some lovely new friends, including Kim who took me under her wing and has looked after me. I will miss her lots!

I may have enjoyed myself a bit too much though and it caught up with me this month. My candida returned with a vengeance, so my UTI's are back and im having to try and go back onto that very strict diet again which I'm finding very hard! I had some blood tests that revealed I was very anaemic and deficient in Vit B12 so I have been having B12 injections and have to continue these for a while.

I am going to try and look after myself a little better over the winter. I can not wait to live back out in the country again especially as Autumn has begun. I love to be able to watch the leaves on the tress change into the most beautiful autumn colours. So There will be plenty of country walks and feeling very cosy in our new little cottage. The cottage is in a lovely little village called Scothern 6 miles outside of Lincoln. So we are not completly cut off from some civilisation!

As for what I'm going to do, well I had deferred my costume design course as could not afford it and am beginning to think I will never end up doing it now because of the costs. I feel a little sad about this but I am so fed up of being skint and in debt. I feel I learnt a great deal on the one year I did in Leicester and could carry on teaching myself. I would love to work for myself anyway. I have an interview for a job in a Fabric shop in the Bailgate of Lincoln. If I got the job it would be perfect for me and in my spare time I would make things and try and sell them in the markets, and lincolnshire is full of market towns!

Lincoln Christmas market and the Bailgate

So with the move coming up and new beginnings I again have a lot to look forward too. I have a feeling living in Lincolnshire will be like our little piece of New Zealand, quiet, rural, and a little behind which I like!

Apart from all that I have recovered well from my recon and am fairly happy with the results considering its never going to look perfect. I do feel everything has hit me suddenly and I hear thats quite common. A lot of women who go through BC their lifes are turned upside down and don't have time to really let it all sink in so when it all settles down and you have less hospital visits and contact with your oncologist it hits you! I feel that your left to deal with it and get on with life with no help and it annoys me when your doctor or oncologist says 'Well your bound to be depressed so why don't you consider going on anti depressents.' I am not sure what the answer is to be honest, maybe talking about it helps but i'm not sure any women can be 100% get over the fact they lost a breast to such an awful disease. Being at peace with it is quite important though and staying positive!

Well I had my first mammogram since I was diagnosed a month ago and it came back clear! Great news. So for now keep checking those boobs!

My new puppies!

2010-06-17T12:42:00.005+01:00

Well what a week I have had! I have had my breast reconstruction and am now back home recovering.I was very anxious and excited at the same time about having it done. It was great to think finally I will get my boobs back but I had no idea how they were going to turn out and I had to trust in my surgeon that they would look great! My body was changing again and it was quite a scary feeling.

The recon went very well and I am very pleased with the results. It took me a while to look down at my chest, I was worried I was not going to like what I saw. At first glance in hospital I freaked out because not only was the right breast about twice the size of the left one but they were also pointing side ways rather then straight on. I hated being back in hospital, it brought back all the horrible memories of when I was last in to have my mastectomy. Even though I was in for a positive reason it was still hard. Being in pain, coming round from the anesthetics and being on morphine is a massive cocktail to make anyone feel a little unhappy.

Joe had been with me when I woke up the night before but I was out of it. It was just good him being there. I didn't get any sleep that night. Your checked on every hour and my face was itching like crazy from the morphine but I had to keep pressing that button or I would feel the pain!

The next day my mum arrived. I was so relieved to see her. I was feeling a bit down anyway but we managed to have a laugh, probably because I was so high off the morphine. My good friend Vanessa also came to see me. She is a nurse and is a wonderful person to see when things don't feels so great. I was looking forward to having tea and cake with her when the nurse was a little worried about how much my right breast was draining. She thought that breast was very swollen too and wasn't sure if things were OK so she called a doctor to come have a look. Its hard to remember in what order things happened but I had several doctors, nurses and surgeons having a look at me all with different opinions. Some said I was fine and I was just swollen and some were saying I might have to go back into surgery as it looked like I had a blood clot. This scared me quite a bit and I also really didn't want to go back into surgery but I just wanted to be safe then sorry. It was just so confusing with the conflicting opinions and didn't know whether I was coming or going! One minute I was allowed to eat and drink just in case I was going back into theatre then next minute I was fine to eat!

My nurse was not convinced with the people saying I was OK. Too be honest I didn't feel like things were right either. I was in a lot of pain and discomfort and my right breast was massive! I had been waiting for a surgeon to come round for a while but I had a doctor come round towards the end of the day and he said I was fine and I could start eating again. I felt relieved and ate a banana! Fifteen minutes later the surgeon turned up with 2 others,they all had a look at me and said there was most likely a blood clot and I had to go into surgery as soon as I could. I was so annoyed that the doctor said I was fine and I had eaten a banana as it meant I had to wait until midnight to have the surgery.

I was so anxious about just getting it sorted and waiting around was horrible. Joe said with me until he got kicked out at 10 and I just waited. Pumping myself up with more morphine so I could feel less pain but having to suffer with and itchy face and weird and sometimes horrible images when I shut my eyes. Its like dreaming but being awake and very aware of it. Its the strangest feeling and not that pleasurable!

Midnight arrived and I was still waiting, half an hour passed and they finally took me down to theatre. It felt so strange going in so late. The next think I know I am coming round from the surgery. This time it was horrible! I still had what felt my mouth strapped open and the tube was still down my throat. I could hardly breathe. They pulled the tube out and put some oxygen over my nose I told me to take deep breathes. I felt like I could hardly breathe and wasn't coming round from the anesthetic very quickly. It was as if I had woken up too early as I hadn't had this experience before. I was trying to take deep breathes but could feel my breathing slowing down. I kept thinking, what if I just stop breathing!! It was scary. It took me ages to come round and I felt like absolute shit!

The next day the surgeon came round and told me that I'd had a hematoma and they drained half a pint from my breast. Everyone had been surprised that it had been from my normal breast and not the reconstructed side. I was just glad it was over and I was OK. My boobs looked a bit more normal now which was a relief! I knew I had definitely not asked for the Pamela Anderson look!

They took my catheter out and I had to start getting up and moving around. I had a lot of help which was great as the surgeon said to really take it easy. I got moved quite quickly from step down into my own room. I wasn't sure how I felt about this as it can be quite lonely being on your own. It turned out to be the worst thing for me. I felt like I was getting enough attention and the nurse I had that day as nice as she was seemed a little useless and I just was not getting the help I needed. I was in so much pain and hated using the morphine because of how it was making me feel. I know I needed to take it more but I just needed more help doing things too. That evening I had the most excruciating pain in my right breast. I knew it was a result of not getting enough help and not taking enough morphine.I ended up feeling like I was losing it and finding it hard to stay calm. I was fed up of being in pain and asking for help and not getting it. Having 3 drains and being hooked up to the PCA there were tubes coming out everywhere and it was driving me mad! I have learnt how badly I do cope in hospitals.

The next day I was moved into a ward and things were better again. The morphine was taking away so that was one less thing to be connected too. The drains however were still a pain and hurt the most. Everything was an effort, I was sick and tired of being uncomfortable and only being able to stay in one position in bed. The nights and mornings were the worst. The pain killers were so strong I was actually waking up with a banging headache and felt like complete shit! There was nothing they could do though but offer me more pain killers. The last night I was in hospital I stretched out my legs and felt this tear in my back. It was utterly painful and I shouted out F*CK!!! I normally suffer in silence but that really did deserve a loud F*CK! It felt like I had ripped open my wound on my back but I most have pulled a muscle. I was so annoyed as it was just an added extra bit of pain I did not need.

I was so surprised to hear on the Sunday that I could have all my drains out and go home! I had gone from being fed up to so happy! I knew I would be so much better when I got home. My drains came out, not the most pleasant of feelings and I was able to have a wash! Having a shower felt so good but boy was it hard. I felt like Id ran a marathon after wards and I had to go back and lie down for a while and muster up some energy to get dressed and get my stuff together.

Mum and dad came over and we waited for Joe to come and pick me. I happily said goodbye and thank you to everyone and left. Mum and dad went back to Leicester and Joe took me back to out place. It was a lovely sunny day. It felt so good being back. I felt like I had been away for ever!

I was exhausted and laid on my bed and fell asleep. The next day we picked Mini up my new cat! I have re homed her from my friend who could know longer keep her. It was very upsetting taking her away from someone who loves her dearly but Holly knew Mini would be better of with me and Joe. Mini is my ideal cat, very loving and cuddly. I had always wanted a cat so was very pleased how it turned out. She is now keeping me company while I'm recovering.

I am still in pain and discomfort and the painkillers make me feel sick and drowsy which puts me off taking as many like I did yesterday but then ended up in more pain! I'm hopeless when it comes to drugs. My body and head do not take them very well. Finding a bra was also a nightmare. My mum must have gone into M&S everyday to try and find me the right bra but it was impossible! In the end I had to go myself and find one. The maternity bras seemed the be the best although I wouldn't say I'm 100% comfortable but I guess that's inevitable! I'm finding it hard to wear the bra for 23 hours a day. Its bad enough wearing a bra that long in a normal situation but when you ve just had surgery the last thing you want to wear is a bra!

Joe has taken some time off work to look after me. I tried being on my own on Tuesday but just couldn't do it so he came home from work early. I get quite lonely too and today has been the first day being on my own. I woke up feeling down from the pain and boredom of not being able to do anything which I find so hard! Especially when your home needs a good tidy and clean! Joe is being great and doing as much as he can but he is no domestic goddess, cooking and just being there for me is good enough!

At least the sun is shining, although I think I have had too much sun. I do look like I have been to Spain for a month! I wish!

Besides the pain and boredom I am very happy with the results and feel like I have my boobs back! I just can not wait for the pain to go and not to feel like I have 2 lead weights hanging off my chest. I am dying to get in a bikini although I have been told I have to wear a bra 23 hours a day for 3 months!! Hmmm not sure that's going happen. I am fascinated to see what my scar on my back looks like too. I don't think I will be too bothered about it. I wont see it and in any case the scar tells a story and it is a well worth one at that!

Country bumpkin to trailer trash!!

2010-05-18T22:49:00.009+01:00

Well some of you know that my surgery date changed to June 8th. Slight mix up at the hospital about what operation I was having. A little annoying but hey its not far away now! I saw my surgeon about the decision I had made and he was very pleased and thought it was the right one (the one I had originally decided on!).

This Saturday I will be moving into my new pad down near Brighton. I am very excited to be going back down and living with Joe again. It will be a new fresh start with hopefully the worst behind us and lots of good things to come. Where we are moving too is quite interesting and unconventional just the way we like it. In fact, it suits us both right down to the ground. It is a park home, beach house, static home, glorified caravan!, whatever you wana call it. I am going to be trailer trash and I can not wait! It is right by the beach and that is something I have dreamed of. I am going to transform this little home into a 60s/70s bohemian hippy haven! The park is called Golden sands! Sounds posh eh!

I wish it was this, how cool is this arrangement!

It will be very sad to leave home up in Leicester where most of my family are. Its been great to spend some quality time with them and having them all fussing around me when I have been ill. I do not know what I would have done without them.

I had a great last weekend where we took my mum and dads narrow boat out and chugged along drinking cider in the sun. Perfect!

I will miss Foxton and its beautiful countryside, canal walks, the locks and cider and pasties, and fish and chips on a Friday! But most of all I will miss the Holts, the Sneffs and the Bates! And not to mention Cash the greyhound and Mabel the mental! Thank you all for everything you have done. I love usssse all and I will be back for plenty of visits.

So goodbye country bumpkin and hello trailer trash!!

Good things are on the horizon!

2010-04-16T21:37:00.004+01:00

Winter is just about over and spring is on its way! Its been a long winter! I am so much happier that we have longer and warmer days. It was heaven to be able to lay out on the grass and feel the sun on my face last weekend.

I have spent a lot of this year trying to decide two important things.... What breast reconstruction to have and whether to stay on tamoxifen or not. I am absolutely terrible at making decisions so this has been so hard for me. Its stressed me out no end and really didn't know how I was to come to a decision. I realised I'd had too much time to think about it, asking for peoples help, hearing their stories. It was so nice that so many people wanted to help but in the end it just confused me even more and I got to the point where I couldn't decide between what I really wanted and what other people thought. So many women are understandably scared of BC returning and have another mastectomy. In the cases of women having the gene then its not a question of whether or not but in my case it was whether I was scared or not. At first I wasn't, I had always been very positive from the start that I would not get BC again but the more people I spoke to the more I felt like I should be worried. I was wondering if I was being unrealistic about it and thought well if all these women are so worried and are going to drastic measures by having another mastectomy then maybe I should too.

I hated that i was starting to feel more scared about it coming back and annoyed that my positivity was dwindling. My mum had noticed a big difference in my attitude too and was so upset that I had gone from being so positive to being scared. I had let too many women's stories worry me.

It wasn't until I saw my oncologist 2 months after I had come off tamoxifen that I came to a decision. I bombarded him with questions. Firstly I wanted to know the statistics about BC coming back. He was very reluctant to show me but I insisted. I now know why he was so reluctant. He showed me them on his computer by putting in all the information of my particular breast cancer. At first it was not looking good, the red line which represented women dying from cancer just got bigger and bigger until it nearly filled the whole line. I welled up and my poor mum who had come with me broke down in tears. I was thinking oh god why did I ask him to do this! Then as he started to add what treatment I had including hormone treatment it started to get smaller again until it was half way. This was better but still not great, but it was a massive reality check. This helped me decide that it really was best to stay on the tamoxifen and to just ride out all the side effects that came with it. The thought of going down the alternative route has always appealed to me more but I just don't know enough to do it and as herbal treatments are not clinically tried then how am I to know whether its helping me or not. It was too risky in these early stages. The first 2 years I am at highest risk of BC coming back. I couldn't possibly take this risk anymore.

As for having another mastectomy or not, well that was not related to whether my BC would return. I am obviously more at risk of getting BC again in the other breast but it has nothing to do with the same one returning. I have always thought why take something away when there is nothing wrong with it. I could get ovarian cancer, cervical cancer but it doesn't mean I'm going to start hacking away at half my body just in case I got cancer again. There is no point spending your life in fear of this dreaded disease. Yes it could return but at the same time it might not. Whats the point of worrying and being scared. Its a waste of time and energy. My time and energy is best spent on getting on with my life and enjoying every moment of it!

So it was decided back on the tamoxifen and no mastectomy! Two days later I got the exciting news of my surgery date, May 4th. Just in time for the summer! i never used to wear low cut tops, but maybe I might just start! I am going to be so proud of my new set of boobs knowing what I have gone through. I certainly wont be ashamed of them and hide them away.

I am so happy that it is finally here. It feels like a long and tough road I have been riding and this is the one thing that will boost my confidence again and almost feel like an end to the last 18 months. So my reconstruction will involve having implants and tissue taken from my back to make my breast look more natural. I am obviously not going to go crazy and go Jordan styleee. I just want my normal size back. They will be the same size as usual, just perter and firmer!

So apart from that great sense of relief and great news I had some more good news a few weeks ago. I decided to go for a costume design course down south and got on. I had come across this course by accident and at the time I was thinking about wanting to move back down south and I had realised that I wanted to specialise in costume rather then fashion, so it really had come at the right time. It was meant to be!

So after my surgery in May once I have recovered I will moving back down south and moving back in with Joe which I am very excited about. Good things are on the horizon and I can not wait!

Did I mention my mums new cute puppy Mental Mable!!!

Reconstruction confusion!

2010-02-01T12:44:00.004Z

While I am lying in bed with a head cold from over doing it last week, I thought I would write a short post that BC sufferers can reply to and will hopefully help me make up my mind 100%.

I saw my surgeon last week in East Grinstead to discuss my breast reconstruction. I went thinking I only had on option which was to have implants. When we spoke my surgeon gave me three choices. This totally threw me and I could not make up my mind. I should be a Libra as I am so indecisive. I went away thinking of all the options and decided on one, then five minutes later I would change my mind! Friends and family that know me well know this is what I am like..... a nightmare!! Its great to have choices in life but it doesn't half make my life less simple.

So here are my choices

Back (latissimus dorsi) flap (LD flap) and mastopexy - The skin, fat and muscle are removed from the back but the blood vessels of the flap remain attached to the body at the end nearest the armpit. The flap is then turned and carefully threaded through a cut made below the armpit and is brought round to the front of the body to lie over the chest wall and form the new breast. I then will have an uplift on the other breast to make me look more symmetrical. This is quite a big op and takes about 7 weeks to recover and will leave me with a big scar across my back/

LD and implants - The same applies with taking some skin and muscle from the back and using for the breast reconstruction with implants too. This will make it harder to detect breast cancer in the future though.

My last option is to have another mastectomy on my right breast and have implants in both. No skin or muscle will need to be removed from the back which is one less scar and will be less recovery time. It will mean having no feeling in my breasts but does mean I will not have to worry about getting breast cancer again.

I only had the first two options at first and then my surgeon throw the l last option in at the end just to confuse me even more. I must say that the last one seems to be appealing as I will never have to worry about getting BC again and hopefully that will mean no mammograms and tamoxifen but it does mean i will not be able to breast feed when I have children and I will lose all feeling in my right breast as well.

I guess I have to weigh up the pros and cons of each and then decide from there.

If you have been through any of these reconstructions then I would love to hear from you!! The sooner I decide the sooner I can get it done! I obviously do not want to rush into a decision either as it is a big one to make.

Happy new year.. heres to a better one!

2010-01-04T22:33:00.013Z

I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas and new year! I have to say mine was miles better then last year! I still can not believe 2009 has gone by that quickly. Thank goodness it did!

I thought I would just update you with the last few months. I would also like some advice from previous BC sufferers about my current situation too!

As some of you know I deleted my facebook a month ago. Not only is it a distraction but I also wanted to feel more of a sense of privacy. I am a very open person and felt too open to the world on facebook. My blog however I feel is different even though I am being open with my emotions. My breast cancer journey is not quite over yet and think its important for me to carry on with them. Not only for me but for my friends and family, so they can understand what I am still going through and also for anyone going through what I am.

I have now been on Tamoxifen for the last 7 months now. At first I didn't seem to have any problems. My periods had stopped with the chemo so I had already experienced the physical side of an early menopause. Thankfully my periods have come back. Like most drugs the side effects started to rear their ugly heads. For at least 2 weeks a month (normally a week before and during my period) I do not feel myself at all. I am over sensitive, irrational, irritable, depressed, insecure and some times pretty mental!

To some women this may sound like PMT. I experience PMT, but that is nothing to what I feel at the moment. I cry at the smallest things and I mean the smallest things! I wake up feeling incredibly depressed for absolutely no reason at all. Which I can not bare especially at the moment when I really do not have any thing to be down about.

When I feel like this I just want to hide away from the world. I do not like people seeing me like it and to those who I am closet too it is too easy to take it out on them and I have done and feel terrible for doing so. I think my poor boyfriend and mum get the brunt of most if. Its silly how the ones you love the most are the ones you can easily be vile too. I'm pretty sure I was miserable and not very nice before my sister went away travelling. At the time I really didn't know why and thought it was just me.

A pattern emerged and I realised it was not just me. I think perhaps a combination of my periods coming back and being due on with a drug that is trying to suppress my hormones, they almost don't know whether they are coming or going so just end up going berserk instead!

I have gone back to feeling like a recluse again. I have no desire to socialise at the moment and can not even be bother to talk to people sometimes. Not good when I have just started college. There are days when I go into college and wish I did not have to talk to anyone.

Some times I feel very insecure, even more so then when I was really skinny and had lost some of hair and all of my eye lashes and eye brows. All my hair has grown back, I'm a normal weight again and so do not have much of a reason to feel insecure.

I had a look on the breast cancer care website to see if other people were feeling the same way on hormone treatment. I wanted to be certain it wasn't just me. I felt reassured to see that lots of women were feeling the same and that this is a common side effect.

Its awful not feeling yourself when you know it is down to drugs you are taking that you have to take for the next five years! I am going to talk to someone about it but not sure who as I do not have a great relationship with my Oncologist as I never had a great relationship with him because I switched places half way through and do not have a breast care nurse. If anyone reading this has been through what I am I would love any advice. I do not want to feel like this for the next 5 years.

On a more exciting note I am due to see my surgeon this month about my reconstruction. I am very very eager to get it done and think it will be a huge boost to my confidence.

College is going amazingly well! I am so happy being creative again and learning new things. The last term however has been super stressful and intense. I eat, breathe, sleep, college and do not have much of a life outside of it. Maybe not such a bad thing though, at least its keeping me out of trouble.

I have had three full on projects on the go. A project/competition to design an outfit for George at Asda, a dance wear project for a play, Anything Goes and a millinery project/competition for the Royal Shakespeare Company (my absolute fav!) As well as that we have had other various things such as a report, presentation and essay to do. I was very happy to find out that I got a 2.1 for my presentation, especially as writing and speaking are not what I am best at. Oh and how could I forget life drawing..... although the last thing you want to do on a Monday morning is draw a naked man!

So college is very enjoyable despite being very hard work. I feel like I have finally gone down the right route and this will definitely take me somewhere. I am excited to find out where! I would rather get into costume then fashion. Doing a fashion and a costume project last term confirmed this.

Apart from that I have enjoyed the autumn and winter months, going on as many walks as I can. Mainly down to the locks where there is a slight incentive when you get there.... good ole Rosie! Dad and I try and go most Sundays. Joe and I went on the most exciting walk yet last Sunday. Walking off the beaten track and discovering things we never knew where there. I had woken up feeling very depressed that morning and the walk was just what I needed, it instantly lifted me.

I do love September up until the new year. Autumn (cider season!) is so beautiful and so much goes on until the end of the year. The winter solstice and the huge build up to Christmas when we make our homes all cosy and festive with fairy lights and decorations. What I love more though is Halloween and Bonfire night. I am such a big kid!

Christmas I spent in Leicester and Hastings. I spent most of it making all my Christmas presents and making mine and Joe's fancy dress outfit for a new year's party. I went as Cleopatra and Joe a Viking! I think we suited these characters rather well! It certainly was hard for us to both get into character too.

So apart from having problems with tamoxifen everything else is great. I love being back in Foxton and being close to my family. College is going well and keeping me busy. Joe is hopefully moving up this year which I am excited about. It has been difficult seeing each other regularly when I have so much college work to do. I hate being apart for too long.

I am loving the cold crisp and frosty days and the occasional snow shower. I woke up on new years day to a blizzard. i thought this was a great way to wake up to a new year!

Breast cancer awareness month

2009-10-07T21:07:00.022+01:00

It's October which means its breast cancer awareness month. It's great to see there is so much about it everywhere. Some of you will know I have been involved in the Samsung- Everybody's doing it campaign. Check the website out http://www.morethantalk.eu/uk/

Samsung's mission is to spread a positive breast awareness message to all women. The 15th October is "Everybody's doing it awareness day".

Copy the links below for the viral film and stories of lots of women who have been affected by breast cancer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM3RH447Yag
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFimMHGOJGo

You might have seen the campaign while you have been about in London. Its featured on billboards and the viral is currently being viewed every minute in Piccadilly circus.

I have been doing newspaper and radio interviews, locally and nationally. It is great to be helping and getting the message out there to women, especially younger women.

http://www.thisisleicestershire.co.uk/news/Emily-helps-online-cancer-awareness-project/article-1360564-detail/article.html

It would be great if you could pass on the samsung videos, website and even my blog to all of your friends. Do your bit for breast cancer awareness and lets spread the word and hope more women check their breasts regularly.

I have not written a post for a while. I have had a very busy few months. I have had my 30th birthday, my trip to California and I started college last week.

My last month in Brighton was great. I really made the most of it. Joe and I had started hanging out again and we were getting on so well. I felt like I had finally got through so much and dealt with issues and let go of certain things that I was ready to move on with him. We made the most of my last few weeks together and had lots of fun! It was very sad leaving. Things always seem to get better and work out just before I leave a place. Its typical but I guess its because I am never in a place long enough.

The girls at Get Cutie made a real effort to give me a good birthday/send off. They have to be the loveliest bunch of people I have ever worked with and I miss them a lot.

My 30th was fantastic! I never thought I would be so happy to turn 30. It was so significant for me turning 30 after the year I'd had. It feels like a new chapter in my life with lots of good things to come! I certainly celebrated in style with my friends and family. I had found a fantastic London based band called Los who kindly agreed to play at my party and they rocked! A friend of mine, Rich put on a cracking set of 60's and 70's tunes. You could not get me off the dance floor! It was everything I wanted and I was buzzing all night.

Then there was my trip to California. It was a trip I felt I needed and deserved. It was a fantastic experience that I shall never forget. It was my first time to the US and very surreal at first. I felt like I was in a movie most of the time. I stayed with my good and very old school friend Hannah in Santa Monica before I hit the road and travelled round California. It was great to have her there when I arrived and show me round LA. I must admit I am rather envious of her lifestyle.

In the 3 weeks I managed to go to Joshua Tree, Las Vegas, Zion national park, San Francisco, Yosemite, Big Sur and LA. I have to say San Fran was my favorite. I could have easily stayed there for weeks. There was so much to see and do. My first day there I headed straight to Haight Ashbury, it still seemed to have a cool vibe. Everywhere you looked in San Fran pretty much something unusual was going on. It felt like a place where you could really be yourself and anything goes. I will definitely be going back!

I had lots of fun but I wouldn't say it was easy all the time. It was the first time I had been away on my own in a while and a big thing to do after what I have just been through. I wanted to do the trip on my own partly to feel independent again and get some of my self esteem and confidence back. I don't find it terribly easy to just go up to strangers and start talking to them and I knew if I threw myself into this situation I would have too and I did.

I struggled on the fitness and stamina side of things. I was very frustrated with not being able to do the big hikes which took you to the most stunning views and places. Despite that I did everything at my own pace and saw plenty of beautiful scenery.
Yosemite was breathtaking. Ansel Adams was one of the photographers that really inspired me when I was younger and probably got me into wildlife photography, so it was amazing to go to the place where he took a lot of his stunning shots.

I love how diverse the landscape is and going from one extreme to another. From the bright lights and craziness of Las Vegas to the peaceful and scenic Yosemite. I must admit apart from San Fran I was my happiest when I was in nature surrounded wildlife. For me Las Vegas was hell on earth and I could not wait to leave. I only got excited when I found my dads favorite country singers bar in a casino.

The west coast drive was stunning. I was a little gutted I only got to see most of it from the bus window. We stopped off in Santa Cruz for an hour. I was excited to visit this little seaside town because it is where one of my favorite 80's cult films was made, The lost boys! We arrived in the morning and the fog was still heavily set in and the sun was dimly shining through. It was perfect! It felt a little eerie especially as the fairground on the boardwalk was shut so there was nobody about. As I walked down the boardwalk there was even 80's music playing. Now all I was expecting was for Kiefer Sutherland to come flying out the think fog and feast on my neck.

I met so many lovely people on my trip and so was very sad when we had to go our separate ways. Thats the hardest bit about traveling, but its so great to meet so many people from all over the world and stay in contact and hopefully see them again one day.

The last but one night Hannah took me and 2 other friends to a party up in the Hollywood hills. I don't think she has ever seen me so excited. It was incredible, I really did feel like I was in a movie. It was a club night in somebody's amazing apartment with views overlooking Hollywood. Free whisky and food was a nice surprise and there was a even a mermaid in the swimming pool. I really felt like I had experienced the glamourous Hollywood lifestyle in contrast to camping out in the desert and meeting a tarantula!

California really did live up to my expectations. I feel like I have got a taste for it now and would love to go back for longer.

Half of me was ready to come back home after missing Joe incredibly and just feeling exhausted from it all. the other half just wanted to stay and explore more, see more of San Fran and just stay where the sun was shining and the people were so lovely. Even though I do love our dry sense of humour and cynical ways I was starting to get into just how positive, happy and friendly the Californians were. Its always tough coming back to the UK after being abroad. Reality hits you in a big way when you get back. The more I travel the more I realise I do not want to live in this county for the rest of my life.

Thank goodness I had my new course to come back too. I am now in my second week of a foundation degree in fashion and costume design and I am loving it! I finally feel like I am doing something that really suits me and I am very passionate about. I am looking forward the most to the end of the two years when I am more experienced at making clothes and see my final designs that I have created go down a catwalk. It will be like a dream come true. Its too early to say exactly what bit of the industry I will be working in but to work in film and theatre would be amazing.

I have been lucky in that from when I finished all my treatment I had so much to look forward too and keep me busy. I have made most of that happen though which I think despite perhaps not taking it so easy so soon after my treatment, it was so important for me to get my life back and to live it to the full.

I can not believe how quickly time passes. Its too easy to let it pass on by without living life to its fullest. There is so much to do and see and I'll be damned if I spend the rest of it not really doing what I want to do or living where I want to live. If you have a dream then go and follow it! I would rather regret what I have done and not what I haven't done. I might have tried a lot of things that have not worked out but at least I know instead of wondering, what if.

Cancer is a terrible disease but if you are to survive it then you should definitely feel like you have got a second chance and realise life is too short, so go out and live it!!

Life begins now!

2009-07-13T14:53:00.006+01:00

It has been a long time since I last wrote a post for my blog and I feel like so much has happened. Where to begin?! Well after I finished my treatment I had lots going on which was such a great thing. If I hadn’t much happening then I think I would have easily got down like I did after my chemo finished. I was going to London every week for the Prima shoot and the Samsung shoot. They both went so well and I enjoyed them very much. Having you hair and make up done and photos taken was a real confidence boost that I needed. I have appeared in the August edition on Prima magazine where you can still vote for me or you can text PRIMA EMILY to 83088 or call 09016555123. If I win I get to stay in a luxury spa hotel for 3 nights.

I had college interviews at Leicester, Hastings and Worthing College for BTEC and the Foundation degree in Fashion design. I worked really hard by doing a sketchbook full of drawings and ideas. I really enjoyed it, as it had been a long time since I had sat down and drawn. I had a tough time deciding which college to go too, torn with my love of the south and the good reputation Leicester has. In the end my decision was made for me when I found out I got on the foundation degree in fashion and costume design at Leicester. This was ultimately the best course out of all of them and I was over the moon when I found out.

A couple of months previous I came down to Brighton to look for work. I had decided I wanted to spend the summer down there for a number of reasons, one being getting my independence and individuality back again. I walked round all the lanes looking for work. Ideally I wanted a job in a boutique down the North lanes, somewhere with a fun and chilled atmosphere. There were hardly any jobs going and I handed in my CV into shops I knew I would not want to work but I thought I could not be picky. There was just one shop down the North lanes called Get Cutie that did have work going so I crossed my fingers and hoped I would get that job.

I had not heard from anyone for a while, which was actually a good thing as I would not have been able to start work until June anyway. I received a call from the owner of Get Cutie and arranged an interview for the week after. I had my interview which went very well and I found out I got the job a week later. I was so happy; it seemed like the perfect place to start working in again after having such a long break from work. I started a week later and love it.

The move to Brighton seemed to happen so quickly and I did not even have a chance to say goodbye to all my friends. It was very emotional leaving. I had never felt this sad leaving my family before. Joe had come to pick me up which made it a little easier for me. My lovely friend Katie very kindly let me stay with her. I have now been in Brighton for two months now, which has already gone so quickly. I have loved working at Get Cutie. It’s been a very cool place to work and everyone has been so lovely. I will be very sad to leave.

When I first moved down I was back up to Leicester three times in the first month. I had not stopped for four weeks and felt absolutely exhausted. I was a little worried and knew I needed to slow down. After all I was doing so much so soon after my treatment had finished.

Both my granddads were ill in hospital and both got increasingly worse and worse. It was quite unexpected for one of them as he had always been so well for his age. Pop was a fighter and lived on for longer then expected. On Fathers day I got a call from my mum telling me Grandpa had died and then later on that day my dad called to say Pop had also passed away. Inevitable I was very sad but I also could not believe they both died on the same day, especially Fathers day.

The funerals were a week later and I went back up to Leicester once more. It was a painful train ride up after having food poisoning the night before. I must say it was way too soon to be feeling like that again as it was like how I felt after chemo only a lot worse. It was the first funeral I had even been too. It hadn’t sunk in that my grandparents had passed away but when the coffin arrived it hit me.

The next time I was back up in Leicester was for the Race for life. My mum and sisters Katie and Liz also did it with me; I was used as a case study for cancer research and was interviewed for the local BBC news. It was good fun and there was a great atmosphere. There were thousands there, it was amazing to see how many people have been touched by cancer but very sad that so many people had been affected too. It was very sad to read whom everyone was running for.

A while ago my mum had read about an opportunity to stand on a plinth in Trafalgar Square. It was a project that the Sculpture Antony Gormley was doing. He was giving thousands of people an opportunity to stand on the plinth for an hour and use their time however they want. My mum applied and heard back saying she had a slot. She was quite nervous about doing it and was not sure. I told her that if she did I would be extremely proud of her. Well she had to do it after that!

Mum said she wanted it to be about me so she used breast cancer awareness and my blog as a theme. She dressed up in white and pink and planed to make pink ribbons and throw them into the crowds. She also had a big banner with my blog written on it. I thought this was a great idea.

The day came and I as well as my dad and two sisters Katie and Loo went to support her. My sisters had made these T-shirts saying that my mum. A great idea as we got lots of attention. My mum very bravely got craned up onto the plinth and stayed up there for an hour. Luckily the rain stayed off and the sun came out for her. She made breast cancer pink ribbons and throw them to people. So many people came up to me and my sisters asking what it was all about so we told them about me and why wanted to create awareness. Everyone thought it was a great idea.

It went down so well that Sky arts were interested in doing a little story about it and we all got interviewed and it appeared on Sky arts on the Friday. This was very exciting. It did not happen to many people so we were very happy that they were so interested. It was a fantastic day. I was very proud of my mum!

As well as all that I have been trying to plan my 30th birthday! At first I was going to have a mini festival but it ended up being way to stressful and time consuming to sort out not to mention expensive. Instead I have organised a nice little intimate party and am very excited! I decided I really should treat myself to a holiday seeing as I went straight back to work after my treatment and I am about to start college soon. As I have always wanted to go to California and didn’t have the funds to do so after my treatment finished I booked myself a flight to LA and am planning on travelling around for 3 weeks. I’m so excited! I will also get to see some friends that live out there too. It will be just what I need.

So I think that's about everything! As you can see I have been very busy and I have so much to look forward too! Despite having a tough time with cancer I have definitely not let it ruin my life.

Treatment over.....

2009-05-22T17:34:00.008+01:00

....and catching up on lost time. The last month has flown by and a lot has happened in the last four weeks. I finished my radiotherapy treatment, which went really well and thankfully did not leave me red or sore. I was very lucky to not react as bad as some people do. Most people can be left scabby and too sore to wear a bra. I was glad to see the back of the hospital. I just have my surgery now which I am hoping will get a lot sooner because of the little reaction to my skin.

I have had a lot of fun (probably a bit too much) and made the most of the weekends by going to Brighton to look for work (not much luck) and Hastings, where I went for the Pagan spring equinox celebrations, Jack in the Green. Its been great to be able to relax, drink and enjoy being with friends again. I have certainly missed it to say the least.

In between the partying I have been applying for courses. I applied for the BTEC in fashion design at Leicester and Worthing and then came across a foundation degree in Fashion design which is more intense and probably more suited for me as I want to be employable. I applied to do the course at Brighton and Leicester university. So I have plenty of options and hopefully the BTEC to fall back on if I don't get on the foundation degree. I have not drawn much for ten years so am trying to sketch everyday and build up a bit of a portfolio.

As well as that I have had a short break in Spain with my friend Amy who's parents live out there. It was a fantastic holiday, very relaxed and a lot of fun. Sunbathing, swimming in the sea, drinking San miguel, eating tapas, absolute heaven!! I did not want to come back to miserable blighty, but I did have lots to look forward too.

A friend of the family put me forward for the Prima woman of courage awards. I got picked to be a finalist and was over the moon! On Thursday I went to London for a photo shoot and interview. I had so much fun, everyone was so lovely. There are three other finalists, all who have had breast cancer. It will appear in the August edition of Prima which will be on sale in July. The readers vote, so please buy a copy and vote for me! I get to go to a fashion awards party in September where the winner is announced. Very exciting!

I made the most of being in London and went to Camden with my sister Liz. I went vintage shopping where I did some pretty good haggling and got some bargains. We met up with an old school friend and had some Moroccan food and a strawberry shisah. I'd had such a great day out and was exhausted by the end of it.

I have another two trips to London where I will be having luch with some people from Samsung and then a photo shoot for a Samsung European breast cancer campaign.

So, I have lots to look forward to and plenty to keep me busy. Its just what I have needed since finishing my treatment. There has never been a dull moment. I can also feel my confidence slowly but surely returning. All my hair has grown back and my eyelashes and eyebrows are coming along nicely. I am feeling pretty good at the moment!!

I would like to say thank you very much for everyones support and lovely messages that I have had through out the last six months. My family and friends have been amazing and its been great to meet new people going through the same and to know I have helped some people too.

Almost there!

2009-04-22T19:58:00.009+01:00

Chemotherapy seems quite a while ago now and I feel like I have come a long way. It has helped having lots of things to look forward too. Trips away, goals to aim for and plans for the future.

A week in Cornwall with Joe was a much needed holiday I took a week before my radiotherapy. We stayed in a little cottage situated on a hill overlooking the beach. It was absolute heaven! I love Cornwall anyway but this felt like paradise. It was perfect and I had fantastic time going for brisk beach walks, visiting beautiful little cornish towns and villages and eating plenty of pasties and cream teas! It felt good to be by the sea again. I could sit and stare at the sea for hours. The crashing of the waves is so hypnotic and the vast expanse sea is very therapeutic. It was hard leaving such a beautiful part of the country especially to come back inland again. However, I came back feeling very re-energized and refreshed.

This was our view from the cottage. Who could tear themselves away from this?!

Sat on the beach watching the waves and surfers in the evening with a duvet to keep you warm is definitely the way to do it!

The cottages. Ours was the little on the end.

I am now nearly half way through my radiotherapy and so far I have no side effects. Going to the hospital is not as much as a drag as I thought. It gets me out of the house for a start and only takes about 2 hours out of my day. It helps having glorious sunshine to come back to for the rest of day too. It is definitely a walk in the park compared to the chemo.

I have lots of things to look forward too. Weekends away to Brighton and Hastings, a long weekend in Spain and moving back to Brighton for the summer all keep me going. I also have an interview in May for the fashion course I'm hoping to get on, so need to start preparing for that. I might also be involved in another breast cancer campaign which will be European wide. Plenty to keep me busy. If you did not catch my interview with Caryn Franklin you can see it here. - http://www.my-wardrobe.com/my-tv/ftbc

I am hoping I will be feeling well enough to move to Brighton quite soon after the radiotherapy and start working again. Getting some of my independence back is so important to me. I am so lucky that I will have finished my treatment just in time for summer. I am so happy I am almost at the end!

My Interviewing debut

2009-04-01T15:49:00.005+01:00

Yesterday I interviewed Caryn Franklin about the Fashions targets breast cancer campaign for My-wardrobe.com. Caryn has co-chaired the charity since the campaign was launched in 1996. I interviewed her about the 2009 campaign which is being launched next week.

I arrived at My-wardrobe's office in London and had to have nose through the clothes. When I came across the Ossie Clarke pieces I think my eyes must of lit up and started drooling! I also spotted the most fabulous purple platform wedges they also had a fabulously large price too. I could only dream of all these gorgeous fashion creations.

Caryn arrived early which was probably a good thing as the nerves started to kick in. While the camera was being set up Caryn and I chatted. She is a lovely women and put me at ease about interviewing her. I could not really believe I was interviewing someone I had grown up with on the telly. I used to watch The Clothes Show religiously when I was younger.

I had tried to memorize all the questions the day before but my nerves got the better of me. We had to be filmed four times at different angles. As soon as the camera was aimed at me I forgot and stumbled over all the questions. Fashion Targets breast cancer campaign was becoming a mouth full so was able to abbreviate it in some of the longer questions.

I got through it and was relived it was over. Everyone seemed happy with it. I had really enjoyed it despite of being extremely nervous. The nerves were more about remembering the questions though as I have a terrible memory. I think if I had remembered them I would have felt a lot more at ease.

It has always been a bit dream of mine to do something like that. I am not sure you could say I am a natural but I think I did pretty well seeing as I have not done an awful lot for the last 6 months and my confidence is not sky high at the moment. I'm not looking forward to watching myself as I could not think of anything worse then seeing and listening to my own voice on screen. I just hope its better then what I think.

The interview will appear on the my-wardrobe.com's TV spot on their website next Tuesday.

The dark cloud has lifted.....

2009-03-25T13:22:00.002Z

....from above my head and I am feeling much better this week. I did not end up going to Glastonbury unfortunately but had a lovely weekend with my best friend. We spoke about a lot of things that were bothering me and and he helped me to make sense of them all. I feel I know what to do to carry on with my future in a positive and painless way. Knowing is the easy part though, its the doing thats the hardest bit. I defiantly need to draw in my energy for a while so that I can recover fully.

The weather was beautiful at the weekend and I made the most of it by going on walks. I went to Pittsford reservoir with my sister on Friday, Thornton reservoir on Saturday and Pittsford again on the Sunday. I had never been to Thornton reservoir before, its beautiful. I didn't feel like I was in Leicestershire, I could have easily been abroad. I really really enjoyed getting out and walking, especially by some water too. I love water and really miss living by the sea. I always found the sea so therapeutic. I could sit there for hours looking out at the ocean, all my troubles and worries disappearing.

My friend Lucy who I went to Uni with came down last week and took some photos of me. I thought it would be a good idea because I had been feeling so crap about myself. I also needed some photos to give the modeling agency. It was perhaps a bit too soon as I was not feeling good about myself last week and I think it shows in the photos. I did not feel as relaxed as the last time we did a shoot together. I was pleased with some of the photos though. We were both a little frustrated because I was not able to relax and Lucy was not enjoying using her digital camera after using medium format. We made the most of it though and had a fun day. I enjoyed the shoot in the cemetery especially.

So, yesterday I saw my oncologist and we talked about the radiotherapy and got a tattoo on my chest. I say tattoo, it was just some permanent dots on my chest so that they know where to place the machine each time. Thats probably as close as I'll ever get to a getting a tattoo. Radiotherapy begins on the 14th April, everyday for 3 weeks. I decided against having it under my arm. I feel this was the right decision to make. I am sure most women would have taken the risk but I do feel my cancer has gone and will never return. I also started Tamoxifen last night. I will be taking this pill everyday for 5 years. It puts you into an early menopause, although I think its already started from my periods stopping from the chemo. I am already getting mild hot flushes.

I have my radio interview tomorrow at the hospital and will be interviewed what its like having chemo. I also have my interview for Mywardrobe.com with Caryn Franklin which I am quite nervous about!

I have got a few trips sorted in the next 2 months. I am off to see a friend of mine in Oxfordshire this weekend, off to Cornwall for a week on the 3rd April and going to Spain with a friend after my radiotherapy. Cornwall is going to be amazing, we have booked a little cottage in Sennen. Its on a hill overlooking the beach, it looks like pure heaven!! Unfortunately it looks like California will have to be put on hold for the time being. Next year defiantly!

I have also decided to move back to Brighton for the summer. I miss it so much and did not really get to enjoy my short time down there last year. I will deserve a bit of fun and want to be near my friends down there again. If I get into college up here in Leicester it will be a nice little break for me before I start.

So, I have lots to look forward to. Once the radiotherapy is over I can finally get my life back!!

Spring has sprung

2009-03-16T20:37:00.011Z

I am so happy that the sun is shining and spring is on its way because at the moment I am my happiest sitting out in the natural elements taking in the new spring air. I feel it is appropriate timing that I am finishing my treatment and will be starting to live my life again when Spring is emerging.
The Spring equinox begins this weekend, when night and day stand in perfect balance. The Spring Equinox represents new life and growth. The lethargy of winter is dissipating and there is the promise of life becoming more exuberant.

This equinox is also known as Ostara or Eostre - and is celebrated as a festival of new growth, renewal, a re-balancing of energies and the return of longer days.

"Goddess of fertility and new beginnings, we take this opportunity to embrace Eostre's passion for new life and let our own lives take the new direction we have wanted for so long."

I mentioned in my last post the last chemo being bittersweet and how its left me feeling alone and despondent. I kept waking up last week wishing I was still asleep. Now I know that sounds bad and normally I would link that feeling with depression but that's not how I felt. I'm not sure if it was just because I had a lot of sleep to catch up on or whether I was genuinely happier while sleeping but the feeling was different from being depressed. Maybe it was because I was somewhere different in my dreams and have been craving a change of scenery.

A girlfriend asked me to go out on Saturday night. At first I jumped at the chance of a night out, after all I had not been out properly since my birthday in August last year. When it got to Saturday I was umming and arring all day, mainly because I wasn't sure if it was a bit too soon to be going out drinking. I decided that I could really do with a good night out and was bored of being stuck in all the time anyway.

It took me a while to get ready. I must of tried my whole wardrobe on. When it comes to getting ready I am a real perfectionist and get easily frustrated if somethings not quite right. My mum said I was like this even at a very young age. If my socks were odd I would have to have a right paddy and I even used to colour coordinate my outfits. Well this time I had a paddy because my short thinning hair didn't look right with my look, I couldn't get my fake eyes lashes on right at the first, third or forth attempt and when I drew my eyebrows on I felt ridiculous. Also not everything fits the same anymore because of losing weight. I don't necessarily expect men to understand this but I'm pretty sure you girls do.

I do feel like I shouldn't moan and I feel I'm being ungrateful when I say things like "I miss my long hair" and "I wish I had my eyelashes back." I know they will grow back and my hair will be long again in a few years and it doesn't matter how many times someone says to me you look beautiful. I just want someone to agree with me. For the first time today someone actually did and she said 'God, you're right. Long hair was you and it must totally suck.' I was so glad to hear this because I don't moan to get attention or a reaction out of anyone, like most people I just want to moan now and then.

So after my mammoth dressing up session I finally made it out. I must admit I was pretty nervous at first and it took a good 2 large vodkas to make me feel a little at ease but I can totally see the difference in my confidence right now. I was coping just fine with my friend but as soon as we met up with her boyfriend and his friends I felt incredibly anxious and did not feel ready to be overtly social with some new people.

I am feeling incredible vulnerable, insecure and emotional. I do not feel myself at the moment and in a social situation this feeling is heightened. Of course alcohol does not help one bit and I think I may not have been ready for a night out.

It takes a lot for me to admit these things and I feel like I am really baring my soul when I write some of these posts. But I am doing this so that people who have not gone through what I am going through can really understand and more importantly for anyone that is going through the same as what I am, can relate to it and not feel alone like I do.

When I write a post like this I often get comments and emails from people who have had cancer saying they felt the same way and that its still early days. Its great to hear that it is just part of the experience and I will regain my life back soon.

Im off to Glastonbury with my best friend this weekend to celebrate the Spring equinox. It will be my first trip away and I feel a very appropriate one too. I'm hoping to retrieve some of my energy back and feel rejuvenated.

"It is a time to focus on personal growth and renewal. We renew our thoughts, our dreams, and our aspirations."

Bittersweet

2009-03-13T16:54:00.005Z

Since finishing chemo emotionally I have been all over the place. I was expecting to be more unwell then I have been but I seem to have managed to get away with it more lightly this time. Its true when they tell you that each one can be very different and there is no consistency to how you are going to feel after each one. I had the sore throat and the aches and pains for a few days but I have been up and about most of the time. I do get tired very quickly though and forget what state my health is in and can quickly over do it. At the moment I can pretty much guarantee when it gets to late afternoon I start to feel tired or even a little poorly.

Emotionally though I have not been feeling too good, up until now anyway. Finishing chemo feels bittersweet. You are left feeling slightly dejected and alone. One minute your living your life or in my case trying to build a new one and then suddenly in one fell swoop your life is turned upside down. Your life is then consumed by this disease and your almost living life in a bubble, protected from the outside world and only worrying and concentrating on getting through it. I was able to forget about working and any future plans. So when I approached the end of the chemo I felt scared and lost as my life was not going to go back to normal just like that and I really had no where to pick up from anyway.

It feels like some people assume that because it was your last chemo you should be ecstatic and your life will go back to normal straight away. I feel like I need just as much support as I ever have done. My sister and a friend described it like how it must feel coming out of prison. Everyone expects you to be happy because you are out when in fact its a daunting prospect at having to rebuild your life again.

There are times when I have really felt like I have not had the strength to cope and could easily let it get on top of me. Months of being injected with strong drugs must really mess with your head leaving you feeling emotionally inept. I have however and am coping. I have drawn out strength I did not know I had. As well as the cancer I have had other issues to deal with too and was probably wasting a lot of energy on.

I have been fed up of being at home all the time and having nothing to look forward to so arranged a few weekends away with friends. I need to recoup and revitalize my body and mind and restore my energy. I think having a break after treatment is so important. I have arranged to go to Spain for a weekend with a friend after radiotherapy so that its not too much of another anti-climax.

I have applied for a fashion course which I will have an interview soon and am sorting a photo shoot out for some recent photos to give the modeling agency. Having a few plans already makes me feel more secure about the future.

I also have some exciting news. I have been asked to interview Karen Franklyn about a campaign for My-wardrobe.com's TV spot. The campaign is for Fashion Targets Breast Cancer, which is a subsidiary charity of Breakthrough Breast Cancer, Every year they launch a campaign with various fashion brands and retailers to raise money. The launch date will be on April 6th. So check it out!

Someone asked me if I was ending my blog because I had finished my chemo. My journey with cancer has not ended just quite yet and have more treatment and surgery to go through before its over. So the answer is no I am not ending the blog just yet.

Race for life

2009-03-08T15:24:00.004Z

A few weeks ago I appeared in some Leicestershire newspapers about doing the Cancer research race for life. I had not got round to actually signing up and asking people for some sponsor money. So seeing as I have been lying in bed getting over my last bout of chemo I thought I had better get on with it.

It will be on the 12th July 11AM at Western park, Leicester. I will do my damned hardest to run it but have no idea how I will be feeling by then. I don't think I could even run a mile normally but I have never trained for anything like this before. My level of fitness must be at a zero right now so not only will this race raise money for a great cause it will be a great excuse for me to get fit again, and boy do I need an excuse to do some exercise!

We all know cancer touches many of us. We have either been affected by it or know someone who has been. Therefore we know what a debilitating and frightening disease it is. Some people battle on for years and the disease sadly gets the better of them and some are lucky enough to fight it off and survive. Like me I'm sure the ones who do survive it completely changes their lives and brings many positives from it.

So please dig deep, get your spare change out of your pockets and from down your sofas and help a great cause by sponsoring me!

Here is the link to sponsor. Thank you.

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/emilyholt

I have to say apart from hating this photo I hate the colour pink too so will be making a statement by wearing my favourite colour, purple!!

I can see that silver lining....

2009-03-06T15:04:00.004Z

..now that my chemo is over. I can not believe its been over 6 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It only seems like yesterday I was sitting with my oncologist who was telling me what was ahead of me. At the time it was all too much to take in and I could barely conceive of the idea of going through what I have just gone through. But, I have done it! The worst is defiantly over. I coped with the surgery so much better then I had ever imagined and the chemo as grueling as it has been is finally over!

It has been a slight anti-climax as I am obviously having to get over the last bout of it so I have not been able to celebrate nor do I have the energy to sound enthusiastic about finishing. I am however extremely relieved its over and proud of myself for getting through it. There were many low and bleak moments but I got through them and I think I have learnt a lot from all the time I have had getting through this.

I was hoping my last chemo session in hospital was going to be a quick one. My bloods were fine so there seemed no reason for any delay. No such luck. I guess it would not have been the same without waiting around all day.

Sitting there having the chemo is not so bad, it was the cold cap which I always dreaded having. I so nearly gave up half way through. I can not believe I still have my hair. So many women must be told about the cold cap but are advised not to bother with it. Well If I'm not a good advertisement for it I don't know what is. I saw a few women in there with hair one minute and the gone the next. Some wore wigs, some just wore head scarfs.

Its a strange thing to say but even though I was scared at the prospect of losing my hair I think If I had lost it I thought that in some way it would do me good to be stripped bare of all my femininity and knowing once it had all grown back again how confident I would feel. I think it would have made me feel more like I had cancer and to the people around me, not to say that would have been a good thing. No one who did not know would not have guessed I was ill and friends I did not see regularly could not believe how good I looked. I certainly have not looked like a typical cancer patient.

I spoke to my oncologist for a while about what was next. My radiotherapy is due to start after Easter. The good news is it will be for 3 weeks and not 5. Going in everyday minus those 2 weeks will make all the difference. He told me that they would radiate only on my chest until he realised I had most of my lymph nodes out so therefore they would want to radiate over my armpit too. He proceeded by telling me of the risks of Lymphedema which is a side effect from the radiotherapy as well as the surgery. It affects 1 in 4 women, quite high I thought. He has left it up to me to decide though as he knows that developing lymphedema is not pleasant and there is no cure for it.

Lymphedema is one of the most troubling complications that can develop after breast cancer surgery. It is caused by interruption of the lymph drainage in the armpit, which can cause discomfort and swelling and an abnormal appearance of the arm. It is a chronic condition that will need to managed in some way for the rest of your life.

I guess some people would take the risk and would rather not have the cancer return but I do not want something else that will affect me for the rest of my life and be a permanent reminder of having breast cancer. It would also it affect my physical appearance and even perhaps my mobility in that arm.

I would like to get back into modeling and am a creative person who wishes to pursue a career in fashion design. I would hate for this to make life more difficult for me in the future. I am sure most of you maybe thinking "I would rather take the chance as cancer could return." However I have had a mastectomy, and the chemo was an extra precaution to zap any cancer cells that could not be picked up on a scan and the radiotherapy is a double precaution. I'm pretty positive with my whole attitude alone that the cancer will never return. I also do not think my oncologist would leave the decision up to me if he did not think i was absolutely necessary. Still, not an easy decision to make nor to be taken lightly.

We also discussed where I was going to have my reconstructive surgery. I am very pleased with the surgeon I had down south so am more then likely to stick with him. I thought it was worth meeting a surgeon up in Leicester though. Its going to be a huge thing having the reconstruction and I am obviously going to want it to look as perfect as possible. Its not a choice of mine to have implants and I will be stuck with this for the rest of my life so I want to make sure I am in the best hands.

I will also be starting tamoxifen soon. It is a pill I will have to take everyday for 5 years. It reduces the risk of hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer recurring. As like every drug it has a long list of side effects the most common being an early menopause. Not something I will look forward to experiencing especially as I will have to go through it again when I am older! Taking tamoxifen also means I can not conceive for 5 years, but that sounds like a pretty good excuse not to settle down and have children and to concentrate on my career if you ask me!

Talking of careers I did have quite a big freak out moment about what I was going to do with my life after all my treatment. I know I am not fully over it yet but finishing the chemo made me feel that the end was near. I am also very bad at jumping ahead into the future and panicking. But seeing as I do not really have a life to go back to I knew that I am going to have to start a new one. Of course this is exciting but is daunting at the same time.

I had not long got back from traveling when I found out I got breast cancer so had not had the chance to settle and sort out what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I feel like I have been stuck in this bubble for 6 months. The cancer has consumed my life and I have not needed to worry so much about my future plans. I am he sort of person who is easily introverted if not out and about working and socialising. It will not take me long to get my confidence back but its just making that first step that can be a little frightening.

It was the best idea to freak out straight after a session of chemo as its never a time where I have felt positive or upbeat about life. The drugs also mess with your head making you feel depressed. However the next day still panicking slightly about stuff I decided to turn it into a positive and be constructive rather then destructive. I started searching for fashion courses in Leicester. I was convinced I was not going to find anything as I had asked my dressmaking tutor if there were more intense courses then 2 hours a week and she said there was none. I had actually looked last year and had not found any, so I was ecstatic to find a 2 year BTEC higher diploma in fashion at Leicester college that covers everything I need.

I have been to university twice to do photography and tried getting a degree but never been able to make it all the way through. I was fed up of the essay writing and just wanted to get on with the practical side. I never had the confidence to do a fashion degree either. This 2 year course will be perfect for me and gives me enough time to work as well. So, I am going to apply for it and fingers crossed I get on.

I then remembered that before I went traveling a modeling agency who have an office in Leicester as well as London were interested in representing me. So I contacted them and I told them why I had not been in touch but was still interested if they were and sent some recent snap shots. They got back to me today and said they would love me to join the agency. All I need now is some photographs for them. Things suddenly do not feel so scary anymore. Modeling as much as I find nerve wracking will do wonders for my self esteem and confidence. I like to throw myself in situations even if really scare me as i know I could easily not bother but then end up being miserable. For too long have I put off things and used excuses why not to do this or that. I can not do that any more.

I had two very polar opposite passions, fashion design and wildlife photography. I struggled to know which path to take but It was the photography that I was encouraged the most at college. It was just unfortunate I lost passion for it and it did not work out but now I know I can try and pursue my other passion and I really do think I will make a success out it. I think that perhaps sometimes even if its a lot later on in life you do what you really want to do when the time is right.

I had to know that I had some plans for when I finish and I am glad I did panic as if I hadn't I may not have looked and found this course and it may have been to late to apply and get on it.

So now I can stop worrying and concentrate getting better. I made sure I got my immune booster jab this time so hopefully there will not be another hospital visit.

I am already starting to feel the aches and pains from the last chemo and it will get worse before it gets better. However... a few weeks time I will ready for some celebratory drinks, who wants to join me?

Hair... now and then

2009-02-28T19:40:00.006Z

I forgot how long and lushes my hair used to be... I miss it.

I love my short hair but I do really miss having long hair too. I had short hair for so many years and had only just grown it so it was a kick in the teeth having to cut it all off just in case it was going to fall out. I can not believe how much hair I have left though and am very lucky to still have it so should not really moan, but when I see photos of me with long thick beautiful hair, full eyebrows and lashes It does get me a little down.

I did not wear make up for a few weeks when I was ill and when I put make up on for the first time I was surprised to see I did not really have any eyelashes left. I now wear fake eyelashes if I am going out anywhere special. I also have not realised how thin my eyebrows have got until I looked at some old photos. My hair has thinned a lot but still have plenty left. Its been growing, but very finely. So I am going to have it cut very short at some point.

I can not wait to see how my hair grows back. It should be thick and shiny as ever! My eyelashes might even grow back thicker and longer too... I am hoping anyway. I just hope I do not get too hairy everywhere else!!

A trip to the hospital

2009-02-26T13:14:00.002Z

After being in bed for a few days last week I felt well enough to get up. On the Thursday I went into Leicester for the cancer research - race for life launch. I had photos taken and spoke to a journalist and appeared in the Leicester Mercury the next day.

My sleeping pattern had been all over the place for a while and was making me feel really crap. Friday night I started to feel very unwell again. The next day I felt even worse and had to stay in bed. I was annoyed as I had arranged to see a friend I had not since since last July and it was also a beautiful day. I opened all my windows so that I could get some fresh air. It really felt like spring was on its way that day. I was gutted not to be able to enjoy it by being outside.

Joe came up later that day to bring my stuff up from Brighton. I had lost my appetite completely and I know someone is wrong when that happens. Joe had brought up a my favourite pasty from Hastings which I had to eat whether I was hungry or not.

I spent most of the day snoozing. It got to about 8 o'clock and I realised I had not been taking my temperature. In fact I had lost my thermometer and told mum. Mum managed to find it, good old mums eh! So I took my temperature and it was a little high. I had been told that if you get a high temperature you should ring the hospital.Being a Saturday night we all thought perhaps we should leave it till the morning. However, I had been taking Ibuprophen and this can mask your true temp.

I had a quick look on the Internet and came across a condiditon called Neutropenic sepsis. It can come on quite rapidly but is usually worst 7-14 days after chemotherapy.The condition develops when low white blood cells, especially the type which fight bacterial infections called neutrophils (neutropenia) do not cause any symptoms until an infection develops. It can be life threatening if you do not get yourself to the hospital so I knew then I had to call them.

They told me to make my way in and to bring an over night bag as I might have to stay. Joe took me in and we ended up having to wait quite a while as he the doctor had just been called out on an emergency. Another lady had come in at the same time with a temperature too. We waited to get our blood taken then waited till about half one in the morning to get the results. They told me I was neutrppenic and had to stay in hospital. The other lady was lucky enough to go home.

I was pleased when they took me to a private room. The doctor examined me and explained everything. She told me I could be in for five days. I was not too pleased to hear that but knew I would be better off there. I was put on a drip and by this time it was around three in the morning. I was tired and felt terrible and did not get to sleep till about 4. I was then woken up at 6 in the morning to have my antibiotics through a drip. I was hoping I could get some rest but then I was taken to get a chest X-ray.

It was the other side of the hospital and a porter wheeled me over. I was waiting for my X-ray and there were a few people in there looking a little worse for wear. Two girls looked like they had been out and looked like they had got beaten up. One old lady looked like a corpse and another lady was in serious pain. My name was called and I went in. When I stood up I felt like I was nearly going to collapse. I waited for a bit for the porter to come back and get me, I felt awful, I thought I was going too pass out.

Finally I got back to my bed and was offered a cooked breakfast which I passed on. the food was absolutely disgusting and not fit for a dog let alone cancer patients. A doctor came to see me and said that next time I should have the booster jab for my white blood cells. I told her that I normally do and I had forgotten to ask about it. The doctor looked through my notes and saw that the oncologist had in fact prescribed it for me and there was even a letter to be sent to the district nurse to come out two days after my chemo. This meant someone had not doe their job and because of this my blood levels got so low and I ended up in hospital. I was so annoyed that this could have been avoided.

My parents and Joe came into visit. The visiting hours were long which was great. So had company all day.

When Joe had left a nurse came in and said I had to move to the ward. I was gutted to be moving to a ward with other people but someone needed it much more then me. I found out it was a friends dad who had not long to live after battling cancer for 3 years.. I felt incredibly sad. Nobody should have to go through that. I send all my love to his family.

I did not get much sleep that night. Hospitals are not very relaxing places. There is always so much going on and the snoring does not help either!

I think I must of got three hours sleep. Again I got woke up at six to have my antibiotics. A night nurse then comes round with the the day nurses to tell them who you are and what is going on and then its breakfast, so you can not even get a couple more hours sleep in. I had my bloods taken again and waited for the results, hoping I would be able to go home. I did not hear anything till quite late and unfortunately my blood levels were still too low but the nurse said there it was still possible I could leave the next day.

My vein was killing me and was swollen from where I was having fluids put in. I asked the nurse to change to cannula and she was reluctant to do it and first. She decided to put the next lot of antibiotics in regardless which annoyed me and when I shouted out in pain she then changed it.

I was getting really bad headaches every time I got up and found out this was because I had low blood pressure. The headaches were so painful but disappeared once I laid down. There was not much I could do about it either.

That night a lady in the ward was snoring like a walrus and again I did not get much sleep. I was desperate for a good nights sleep and knew I was not going to get one till I got home. Its impossible to even try and sleep early as there is too much going on.

I was waiting for the doctor to come and tell me I could go home but I did not get the news I wanted. She said I was still neutropenic and it was best I stayed in. I thought well I can handle just one more day but after that I had to go home.

I had my bloods taken again. My bloods were going up which was a good sign.

I got to speak to some of the other women on the ward. Each one had different types of cancer which had spread and were going through a really tough time of it. It made me think hope really lucky I am to only be going through what I am and that it could be so much worse.

The next day I finally got the news I was waiting for. I could leave! I had to wait for my prescription of antibiotics before I could leave though. Someone else needed my bed so I had to wait in the daycare room. My older sister had surprised me with a visit which was great and then another friend came to visit. Mum and dad came about half three to pick me up but I was still waiting for my prescription. We did not get to leave till just before six.

I was so glad to get out of there and to go home back to my bed and some proper homemade cooking. I had the best nights sleep ever. I slept a whole twelve hours! I am feeling a lot better now.

So not quite the last few days I was expecting. I guess it was a change of scenery for a while though and the experience was no way near as horrible as when I had gone in to hospital down south for my surgery and the nurses were a lot more friendly too.

So my last chemo is next wednesday. I am so pleased and am nearly over the worst now.

Spread your wings and fly

2009-02-16T15:05:00.011Z

I have been lying in bed for the last three days exhausted from the last drug injection! I have never felt so exhausted. I do not feel too bad when I am laid down but if I get up and try and do anything I feel like I am going to collapse. I have a few aches and pains and started to get a sore mouth but nothing like last time. I have this weird pins and needles feeling in my legs and feet. Its not quite the same but rather fewer pins and bigger needles!

I have not been sleeping too well. I spent most of Saturday drifting in and out of consciousness. I do not mind feeling tired and sleeping.. at least it passes the time away. I had been doing some drawings the day before. Its been such a long time since I sat down and drew, I was really enjoying it!

I have so much time to think at the moment that I am trying to make sense of the all the stuff that happens in my life, the good and especially the bad. I have been going through an emotional roller coaster as well as a physical one. The physical one is more straight forward as in its in the hands of the doctors and all I can do is rest and look after myself. The emotional side is the tougher one to deal with.

I am very analytical and like to believe everything happens for a reason whether it be good or bad. I was always quite spiritual and philosophical but when something like this happens to you I think you really do take more time out to stop and think about life and where you are going with it.

I feel like I have struggled in life and never achieved what I've wanted, but I think most the time I was running away and hoping to find happiness in other things such as love or some new place to live. Of course its all down to you make yourself happy. While I was running away from everything I felt like I was waiting for something big to happen to me rather then me going out there and getting it. it did not help being unsure about what it was I really wanted, so found it hard to know what to go and get. I guess waiting around for something to happen was all I could do until I really knew what that was.

I am not sure I would like to say getting cancer was the big thing I was waiting for but it certainly is helping me grow as a person and changing a lot of things in my life. A lot of good has come out of it so far and I'm pretty sure there is more to come. You just can not let something bad that happens to you take over and ruin your life. I believe we are thrown the bad stuff at us to learn and grow from and I do believe we are not thrown stuff our way if we can not handle it.

Life does seem incredibly cruel at times and boy don't I know it. I feel like I am the leading lady in some tragic love story sometimes or some fairy tale. Being a Leo I love to love and am a hopeless romantic. I have always put love first and career second. I think that is a mistake I have made in the past because its never got me anywhere. I have neglected myself too often. My heart rules my head unfortunately and its not done myself any favours!

Of course I can not wait to meet the person I am to spend the rest of my life with but I think timing is important. Some people meet their long life partners so early, some it takes years. I think you meet them when it is right time in your life. I believe that to be true in my case. I have met guys who appeared to be the right person but the timing has been wrong. Its sad and causes heartache but such is life. I believe you should learn from every relationship you go through. I feel like it is almost preparing me for when I do meet "the one".

Apart from love which is probably my favourite subject I think a lot about the future and what it holds for me. I think about the past and what it has done to me. I often worry that I am nearly 30 and do not have a career underway. I am not bothered about not having my own mortgage, car, family as I have never desired those things at an early age and never wanted to conform anyway but I have always wanted a job I love doing. I was never happy doing any old job just to get by, or to help me consume material things.

I feel my life has to have more purpose and I do not feel happy living the way society wants me to live. I was given a creative talent which has been wasted. We can not all me lawyers, doctors, office workers otherwise the world would be an incredibly boring place. I think its sad that i was never pushed at school to excel at what I was good at and to be told to take a direction I had no interest in. Its got me no where and I feel has slowed down the process of me doing anything.

I was never given the drive, confidence and motivation to go out and get what I want. It seems OK to have dreams of becoming a doctor or a lawyer but when its something creative it is only a dream and how could you possible achieve that. Well people do don't they? Wouldn't life be so dull and boring without rock stars, fashion designers, creative writers, actors and artists. Why are we all encouraged to do more academic subjects even when we are obviously more creative.

I do feel my dyslexia has held me back and it shouldn't have. It has only held be back because it wasn't not accepted as a learning difficulty in my day and at the school I went to. I'm sure if I had been given the encouragement and confidence I needed I may have got further getting the career I want.

This is the way things are and now I am building my own confidence and self esteem and can no longer blame my past for everything. I think I had been a victim of myself for too long. I was constantly blaming other things and people around me for why my life was not the way I wanted it to be. You can only do that for so long.

I feel if you do not learn from your mistakes, past relationships, and experiences such as having cancer then you will not never move on and and the old patterns will keep repeating themselves.

Have you ever thought. "Why does this keep happening to me?" I did all the time. I felt my life was going round and round in circles and not getting anywhere . I never broke off from old patterns in my life. I was not learning from my past. I was clinging on and not letting go and blaming everything around me.

I would go into another relationship scared because I had been in an abusive or distrusting one. I would treat that person like I would the previous one. I have been with guys who have obviously not learnt from their past relationships too and have treated me like I was the ex that hurt them by being either insecure. possessive, jealous or distrusting.

Its impossible the make a relationship work if your still clinging on to old patterns and ideas. It just destroys it. It has certainly taken me a few boyfriends to realise this.

Its the same with everything in life. I did not realise until recently that trying to seek happiness in other things was just me running away from the real issues I had.

Nothing can bring you that ultimate happiness but yourself.

I am on this journey alone. Its tough but I know Its making me stronger, wiser, positive and spiritually aware more then I ever have been. Its still early days but cancer will have been the big kick up the backside I needed to go and live my life without fear and to brake away from those old patterns.

I believe in animal spirit guides and have always loved butterflies and what they symbolise. They are such beautiful delicate creatures that start off as caterpillars going through a journey of transformation evolving into a butterfly.

"The butterfly is the symbol of metamorphosis and transformation.
The symbol of new life, letting go of old cycles and finding your true inner expression.
The butterfly calls you to expand your awareness, spread your wings and call forth your inner joy.

Let go of limitations, and free yourself to express your own beauty within.

It is the time of spiritual transitions. Symbolic of moving from one phase of life to the next reaching higher, reaching outward, leaving the safety of the cocoon and finding your own place among the flowers of life.

Allowing the wind to carry you forward to your goals and dreams. A time of self-discovery rebirth. The butterfly shows you the beauty within.

Go forth with joy."

Expecting to fly.....

2009-02-12T00:07:00.015Z

is a beautiful song amongst many others that are helping me feel very mellow after two days on steroids and today's chemo. I am surprised and very happy to be feeling calm right now.I am feeling high but in a more subdued and laid-back way. Its quite a contrast to how I was feeling last time. As much fun as I had I probably did not do myself any favours having a mad one, although its certainly on the cards for my last chemo sesh!

I felt a little manic and twitchy on the steroids yesterday so I went out for tea and cake in a country cafe with my sister and two nieces. It was a beautiful sunny and frosty day and a very much needed drive out. I was scared to stay in feeling wired and someone getting the brunt of my hysteria. Going out and doing something is possibly the best thing you can do while on these maniacal pills! As soon as I got back home I started to feel a little restless. I started to knit so I had something to keep my hands occupied and managed to sit in front of the TV without getting up and climbing the walls.

I got to sleep earlier then I had the previous time but woke up feeling I'd barely slept a wink. It was an early morning, for me anyway and not something you are ecstatic about rising early for either. I had to get my bloods done at the hospital as did not arrange for a nurse to come out in time the day before so I knew that there would be some waiting around again.

I had woken up in a bit of a bad mood and it took reading some spiritual books to snap me out of it and I started to feel happier and calmer. I saw a different oncologist, a lovely lady who was extremely helpful. She told my my bloods were fine apart from being a little anemic. She prescribed me some iron tablets and some mouth wash just in case I got a sore mouth again. I feel a little more prepared for the next few days now and hopefully won't suffer anywhere as near as bad as I did last time.

It was a little while until I got to have my chemo and I was feeling surprisingly patient. I guess I was expecting it this time and reading books and a bit of knitting helped pass the time away. It was great not to feel sick this time too, I think it being the first TAX chemo last time and not really knowing what to expect made me feel anxious and a little nauseous. The only thing I was dreading was the cold cap.

The time arrived, the ice cap went on and gave me the ice cream headache. This time the nurse gave me some pain killers, but guaranteed every time it was changed I was in pain. We did not have scrabble to occupy ourselves this time so some old hospital mags had to do. Only managing to look at the pictures, reading was too painful behind the eyeballs!

The nurse was impressed with how much hair I still have left and said I was likely to keep most of it now. Having thick hair and cut really short will have helped a lot. Its defiantly thinner but I do not think you could tell I have been losing it. I have lost a few eyelashes which are looking quite scraggly with mascara on but I am loving not having to shave! I guess the only down side is I will not get the curly hair I have always dreamt of. I said to mum "Shall I not use the cool cap for the last chemo, lose my hair so that it'll come back curly?" I think you can guess what she replied to that?

Time was up! Yes! There was no way I was going home so we suggested we went out for dinner and went to the flicks. I wolfed down a pizza and then we went so see a a great film even if slightly sad and left mum and I blubbing at the end. 7 pounds with Will Smith, defiantly worth a watch. The film left me feeling very tranquil. It was set in California and he lived in a beautiful beach house on the west coast. Now I could picture myself somewhere like that in few years time! I had been reading a book my American friend sent me on creative visualisation... now this is something I am going to be visualising!!

Only one more chemo to go!!!!!!!!!

We arrived back home and I put on some mellow tunes to keep me in that tranquil state I was in. It worked! I still feel very imperturbable and enjoying it! I have just had a mug of hot milk and laid back and day dreamt for a while and then thought it would be perfect to write a new post while I am feeling so very serene and buoyant. It does not happen often! Feels great to write such a positive post!

Out of the darkness and into the light, lets hope it lasts!

These photos were taken in New Zealand. Lying in some long grass with the sun beating down on my face is where I would like to be right now.

I dreamt of the most vividly bright and colorful rainbow the other night. I went to touch it and it started to bend and warp. A rainbow in a dream predicts the end of all your troubles followed by great happiness. Other interpretations include a blessing, new hope, emerging triumphantly from a difficult period. A divine symbol representing balance and harmony.

Sounds good to me!

A winter wonderland

2009-02-05T15:30:00.011Z

The last two weeks I realised that I still had some things from the past I needed to let go off. It can be a tough lesson but as long as you realise it and finally let go and put it to rest then you can embrace the new things that come into your life. In dreams snow symbolises new beginnings. I like to think that this is the case in reality especially for me at this time.

I feel like I have only just about got over the last chemo and the last but one is approaching already. Its been a really tough last week, emotionally and physically. I had felt so crap for so long that it was really getting to me and started to worry about everything from the present to the future. I really don't need to be worrying about the future right now but when your lying in bed for days bored out of your mind because you have tired of all possible things to keep you amused, which is not a lot then there seems not much else to do.

I can be my worst enemy, I do my own head in! I think way too much and analyse things and become frustrated and impatient. There seemed to be too much going on in my head last week and I felt like I really couldn't deal with it... I can of course but when your heads gone into that dark place it doesn't feel that way. Its hard to separate the way your feeling because of the chemo and just the way you can be generally. The chemo zaps you of all your energy and it feels like even your soul. I do not feel myself most of the time at the moment. I know it wont last forever I just find it hard to be around people when I feel like that. I would rather wallow in my own misery by myself. It doesn't matter what anyone says to you because they don't understand how your feeling. All the "Its nearly over" and"try and stay positive"'s don't mean a thing to you when you feel this low.

There are times when I feel like I'm going to lose it or I just want to run away from it all and forget about cancer. Cancer... I'm sick of the word, I hate it! Its everywhere, it happens to too many people, good people too., people who do not deserve this terrifying and evil disease. For the ones that have a chance of survival and get through it, I'm sure have learnt and grown from the tough and exhausting experience but for the ones who have no chance of survival, how do they stay positive and make sense of it. It angers and heartbreaks me. I am a very spiritual person who believe everything happens for a reason but when you hear of someone that has cancer with only months to live I just don't know what to think. Life can be so cruel.

I could now rant on about a few issues but am going to refrain for now!

This post is turning into a negative one so I will change the mood as its not all doom and gloom... but just one more last sad bit of news. Our last surviving dog Blue had to be put down on Sunday. He was deteriorating slowly and all of a sudden he seemed very unwell and we agreed the time had come. He'd had a long and good life and felt the suffering should no longer go on. He was a quiet dog and you almost forgot he was even there at times but it was very strange having him no longer laid in the middle of the kitchen floor anymore.

I was glad when last week was over. I have been feeling better this week. I still have a lingering sore throat and am very tired at the moment. Its been nice to wake up to snow every morning. The world seems so beautiful and magical when its covered in it. Its not quite as exciting when your not snowed in and its stopping you going to school or work though. I wished the snow had fallen last week when I was stuck in bed as now I feel better I want to go out but its a bit risky with the icy roads. I did not let it stop me yesterday though and I went to see a friend who it seemed I had not seen for ages. It was very very good spending time with them and it cheered me up enormously.

So next Wednesday is my last but one chemo. I do not actually dread the chemo anymore but the cold cap. It is so painful and makes me feel sick. It does worsen the experience but with all the hair I still have left it has to be worth it! I have no idea whether by the end of it I will still have hair or not. I think it will be pretty amazing if I do. To keep it for as long as I have already I would recommend it to anyone who will be undergoing chemotherapy.

Well I have not enjoyed the snow as much as I would like to have done but I hope you all have made the most of it!

Boat living

2009-01-29T17:26:00.005Z

I soon came down after the high I was on from the steroids and knew the next few days were going to be rough. I knew going on my folks narrow boat for a few days would be a good idea. The oncologist said my blood count would be at its lowest so I wanted to stay away from most people in case of infections. It was to be a busy weekend with my younger sisters popping down too so I saw everyone in dribs and drabs over the weekend.

I had my interview on the Friday morning. Not feeling very awake or prepared I did my best. I felt a little nervous as have never had an interview before and tend not to be too hot at speaking. I Umm and aahh and say 'you know' a lot. I never really seem to be able to say what I want and get mental blocks! I was not too sure that I would come across well or that my point was even going to come across as much as I wanted. It was done and any publicity is good! As long as more people are finding out my blog the better. It was now time to get away!

Being on the boat is THE best way to get away from it all. Its a different world on the canals. I love hearing the ducks quack, it sounds like they are laughing. You get big beautiful swans swimming by too, can be a bit scary if you have your head sticking out the hatch though, they may look beautiful but they sure are vicious creatures. It was wonderful having my own little space to chill out while feeling my worst. I don't tend to like being around a lot of people when I'm ill and would rather hide away and get on with it in my own way.

Fortunately it was not too cold and the boat stayed very warm and toasty with the log burner going. I stocked up with plenty of food, DVDs, music and even some vino! I was starting to feel all the aches and pains I was expecting to get and worst of all the depression. Feeling depressed for no reason and not really being able to snap out of it can be hell. I tend to get it on the third or forth day without fail.

There was something even more horrible I was to experience though and something that I have been lucky enough to avoid so far... mouth thrush. Just the sound of it sounds absolutely vile! When I had heard that this was a common side effect I thought how awful and disgusting and prayed I was not going to get it. The TAX chemo really is a hard hitter on your system and I guess it was inevitable I was not going to get away with this one.

I am not entirely sure I suffered with the full extent of mouth thrush but it certainly was not pleasant. The first thing I noticed was when I ate I felt like I was swallowing razor blades. My tongue and the sides of my mouth then became very rough, felt coated and my whole mouth was in pain. All I wanted to eat was mush. Ice cream was pure bliss to eat and I hear frozen fruit is good for it too. Brushing my teeth was hard on my gums which bled so had to be really careful not to brush too hard. I have not been to the dentist in years, something I really should have done before the chemo.

I found it really hard to sleep with aching bones and a sore and dry mouth so did not get much sleep. By Tuesday I felt like an absolute mess!! I sat at the dinner table with my food in front of me and just cried into it. I could not hack feeling like this. I do not know what is worse to be honest, that or the sickness. I think I can honestly say both are as bad as each other. My mum and sister tried to help me feel better but its not easy and there really is not much anyone can do. They must feel so helpless at times. They do all they can, everyone does.

The Oncologist warned me that this one should hit be the worst out of the next three so I am hoping that is the case.

I slept in till nearly lunch time which is what I needed. I did feel better yesterday but had a couple of hot flushes. I was not quite sure why and wondered if this was the start of an early menopause perhaps. I have been lucky enough to still have kept my fertility but it may go now while on the TAX.

I went to see my best friend, Paolo and had a fantastic day with him catching up. He helped me make sense of a lot of stuff that is going on in my life by interpreting dreams and talking about lots of crazy far out things. It was a very insightful day to say the least. I came home feeling good but started to experience some sharp shooting pains going up the bottom of my back which really make you jolt. I could get to sleep till three in the morn because I had laid in so long that day.

I woke up feeling like complete and utter shit this morning! So I decided to stay in bed all day. Sometimes its just what your body needs. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. My sister is moving into her new house across the road and want to help her so I can occupy my mind!!

To listen to my radio interview go onto the link below where I also have a page on the BBC radio Leicester website.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/leicester/content/articles/2009/01/27/cancer_woman_blog_feature.shtml

2009-01-29T17:25:00.001Z

From tired and annoyed to restless and high!

2009-01-22T17:07:00.007Z

It was an early start yesterday for the chemo. I had to pick up my wig before,which I am pleased with and can't wait for Jen to style! It is now hanging on the post at the end of my bed scaring everyone that comes in thinking there is someone there! Very amusing!

Mum and I arrived at the chemo suite (suite! Ha, what a joke!) I was told I need to get my bloods done again as the blood count was low the day before. I was a little worried it was because I had over done it the previous week but don't think its uncommon at this stage for my bloods to be low. I prayed they would be OK.

We waited a while to see the oncologist who told me that they were fine and then proceeded to tell me about what to expect with the TAX chemo. I was pleased to hear that sickness may no to be a problem and that it was more tiredness and achy bones. I was also pleased to hear that he was going to give me an injection to boost my white blood cells. He told me that this chemo session may take its toll a lot more then the next two and that my blood count will be at its lowest on the third day. Other side effects are bad skin, nails and the dreaded all over body alopecia. I know about the hair loss obviously but when someone reminds you of it it makes it seem so real again. It has not sunk in that it is going to happen.

We had arrived at 9.15 and didn't get in till 2.15. I had been getting extremely impatient and annoyed that no one was telling me why I was having to wait so long. I was one of the first there and the last to go in. I asked what the delay was and they told me it was because the chemo machine was playing up and not able to make up the drug. I was very tired from the night before, only having about two hours sleep from the steroids so found it hard to even pass the time away with reading. You wish they could tell you they would be a few hours so you could go off elsewhere as it is not a place anyone would enjoy hanging around in.

When I got called in my mum came with me. luckily I got a chair right at the end so there was more then enough room for my mum to sit next to me. First was the cold cap. I had been debating whether to have it or not as it delays the process and hate having it on. Its not as easy as the one I had in Brighton, at a freezing minus 25 degrees! having it changed four times is not pleasant at all. It gave me such a bad headache each time and even made me feel sick. The nurse said it had to be worth it though as I was doing so well with still a good head of hair.

Mum kept bringing me cups of tea and hot chocolate to try and warm me up! I had a cannula stuck in my hand which was not that bad at all and was so pleased that I had decided not to have a hickman line just for the sake of a few needles. The TAX drug doesn't irritate the veins like the FEC does either. The nurse went a bit over the top at sticking it all down and came out in a rash from my extreme sensitive skin!

The nurse was lovely and made me and mum laugh. She was very helpful in telling me lots of details about stuff I wanted to know. She said I was taking the steroids in case of an allergic reaction to the TAX. She told me at any time I could feel very sick or short of breath and to immediately tell them and they would take me off it. Seemed a little scary but I was OK.

Mum and I played some scrabble to pass the time away. She kept insisting she was helping me win but I know that I was winning fair and square as have previously thrashed her at it before! Hehe!

I could not bear each time I had to have a new cold cap on and could so have easily give up on it but I had to be brave as it is worth keeping my hair for that bit longer!!

I felt sick all day which I think was just because of where I was and the reason I there. I was so glad when it was all over!! dad picked us up and we went home, feeling a bit sick I took some anti sickness pills. I tried to sit in front of the TV but got restless instantly and could not sit still from twitching. I realised that I was becoming quiet high from all the steroids I had been taking and there was no I was going to be able to stay at home. I tried to have a bath to try and relax me but I was like a kid in a bath splashing about!

I got out of the bath put some loud music on and got ready. I felt like I could have gone out partying to an all night rave, I was whizzing my t*ts off!! I rang a friend and asked If I could go round theirs for the night. It was the only way I was not going to be climbing the walls. I drove over, music full blast singing like a nutter to music I would normally never dream of listening too!
I was feeling good and so happy that I was not feeling sick. It felt like some one had given me a class A drug rather then poisoning me.

I arrived and we played music until five in the morning! It was a great night and just what I needed! I would say I feel a little worse for wear today though and very spaced out. My mum cancelled my interview for tomorrow instead as there was no way my head was able to cope with a load of questions so early on in the morning.

I have only taken two steroids today as I need some sleep! My oncologist said I didn't have to take them after if I was feeling OK which was a relieve.

I am hoping i don't feel too bad for the next few days. Already I am feeling an enormous amount better then the last lot of chemo. I do not think I could have coped with that awful experience again. I can deal with a few aches and pains and have the painkillers on hand! I will take it easy this weekend and have a relaxing time on the narrow boat.

Had a great last week but feeling glum now...

2009-01-19T16:24:00.002Z

I pretty much made the most of the last week. I have had huge amounts of fun seeing various people and visiting my friends in Brighton. A lot of alcohol has been consumed and the late nights have taken it toll, but it has been worth it. I forgot how much I love Brighton because of the weird, wonderful and colourful characters you get down there. It makes me feel very comfortable being me and even fairly normal!

It was a painful and slow train journey back to Leicester yesterday as I was quite hung over. Back home and back to reality. I began to think about my next chemo on Wednesday. I have no idea what to expect and so a little anxious. I woke up this morning from having a full night of dreaming being in the hospital and having my chemo. Its made me feel a little down for the rest of the day. I know there is no point in worrying. I do know that I am not looking forward to being back on the steroids though. I have to start taking eight tomorrow and the next day but hopefully that will be it.

My mum is going with my on Wednesday and I will make sure she can sit with me too! At least I should not be feeling too nauseous afterwards but perhaps just a little achy and tired. My sisters are down at the weekend which will be a great distraction and I am even planing on staying on my mum and dad's narrow boat for the weekend for a change of scenery. I have always loved spending time on the boat, being on the canals is an entirely different world, very peaceful.

So I will try and make the most of tomorrow and hope the steroids do not effect me too much.

2009-01-12T23:45:00.001Z

Feeling good

2009-01-12T21:44:00.012Z

Well after many somber posts I thought it was about time I wrote a positive and more upbeat one. I have not an awful lot to write about in this one so shall keep it short and sweet.

I am feeling a lot better since the awful day I had on Friday. Being free off a long plastic line hanging out of your arm is rather pleasant! It was a constant reminder of what I am going through, not that I needed reminding. Its nice to not have to worry about wearing long sleeves when I go out, not that I really did that either! But.. my arm feels free of this alien object that was inserted into my vein and I'm glad of it, even if does mean having cannulas from now on.

I have decided that a hickman line probably is not worth having for such a short amount of time. Its more a long term thing to have and is visible on the outside of your chest. I think it would have really done my head in to be honest, more so then the PICC even if I had got used to it. I do not fancy a scar either. I think that the fact I was not able to dress the PICC line well enough to stop any infections too that the hickman line would be the same and too much of a risk.

The next chemo is next week, feels like its coming around so quickly. I guess feeling as sick as I did for longer this time it would. I'd had such a long break over Christmas too. I will be over half way and that will feel great that I am almost there! I know things may get tougher with losing my hair and I really have no idea of what to expect with the next lot of chemo as the drugs will be different. Good to hear I should not feel nauseous but just do not know what to expect. I'm hoping tiredness is all it will be.

The weeks in between the chemo, when feeling better are the best. I do not think I was expecting to feel this OK in between, not at least till the third week anyway. The weeks when I do feel fine its as if nothing is wrong with me. Its good for the body and soul, not sure I could cope with a more frequent and intense course of chemo.

Last Friday evening a good friend came round and we had a great catch up. It had been a tough day and for too long I had not seen any one. After she had gone I went to bed. I checked my emails and my mum had stayed up and wrote a great comment on my post, the last part making me cry. I needed to go to the toilet a bit later on and walked into the bathroom and caught my mum sobbing. I think going to the hospital with me had really hit her hard. I do not think she was expecting it to be quite as bad as she that. Its must be hard enough that your daughter is going through all this let alone seeing the horrible environment that I am having it in too.

Like most people she does not want to cry in front of me and wants to try and stay strong for me. I do not expect anyone to be able to stay strong through out it all, I know I certainly have my moments. Its not a bad thing to just break down and cry sometimes either. I think my mum and my family have done very well in being strong for me, being mainly girls you can imagine how much blubbing goes on.

I try and keep looking towards the future and dreaming about the adventures and endless possibilities that lie in front of me. I am hoping to take a long holiday to California after my radiotherapy, I am going to need a vacation and America is calling! Not sure where the moneys coming from but I am sure I can muster up a few bob or two for it. I'll get sewing and selling on ebay! I love not knowing whats round the corner and thinking something very exciting could possibly happen to me. I think it will finally be my time in life where I get on with my career and succeed , find the place where I am content being, be happy within and then finally find a blissful relationship to be in.

I must admit though even though going through this has not stopped my social life (if anything I have more of a social life now) I am looking forward to many more nights out. Going traveling was amazing but was very insular and when we got back there was no going out from the lack of funds, being in debt and starting a new life in an exciting but expensive city does was not easy so we tended to stay in a lot. I am ready for some more of those debauched nights out those crazy kids I call friends.

The biggest one being my 30th, which I am immensely excited about. I can not tell you how eager and thrilled I am about being in my thirties. Not something a lot of people look forward to but I know my thirties are going to be so much better. Why wouldn't they be, I think I will be wiser, more mature, will know myself better then ever, have issues sorted out in my head more. Sounds good to me. Turning thirty and being single, having no stable job or even a place to live of my own does not bother me in the least. Its quiet exciting having no ties or commitments and knowing you are a free spirit, to do whatever pleases you. Sounds good to me!

Well I am off down to Brighton to spend the last weekend before chemo to see my Brighton buddies and have a fun catching up with them.

What a week!

2009-01-09T16:20:00.004Z

A week later I have only just recovered from the chemo. Sunday I was vomiting all night, not pleasant! I was not sure if I had got a bug or if it was still from the chemo. I was fine in the day and by 8 the weirdest sensation came over me and I started to feel sick. I do not cope with being ill very well with having a bad pain thresh hold. I did not know what to do with myself when I started to feel very strange. Vomiting took away that feeling but soon came back. It was hard to sleep that night, I was very restless.

The next day I was shattered! I stayed in bed all day which is probably what my body needed. For the next two days I still did not feel quiet right. The unusual feeling came over me the next night unexpected. There was not a lot I could do other then go to bed and think of lovely thoughts until I feel asleep. I thought about something I wanted in the future and pictured the whole scene. It was beautiful, and worked a treat.

I still feeling sick the next day, the nurse told me I should keep taking my anti sickness pills. I had not been as I did not think I could take them for so long and was fed up of taking pills that had other side effects. I started taking them again and felt better. I was so bored and fed up of still feeling unwell and desperate to get out the house.

I rang the oncologist about the steroids. He said they affected people in different ways and that one patient wanted to kill her family when on them. He told me to try and keep positive and that it will help me get through it. In other words it was like was telling me to just get a grip and get on with it. Not very sympathetic at all. I obviously have a sensitive head as well as everything else and really struggle on the steroids.

I was slightly annoyed at what he told me because I have been incredibly positive but when your feeling so unwell for a while and the pills that are meant to be helping you are causing other horrible side effects its kind of hard to feel great about stuff.
In the end he told me I had to take the steroids before the chemo or I would suffer the awful side effects of the next lot, but he would not give them too me after.

It was not until yesterday when I started to feel a lot better. I had an appointment at the hospital to talk about getting a wig. I must say the lady was not the most helpful. She told me they only did synthetic wigs which was not actually true. Thank goodness I had gone to Trendco in Nottingham (their suppliers) as I knew I could have a real hair wig. Instead of the lady kindly saying she would ring up I had too ring and find out what it was called. When I had found out the name the lady said "Oh yes I know now."

I assumed it was because it cost more that they do not tell you they do real hair ones. So, I have ordered a plain long brown wig which I will get the wonderfully talented Jenny Chase to cut into the style I want. It should arrive in about 10 days. I think I will find it very strange at first but I am sure I will get used to it. I am not planning on wearing it all the time, probably when I am out and about. It will keep my head warm in this freezing weather we are having too.

The nurse came round to flush my PICC line in the afternoon. She was not able to do so which meant I had to go into the hospital this morning to see if they could flush it. When we drove in I knew something was going to be up because I kept seeing the number 11, the number tells me my guardian angel is here for me.

I was right, the line would not flush. I had an X-ray to see if it had gone up against a wall. The nurse was shocked at the length of the line coming out of my arm anyway saying it rang alarm bells for her. I had the X-ray and she was shocked at what she saw. The line is meant to be a peripherally inserted central catheter and the line should sit in a large blood vessel above my heart. It was no where near! The line was only just under my collar bone near the top of arm. The nurse was horrified, as was I that it had been left like that. It could have easily been infected to. It did not affect my chemo but was pointless being there, it was just a glorified cannula.

The only choice was for it to be taken out. I was infuriated that I had gone through all that for just 2 chemos and it to be taken out. My options are now, another possible line, depends on how the hole heals up. The nurse is reluctant to put another on in the same hole anyway in fear of infection, a hickman line which is for more long term chemo, this goes in through the chest or back to having needles. Obviously none of these appeal. I have to make a decision to which is the best option. Right now I have no idea what I want to go through.

The Hickman line does not seem appealing to me and also worried as I am allergic to all the dressing and the dressing I have been having was exposing the entrance too much and can have easily been infected. I was lucky it had not been. Having needles stuck into my tiny veins that run away is also not a pleasant thought either. I am hoping to talk to someone next week about it so she can help me decide what will be the best option.

So I arrive home very pissed off. The only good thing is that I no longer have this long line coming out of my arm! I needed cheering up, and it happened. I got a call from a lady at BBC radio Leicester saying she had read my blog, was bowled over by it and was interested in interviewing me. I was so pleased. I have the interview on the 22nd January. Some good news at least.

I was due for another hospital appointment in East Grinstead next week. Not really wanting to trek all the way down there I rang up seeing if it was necessary. The appointment was for the surgeon to look to see if I needed my expander filling. The nurse said if I was happy with the size that it was OK to wait till chemo was over. I said I am more then happy and if it was any bigger I would be leaning slightly to the left!

I asked her when I would be having my surgery after the radiotherapy, assuming it would be around a month. She told be it would be 6 months to a year. I had no idea it would be that long and was a little disappointed. I thought I would be getting my new boobs by summer. I guess there will be no bikini wearing for me this year. I would have fitted right in with my fake boobs when I go to California as well.

New year? Let me know when its August!

2009-01-03T19:12:00.005Z

I'm probably not in the best frames of mind to be writing this right now but saying that I do need to get some stuff of my chest so perhaps its not bad timing. I do apologise now for the negativity I am about to blurt out. I'll have my rant and then be positive again after!!

Its the weekend after my chemo and I still don't feel human. I defiantly have chemo brain, in other words my brain feels completely F*cked! This has been the worst chemo yet. Not sure if its because of it being the third (I heard people have a bad time on their third) or its because I have transferred hospitals. Funding seemed to be better down south, I did not get the same anti sickness up here and have felt worse off.

I woke up on New years eve feeling calm after dreading it the night before. Everywhere was covered in in frost. It was a beautiful landscape to drive through on the way to the hospital. It made me smile and lifted my spirits that morning. I'd been reading a book about angels that my mum bought me for Christmas. It some how made me think it was something that my angel had done just for me to remind me of their presence.

Joe had come up the day before so came with me to the hospital. There was no point anyone else coming as I wasn't really supposed to have anyone sit with me while having the chemo. Its not the nicest of places to spend new years hanging around either!

The whole chemo experience was better in Brighton, but it is on a smaller scale to Leicester and has a lot more people to deal with having the whole of Leicestershire to cover. Its a shame though as I felt more comfortable and welcome in Brighton. Even down to the receptionists making you feel special as soon as you walked in the door. The waiting room was so busy that not everyone could sit down. It was like a conveyor belt. People waiting to go and get there bodies pumped full of chemicals. My friend joked about having chemo through a drive thru... it didn't feel far off!

I arrived at 9.40, about an hour and a half later I met my new Oncologist and then waited another two hours and was finally called in. The area where you have your chemo is like a corridor with two long rows of chairs facing each other full of people with drips hanging from their arms. Not a pleasant sight I can tell you. I sat down amongst mainly old cancer patients and the process began.

First was the cold cap, a little different this time. It was simply a cap from a freezer rather then attached to a machine. The nurse placed it on my head and then tightly placed another hat over it to keep it close to my scalp. This time I did get the ice cream headache. I couldn't bare it. The hat was covering my ears which was freezing them too and was tight around the bottom of my chin near and round my neck. I felt so suffocated and wanted it off instantly. I knew that it would be worth it though and tried to bare with it. I very nearly gave up on it. I got upset sitting there on my own and started to cry. People were looking at me but no body said a word to me. You would think seeing a young girl in a room full of old cancer patients someone would want to talk to you. I text Joe asking if he could come round to me. There was no way I was sitting there all by myself. I could not handle it.

Half an hour pasted and the nurse started to inject the chemo into my line. She was surprised I had a PICC line and said I was very lucky to have one. I realised too that I was as if I'd started my treatment up here I wouldn't have got one and having a cannula stuck in your vein every time and feeling the chemo go through them would have been awful.

It didn't take long and I felt the same as I always do, a little nasally from one of the drugs. I didn't have the anti sickness injections that I had in Brighton so was a little worried I was going to suffer more this time... and I did.

The nurses all seemed nice but I wasn't too amused at them joking about having chemo brain. After all I AM suffering with it. Its bad enough what I'm going through as well as having my brain cells killed off making me feel half brain dead! Hardly amusing!

I was glad to get out. It was a freezing cold day! I got home, a hot bath was waiting for me! I got in it and relaxed. The worst bit started and the nausea kicked in. We put on the film Scrooged, a bit of Bill Murray's dry sense of humour helped pass the time. I even managed to eat my dinner. I started to feel a lot worse, to the point where I really thought I was going to be sick. I got restless like I did the time before. Feeling nauseous and not being able to get comfortable is not my idea of fun. This was defiantly worse then the previous two.

I went to bed at about 10 and tried to settle but I couldn't. I didn't care that it was new years eve. It seemed so irrelevant to me, I was bringing the new year in still with the illness so wasn't feeling all joyful for the arrival of 2009. I will feel joyful when the middle of 2009 arrives!

I kept tossing and turning and eventually got to sleep just after midnight.

The next day I still felt sick and restless. We stayed in, I knitted and watched films all day. I'm not too good at being ill and I get bored of doing the same thing. I had sat in front of the TV screen too long. I had completely lost my appetite that day too. I went to bed early and read my book.

I managed to sleep but didn't wake up feeling much better.

I took more anti sickness pills which include steroids. The steroids seem to have an adverse affect on me. The best way to describe it is feeling totally wired! I feel restless and jittery, my heads buzzing (not in a good way) and can not concentrate. I have not felt right now for the last 2 days but am not sure if taking just two steroids can do this too you for so long. I am meant to take two twice daily for three days but those two alone seemed to have done me over... or at least I think its them.

I realised that when I have my TAX chemo I have the same steroids to take, four twice a day for three days. I'll be an absolute mess if I take that many! I'm hoping I can have something else, so I need to talk to my oncologist about that.

Yesterday Joe and I went out for a lovely long walk which helped a little, but no matter what I tried to do or no matter when I started to feel slightly normal again I would seem to go back to feeling very strange. I felt happy that day but was sick of still feeling wired. I had a nice evening, yummy food and some laughs. I felt really tired and was glad hoping I was going to be in for a good nights sleep. No such luck.. I tossed and turned again for most of the night.

I woke up today feeling a little sick still. I felt fairly normal until the end of the day when I started to feel the same as the previous two days. Its weird as I have not taken anymore pills since the morning before. I can't pin point why I feel like this! I really don't like it either.

My eye sight seems to have been slightly affected too. Things far away seem a little blurred. I am not sure why this is at all. I feel like I have so much stuff going though my head I can't deal with it all. There is no way of switching it off! I would do anything to relax right now but nothing seems to be doing the trick.

I was hoping the writing this and getting it all off my chest would help. Ive tried reading, sitting in front of the TV, lying on my bed and closing my eyes... but still nothing! Its like taking a bad pill that's goes on and on for days! Its a little like when I took the anti depressant. I just don't think drugs and I mix well at all.

I felt like I could have run away today. At the moment I feel like I want to go away and forget about having cancer (I may not even have cancer that's the ridiculous thing) just for a little while, to feel free of it all. I also wanted to go out tonight too, get blitzed, feel normal and forget about everything! My mind was saying YES but my body just wasn't in agreement. I know its probably not the most sensible thing to do so soon after chemo but the last few weeks have felt like a life time!

I have plenty of time to party after all this, but I feel its important to also keep my sanity while going through this too. I just have to hang on till my immune system has had a chance to recover before I have a night out.

I am glad Christmas and New years is over. Its a weird time, bringing out the good or bad, depending on whats going on in your life. A time to reflect on the year that has passed and contemplate on what the new year has in store for you. Its a pretty crap time when things aren't so great, so I am very relieved its over.

Its a new year and a new start.. well sort of. My new year will probably begin mid year. August I can imagine most of it to be over with. I'll be turning 30 then too! Defiantly a new chapter in my life.

As for now I will get through this the best I can. I am half way through my chemo but feel like I'm still at the beginning of some more tough times to come. Losing my hair is going to be the next hurdle. There will be high and low moments and getting through the dark patches, I have to remind myself of the light that comes with it too.

An emotional Christmas

2008-12-28T15:57:00.008Z

I had wasted a whole day in bed recovering from the night before, so only had Christmas eve to finishing making my Christmas presents. The district nurse came round early morning to flush my line and I had the rest of the day to do last minute Christmas sewing, wrapping and shopping. I had bought some Cath Kidston fabric and made purses and bags for all the girls and bought stocking fillers to put inside. By the end of it I was sick of sewing zips, but glad to have got them finished and was great spending time being creative even if I did have fights with the sewing machine!

My niece Evie woke up with spots all over her. We all feared it was chicken pox. My other sister Loo and her family were just getting over the flu and we were worried that we might not have been spending Christmas together. We were all a little worried about me catching something off someone. I rang the chemo nurse to see if It was OK to be around everyone. She said it is impossible to totally avoid it and just not get too close. The fact that I'd had my last chemo 3 weeks ago too was better as my immune system would be at a high and I was less likely to get ill. So we didn't have to be spending it apart after all.

My two younger sisters arrived, a little worse for wear from the night before. In the afternoon I got dragged to a Christingle church service. I am spiritual but not religious and believe in the pagan traditions rather then the christian ones. I could go on about what I think of Christianity but had better not as I might offend some people. I am not one to shove my beliefs in peoples faces either. I must admit I do like Christmas carols and was looking forward to it for that reason but I can not say I enjoyed the service too much.

Christmas day... not quite the same when you get older, its more magical when your little and I guess it becomes magical again when you have your own children. I woke up feeling a little down. I had a bath and washed my hair, more and more hair seems to fall out each time I wash it. I made an effort by dressing up but felt too thin and wished I had my long hair back. I do like my short hair cut, but some days I just wish I could feel more feminine. I must of stayed in my bedroom for 2 hours crying. I hate being around people when I feel miserable and would rather get on with it on my own.

Christmas always seems to be a time to reflect on the past year and if its not been a good one then It tends to all come out around this time. I had been doing so well up until then and was annoyed I was feeling this way, but I couldn't seem to snap myself out of it. The tears kept coming and I didn't think I'd be able to stop. It was inevitable that this Christmas wasn't going to be one of the best, but seeing as I had been coping so well I thought it would be OK. Christmas is always mad in our household with there being so many of us and I just wasn't in the mood to be festive. It was also a time for most of us to chill out from working hard but as I am not working at the moment it was not too different for me. It was the first Christmas in years that we were all together and that was the main thing

It was a typical Christmas day, lots of drinking, eating and opening of presents. I got lots and lots of books which I can not wait to read and best of all I got a compact camera. I have never had one as I have an SLR but really needed a compact one to take with me everywhere. It was a great surprise as did not ask for one and really was not expecting it.

I was really tired and had quite an early night. It was probably the first Christmas that I hadn't drank and stuffed myself full of mince pies and chocolate.

Boxing day I woke up feeling exactly the same. I was not feeling well and was suffering from my yeast infection. I got so upset as I just wanted to eat what I felt like and put on weight in the process. I can not eat what certain food as it is making me ill. I guess being thin and not being able to put on weight is most girls idea of heaven but believe me it really isn't. I enjoy eating especially all the indulgent foods. So its torturous not being able to do that. It seems very unfair that I have to suffer with this as well.

I spoke to Joe a lot over Christmas. He rang me throughout the day to make sure I was OK. It was weird not spending it with him when we had originally planned to spend it together.

Dad got the cine films out and we watched some very old footage. My parents wedding day was great to watch. Lots of flares, big floppy hats and platforms. I said that that was probably how my wedding would look to as a lot of my friends dress like that now. I would actually love my wedding day to be filmed with a cine film camera.

We had done a secret santa that wasn't so secret as mum let out the she was mine. Everyone seemed to get good presents, I was more then happy with a pictorial biography of Johnny Depp! I had also got Heath Ledgers biography for Christmas, so was looking forward to a night in with my two favourite men!

We ended the night watching a really old black and white 40's film, The Ghost train, appearing Arther Askey. An absolute classic! We all love the old English accents in it and I also love the way the dressed back then, so elegant and stylish. We have watched it every year since we were kids. A film that you can never tire off.

It was a bitterly cold day on the Saturday. I was dying to get out of the house, and what might have seemed a crazy idea turned out to be successful...... shopping!! I am not normally one for wanting to hit the sale madness but it was an excuse to get out all day. I didn't bother too much with the sales but still managed to get some bargains. The vintage purchases being my favourite as usual! I did rather well and the retail therapy once again worked wonders!

That evening I was going to a friends party. I was trying on my new clothes when the lights went out. We had a power cut, the whole street and gone down too. We lit some candles and tried to get ready in the dimly lit light. The lights eventually came back on much to every one's dismay (apart from me). Everyone seemed to be enjoying the cosy candle lit atmosphere.

My little sister and I headed off to the party. There were three old school friends, two of them which I had not seen since I was 16. My poor little sister wasn't feeling too well and ended up being sick so we left early. We had planned to go to another party but my mum and dad weren't feeling too well either so Liz and I met a couple of old friends in town for a bit.

We went to the Orange tree, a pub that used to be my regular. It had been a long time since I had been there and really enjoyed it. I bumped into more people that I hadn't seen in years. I was enjoying seeing old faces again. I could of easily stayed out all night, drank and then gone onto a club and danced all night. Going there made me realise how much I missed going out and socialising. It was going to be a while until I could do that again though.

We went home early as Liz was still feeling sick and the poor little thing, even though being the only sober one on the street, was throwing up like she had been downing shots of zambuca!

Still buzzing, it took me a while to get to sleep. I woke up feeling a little worse for wear. I was supposed to be photographing my uncles' band today but I didn't think driving for the first time in 2 years was a wise idea. Instead it has been a very lazy day!

Joe is coming up tomorrow evening. I'm hoping it wont be too upsetting seeing him again. I have my chemo on new years eve, something I'm not looking forward too. I will be half way there after this next one, but will be starting on the TAX. That one is worse then the FEC and I think things will only get worse from then. My hair will fall out and I may feel more nauseous and tired. I feel and look like I am not going through a battle with cancer at the moment and the next step will make it feel that more real. The physical aspect of it will be more obvious to people. I do hope I manage to cope as well as I have done already. I am prepared for a lot more low points.

I hope you all have a great new years eve and that the new year brings you peace and happiness. I am hoping 2009 has plenty of good things coming my way. I will be turning 30 next year and have a feeling being in my 30's will be an exciting new chapter for me.

It all seems to be about the C words!

2008-12-22T14:42:00.006Z

I am meant to be sewing the rest of my Christmas presents today but am way too to tired from the party we had last night! I was a good girl and only had three glasses of wine and plenty of water but still have the after effects of a good night.

I have gone from a low to a high in that past three days. I woke up on Friday to a phone call from the hospital telling me that my chemo would be on Christmas eve! Well you can imagine what my reaction to that was.... in the politest possible way I told them they could forget it! Why on earth would I be OK about having chemo on Christmas eve of all days. Im surprised they even do it on that day anyway. I wouldn't think anyone would be having it then. They called me back to tell me that I would have to have it on New years eve instead. Still not great but its better then the previous date. Its unfortunate that my chemo has to be on Wednesdays and those two Eve's land on those days.

At least I will not be tempted to go out. New years eve has always been an anti climax and I only ever seem to have amazing or awful ones. I guess this will be one of the awful ones. It is possible I could have waited another week but I would rather just get it out of the way. Joe will be coming up to spend New years eve with me and a friend has offered to come with me too. I think a night in with some Christmas films will do me fine.

So apart from being a little miffed at the news that morning I also had more bad news. My mum told me that our dog was going to the vets to be put down. He is a very old dog who struggles to do anything and it was hard to know what to do. How do you know when its an animals time to go when they can't help you by telling you. It was decided that it was perhaps his time to go. We were all very upset about the idea and wanted to make sure so we made sure dad asked the vet on his opinion.

All feeling guilty but knowing that this was perhaps the best thing for him we said our goodbyes.
About an hour later dad came home with Blue! We were all relieved that he was still with us and the vet had said there is more life in him yet but he would expect to see him again in a few months.

It had been an emotional day for all. My sister had moved down that so it was a nice distraction from what was going on.

There was something about a lot of C words recently that I wasn't liking. Apart from Christmas and creativity there is Cancer, Chemo and Candida also effecting my life right now. I am still struggling with Candida. Its obviously not as important as the cancer but when it is still effecting me its hard to ignore. Having been on an anti candida diet I have lost a lot of weight. I know I need to put some back on to build my strength up while going through chemo. Putting on weight while on the anti candida diet is virtually impossible to do, so I have been eating things I haven't been able to in the last year. It has to be done carefully though as I will worsen the candida making be ill in other ways.

I must have been over doing it last week because I have really been suffering the last 3 days. It seems so unfair that I can not indulge in all the foods I love the most! I know the chemo also worsens candida as well so I do have to be careful with what I eat. I will have to tackle killing the candida after the chemo. But I must say I AM sick of it right now!!!

I always struggle at the weekends as want to be busy seeing people and socializing. I don't mind being stuck in through the week but when it gets to the weekend I seem to get down. I know it is only temporary and I guess with it being the festive season people are out a lot and it makes you feel like you are missing out. There is plenty time to come to enjoy myself after all this and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It was that time of the month, which I am effected badly by and I was suffering from my yeast infection. I was not having much fun! But there was something to look forward to and that was the Christmas drinks I was having Sunday night. I had only invited a few close girlfriends. My dad decided to take it upon himself to invite all the neighbours round which in fact turned out OK as not all my friends could make it so it livened things up a bit. Not that my small group of friends needs livening up as they are pretty much good at doing that themselves, it was just good to keep the numbers up.

It was a fantastic night! Lots of catching up, drinking and eating, laughs and even guitar hero!!

It is now Tuesday and I am incredibly hungover! It was worth it though as I had a fantastic night out. Its certainly a while since I have had that much fun. The last night I drank that much was on my birthday in August. I feel rough but actually expected to be feeling a lot worse considering I was on the vino rouge. I guess my body thinks its nothing compared to the chemo!

Well this will be my last blog before Christmas so thank you for reading and have a great Yule-tide and New year!

Arrrrrrrgh!!

2008-12-18T19:56:00.004Z

This is not far from how my reaction was yesterday when I tried on a wig. The first one I tried on I absolutely hated and wanted it off immediately. The lady told me to keep it on for a while but I couldn't, It looked ridiculous. She could sense I wasn't happy. It sat on top of my head and was so obviously not real. It reminded me off when I was young and used to dress up, we had this awful wig I'd put on. She brought me more to try but I wasn't being convinced in the slightest. I guess having short hair now and having got used to it now, was quite bizarre to then look at myself with long hair.

I tried on a real hair wig as there was no way I could wear a synthetic one. It felt a lot better but still so hard to tell as they were all cut in certain styles that I didn't like. I'm a fussy bugger and I knew that if I couldn't get what I wanted I wouldn't bother at all. I would probably have to buy a plain one and get it cut into the style I like. Its so hard to tell when you haven't got it the way you want straight away.

They are not cheap either and hoping the NHS will pay quite a bit towards it. I am sure its something that takes a little while to get used to but at the moment I feel like I'd rather go without and wear scarves. Then again Im sure I'll think differently when my hair does go.

I wanted a long and short one but I don't think that's feasible with the prices being quite high. I know that even when I do have my hair back I will still miss having long hair and it would be great to be able to have it again. I do love having short hair but head banging when your at a rock night doesn't quite have the same effect!

I still haven't found out when my next chemo date is so going to have to do some chasing. With Christmas coming up its something that needs sorting quite urgently.

I finally had a creative day today and started making some Christmas presents. I had a few battles with the sewing machine, with thread and pins everywhere I got there in the end! The more things I made the better they were so it will have to be a toss up as to who gets my first shoddy creation!

My older sis Katie, brother in law and two nieces are moving down tomorrow. It'll be great having them around. Evie and Alice always put a smile on your face!

A 'C' word I do like..

2008-12-16T00:33:00.009Z

Creativity!
I need to start being creative again. I had to give up my dressmaking course in Brighton and was due to start a pattern cutting course in January. It seems so unfair that having cancer has stopped me from doing that. I did start on the last term of a dressmaking course in Leicester when I got back from traveling. I loved it! Apart from my photography I stopped being creative which is criminal if you have talent. Not that I thought I was particularly amazing at anything. I never had the confidence to pursue anything creative I did because I didn't think any of it was good enough. Its awful not believing in yourself. It helps having support and encouragement which I never had much of. School and college wanted me to push my academic subjects. It infuriates me why they don't push you at what your good at and not what your not good at.There are enough academics in the world. The world need creative people too otherwise we would be living in an extremely boring and dull place.

We wouldn't have music to dance to, art to admire, exciting fashion to wear, books to read, films to watch.... need I go on! I'm very disappointed in myself for not ignoring all those who told me to take more academic subjects to keep my options open. What options? What, just in case I want to be a doctor or a lawyer? Yeah right! Because I certainly didn't need A levels to work in a call centre or an office. Was it just the schools and college I went to or is it like that everywhere? I find it shocking that your not pushed at what you excel at. Doesn't it make sense?

I'm a typical struggling creative type, but I don't exactly help myself either. I need a kick up the arse, motivation, encouragement and support. I don't want to use that and school as an excuse anymore though as now its up to me to sort myself out. I hope that when I've gone through this experience that I will have gained some confidence, self esteem and be able to do it all by myself.

I have always been interested in fashion. At a young age apparently I was perfectionist as young as 5! I colour coordinated everything and if my socks didn't match I would go mad. Can't say I'm still like that though!

I used to love going to fancy dress parties so I could design and make my own costumes. That way it didn't matter if my outfit looked outrageous or badly made. I could look as ridiculous as I wanted and no body cared. I remember at high school we had a couple of bin liner fashions shows. We had to design, make, and model our creations. I loved it! I won the first one and came second in the other.

I never wanted to really do a fashion design degree. For one I didn't think I would be good enough and I also hated the superficial and lovey world that went with it. I knew if I was to become a designer I wouldn't want to be designing for today's fashion trends. Ive never followed fashion, I like what I like and I couldn't give a damn if its last season or not. It just so happens that the vintage fashion is very cool and all the decades as far back as the 30's all come back into fashion at some point or other. So I'm sure I do look like I follow trends at some point.

Its great knowing if I cant get my vintage fix that I can turn to the high street store and pick up a cheap imitation throw away dress to keep me going.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I need to start being creative again before my soul starts slowly deteriorating. I need to start painting and drawing again. Ive not done anything really since college and that's because my art teacher put me off. None of us really liked her. I think she was a bitter person. Probably because she didn't make it as an artist so became a teacher and made art students life a misery instead. Its funny how I pursued photography though, my teacher was lovely and always praised me and told me I was good enough to take it further.

Even though I loved fashion I didn't liked taking photos of the material world. I preferred photographing the natural world. I have two sides to me a bit like a yin and yang, a good balance. I love the calmness and beauty of the natural world but also love the exciting and glamorous fashion world. I like to incorporate the two in fact. Bringing nature into fashion and fashion into nature.

I modeled on and off for a few years but never particularly enjoyed it. I found fashions shows nerve racking but incredibly exciting. The photo shoots I did not enjoy so much. I only ever did it because I was told I could. I wanted to give it a go as the glamour and money appealed to me at the time but I never seemed to get on with it. The only time I did was when I was modeling for a friend or a doing shoot in the outdoors. Modeling vintage clothes in the outdoors... now that's when I'm in my element and can model well because I am being me. I was never any good at pretending to be anything else, even if I did struggle being myself. I guess that's why I was quiet. It was easier then trying to be something else I wasn't.

One day I would love my own boutique. Not an easy thing to do especially at the moment with the recession going on. I wouldn't do it for the money or want to be a famous designer. I'd be more then content, being creative and selling my designs to people who loved them. The feeling of seeing someone try on and love something you created would be so satisfying and make me more then happy. I've thought about having an online shop as it is cheaper having no over heads but it seems so impersonal. I like to meet people, help them one to one. I like the tactile nature of having your own boutique. Seeing someone really pleased and feel good about themselves in a new outfit that you have created is what I want.

If I was to own my own boutique I certainly wouldn't be one of these snooty owners either. There is one shop I love as it is full of vintage treasures. I love their stuff but not their staff. I say staff but its pretty much the owner. She makes you feel like you've been dragged in off the streets with no money to spend. I hate how people judge you on your appearance. Even if I had lots of money I would still dress the same. I would just have a wardrobe so huge I could dress and thousand theatre productions. I certainly wont buy there, its over priced anyway.

Anyway I'm digressing again. The good thing about this time right now is that I HAVE time! Its hard to do what you really want to do if you've got to work in a soul destroying job just to get by. You lose your will and your confidence, your not inspired by anything, It can be hard to push yourself especially if your anything your like me!

I don't have to do a job I hate right now and I have time to inspire myself. I can be creative again. After all I was not put on this planet to waste what talent I was given.

I am going to get back on the dressmaking course in Leicester. I'm certainly not going to let this disease take over and stop me from doing the things I love.

Under the weather..

2008-12-15T18:41:00.004Z

I was hoping I would be feeling OK by now.... no such luck. I feel like I'm coming down with something but determined not to get ill. The last thing I want is to get an infection and a temperature, otherwise I might have to go into hospital. I hear the Flu is going round so I need to sort out getting the flu jab. I've still not heard about whether I can have my next chemo up here, so that's another thing I have to chase up! The last think I want to do is to go back to Brighton for it.

I have just spoken to a lovely lady who suffers from alopecia. She told me that the NHS in Leicester are great for helping you sort out a wig. Apparently very convincing too. Trendco I hear are the best to purchase a wig from. Strangely enough there was an article in a Sunday supplement about wigs, saying how fashionable they are now.

A lovely lady I met over myspace is starting to write blogs about her Kidney failure. She is having a kidney transplant on Wednesday, so I wish her the very best and hope it goes well. If you are interested in reading about her experience do have a look. I am following her blog, so you can find it via my profile.

Home sweet home

2008-12-13T14:48:00.005Z

There is nothing like being home with your mum. Home cooking, morning tea in bed, having your washing done, no housework and best of all the company of your loving and crazy mum! I have a beautiful bedroom too which have filled with all my vintage clothes, fabric and sewing bits.

I had my last injection today and the nurse left her mark with a painful jab. I have been a lot better this week with the injections that I have for 5 days on the 5th day after chemo. When I first had them they made me feel very ill, headaches and bone ache. I did not seem to suffer badly this time, apart from the odd morning headache but my body must be getting used to them.

My arm however has been a bit of a mess. I seem to be allergic to everything they use, even the PICC line. The line and plasters have left me very red, bumpy and itchy. I looked like I had 3rd degree burns the other day. The nurse realized my arm needed some air to heal so stopped using the plasters. My arm is less itchy but looks like it is now scaring. The nurse bless her said it looks like she has done a Heath Robinson job as it does look like I have been in the wars! I'm just glad it is winter so I am able to cover it up.

I have had a very relaxing week, getting over the chemo and injections. The house is slowly looking more festive. I love Christmas at my parents house. My mum does a fantastic job at making the house look cosy and Christmasy.

Next week should be fairly busy, making my presents and helping wrapping my mums presents for our huge family. I'm hoping to buy a wig next week which I'm quite excited about.

My hair is still falling out and I'm trying to only wash it once a week. I washed it this morning in the bath and there was a lot of hair left in the tub. Its not so bad being shorter though. When it thins out too much I'll shave the lot off! Everyone loves my hair. My dad said I looked better with short hair too, but he did say that I looked even more like him now! He said it was a compliment. What?, looking like your 60 year old dad..... I don't think so!

Its good to be home but I do miss the bustle of Brighton, Joe and all my friends down there. I've been feeling a little tearful today. I do really miss Joe. I will probably see him over Christmas which will be great but probably very hard and painful again.

Winter is apon us.....

2008-12-08T12:22:00.005Z

.... because the starlings are flocking. Saturday afternoon we went down to the burnt down pier and watched the starlings flock. It is the most dazzling natural display I think there is to see. A huge murmuration of starlings gather together and put on THE most amazing spectacle of shapes before thousands of them tunnel down on to the pier to roost. If you can find out where you can see this in your area DO check it out! Its beautiful to watch these birds in dusk forming shapes and light in such an eloquent fashion.

The last week has been very emotional. I went back to the flat last Wednesday night because my district nurse was coming over the next morning to flush my PICC line. I knew it was going to be painful seeing Joe after the turbulent weekend we'd had together. That evening was extremely emotional to say the least. It was hard not to act like we were a couple again. Naturally we did. There were a lot of tears that evening. We knew we were doing the right thing for both of us but It didn't mean it made it any easier. We had a good chat about every thing and I was so pleased that we agreed on the reasons for going our separate ways. I think its great that we both recognised that there was a problem, instead of battling on and ending up hating each other. We are the best est of friends and know each other so well that I'm sure we can stay friends. Who knows what the future holds!

I woke up extremely tired and puffy eyed. The nurse came round and flushed my line and changed my dressing. My arm was defiantly reacting to the dressings and had gone very red and lumpy. For the res oft the day I chilled out. Joe took me back to Katie's flat that evening. My friend gave me a call to see if I wanted to see her boyfriend in his band. I felt very tired and was not particularly in the mood but wanted to take every opportunity I could to go out so I had a glass of wine to perk me up. It did the trick!

Walking through Kemp town which is the gay area of Brighton I was getting a lot of looks from passers by. Hoping they were stares of attraction I was flattered, but started to get worried when gay men were looking at me. I turned to Katie and said 'God I hope they are not mistaking me for a young pretty boy!' Haha!

It was a lovely evening and had a couple more white wines. I did not feel drunk, (those who know me know I'm a hardcore drinker, hehe) but boy did I have a cracking headache the next morning. Not such a good thing when you've chemo that day. So in effect I was hungover and feeling shit before the chemo had even started and had a hangover for 4 days! I won't be doing that again.

My friend Plum took me down to the hospital and stopped with me for a while. It was SO brave of her to come with me as she is a very squeamish person. I am very grateful for her coming. I'm going to be brief about the next bit because its already making me feel sick thinking about it!! I had the sweetest male nurse who funnily enough is from Leicestershire! Leicester folk are every where, you cant escape em!

He was adorable and really made my session as comfortable as possible. The chemo hit me stronger this time as it had gone through my line which hit my chest straight away. I instantly felt queasy. The nurse sensed it straight away and asked if I was OK which was lovely as I'm the sort of person that just wouldn't say anything. He gave me a new anti sickness which had only been available 2 months previous.

The nurse also changed my dressing again as my arm was really reacting to all the plastic and sticky stuff. This was Plums queue to leave! She did very well to stay with me for as long as she did. Joe was with me for the rest of the session and took me home. As usual I started to feel very sick but seemed to be more restless this time and couldn't get comfortable. It wasn't a pleasant night.

The next day I got up and met Katie. There was a vintage day on at the local Oxfam. Wild horses wouldn't stop me from going to a vintage day. Unfortunately the dealers had got there early and were nabbing the best stuff. I did manage to find a few bargains, my favourite being an original 70's Black Sabbath baseball top, it rocks!! We went for a tea and pancakes and Ethel's kitchen, my favourite tea rooms. I even managed to head into town to get a few bits for Christmas.

I might of over done it slightly but I felt it was better being out, distracting myself from feeling crap. That evening Joe and I headed over to Hastings to see his folks. I had not seen them for a while. It was good to see them, the cats and the dogs! Joe's folks have been so good to me. Its been like having a second set of parents. I woke up the next morning feeling depressed, I figured this was how it was going to be each time after the chemo. Its not nice to feel so down but at least I can recognise why I am and can snap out of it.

That evening we headed back home. One of my favorite childhood films was on that night, Home Alone. We were too late getting back and missed it so we spent nearly an hour going round all the DVD shops in Brighton trying to find it. Bless Joe, he really wanted to find it for me and he ended up buying the 4 disc box set. We had a cosy night in watching Home alone and drank some mulled wine. Every thing felt so lovely and perfect. This made me feel sad. It was great that our last night together was ending on high but I felt sad that this was the end.

The next morning I woke up with an excruciating headache (probably the mulled wine, I'll never learn). Joe didn't go to work and he looked after me by getting me cold wet flannels to put on my head. I felt rotten and knew leaving was going to be difficult and emotional. I sorted my stuff out and my dad came down to take me up to Leicester. I hate goodbyes and did not want to drag it out so made it as quick an easy as possible. I was not sad about leaving the flat which I was really glad about. I think there are too many associations with the cancer and the flat now so I didn't get attached to it luckily. Although I am a bit of a gypo anyway so moving about is nothing new to me.

The journey felt long and tiring. I was still feeling a little sick, I just wanted to be home. We arrived and It felt so good to walk in to a warm friendly home and see my mum!

The other dreaded 'C' word

2008-12-08T12:21:00.004Z

This photo was taken in New Zealand. Joe made me climb up this huge mountain with him. I'm not scared of heights but doubted my ability to climb it and was a little scared. It seemed a long way up but I eventually got there. At the top I was very scared as it was very steep, and I was frightened about falling. I know coming down was going to be just as scary. I climbed down, slightly fearful not knowing if I was going to fall. I didn't, I got back down safely. It felt good to be down. I'd achieved something I was not sure I was capable off as well as being fearful.... but I did it!

This is a bit how battling cancer feels. Its a bit scary and you do not know what to expect but you know you will get through it the other side, feeling very good about yourself, proud of how you coped and what you have achieved.

Apart from cancer the other dreaded C word has to be chemotherapy. The word chemo to me as to probably many people has bad connotations attached to it.

I will never forget a film I watched years ago about a woman that was terminally ill with cancer. There were scenes of her having chemo. She was in a dark depressing room, playing classical music.The director had done a good job to make the scene as atmospherically bleak as possible. She was given her chemo and would then be quiet violently sick. I have no idea what film it was and can not remember any other scenes from the film but the scenes of her having chemo always stuck with me. I assumed this is what it was like. I guess it would have been like this many years ago too. Luckily things develop so often that chemo is a lot easier for many people.

It was THE part I really was dreading. It was all so unknown to how I was going to feel after each one, which makes the anticipation even worse. Know one could tell me how I was going to feel. I was told that it is such an individual reaction that you could only wait and see. There was not much point talking to people who had had chemo before or looking up all the awful side effects as there was a chance you would react completely different. Naturally at first I did ask people and I did look up the side effects of chemo, of which all are very unpleasant but it does not mean you are going to get them all.

I was told I could either find chemo a breeze, suffer terribly or react like most people which is in between both extremes. I spoke to some women who said they felt OK on the day of chemo and were ill for a week after or did not react until a quite a few days later. I was not to know how I was going to be which made my decision as to whether to stay in Brighton or go back home to my parents even harder.

I knew going home to my parents would be a better option for me having more care but I felt like I wanted to go through the next treatment with Joe. I was so torn and could not get any advice to help me make my decision any easier. I loved being in Brighton and had always hated Leicester, the pros and cons seemed so equally split. After much deliberation I decided in the end to stay in Brighton. I arranged to have my chemo on a Friday, Joe would have the Friday off and we would have the weekend together. If I was still ill I my mum could then come down and look after me. This seemed a good idea.

Before I started chemo I was a little worried about how I was going to keep my spirits up. I had spoken to a couple of people who went on anti depressants which helped them by taking the edge of things. I have always been against anti depressants but when I saw my doctor she was very convincing in telling me that they would be a great idea. She told me she was a fan of them and did not see the harm on going on them. She told me she thought I should go on them and to start before the chemo. I was still so unsure but took the prescription anyway and tool one that evening.

Well I have to say that was one of the worst evenings I'd had in a long time. I could not sleep, I felt anxious, and went so deep under in depression it was too much to bare. It was like taking a really bad ecstasy pill or having a very bad come down off one. I did not know what to do. There was not much I could do. I got up and rang my friend and we spoke for an hour to try and take my mind off how terrible I was feeling. I eventually went to bed and managed to get to sleep. I woke up in the morning feeling no different. I had to get Joe to come home from work to be with me. It eventually passed.

The only good thing that came out of that experience was that I realised I really did not need anti depressants to get through the next stage. I had got through the surgery without them for a start. I was annoyed I had even doubted my own strength. After all I had got this far in life without them so why would I need to start needing them now! I get annoyed when doctors fob you off with anti depressants. I am sure they are good and help some people at certain times in their life's but I think a lot of people doubt their own strength. I do not think you should suppress your feelings completely, they are there for a reason. How are we suppose to experience light with out darkness in our life's too.

My first chemo session arrived. I was prepared as much as I could be. Everyone who works on the chemo ward make you feel so at ease and comfortable. Its nothing like you expect either. I sat down in a big chair and the nurse went through absolutely everything. To start of with I had the cold cap. Its a big ugly plastic frozen cap attached to a machine that keeps it frozen. Another thing is also put on top (which is bright pink, not my colour at all) this feels like you've got a riding hat on. This is to make sure the cap is tight and is touching your scalp. At first its freezing!! Your head goes numb after a while and you forget you've got it on, except if your boyfriends taking photos of you and laughing at your expense! I did not get an 'ice cream headache' which I told I might experience.

I would recommend anyone who is going to have chemo to give the cold cap a go. You have got nothing to lose! Apart from your hair of course, if your unlucky. I know I will eventually lose my hair when I'm on my second lot of chemo but I thought it would be nice to try and keep it for Christmas! I was told to cut my hair shoulder length before the cold cap too, which I very begrudgingly did. The only down side to the chemo is that your in there for longer. You have to have the cap on for an hour before and after.

So as I did not yet have the PICC line in I had to have a needle so they could inject the chemo. As usual my veins ran away and it was a struggle to get the cannula in. The nurse finally got it and she started to inject the chemo. It was not nice I must admit. It irritated my veins, feeling prickly and itchy, It felt very invasive. This made it all seem so real and I started to cry. It does not take long and they then start giving you anti sickness injections, of which one makes your nose tickle and for a second you feel like you've sat on a hair brush. Ouch!

I was glad when it was all over, we waited an hour for the cold cap to come off. When the nurse attempted to take it off it nearly ripped my hair out, kinda defeats the object! So I had to wait for it to thaw out.

It was not until I got home that I started to feel sick. I was stocked up with plenty of anti sickness tablets. Joe got the sofa bed out and we laid in the front room watching DVDs. Feeling nauseous IS the worst part. The only way I can describe it is like having the worst hangover you have ever had only without the great night out you had before. My anti sickness tablets include steroids which unfortunately causes insomnia with me. Not exactly what you need when your feeling sick.

I woke up the next day feeling better but took it easy and stayed in. The next morning I woke up with a blanket of depression hanging over me. This I could not deal with. I recognised it straight away and rang a friend and met her in town. This did the trick. I needed to snap out of it quick rather then wallowing in it. You can not let it take over, it is SO important to keep your spirits up as much as possible or the whole thing can bring you crumbling down.

On the Monday I was still not myself. I was glad I was not as bad as the day of the chemo but could not seem to relax. I woke up depressed again. It probably did not help being on my own. I could not eat either and knew I needed too. Trying to force yourself to eat when you feel sick is just awful. A good tip I found out was to distract yourself when eating, something your not meant to do to stop you from overeating. I felt so weak and sick and there did not seem like I could do anything about it. I knew I needed someone to be around to help. Just the thought of making myself something to eat seemed like such an effort.

I decided I needed to go home and be around people and to have someone (ie my mum) to look after me. The next day I waited for the district nurse to come round before catching a train home. The nurse had to come round to give me an injection which I have for 5 days. The injections are for your bone marrow and to boost your white blood cells.

After she had gone I went to catch a train home. Just my luck.... all the trains to London were cancelled because of some signal faults. What is wrong with this country, the slightest thing goes wrong and everything turns to pandemonium! I waited a while for the next available train during this time I got a really bad headache. I knew this was one of the side effects from the injections.

The train journey was a long hard ride back home. My head was pounding! I eventually got home and feeling like utter crap. By the end of the night my bones started to ache. The nurse told me I might feel fluy but I thought there was no way I could cope with this after my chemo for 5 days. I tried to find out more about the injections. Most people did not seem to react quiet as badly as me. I think I am just unlucky or maybe my body was in shock from another new drug. I was sick of taking more drugs from the side effects of other drugs. It seemed never ending!

I was too scared to take the injection the next day as I had woken up in the middle of the night, my head feeling like It was going to explode! I realised that these injections were incredibly important and was worth going through some pain if it was to stop be ending up in hospital with an infection.

I took the rest and each day was different. My dad gave me the rest of the injections. What a lovely wake up call, your dad stabbing you in the leg!! My mum went outside so she could not hear the screams. I was impressed that he had not hurt me the first time... it went down hill from there though.

Each day was different, one day I got a headache the next my bones ached. I got up from sitting down my hips were stiff and achy... I think I now know whats its like to be 80 years old!

This is the first blog that is has been quiet hard to write. The chemo is not over and I still dread every one even though its not as bad as I thought It was going to be. So far I am very lucky with how I am feel after each one. It has not been anywhere near as bad as I thought I was going to feel. I DO hate the nausea and find that hard to deal with but knew I would defiantly experience that part. I feel nauseous thinking about feeling nauseous. I have been told that each chemo session I could feel differently and that the second lot of chemo is going to be tougher.

Two down and four to go though, nearly half way feels good.

Post Op

2008-12-04T13:21:00.004Z

It seems like its been ages since I came out of hospital, 7 weeks in fact. I stopped writing in my diary so do not remember an awful lot.

It felt great to be home again and to be in my own environment again! I slept like a baby and enjoyed no interruptions. Joe's cooking was great compared to the hospital food. In fact his cooking is very good anyway, one of the things I love about him. I would say the way to my heart is defiantly through my stomach!

The only down fall about being home alone though was all the time I had on my hands. I ended up looking up all sorts of things to do with the treatment I was going to be having. I would get myself into a frenzy about it. Looking at all treatments all at once seemed too much to bare too! You really do have to take each step as it comes and to try and not look things up on the Internet or you can never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

A few days later I found a little lump underneath my wound and totally freaked out. I thought it may have been the port from my expander. I went to see a doctor and he said it was probably a pocket of fluid. It did disappear after a few days so was very relieved. Its quite scary coming out of hospital and not knowing whether some things are normal or not.

I did not like wearing the elastic support band as it was quite uncomfortable and did not wear it all the time at first. When I looked on the breast care website and read that some peoples expanders had moved about, even into their armpit I made sure I wore it.

My mum and sister came down for a few days which was lovely and kept me occupied. We went for my Post op appointment and all was to be expected really. The doctor confirmed the size of the tumour and that the cancer had spread to the 2nd tier of lymph nodes. I would defiantly need the rest of the treatment that they had already suggested.

I did have a huge lump under my arm where the fluid was building up which is called a seroma. This was very normal and had it drained. It was a goo job I couldn't feel a thing because the size of the needle was like I have never seen before! I'm sure my mum was sitting the other side of the curtain worrying! I was quite surprised when she said she wanted to have a look at my wound. I happily showed her and I think she was surprised at how good it looked too.

I had to start to doing physio twice a week as I could not raise my arm fully. It was hard and frustrating at first but got easier. I still have got full use of my arm but it is a lot better.

I went to see the plastic surgeon in East Grinsted and he was very pleased with the results. I had my seroma drained. It felt great not having a lump under my arm. I was really pleased to hear that I did not have to wear the elastic support band too as it added to the pain. Its great they get you to wear it as it keeps the expander in place while breast tissue is growing around it.

Joe and I went to the Hastings bonfire night which is 2 weeks before Guy Fawkes night as it is more of a pagan tradition. I was very nervous about being out and about in the crowds so we went up on the hill and watched the fireworks from there. My wound still hurt especially when I walked so walking up the hill was really uncomfortable. I was worried that I was over doing it.

I love animals and hear that they are good to help a fast recovery. I love going to Joe's parents house to see their cats and dogs. Mims and Mitzy are my favourite. Mims is a whippet cross who is so funny because she has a brain the size of a pea! Mitzy loves me which is apparently odd as she only loves Joe's mum. Nell the other dog is very sensitive to whats going on her around her and Ginge the other cat is the handsome one of the bunch.

I went back to Leicester for a bit. Everyone I saw could not believe how well I was doing. I was coping so well and after the pain had gone the surgery was not bothering me one bit. I surprised myself at haw well I was coping. I was ready to be a mess and to have to see a councilor about it. I thought I would not want Joe to see me or come near me but that was not the case either. It helped that the surgeons had done such a good job but I also realised that there was no need to be insecure. After all I had not changed as a person, I was still me with or without my breast.

I tried to enjoy the rest of the time I had before my chemo. I knew that this part was probably going to be the toughest!

Mia Farrow eat your heart out!

2008-12-03T19:04:00.005Z

Well firstly I feel GREAT! I luuuuuuurve my new hair do! Its given me some new found confidence strangely enough. I wish I'd had it done ages ago. I have had short hair before but no way near as good as this one. My friend and hairdresser Jenny Chase is the most talented girl I know.

Jen came down from London last night after work. We were both quite nervous about doing it and were nearly in tears. I was still at my friends and was tired and feeling tearful anyway. I knew I what I wanted but I did not have any photos to show Jen. I just told her to do a 60's pixie crop.

I tugged on my hair just to make sure it was really falling out still. It seemed like it was only falling out at the back. This is probably where the cold cap was not reaching my scalp.

We went for it... it seemed to take a long time but I knew Jen was doing a very good job. She told me she loved it and that she would not do this hair cut on anyone else. I was nervous about what it was going to look like. I had every confidence in her to do a great job, I just did not feel ready to go short again.

She finished and I went into the other room to show Katie and looked in the mirror. My instant reaction was "Wow, I love it!!!!" Jen has done an amazing job, especially as she had no photo to go on. It was exactly what I wanted. It was like she had got into my head and seen the image I had in my mind.

Jen...... you rock and are the most amazing hairdresser as well as friend. I love you to pieces!!!!!

When it rains it F ing pours!

2008-12-02T13:43:00.003Z

Well I think the title of this post says it all really. The last three days have been the most distressing since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd had a lovely night out on the Friday with my friends. Joe and I went back home fairly early and started to talk. This ended up in a huge argument which carried on the next day. Both being fire signs, we threw fire balls at each other and said a lot of hurtful things. It ended up with us splitting up. We have done this many times before but always got back together. Unfortunately this time its for the best, for now anyway at least.

I can not go into details obviously, but one of the reasons for our split this cliche sums up quite well, "You can not love any one else until you learn to love yourself." No argument is pleasant but this one was particularly horrible. You can not just switch your feelings off either. It was not exactly good timing but for the moment its for the best. I will be having the rest of my treatment up in Leicester which I had actually already decided to do before we finished.

It is so important to keep your spirits up and to have plenty of people around you. It will be bliss not to have to worry about any housework too! Getting a cup of tea in bed in the morning pretty good also! I get too lonely at home as Joe works long and hard hours to keep us living in the flat we are in. I felt like this was an unnecessary financial strain for him to be under so we had decided to give up the flat anyway.

No relationship at the age we are at should have to go though what Joe and I are going through and I think its harder when your not totally settled from traveling, and still in debt from it as well as uni makes it even tougher. I can imagine if your married with kids and have a stable life things would be slightly easier. I guess only slightly though as I could not imagine having children to look after too, but at least its something to focus on and keeps your life feel fairly normal.

My life has been far from normal and wasn't normal when I was diagnosed as had not long got back from traveling, moved to a new city and had only just started a temping job. So when my McMillan nurse advised me to stay down here to keep my life as normal as possible, I thought that was quite funny!

So... I have been staying at my modette friend Katie's flat in Kemp town. She is a great person to be around as she is mad as a march hare! She also has the coolist 60's pad, so I feel right at home there!! I also have some very good friends, Plum-alishous and Loo Loo the elven princess living up the road who are doubly as mad. So as you can see I am being looked after by some great people.

Sunday night I was finding it hard to sleep. My arm with my PICC line in started to itch. I am an itchy sort of person anyway, particularly when I'm stressed. My PICC line is covered in sticky plastic so is bound to get a bit hot and irritable too. I was up till 4 in the morning on the bathroom floor crying and scratching my arm. I started to peel away the plastic and wanted to rip the whole thing off as it was pissing me off that much. Its another constant reminder of what I'm going through and do hate having it at the moment but Im sure I'll get used to it like I have my tempoary breast. I know it is worth it to save my veins too.

The next day I saw that my PICC line was bleeding quite a bit and because I had peeled off a lot of the plastic it was starting to leak so knew I had to go to the hospital to get it sorted. Luckily the hospital is up the road.

I went for a shower and washed my hair. What I had been dreading the most started to happen..... I was starting to lose my hair. It was so distressing, every time I put my hands threw my hair to wash the shampoo out little clumps of hair were falling out.

It is bad timing for this to start happening. I was on my own, just split from my boyfriend and my PICC line was bleeding. It could not of got any worse. I did not even wash all the shampoo out as I just could not take seeing my hair come out with such ease into my hands. I rang my friend in tears and she rushed down.

I knew this was going to happen at some point but I really do not think you can be mentally prepared for this. I think it is just as much as a shock as if you did not know it was going to happen. I knew the day would come but did not think it would happen so soon, especially as I used the cold cap. I'm sure the stress from the weekend would not have helped though. Losing your hair I feel is the worst part of this whole experience. Strangely even more so then losing your breast as it is more visible to others.

My friend Plum came over and we went off to the hospital and I got my PICC line sorted. We then went and had a cup of tea and put the world to rights!

I was so exhausted and chilled out in front of the TV on my own last night. Joe and I spoke and it seems like we can continue being friends. He said he still wants to be there for me through this as much as he can be. It feels a lot better now we are talking and not shouting at each other. Despite moving back to Leicester I do not want to lose touch with Brighton at all and will come down regularly when I feel up to. I will miss Joe and my barking mad girlfriends!

Jen is coming down from London tonight to cut my hair very short. I have always loved Mia Farrow so this is the look I am going to go for! I could not bring myself to wash my hair this morning. I woke up with lots of hair on my pillow and I only have to touch my head and have lots of hair in my hands. I have put a scarf on my head today. I have actually never worn one on my head before.

I spoke to my McMillan nurse this morning. I told her what was going on. She said she always wonders what I'm going to say as every time I call as things always seem to change. I told her that is this story of my life and that I could write a book. I also said to her "Well when it rains it f***ing pours!" She laughed and said "I'm going to use that expression but without the f word perhaps."

*******While I have been sitting in the cafe writing this blog I could not help but over hear some people sitting near to me talking about McMillan nurses and being in hospital. I had to say something as it appeared this young girl was going through something similar to me. I was right, this beautiful girl had been diagnosed with cancer and had been in hospital for a hysterectomy at the very young age of 24. She felt the same way as me about not having enough support for our age group. I gave her my link to my blog which I hope she finds helpful. She is finding out whether she has to have chemo tomorrow...... so Good luck Catherine! (sorry if I have spelt your name wrong)**********

Another thing about losing my hair.....

2008-11-28T12:19:00.007Z

I forgot to put this in my last blog. I have heard so many friends tell me about other people losing there hair. Their hair has grown back thicker, stronger, a different colour and in a lot of cases even curly! I hear this is called the 'chemo curl'.

Well I can tell you now that it is SO worth losing my hair if it grows back wavy. I have always wanted wavy hair. A different colour would be good too! I have dyed my hair since I was 15. It started off with the dreaded Sun In spray which turned my hair orange. I have natural brown hair but a rubbish in between shade of brown. I like dramatic colours, so red, dark brown or blonde would do me just fine!

I heard this lovely story from a girl who has been ringing me through the breast care website. She had heard that this old man in his 70's or 80's lost his hair from chemo. When it grew back it was his original colour before he went grey which was ginger. How lovely is that!!

I have always loved and been jealous of my partners hair. I nickname him shirley as he has gorgeous blonde girls! I am going to visualize myself having wavy hair and see what happens!

Hair cut!

2008-11-27T22:37:00.005Z

I had short hair from the age of 16 up until a year ago. I always loved to experiment with my hair. I was a snip happy hairdressers dream! I have had my hair cut in a pixie cut before so It won't be too much of a shock when I have to cut it really short.

It IS slightly a kick in the teeth though when I had only just grown it really long to be losing it now. It has not been that long since I was 15. I always found long hair boring when I was younger but when I grew it back I loved it!!

I have had my hair cut by the wonderful Jenny Chase. Its shoulder length, she did a fab job but was not over the moon about it as it was not through choice. I thought it would be hard work with having the chemo so decided not to have a fringe put in but after a few days having a normal hair cut that didn't say anything about me was annoying me so decided to cut my fringe back in. Did a slightly bad job of it but it does make me feel more me again.

Its silly moaning about a normal hair cut as I will soon have no hair what so ever. But while I've got it it has to be perfect.

I'm having the cold cap which freezes you hair follicles when having chemo. It will help save my hair for now but when I have my second lot of chemo my hair will fall out. I know its going to be a huge thing to deal with. I think shaving my hair off will be quite a distressing moment. I know its only hair and it WILL grown back but its a pretty big thing to go through I think.

It will certainly be an experience to have no hair. I think in the long run it will actually do my confidence the world of good. If I can go out in public with no hair, (it'll take a while to pluck up the courage but I'm going to do it) then what will I be like when it grows back? It'll feel fantastic!!!

My beautiful little sister, Liz has always had long hair. She is being brave and having her hair cut quiet short. She wanted a dramatic change anyway but thought it would be a nice thing to do for me too. Well Liz... you are actually the last person I thought would do that so thank you SO much! Don't chicken out! You know you'll look gorgeous too! You will be another little miss pixie!

Joe is also going to shave his hair off when I have to. He has beautiful goldie locks so I will miss them too! I'm sure there will be tears and laughter!!!

Not such a good day, but my bargain find cheered me up!

2008-11-27T18:13:00.004Z

I was not really sure whether to be a little scared or not about today. I must say though I AM sick of being prodded and poked, so was not exactly ecstatic about having a line shoved up my vein and into my chest.

The PICC line is to make it easier for me to have my chemo and blood tests. It can get infected which is the down side but generally if its flushed out every week and you cover it up in the shower it should be fine.

I had some local anesthetic cream put on my invisible veins and went off for an hour.

Back at the hospital and the nurse started the preparation. My arm was numb.. ish, but I could still feel enough to not find the experience very pleasant. I would like to just say.. I have no pain thresh hold and get woozy very easily. It might be a piece of cake for some people, so if any one reading this has one of these done remember it might be better for you.

It took three attempts to put the cannula in. I was getting impatient as it was hurting . Joe sat behind my head while I was lying there. He was great, trying to distract me by talking to me and holding my arm so that I could dig my finger nails into his arm. Finally she managed to get the cannula in. I was not really sure what she was doing next as I was not looking. I thought she was putting the PICC line up as I felt something go up my vein. She said I would not feel a thing so was worried. It in fact was a wire to help push the line up. I did not like this one bit and this is what started to make me feel woozy.

I really thought I was going to pass out but I managed not to some how. I would be so embarrassed more then anything if I had! The worst was over and she pushed the line up. While this was happening Joe had noticed my chest and said "Jesus look at the size of your tit!" We all laughed, it did look huge when I was lying down but it actually is not big at all. It was obviously the first time he had really noticed it.

I had to go to X-ray to check the line had been placed correctly. It had not, much to my dismay. I just kept thinking there was NO way I was going through that again. I looked at the X-ray, it had looped round right at the top of my chest. The nurse said without having to pull it all out she could pull it out a little and It should JUST be OK. So she started pulling it out. Not handling the pain very well, it brought tears to my eyes.

Once again I had to go for an X-ray. Praying it was going to be OK this time. The X-ray nurse went off to check it. She came back with an expression I was not sure how to take and said to go back to the cancer department. I thought that was a bad sign and was expecting the worst. There really was NO way I could do this again.

After a little wait the chemo nurse came and told me it was OK, but JUST. Phew!!! I was so relieved. A simple procedure turned out to be one of the worst things I had experience so far. However It will be worth it as it means no more needles for the blood tests, chemo and antibiotics. She dressed my arm and I got up. My arm still very sore and still feeling light headed.

We were both happy to get out of there. It had been a horrible 5 hours. I really do not want to scare anyone that might have this done. Like I said I am an absolute wimp with a very low pain threshold. For example I used to faint when ever I hit my knee on something. I mean COME ON! My family used to find this quite amazing.

So we had some of the afternoon left so Joe treated us to lunch at my favourite tea rooms in Hove, Ethel's kitchen. After stuffing our faces and enjoying drinking fresh loose tea out of bone china tea cups we headed off to the charity shops. I LOVE charity shops! Joe is obsessed with VHS and bought 10 videos for under a fiver.... He's just asked me to tell you that he has an extensive archive of VHS...... what a GEEK! I however was excited at my brilliant find..... The best of Jackie for just £3.95!!! Bargain! This made my day! The 70's illustrations have to my fav!

Its my lovely friend Lou Lou the Elvin princess's birthday tomorrow. I am very excited that I am going to be going out for the first time since my birthday! I can not wait to dress up...... and don't worry mum I wont be drinking the equivalent to a whole bottle of Vodka.

A night of 90's and 80's flicks are on the agenda tonight me thinks!

Surgery

2008-11-26T23:37:00.004Z

The dreaded day arrived. I woke up feeling OK actually. I had managed to sleep too. I had dreamt about my Gran the night before. She died of lung cancer when I was 8. She was the best Gran you could ever have! The type that spoilt you rotten. I have only ever dreamt about her once before. The night before I went traveling for the first time. I was worried about going because of something awful had happened in the family and was unsure whether that going was the right thing to do. She told me that everything was going to be OK. It comforted me. She said the same words to me in this dream too. I believe when someone has passed away and you dream about them it is them visiting you through your dream. Strangely enough I had gone to see a medium a few weeks ago. She said that my Gran was with me and she said every thing was going to be OK. The exact same words.

I woke up feeling calm, a little nervous perhaps but calm. I was trying not to think about it too much anyway. Joe and my parents came with me. We arrived at eleven and was taken in to the ward. I wasn't sure at first if it was just for cancer patients. There was a lot of older ladies in there. My surgeon popped over and put his hand on my arm and very compassionately said "Don't you worry, we will get that cancer out of you."

It just so happened to be breast cancer awareness month so it was every where! I couldn't read a magazine without seeing articles about it. Fortunately the articles were all positive stories. We waited till about 3 O'clock. It was a long wait! Just before I went, a lady was brought in from surgery. She was groaning and moaning like no tomorrow! That instantly made me feel scared.

As they took me down I started to cry. This was really happening now. I was petrified. I still had a bit of a wait when I got down there. I was put in a big room at first, there was a huge Oak tree painting directly in front of me that was painted up onto the ceiling too. I always loved oak trees. Oak tree symbolises courage and strength as well as other things.

I said goodbye to Joe and my parents and went it. The anesthetist proceeded to put the cannula's in. He was finding it hard to find my vein, and had to take it out and put it in another one. I was not liking this at all. As he was putting the second one in I could feel myself go all woozy. I wasn't sure if I should have been feeling like this already as he hadn't put the anesthetic in yet. I didn't say anything. I must have passed out because the next thing I knew I was waking up from the surgery. I knew I had a low pain threshold but that was just ridiculous!

It was so surreal. If you have ever watched a film or programme where you have the view of the person waking up from an operation, then that's what it was like. Bright lights, nurses saying my name and telling you where you are. I was shivering, my throat was dry and I couldn't keep my eyes open at first. I saw my mum and Joe in the corridor. I felt like absolute shit!

I was pumped full of morphine so wasn't feeling any pain.. I was looking forward to the morphine actually but it was not as great as I thought it would have been. I'm sure I would have been in a an awful lot of pain without it but I was expecting to at least feel slightly high too! My chest felt kind of numb. Which I guess was a good thing but the sensation was not comfortable. I remember my mum trying to talk to me. I couldn't talk, I didn't want to talk. She walked out crying. It must of been horrible seeing one of her little girl in this state.

My parents left and Joe stayed with me for a while longer. It was so uncomfortable. I wanted to lie on my side but when I tried to my wound felt really heavy like someone was pushing down on it. I didn't know how I was going to sleep as I love to sleep on my front. I thought I'd be so out of it from the morphine that I'd be OK. I could not sleep. Not only was the morphine making my face itch like crazy but the women in the ward were snoring like a herd of walruses, if that is at all possible! The nurses were in and out all the time checking my blood pressure and giving me pain killers. I made sure I clicked that morphine button every time the light showed up!

The woman next to me was having a hard time. There was so much noise coming from her bay, as well as throwing up. She had obviously over done it on the morphine but kept giving herself more anyway! By the time it was morning I was in a terrible state. A nurse came over and asked if I wanted toast. I told her I was on a special diet from having a yeast infection. She looked at me with a slight scowl and said "What?" in an not so sympathetic tone. She didn't know what I was going on about and didn't care. I burst into tears. I was just left to cry. I felt the whole ward looking at me. No one saying a word.

I told the nurse I wanted to see my boyfriend. She said he'd called and was coming in early. I was so relieved. I laid there crying until he arrived. He couldn't stay for long as had to go to work. My parents came for the rest of the day.

The woman next to me just wouldn't shut up! It was driving me crazy. I'm sure she was in a great deal of pain but she was the type of person that moaned and groaned for attention. She would have a right groan and then look round to see if anyone was looking. I think the whole ward was fed up of her. I just thought shut up and get on with it. I still had no idea what any of these ladies were in for. I guessed one lady on the other side had had a mastectomy because she had 2 drains coming of her side like me. She was very quiet and looked very sad. I knew how she felt. It got to the point where I could not bare the woman's moaning anymore. I asked for a private room but there weren't any. Luckily a lady by the window was leaving. I asked to be moved to over there.

I was finally moved. It was nice not to be stuck in the middle of the ward anymore. I found out that the rest of the women had had hysterectomy's. I do hope I never have to have one! I felt bad at complaining about that woman as she was probably in so much pain but she WAS the only one making a big deal out of it.

She later asked me what I was in for. I told her, she felt terrible and apologised for all the noise she was making. She was very nice to me. No one else had spoken to me in there. I was opposite a little old lady, she was so sweet. I got out of bed one day to help her up. I couldn't just lay there watching her struggle but I knew I shouldn't have done this. Even the lady told me to lie back down but I had to help her.

The nurses were generally really nice in there apart from a couple. The nicest ones were the Filipino women. They were so adorable and really cared about you. It was a shame they only did the night shifts.

Emotionally it was very hard in hospital. One day all I wanted to do was cry. I tried to have some privacy by shutting the curtains but the nurses would come along and open them again. If any of them saw me crying they would assume I was in physical pain. I wasn't and could kind of cope with that. I know they are only there for your physical health but when they kept turning around saying well at least the cancer has gone, or you'll be OK, I felt like I had to be grateful.

The emotional pain was so much worse. I didn't feel I really had enough emotional support in there. A breast care nurse did casually walk over to me and speak to me for 5 minutes at the most but that was it. So when a nurse asked me if I had met the breast care nurse and was going on about how lovely she was I thought, well its all very well her being lovely but where the hell is she. I then saw her on few occasions but it wasn't to talk to me. She would be sitting in the staff room drinking tea and munching on biscuits..... not really any use to me is it!

I'd had such a horrible day. I asked the night nurses if there was a private room. Thankfully there was and they moved me. Having my own space was just what I needed. It had been four days and I was so desperate to get out. I have never understood how your suppose to recover in such an unrelaxing, depressing place.

I had 2 drains coming out form my side. These were draining the fluid and blood from my wound. The drains had to be below 40 before they could discharge me. It took a week in the end. I was told probably 4 days so was hoping I could leave.

The week I had been in hospital we probably had the best weather we'd had in October. I managed to get out into the hospital grounds one day. That felt amazing. I wanted to leave for the day but my drains kept on leaking and I was having my dressing changed so often. My spirits were so low. I just wanted to get out of that place, go outside and feel the sun on my face, listen to the leaves rustling and watch the beautiful golden autumn leaves fall.

I plucked up the courage one day and looked down at my chest. It still had the dressing on so couldn't really tell what it looked like but it looked pretty good from what I could see. It felt thigh and was really strapped down which bothered me. It was the drains that actually hurt the most though. They were pulling down and felt very sore.

I was having to take sleeping pills because I just could not sleep. They soon wore off though. The nurses would wake you up at about 7.30 to give you your painkillers and take your blood pressure. I just wanted to be left alone. Breakfast would come soon after. It was the last thing I wanted to do at that time in the morning. The hospital food was awful! I hardly I ate but did try. Everyone that visited did bring me lots to eat and I ended up with a bag full of goodies but couldn't bring myself to eat much of it. The nurses were all jealous when Joe brought me in load of Marks & Sparks food.

The day was to arrive when I had at least my first drain taken out. I felt better already. On the seventh day they have to take the other one no matter what. It was such a relief not to have them hanging down me side and pulling anymore.

One of the nurses took off my dressing. I was nervous about looking down. They left the strips over my stitches so it was not completely visible. I had a look down at my chest, I was pleasantly surprised. It did not look half as bad as I thought it would be. I showed my friend, Vanessa. She made me laugh by saying, "God its better then my boob!"

The surgeon had done an amazing job. It was very neat and even the nurses said how good it looked. I went to the bathroom and had a look in the mirror. It actually looked better looking down at it then straight on. I did have a little cry, after all I had lost one of my breasts.

The day came that I could leave. A nurse helped me wash my hair for the first time in a week. It felt so good having clean hair again The nurses did help me wash every day but I couldn't wait for a proper wash. I was given this big elastic support band which I was told to wear over my chest. It did not feel right at all as I thought it was crushing my reconstruction. I wore it anyway. It wasn't until I spoke to the nurse at East Grinsted that I was told I was wearing in wrong. It had to sit on top of your chest. This still wasn't comfortable. I was told to wear it 24/7 for 6 weeks!

My friend Paolo came down from Leicester to pick me up. It was great to get home. I was very tired and still very sore. It was lovely to see Paolo, we caught up and talked about all the crazy things we always talk about. I swear, if anyone heard us talking they would put us in a mental asylum! We would have been burnt at the stake for being witches many years ago!

Feel like Jordan!

2008-11-26T20:07:00.004Z

I had my expander (my temporary reconstruction) filled up with saline today. I have had it done once before, a few weeks ago. Its is to expand and stretch the skin. It can not be filled up to your size when it is put in. So I was not balanced out straight away. They initially told me that it would need to be filled up about 7 times. Seven times seemed an awful lot. They said that it needs to be slightly bigger, but I thought I would end up lob sided if I had it done 7 times.

The good news is that might have been the last time they do it. Im looking pretty big on that side now.

It is already looking bigger then my real breast and is rock hard and very round. I feel like Jordan on one side! Its not very comfortable for a few days and I can not sleep on my front anymore. I often find myself waking up on my front and freaking out thinking I could crush it. Apparently you can't. I guess its a little like when your pregnant only not such a big bump.

Its quite amazing how they do it actually. I have a port underneath my skin. They use a magnet to find the port and then stick a needle in and fill it up. It doesn't hurt but you can feel it getting larger and then its a little uncomfortable for a few days.

I stupidly watched Peter and Katie (Jordan) in hospital. Jordan was having her breasts done AGAIN. She said she wanted them rock hard and very round. IS SHE MAD?!! There seriously has to be something wrong with that girl. All I can thing is she must be incredibly insecure and addicted to surgey. I have never understood why any woman would go under the knife for something that extreme. I only understand if its because a girl was so insecure about something it really effected her life. Jordan was perfectly fine before if you ask me.

I'm sure I'll be very happy with my breasts when they are done. But I would give anything to have my own breast back. I actually got really riled at a flippant comment Kate Moss made. She said in so many words that fake breasts were absolutely disgusting. Well its OK for her to say that when she has the perfect body. Yes I would agree when it gets as extreme as Jordan you do start to wonder. But she has obviously has not thought why some people might have implants.

I don't wear many baggy tops. In fact I had to buy one for when I got out of hospital. I'm not sure you can really tell unless you stare at my chest, but all my tops are tight and I'll be damned if I'm going out and buying a load of baggy ones!

Its a good job its winter, that's all I can say!!

I'm having my PICC line put in tomorrow morning. Im dreading it! When the nurse described it to be I felt myself going woozy!

Instead of having a cannula put in every time and ruining your veins, there is a thing called a PICC line which they insert into a vein in your arm and goes up into your chest. Doesn't sound too pleasant but at least it'll save my veins, and put it this way I'd be a hopeless smack addict!

Everything happens for a reason

2008-11-25T18:33:00.005Z

I sat on the train on my way back to Brighton today with a huge smile on my face. I was sad to leave my mum and dreading going back because of my treatment. However, the last few days have been very uplifting. Since writing these blogs, not only is it very therapeutic for me but it is already helping people.

I have had an abundance of positive and kind words from people, some of whom I do not know. For friends, its helping them understand what I am going through and they now feel like they can be more supportive. For others it has made them realise that they have issues from the past that they have buried and really need to confront before its too late. Amazingly I have heard its already reached someone with who has recently been diagnosed with cancer and found my blog comforting. Some people have lost loved once and those dear to them to the big 'C', and it is now helping them understand what they might have gone through.

I have had friends open up to me who might have not done so before, which I know is a huge thing for some people to do. Up until about 4 years ago I found it impossible to open up. I am not sure what or how things changed but I am now very open and am not ashamed of that.

My homeopath and and wonderful friend, Paolo made me realise why I had certain physical illness's. They explained to me that your emotional well being had a huge impact on your physical. Louise Hays' book, How to heal your life also explains this theory and lists every illness with the emotional cause.

I never really had too many health problems and thought I was quite lucky. I did however seem to suffer with a lot of emotional problems. The first illness I suffered from at high school was streptococci, a throat infection. I suffered with swollen glands for many years. It would make me feel so ill but the doctors kept giving me antibiotics and said I would grow out of it. The last time I remember having it was 4 years ago. (notice how the 4 years fit in with when I started to open up)

I remember a guy I was going out with (who was slightly deluded) would never listen to me. One night we'd had a huge argument and he would not listen to what I was saying. I cried with the pain my throat was in. Paolo told me that I suffered with sore throats because I could not express myself to other people and when I tried to no body listened to me. I felt invisible to some people at some point in my life or other. What Paolo had told me made absolute sense.

My sore throats seemed to disappear about 4 years ago and I then started to get urine infections, not too bad until 2 years ago when I started traveling though. When I spoke to my homeopath about my life she noticed that I kept saying the words 'pissed off' and that wasn't it strange that I was suffering from urine infections and I was always pissed off. She was right, I WAS still 'pissed off' with so many thing about my life.

A naturapath I spoke to in New Zealand who was amazing, but have sadly lost touch with also explained to me why I seemed to suffer with the throat infections and then the UTI's. She explained that because of my introverted nature I may have been attempting to swallow down my true feelings and that sore throats were connected with not saying something to someone. She wondered if this had since been swallowed so deep down that it was now buried in my digestion and causing the yeast infection, candida.

It all made so much sense to me. To be honest I feel like it is no surprise that I now have breast cancer. Looking back on my life I have noticed a pattern occurring. I kept trying to run away from my problems without realising it. How strange that every time I went away traveling my trips were always cut short, when all I wanted to do was to stay away and travel the world. I always hated Leicester and was so desperate to leave and find somewhere I was happy and accepted. Where ever I went things seemed to go wrong and not work out. I would end up right back where I started in Leicester again. It drove me mad!! Why did this keep happening to me, I kept thinking.

It is not until now that I realise all I was doing my whole life was running away from my problems. Well as we all know its impossible to run away from issues you have as they are in your own head. You can't just dump them and say "Toodle Ooh" and hope they don't follow you. If only it WERE that simple!

I must of been in total denial. I thought I WAS OK with my past and the way I was. Like the naturapath said I must have buried them deep down and hoped they'd disappear. I also used to try and find happiness in other things rather then in myself. I pretty much hated myself for a long time. I thought I would find happiness in Love, places, career etc. I was not to find it in any of those places. I thought I was destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

I often found myself very depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I felt like I was trying so hard in relationships (where I thought I would find ultimate happiness) The relationships never worked out and I'd end up even more lost then ever. When people say to you, "You can not love someone else until you love yourself", listen to them! I used to hate that saying. I knew deep down it was the truth but I never like listening to the truth.

I think as a British nation we are quite a miserable and sarcastic bunch! We are too proud, don't like to open up and sweep all our problems under the carpet. Well it drives me insane! OK I used to be like this but I feel so much better for being a more open. Why are we so ashamed of our problems. After all, we all have them don't we?

I feel this country has so many things wrong. Why do have so many teenage pregnancy's for example, compared to a country like The Netherlands? Perhaps it is because we don't like to talk about sex so openly. Like a lot of things is this country its a taboo subject. We shy away and are too afraid and embarrassed to talk about subjects so openly. Why can't we see that we are damaging our younger generations to come. We need to learn from our mistakes and change the way we think. Why we are we so afraid to teach our children sex education. Look at what the world is turning into.

Global warming, violence, child abuse, poverty, war, animal cruelty and even vanity and this ridiculous obsession with celebrities, some who are famous for what? apart from appearing on a reality TV show or getting their kit off for some sleazy magazine, NOTHING!! So many things (as you can see) frustrate me about the world I live in and there is only so much I can do about it.

I have always said I love animals more then people. I guess this is because so many people are cruel to animals and there is nothing they can do. We are destroying their natural habitat and causing many beautiful creatures to become extinct. People kill them no matter if they are becoming extinct or not so that some stinking rich and ignorant person can enjoy wearing a beautiful fur coat. It makes me sick to the teeth. We are killing animals every day without even realising it. How would we like it if aliens came down from space and did this to us? We could fight back with our 'weapons of mass destruction' and defend and protect ourselves. Animals can not.

Phew..... I really am going off on a tangent now, maybe that's all for another blog for another time!! I ll get back to the point shall I.

So where was I? Oh yes, British people! We seem to sweep our problems under the carpet. My family like a lot of families have also done this. Maybe that's why I found it hard to open up to them and tell them how I was really feeling, and made me feel distant from them all. I am not saying it is there fault one bit, if anything I'm as much to blame to.

I never opened up to them and they are probably getting to know me a lot better then they ever have now. I have led a completely different life outside that I kept separate from them and that's why they have never really got to know me. I don't feel like I have given them a chance to get to know me but being quiet and having very outspoken sisters I thought by just blending into the background, getting on with it and not bothering to do anything about it I would be OK with this.

I am however not OK with this. I would like nothing more to feel just as close to my sisters as I do to my best friends. To be just as loud as they are at our family gatherings and voice my crazy hippy ideas and opinions without feeling like a weirdo and most of all to BE myself!

I do feel things already changing between me and my family. I feel closer to them. It feels wonderful and makes me so much happier. I'd almost resigned to the fact that I would always feel a slight distance from them and that would be that. I'm so happy that isn't going to be the case.

Writing these blogs are an amazing way of expressing how you feel with out having to tell people face to face. I don't think I could ever have sat down with them and told them how I felt all these years.I did do that with my brother in law and I had him in tears. He was sad that I couldn't feel like I could talk to any of them and had no idea this was what I was feeling.

I love my family dearly and I know that despite having a horrible disease and that times are going to be tough, this is the best thing that will come out of it. It's a pretty horrible way for me to have to go through but I do know things probably wouldn't have changed otherwise.

I realised all this quite early on. Not only was it going to bring me closer to my family but it was going to make me a stronger person and give the confidence I have always needed to achieve what I want out of life. Most importantly of all I will learn how to love myself.

I told my McMillan nurse that in some weird way I was glad this was happening to me. She looked at me like I was mad and said "Yes, that is weird."

Life growing up

2008-11-24T13:31:00.019Z

My surgery was to be on the 8th October. It came around so quickly. I tried to enjoy the 2 weeks I had leading up to it as much as I could. I had so much time to think so instead of thinking of the worst all the time which I do, I tried starting to think more positively about the whole thing. I had to break everything down and not think about the whole thing in one huge chunk, as it seemed too much to bear. Taking each step as it comes is a lot easier and not looking into all the different types of therapy I was going to have.

The reason I want to write a brief outline about my life is because I feel it is relevant to whats going on now. I have not gone into too much detail as its perhaps a bit too personal. I believe I have cancer because of stress and issues I have that I have never confronted and just let it manifest into something toxic inside of me. I read a book that my mum gave me called How to heal your life, by Louise Hay. It made a lot of sense and I already knew a lot of the things she was writing about.

I have always blamed so many of my problems on things that have happened in the past and I know I have to stop doing this. I have to forgive and let go of all the issues and bad things that have happened to me. I have always known this but never really knew how to do it. Reading Louise Hay's book made it clearer and easier for me to do this.

I do think you need to change your mind set when you have a disease like cancer. If you don't then the cancer can return. I can already feel me changing as a person and becoming closer to my family. I used to feel like I didn't belong to my family, like an outsider looking in. It has nothing to do with my family at all as they have always been very loving. Its just something I felt and could never explain why.

Like most people I have had problems and issues within the family, that I've never managed to deal with. I also have had some boyfriends that were either very draining or abusive. I never seemed to pick men very well.

I started to realize that what I was about to go through was going to turn me into an even stronger and more confident woman. I have always lacked confidence and was painfully shy as a young girl. I still don't think I have enough confidence and self esteem now. I am the middle child of 5 girls. I have a wonderful family who love me very much and would do anything for each other. I would say I was a typical middle child growing up. As you can imagine you had to fight to get attention in such a big family but for some reason I didn't. I was quite a placid kid anyway and was happy to sit back and observe. This then become my role in the family. I was the quiet one but as I got older I realized I didn't like being the quiet one, but for some reason I felt like I could not be myself with my family. I guess I started to open up to my friends and I was able to be more myself with them. Although that didn't really start happening till I was in my mid 20's.

It was hard being one of five girls especially, when I was quite different from them. I decided to be a vegetarian at such a young age and wasn't interested in the same things. I liked boys toys when growing up and hated dolls. I thought It was stupid to want to have a baby when you were only a baby yourself and boys toys were much more fun! The only girly things I was into were fairies and Cindy's because I loved fashion. Mum always said I was a perfectionist and my hair and clothes always had to be just right. I loved to colour coordinate my clothes and would go mad if my socks didn't match. I can't say I'm still like that now but I do still love fashion.

It felt like I would be compared to my other sisters and was very down on myself because I wasn't as clever as them or didn't want the same things in life as them. I thought my parents would love me less or wish I was more like the rest of my sisters. However, it didn't make me want to conform. I was the way I was and I liked being different even though I struggled with it.

I loved experimenting and had all the colours and hair cuts under the sun. I started to go through a tom boy stage because at the time I felt like it was the only way to be different from other girls. I was still so self conscious though which doesn't make sense I know. I am still like this. I love wearing different clothes, especially vintage stuff from the 60's and 70's, but hate people looking at me and thinking I'm weird. I always wanted not to care about what other people thought of me, but for some reason I do. I remember going to a disco when I was about 14. I put on a crop top with a star on it, mini skirt, knee high socks and platform shoes. I walked down stairs and my sister's boyfriend at the time said to me "What the hell are you wearing, you look ridiculous". I ran upstairs and got changed.

I knew that I never wanted to do the norm, which to me was to finish school, go to uni, get a degree, get a career, meet a nice man, get married and have children. The thought of that just scared the hell out of me. I didn't feel I was put on this planet just to do all that... well not so soon anyway.

I knew I wanted to do lots of things before I settled down. I knew from a young age that I wanted to travel and even not want to stay in this country. I had thoughts at such a young age like 'Do I really want to bring children into this world with the way its going. I used to say to myself: ' Why would I think things like that?'

I was not brought up as a socialist or to be liberal yet I had all these alternative views about life that I didn't know where they were coming from. We all used to joke saying that I was the milkman's. Obviously I wasn't as I look very much like the rest of my family.

I pretty much rebelled against everything when I was growing up but I wouldn't say I was a handful. I felt like I was constantly in my parents bad books though. I hated conforming and had different ideas and views about life that nobody else seemed to have, so I thought I was weird and didn't talk to anyone about them. I think this is what made me so shy and not very open when I was young. I was always so desperate to leave school as I hated that too. I was diagnosed with dyslexia at a very young age, but the school I went to at the time didn't seem to recognise and understand it, so really I struggled and I felt that I was made to feel stupid. That also did my confidence no good at all.

I remember hitting puberty at the age of 13 and my young fresh looking skin started to suffer from acne. It might not be as bad as people remember but it was bad enough to me. I always had a lot of spots and this made me even more self conscious. I started wearing tonnes of foundation. I remember a friend saying "What has happened to your skin?" I thought people must be noticing how terrible my skin looked. I would cry in the morning before going to school from not being able to cover them up. This then made my face look red and swollen and look worse. I did not want to wear make-up at such a young age, but I thought people would think I was ugly.

I had a group of friends at school but was always better at one to one and hated being part of a big group, as I would shy away. I had a lot of different best friends and I think that's how people got to know me best. Eventually some of them ended up being very two faced and bitchy and I didn't understand why. I was quiet and never said boo to a goose. I was verbally bullied at school too and would come home crying so many times. My parents had had enough so went to the head mistress. We were shocked at her response. All she could say to me was that I was bigger than the other girl. What the hell has that got to do with anything. I wasn't being physically bullied which I probably would have preferred, if I am honest. I was not going to punch her just because she was smaller then me. My Mum would tell me that some of my friends were probably bitchy because they were jealous, but I still did not understand why.I thought by being loud I would have made thing worse so I stayed quiet. I was and still am a very sensitive person anyway which doesn't help.

I had heard one day that my best friend at the time had slagged me off behind my back. I remember my friend telling me that she had said, "She's just all looks and nothing in between." I was so upset by this. How could she say this when were best friends. It was obviously rubbish I thought, why would you be best friends with someone that wasn't interesting. She then later proceeded to steal my boyfriend off me.

So I knuckled down and worked really hard and got good grades. I was glad to leave school and move on. I'll never forget the leaving ceremony we had. My best friend at the time looked around at all the girls crying. We looked at each other and I remember saying to her how funny I thought it was because I was so glad to leave and that I was more upset that England had lost to Germany in the World cup. She laughed in agreement and instead of crying we both had a chuckle!

So I left school at 16 and went to college to do my 'A' levels. I again struggled with these. I was more creative and loved Art so choose more creative subjects but was being pushed into more academic subjects because everyone thought it was best to keep my options open so I chose Business studies which was totally not what I wanted to do and I hated it. I gave that up and started psychology which I found fascinating but struggled with as essays which were never my forte and there was a lot of essay writing.

I thought bugger this I'm going to do what I originally wanted to do - photography.

I loved it!

I found something apart from art that I was really good at, and passionate about. I don't think the other students were too impressed though, as I started in the 2nd year and my lecturer would praise me so much because I'd never done it before and I was the best in the class. This was great for my self esteem though as I'd never really excelled at anything before.

I decided to go to Uni and do photography. I really wanted to do Art Foundation but for some reason my art teacher told me I wasn't good enough so I didn't do it. I really do now regret listening to her because looking back at it I WAS good enough. I hated everything about Uni. I felt old before my time. It was like all these 18 year old kids had been let out for the first time and were going wild. I'd already done a bit of that so found it quite boring. I just liked to go where I would enjoy the music and dance to my hearts content. I wasn't interested in all these silly nights nights to see who could get the most drunk, be the loudest and snog as many guys as possible. The whole thing bored me.

I didn't like the course I was on either. It was creative enough and it was the sort of course you did if you wanted to do wedding photography or portraits. Very commercial, which wasn't me.

So I quit and didn't know what the hell to do.

I bumped into an old friend who worked at her Dad's designer fashion shop in town and she said she could get me a job. I'd never had a job before, apart from working part time at a supermarket while I was at college.

I loved earning more money and working in fashion quite suited me. It gave me lots of confidence too as I was having to help people on more of a personal level, it being an independent shop. I met some great people working there and got a good social life from it too, but I ended up realising the nights out I was going on weren't really me. I still couldn't seem to find enough people who were into the same thing as me. I was still quite shy and thought I was weird. However, it was nice meeting lots of people who hadn't been to private school. They seemed so much more different.

It wasn't until I started to have my hair cut with a guy called Paolo that things started to change. He is very spiritual (not religiously) and into alternative thinking. We got on so well and started talking lots and became very close friends. He made me realise that I wasn't weird and wasn't alone in the way I thought. This made me feel so much better but I still wasn't open about what my thoughts and beliefs were, and I was still frustrated that I wasn't meeting lots of people like him. I'd always had too many guy friends and was desperate to meet some really good girlfriends who were on my wavelength.

I worked there for a while but getting cheap designer clothes was a bit of a trap and I soon got bored.

I'd just got out of a bad relationship which had left me with no self esteem so I decided finally to do what I'd always wanted to do - go travelling.

I had a friend in Australia at the time so rang her up and said I was coming over. I was planning on staying for a year but came back after 3 months for my sisters wedding. I had the best 3 months of my life! It was just what I needed to boost my confidence. I went travelling around on my own which I was scared of doing at first but became to realise that this was the best way of doing it. I met two American girls along the way who were crazy and so lovely, so we decided to travel around with them. It was an unforgettable experience. I came back a different person but it had given me the travel bug and I wanted to do more. I also found it even harder being back in the UK and felt like I had nothing in common with anyone anymore and lost touch with some of my friends.

Six months later I saved enough money to go away again. A friend of mine was in Whistler, Canada snowboarding. Having done a little bit before I thought this would be fantastic. It was, but I broke my wrist half way through the trip and ran out of money so had to come home. I was starting to think that I wasn't meant to travel as my trips were being cut short. Not sure what to do I got a job working in a skate shop and met some really cool people, more on my wavelength.

After a while I got bored again and knew I had to go and do something different. I had looked at going back to Uni again and came across a wildlife photography course which looked amazing. It was in Blackpool and that put me off. After a few months I realised I really did want to do this course so I applied. It's the only degree course in Europe and that had students from a ll over the world applying so knew it would be hard to get on. I made a portfolio up and went for my interview. I was so nervous. Expecting to hear 'You'll hear from us by post.' There and then they told me that they liked my work and they wanted me on the course. I was over the moon!

I started the next year and enjoyed the course. For the first time I loved my lecturers and was very passionate about the subject. It was a fascinating course as it wasn't all about photography. We had science lessons, and art history which I was really enjoying. I can't say I enjoyed being in Blackpool though and going back as a mature student was really tough. The people on my course were the nicest people but a lot younger then me so I found it hard to socialise. I did, but I think they thought I was mad as all I did was dance like crazy! I also broke the mould of the typical wildlife photography student. We were named by the 'normal' photography students as 'Squirrel snappers.'

I was doing really well and getting good grades and my tutors were really pleased with me. It soon changed when I had to start writing rationals and essays. I started to feel like I was back at school again and couldn't cope with feeling frustrated by my dyslexia. I was annoyed that I was getting judged on my writing and it was letting my marks down. I started to realize though that I didn't actually need this degree and I could go off and be a photographer without having a qualification in it. I was so scared about telling my parents I was going to quit. It was a hard decision to make, I think if it wasn't in Blackpool and I had closer friendships with people I might have stayed.

I moved back home to Leicester. I was always trying to get away from Leicester but seemed to end up back there again. I think I was constantly running away from problems and issues I had about things I had in my head. My friend Paolo knew a couple of people in Hastings and I'd meet two girls on Myspace from there too so I went down there with Paolo to the Jack of the Green festival.

I fell in love with the Old Town and the fact Hastings still celebrated Pagan festivals really appealed to me. It felt like stepping back in time and I love that. So I decided to moved down there.

I had great summer and met some amazing people who are now my closest friends. I had never met so many accepting people who were really interested in you and were on the same wavelength. I felt like I really could be me! I had got into the 60's/70's scene while going out with a guy from Leeds and love wearing vintage clothes but didn't have the confidence to do that in Leicester. I would but I got so many stares and weird looks from people it bothered me. So being in Hastings where there were more people like me was fab!

I met a guy Joe, who I am with now in Hastings who is actually the complete opposite to my previous boyfriend and at first I didn't think we were right for each other because he wasn't into the same thing. I looked like a a full on 60's chick and Joe was very relaxed in his look, so at first I don't think anyone would of put us together. We did, however, have the same views, opinions and morals and we wanted the same out of life. I had never come across I guy who wanted these things, so we instantly connected.

He was about to go travelling 2 months later, so we decided just to have some fun while he was still about. I ended up moving back home to Leicester as things weren't working out in Hastings in then end. When I left I realised how much I wanted to be with this guy. I thought, I'm not letting this one go without a fight. When I want something I do my god damn hardest to get it! So I asked him if I could eventually come out to see him in Australia. He eventually agreed and I saved up and went out just before Christmas.

So for the last 2 years we had been traveling and had an amazing time. I did get ill while I was traveling and suffered from really bad urine infections. I went to the doctors on several occasions and was given antibiotics each time. The urine infections kept coming back. I got it so frequently that it seemed like there was something else wrong. I went back to the doctors and asked if we could find out what was wrong. I had tests and all showed up OK. One doctor told that because I was a girl it was normal and had to put up with it. I was not happy with this.

It got to the point where I was feeling infections every day. I knew this was not normal and was so distressed as it was ruining my trip. I went to see a naturapath who tested me for the yeast infection, candida. I had never heard of candida before and also had no idea how much food can cause different things. I've always eaten what I want because I've been fortunate to get away with it.

The naturapath looked as me as a whole and we talked about my whole life. I never realised that your emotional health could effect your physical health. It made sense why I had this yeast infection. I was not happy though when I was told to give up, sugar, yeast, wheat and alcohol. What did that leave!! I am such a foody so found this difficult but managed to do it for 2 months until I gave up.

I had to cut my travels short once again. I guess when I think about it now it was a blessing in disguise. I would not have like to been half way across the world and found the lump in my breast. I'm still suffering with it now. Its a pain but at least I am having to eat very healthy.

We got back this year and it took ages to try and adapt back to normal life. We both hated it! We tried living in Leicester and Hastings but it wasn't working. I always wanted to live in Brighton but Joe was never keen. Luckily fate was on my side and the only job Joe could find was in Brighton so we ended up there. I love Brighton, its an exciting place to live. You can be whoever you want to be and feel comfortable.

I started a dressmaking course as I lost my passion a little for photography. I still love it but didn't think I could make a career out of it. Again, this was purely because I didn't have any confidence. I feel like I'm a typical creative type with lots of talent but not any confidence to do anything with it. The dressmaking, I was very passionate about and felt like this was where I was going to take my career. I started temping just to help pay the bills and the rent. I had only been working for 2 weeks when I found out I'd got breast cancer.

It has turned my life upside down and was angry for a while, but I do believe I know why I have it. So instead of letting it get to me and bringing me down I am trying to be as positive as I can. I feel like I will finally sort out a lot of my issues that I never sorted out and will be a stronger more confident women. I believe good always comes out of bad and I can already feel it happening.

Donate to the Miriam trust

2008-11-23T03:50:00.001Z

The Miriam Charitable Trust was set up in honour of Miriam Eaton by her family and friends. Miriam died of lung cancer in August 2001, aged 26.The Miriam Trust provide financial assistance for a variety of practical needs for people with cancer from the age 18 - 35.

http://www.justgiving.com/miriamtrust/donate/
Please donate to this local cancer charity.

Finding out I had breast cancer

2008-11-22T14:44:00.011Z

The 18th of September. That date will stay with me forever. I was getting my results in the afternoon so I took the day off work and went into town and went shopping for a belt to go with an outfit for my friends 30th birthday which was the next night. I bought a belt, hair slides and even some hair dye, that's how convinced I was that I'd be OK.

I met my mum from the train station and headed to the hospital. Joe met us there from work. I walked up to the hospital and a white feather fell from the sky right in front of me. It was comforting but worrying at the same time. I believe in guardian angels and I knew this was a way of mine saying I'm around you right now. I thought this could either mean things are OK or there not but it will all be OK.

I was called in very quickly considering I was so used to waiting around for ages. The doctor was a very cheerful character and greeted me like he knew me. He examined me again felt around my shoulders and then gave me a little sympathetic rub on the arm and said you can get dressed now. I wasn't sure how to take that. We went into "the quiet room" with the doctor and the nurse. The doctor had a beaming smile and was so jolly I was really expecting him to say every things fine, its just a cyst. He said the results showed the lump to be suspicious, a word I'd heard so many times now.

I now started to feel nervous. He told me the bad news still smiling. It was so surreal, I felt like I was dreaming or that he was joking and that he was going to turn around to me and say "Only jokin!" The news hit me like nothing I have ever felt before. I felt sick, I thought now I know what its like to hear that someone close to you has passed away. It was gut wrenching! Immediately mum and I started to cry.

Joe had nipped out before to get someone to eat because I said we normally wait around for ages. I just remember my mum saying "I'm so sorry Em, you don't deserve this." I tried to compose myself a little and thought well this might not be as bad as it sounds. The doctor continued to say that the tumour was very big and that it had spread to my lymph nodes in my armpit and that I would lose my breast. I just could not believe what I was hearing. It has to be every woman's worst nightmare. All I could think was that I am so young and this could not happen to me. It does not run in the family and being young and healthy I thought everything was on my side.

No women should lose a breast especially at the age of 29. Ive only ever heard of women in their 50's and older losing a breast. The doctor proceeded to tell me I would have to have all treatments which were chemotherapy, radiology and hormone treatment. He told me it was a grade 3 invasive tumour which didn't mean that much to me but the word invasive didn't sound too good. I was finding this all to hard to take in. I said I needed to see Joe so the McMillan nurse went to get him. I'm pretty sure he was expecting good news and when he saw me crying his face dropped and I could tell he was in shock to.

Joe asked the doctor of lots questions and I felt like I went into a bit of a daze and was shaking. I stared into space and wasn't listening to what they were saying. I couldn't possibly take any more information in. It was too much to take in and I just wanted to get out of there. So we left and arranged to see them again to talk about what was the next step to take and to find out a little more about it.

I went and had my blood test and chest x-ray to get it out the way. I was walking around the hospital in a daze. I started to feel panicky, and by throat and chest felt tight which made it hard to breathe and I started crying.

Still in a state of shock and not really knowing what to do we all went down to the beach. Fortunately it was a beautiful day so we went and sat down near to the sea. I felt like I wanted to be on my own but wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mum went off to try and ring my dad and sisters. It must of been horrible for her. How do you break news like that to everyone especially when every was so convinced it would be OK. I text three of my closest friends as they knew I was getting my results and really wanted to speak to them.

One of my friends who is a nurse and is as open as me so very good to talk to said she would come over straight away to be with me if that's what I wanted and I said yes as I also thought it would be a good distraction.

We sat on the beach all day. We walked home while the sun was setting in front of us, it felt like a long walk but was good as it was a beautiful evening. I always loved being by the sea and found it very therapeutic to sit there looking out at this big open space and let go of your thoughts and fears. I spoke to a few friends and family while walking back, they were all so shocked and really didn't no what to say.

That evening my friend Vanessa came over. Being a nurse she is used to this sort of thing so she was the perfect person to be around straight away. We talked about it and talked about other stuff and for a moment everything felt normal and then I just burst into tears when I realised this was really happening. I knew that this was how it was going to feel for the next couple of weeks. It was going to have to slowly sink in over the next few weeks. I'm not sure it actually ever sinks in though to be honest. I still cant quite believe it now. I don't feel like I have cancer.

The next two weeks my emotions were all over the place. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my whole life! I'm good at crying too and I know its better to let it out then keep it all bottled up. It was very weird, one minute I was watching Flight of the Concords laughing my head off like everything was normal and then it would just suddenly hit me and I would break down.

There was no way of escaping reality, even in my dreams there was no escape! Joe and I tried to keep ourselves as busy as possible. Joe was great, he was being very strong for me and making sure I was OK. It brought us even closer together as it should. Joe took some time off work and we went over to Hastings to his parents house.

The weather was beautiful, a typical autumn day. Autumn is my favourite season. It always feels so magical and there are so many beautiful colours from all the leaves changing colour. Being out in the country and by the sea away from the city and lots of people always made me feel so much better. We went for a long walk on Winchelsea beach and took some photographs.

Telling friends was hard to. I was not sure how to do it first. Some friends new I had been waiting for results so had asked how it went anyway. I didn't want to ring out of the blue to the friends that didn't know. I decided that emailing some was the best way. It would then give them a chance to let it sink in a bit and then call me when they were ready. I hoped they didn't mind me doing it this way.

One of my good friends rang me in tears. She was on holiday and I felt so bad but she was fine and said she was glad she knew. I told people that it was OK to tell other people and would rather them know as it would become obvious anyway at some point. A lot of my friends were amazing and knew exactly how to be and know what to say. Some were a little scared and didn't contact me for a while as they did not know what to say which I understood.

I think when you are in any situation where you have heard terrible news you just want to know that everyone is there for you and cares. Actions speak louder then words after all. Its amazing though when something like this happens and you find out how much people really do care for you and would do anything for you.

Its brought me so much closer to some friends especially ones I'd lost contact with. I have been so lucky and so grateful for all the support i have got already. Even from across the globe! My kiwi friends and an old friend who is in America have been amazing.

I was also worried for my partner as I knew he would need lots of support too. I knew he needed the support not only for himself but so that he could support me too. He's not as open as me and I knew he wouldn't tell anyone for a while so I asked an old friend of his to ring him. His friend has since been amazing and it his brought them closer together after many years.

I was disappointed with some of his friends as a few weren't so forthcoming with the support. I really don't think it takes much even if you don't know what to say just to tell them they are thinking of you and will help out in anyway etc. I really don't know what people are scared of.

On the 23rd I had an appointment to talk to the oncologist to talk about what was going to happen next. I was told on the 18th that I that I could either have chemo first and then the surgery, where I would have a full reconstruction straight away (which didn't seem so bad) or the other way round.

They said having the chemo first was probably the best option but it was up to me. That wasn't to be the case on this day though. I was told I would have to have the surgery first and then the chemo. I asked whether I could have the reconstruction straight away and he told me I couldn't have it until after the radiotherapy because the radiotherapy could ruin it. I did not like hearing that one bit but thought what choice do I have.

I got my blood and chest x-ray results and all was OK. My parents were so relieved as was I but I pretty much knew they would be as did the oncologist, so it did not feel like hearing amazing news. It was not till the end that I asked when I would get a reconstruction and McMillan nurse said 6 months after the radiotherapy. That was a year in total. I broke down in tears, it was more devastating news.

We found out as much as we could for now and we walked out to the car. We walked half way and I broke down and cried like Ive never cried before. It was another huge knock back. This really was my worst nightmare. I didn't think things could be any worse after hearing the news on the 18th but they were. I did not know how I was suppose to cope with not having a breast for a whole year. This did not seem right and did not seem fair. I felt like I had enough to deal with let alone having to emotionally cope with that as well.

I kept imagining having no breast and having a flat left side of my chest with a scar. I thought I would feel like an absolute freak. How would I be able to look at myself in the mirror, how could I ever let Joe see me naked. I would never want him to come near me or touch me. It would destroy our relationship I thought. What would it be like when summer came. I would not be able to go to the beach and wear a bikini or even go down and see other girls in bikinis. I would have to cover myself up and constantly look at over women and probably accuse Joe of looking at other girls.

That's how I really thought I would feel. I'm insecure at the best of times but to have no breast?! There was no way this was happening. I told people and most said to me "Oh its only a year. Its fantastic news about your results though isn't it?" I know they were just trying to be positive but I felt so angry. It was NOT JUST a year! I had good news and bad news that day and the bad news completely took over the good news so I didn't care that my results were good.

I felt so alone, no one was to know how I could be possibly feeling. I actually wanted everyone to be really empathetic and agree that is was totally awful that I was to have to cope with no breast for a year. I started to feel like I was being really vain or spoilt because I was making such a big deal out of this and no body else seemed to think it was that bad and that I should be happy as my results were good. It felt like I needed at least a temporary reconstruction just to help me get through the months ahead which were going to be tough enough. Everyone I seemed to ask said the same thing, that I could not have any type of reconstruction but I was almost not willing to accept this.

I went back to Leicester to where I was going to see all my family for the first time. I felt really sick about going because I thought it would be so emotional. Ive four sisters and we are all quite emotional people so I was prepared for a blub fest! I arrived and it actually wasn't that bad. In fact it was my brother in law that was the first to nearly cry.

It was a really good weekend with hardly any tears and lots of laughter. Its just what I needed. My youngest sister, Liz told me about a girl she worked with had an older sister who had just gone through what I had a year ago and she was the same age. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one. I emailed her telling her about not being able to have a reconstruction. She replied saying she'd had one with no problems.

I can no begin to tell you how happy hearing that made me feel. I instantly felt so relieved, but I still did not understand why I was not being offered one. Leila rang me and we had a good chat. It was the first person I had spoken to that had gone though what I was about too. She was so lovely to talk to and she understood totally where I was coming from and said there was no way she would of been able to cope without the temporary reconstruction and that it really helped her get through the rest of the treatment. I knew I would be speaking to Leila a lot more and was so grateful to her for sharing with me her experience.

A few days later I had my pre op with the surgeon to talk about the surgery. I was ready to go in there all guns blazing and prepared for a bit of a fight to get this temporary reconstruction. The surgeon was so lovely and a lot more compassionate then I'd imagined a surgeon to be. I told him what I wanted and he immediately said yes that is fine. Now THIS was good news!!

I was so surprised! It was such a relief. So they booked me for an appointment to see a plastic surgeon in East Grinstead who was a surgeon for the burns department so I knew he was going to do a fantastic job.

I saw him a few days later but in between this I'd gone on the Internet to find out some information about how a temporary reconstruction was done. There was a website with some photos on and being the curious cat I am had a look. Oh Man! What a bad idea that was. It was horrific! I would advise if anyone is ever unfortunate to be in this position to never ever go looking for info on the net.

The photos must of been very old or something because the reconstruction on these women looked like bodged jobs. I quickly closed the website, walked out the library and rang my mum very upset. My mum said to me "Oh Em don't go there, the photos could just be there for medical purposes and not for people like you to look at." I was hoping she was right but for the rest of day I felt so down and was still convinced I was going to end up looking like a freak.

Meeting the plastic surgeon made me feel more at ease. He explained everything and showed me photos of some reconstructions he had done. And yes they didn't look as half as bad as the ones Id seen on the net. It is actually amazing what they can do these days and I feel so lucky that I was going to be going through this now and not years ago.

Unfortunately he said I was not fat enough (a good thing normally to hear) to have any tissue taken from anywhere to create a more realistic full reconstruction and that I would need implants. I was quite disappointed but If I had had enough fat I would be left with a huge scar on my back or leg so did not like the thought of that anyway. So I was to end up with fake boobs! Not something I can ever say Ive wanted but I had no choice and I thought well at least I'll still have a great set of breasts when I'm a lot older.

I was left feeling confident that he was going to do an amazing job! I had a chat with the breast care nurse about stuff in more detail. I said I was still worried about how I would emotionally deal with things after the surgery and she asked if I wanted to see a psychologist after the surgery. I thought I would defiantly need this.

I was so worried I would not want to show show Joe and let him near me. I did not want to end up pushing him away and destroying our relationship. I knew he was going be very supportive and tell me that I am beautiful and that having my breast removed would not change a thing but that didn't seem to matter to be because its what goes on inside my own head that would be bothering me.

My surgery date was to be on October the 8th. I tried to not think too much about it but obviously there were times were I would. I was so scared. I had never been in hospital before and the thought of waking up in a ward after having had the surgery with other patients who you did not know and probably hadn't had the same done as you was a terrifying prospect.

I thought It was going to be like waking up from a nightmare to find out that that nightmare was real. How could I possibly cope in hospital after having my breast removed and not having your partner or family around you 24/7. I knew I would want to go home straight away and probably cry for days!

Finding a lump

2008-11-21T14:38:00.006Z

I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 months ago at the age of 29. I wanted to start writing a blog to create some awareness for other young women and to be an inspiration to young women who are going through this too. I felt like there was not enough emotional support for me when I found out and was so desperate to find other women in their twenty's going through this too. I am now on a new journey, it might not be pleasant but I'm stuck with it and so have to be optimistic and make something good out of it. I feel very strongly about helping other women and giving them the support they deserve.

You hear about women in their 50's going through this but no one as young as in their 20's. This is why it came as such a shock to me. One moment I had just got back from traveling, moved to Brighton to start a new and exciting life and the next thing I know I have cancer!

I found a lump in my breast about 4 months ago. I only found it because I had a sore nipple. Ive never examined my breasts before and like most people in their 20's I thought I was invincible and would never get cancer. It doesn't run in the family, I'm a vegetarian and eat healthy food. Like most people I always thought things like that don't happen to me.

I very stupidly ignored the lump at first mainly because it was so big, the size of a golf ball in fact! My first reaction was "Oh my god it could be cancer." but looking on the Internet and seeing that it was mainly older women that got breast cancer and that the lumps people found were as small as a pine nut and instantly dismissed it thinking it was some fatty tissue or a cyst.

I didn't bother telling anyone apart from my boyfriend and homeopath (who actually told me to go and see a doctor) but I thought I was being silly or even imagining it and didn't want to go. I continued to ignore it for a month but still in the back of my mind knew I should get it checked out. It wasn't until I moved to Brighton at the end of August that I decided to book myself an appointment with the GP. I really didn't want a male doctor examining me as I'm very shy when it comes to my body, so I booked a female doctor but had to wait for a few days. I wasn't working at the time so had a lot of time to think about things and decided to tell one my my sisters.

I really didn't want to tell anyone especially my mum as I didn't want them worrying. My sister and mum made me go back to the doctors to see someone immediately as she thought this was too important to wait around for. Even my sister was convinced it was just a cyst and she told my mum. I think my mum and sister were actually more worried then I was. So I took myself down and got myself checked out. He referred me to the breast care centre and I had to wait 2 weeks for a scan. I really wasn't worried. My mum and sister rang and text me every day to see if I was OK and I was.

My mum came down and went with me to have the scan. I remembered that I noticed a lump under my arm to so they also looked at that. They said both lumps looked suspicious and had to go back that week for a biopsy and mammogram, but i still wasn't worried at all. It is something of course that is in the back of your mind thinking "shit what if it is cancer." I went back for the biopsy and mammogram. Starting to feel a little more nervous this time but that was because I knew they would be sticking needles in my breast and armpit! They told me I had to wait 3 weeks for the results. My mum kicked up a fuss rightly so and she said OK well I ll have to over book you in 2 weeks time then and you ll be waiting around. A few hours is nothing compared to another week.

So for the next 2 weeks i just got on with my life trying not to think about it. I had my 29th birthday in between and had a great night. I even remember telling one of my friends I was more bothered about losing my bag of vintage clothes while moving then I was about whether I had breast cancer or not!