My new puppies!

Well what a week I have had! I have had my breast reconstruction and am now back home recovering.I was very anxious and excited at the same time about having it done. It was great to think finally I will get my boobs back but I had no idea how they were going to turn out and I had to trust in my surgeon that they would look great! My body was changing again and it was quite a scary feeling.

The recon went very well and I am very pleased with the results. It took me a while to look down at my chest, I was worried I was not going to like what I saw. At first glance in hospital I freaked out because not only was the right breast about twice the size of the left one but they were also pointing side ways rather then straight on. I hated being back in hospital, it brought back all the horrible memories of when I was last in to have my mastectomy. Even though I was in for a positive reason it was still hard. Being in pain, coming round from the anesthetics and being on morphine is a massive cocktail to make anyone feel a little unhappy.

Joe had been with me when I woke up the night before but I was out of it. It was just good him being there. I didn't get any sleep that night. Your checked on every hour and my face was itching like crazy from the morphine but I had to keep pressing that button or I would feel the pain!

The next day my mum arrived. I was so relieved to see her. I was feeling a bit down anyway but we managed to have a laugh, probably because I was so high off the morphine. My good friend Vanessa also came to see me. She is a nurse and is a wonderful person to see when things don't feels so great. I was looking forward to having tea and cake with her when the nurse was a little worried about how much my right breast was draining. She thought that breast was very swollen too and wasn't sure if things were OK so she called a doctor to come have a look. Its hard to remember in what order things happened but I had several doctors, nurses and surgeons having a look at me all with different opinions. Some said I was fine and I was just swollen and some were saying I might have to go back into surgery as it looked like I had a blood clot. This scared me quite a bit and I also really didn't want to go back into surgery but I just wanted to be safe then sorry. It was just so confusing with the conflicting opinions and didn't know whether I was coming or going! One minute I was allowed to eat and drink just in case I was going back into theatre then next minute I was fine to eat!

My nurse was not convinced with the people saying I was OK. Too be honest I didn't feel like things were right either. I was in a lot of pain and discomfort and my right breast was massive! I had been waiting for a surgeon to come round for a while but I had a doctor come round towards the end of the day and he said I was fine and I could start eating again. I felt relieved and ate a banana! Fifteen minutes later the surgeon turned up with 2 others,they all had a look at me and said there was most likely a blood clot and I had to go into surgery as soon as I could. I was so annoyed that the doctor said I was fine and I had eaten a banana as it meant I had to wait until midnight to have the surgery.

I was so anxious about just getting it sorted and waiting around was horrible. Joe said with me until he got kicked out at 10 and I just waited. Pumping myself up with more morphine so I could feel less pain but having to suffer with and itchy face and weird and sometimes horrible images when I shut my eyes. Its like dreaming but being awake and very aware of it. Its the strangest feeling and not that pleasurable!

Midnight arrived and I was still waiting, half an hour passed and they finally took me down to theatre. It felt so strange going in so late. The next think I know I am coming round from the surgery. This time it was horrible! I still had what felt my mouth strapped open and the tube was still down my throat. I could hardly breathe. They pulled the tube out and put some oxygen over my nose I told me to take deep breathes. I felt like I could hardly breathe and wasn't coming round from the anesthetic very quickly. It was as if I had woken up too early as I hadn't had this experience before. I was trying to take deep breathes but could feel my breathing slowing down. I kept thinking, what if I just stop breathing!! It was scary. It took me ages to come round and I felt like absolute shit!

The next day the surgeon came round and told me that I'd had a hematoma and they drained half a pint from my breast. Everyone had been surprised that it had been from my normal breast and not the reconstructed side. I was just glad it was over and I was OK. My boobs looked a bit more normal now which was a relief! I knew I had definitely not asked for the Pamela Anderson look!

They took my catheter out and I had to start getting up and moving around. I had a lot of help which was great as the surgeon said to really take it easy. I got moved quite quickly from step down into my own room. I wasn't sure how I felt about this as it can be quite lonely being on your own. It turned out to be the worst thing for me. I felt like I was getting enough attention and the nurse I had that day as nice as she was seemed a little useless and I just was not getting the help I needed. I was in so much pain and hated using the morphine because of how it was making me feel. I know I needed to take it more but I just needed more help doing things too. That evening I had the most excruciating pain in my right breast. I knew it was a result of not getting enough help and not taking enough morphine.I ended up feeling like I was losing it and finding it hard to stay calm. I was fed up of being in pain and asking for help and not getting it. Having 3 drains and being hooked up to the PCA there were tubes coming out everywhere and it was driving me mad! I have learnt how badly I do cope in hospitals.

The next day I was moved into a ward and things were better again. The morphine was taking away so that was one less thing to be connected too. The drains however were still a pain and hurt the most. Everything was an effort, I was sick and tired of being uncomfortable and only being able to stay in one position in bed. The nights and mornings were the worst. The pain killers were so strong I was actually waking up with a banging headache and felt like complete shit! There was nothing they could do though but offer me more pain killers. The last night I was in hospital I stretched out my legs and felt this tear in my back. It was utterly painful and I shouted out F*CK!!! I normally suffer in silence but that really did deserve a loud F*CK! It felt like I had ripped open my wound on my back but I most have pulled a muscle. I was so annoyed as it was just an added extra bit of pain I did not need.

I was so surprised to hear on the Sunday that I could have all my drains out and go home! I had gone from being fed up to so happy! I knew I would be so much better when I got home. My drains came out, not the most pleasant of feelings and I was able to have a wash! Having a shower felt so good but boy was it hard. I felt like Id ran a marathon after wards and I had to go back and lie down for a while and muster up some energy to get dressed and get my stuff together.

Mum and dad came over and we waited for Joe to come and pick me. I happily said goodbye and thank you to everyone and left. Mum and dad went back to Leicester and Joe took me back to out place. It was a lovely sunny day. It felt so good being back. I felt like I had been away for ever!

I was exhausted and laid on my bed and fell asleep. The next day we picked Mini up my new cat! I have re homed her from my friend who could know longer keep her. It was very upsetting taking her away from someone who loves her dearly but Holly knew Mini would be better of with me and Joe. Mini is my ideal cat, very loving and cuddly. I had always wanted a cat so was very pleased how it turned out. She is now keeping me company while I'm recovering.

I am still in pain and discomfort and the painkillers make me feel sick and drowsy which puts me off taking as many like I did yesterday but then ended up in more pain! I'm hopeless when it comes to drugs. My body and head do not take them very well. Finding a bra was also a nightmare. My mum must have gone into M&S everyday to try and find me the right bra but it was impossible! In the end I had to go myself and find one. The maternity bras seemed the be the best although I wouldn't say I'm 100% comfortable but I guess that's inevitable! I'm finding it hard to wear the bra for 23 hours a day. Its bad enough wearing a bra that long in a normal situation but when you ve just had surgery the last thing you want to wear is a bra!

Joe has taken some time off work to look after me. I tried being on my own on Tuesday but just couldn't do it so he came home from work early. I get quite lonely too and today has been the first day being on my own. I woke up feeling down from the pain and boredom of not being able to do anything which I find so hard! Especially when your home needs a good tidy and clean! Joe is being great and doing as much as he can but he is no domestic goddess, cooking and just being there for me is good enough!

At least the sun is shining, although I think I have had too much sun. I do look like I have been to Spain for a month! I wish!

Besides the pain and boredom I am very happy with the results and feel like I have my boobs back! I just can not wait for the pain to go and not to feel like I have 2 lead weights hanging off my chest. I am dying to get in a bikini although I have been told I have to wear a bra 23 hours a day for 3 months!! Hmmm not sure that's going happen. I am fascinated to see what my scar on my back looks like too. I don't think I will be too bothered about it. I wont see it and in any case the scar tells a story and it is a well worth one at that!