A 'C' word I do like..

Creativity!
I need to start being creative again. I had to give up my dressmaking course in Brighton and was due to start a pattern cutting course in January. It seems so unfair that having cancer has stopped me from doing that. I did start on the last term of a dressmaking course in Leicester when I got back from traveling. I loved it! Apart from my photography I stopped being creative which is criminal if you have talent. Not that I thought I was particularly amazing at anything. I never had the confidence to pursue anything creative I did because I didn't think any of it was good enough. Its awful not believing in yourself. It helps having support and encouragement which I never had much of. School and college wanted me to push my academic subjects. It infuriates me why they don't push you at what your good at and not what your not good at.There are enough academics in the world. The world need creative people too otherwise we would be living in an extremely boring and dull place.

We wouldn't have music to dance to, art to admire, exciting fashion to wear, books to read, films to watch.... need I go on! I'm very disappointed in myself for not ignoring all those who told me to take more academic subjects to keep my options open. What options? What, just in case I want to be a doctor or a lawyer? Yeah right! Because I certainly didn't need A levels to work in a call centre or an office. Was it just the schools and college I went to or is it like that everywhere? I find it shocking that your not pushed at what you excel at. Doesn't it make sense?

I'm a typical struggling creative type, but I don't exactly help myself either. I need a kick up the arse, motivation, encouragement and support. I don't want to use that and school as an excuse anymore though as now its up to me to sort myself out. I hope that when I've gone through this experience that I will have gained some confidence, self esteem and be able to do it all by myself.

I have always been interested in fashion. At a young age apparently I was perfectionist as young as 5! I colour coordinated everything and if my socks didn't match I would go mad. Can't say I'm still like that though!



I used to love going to fancy dress parties so I could design and make my own costumes. That way it didn't matter if my outfit looked outrageous or badly made. I could look as ridiculous as I wanted and no body cared. I remember at high school we had a couple of bin liner fashions shows. We had to design, make, and model our creations. I loved it! I won the first one and came second in the other.

I never wanted to really do a fashion design degree. For one I didn't think I would be good enough and I also hated the superficial and lovey world that went with it. I knew if I was to become a designer I wouldn't want to be designing for today's fashion trends. Ive never followed fashion, I like what I like and I couldn't give a damn if its last season or not. It just so happens that the vintage fashion is very cool and all the decades as far back as the 30's all come back into fashion at some point or other. So I'm sure I do look like I follow trends at some point.

Its great knowing if I cant get my vintage fix that I can turn to the high street store and pick up a cheap imitation throw away dress to keep me going.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I need to start being creative again before my soul starts slowly deteriorating. I need to start painting and drawing again. Ive not done anything really since college and that's because my art teacher put me off. None of us really liked her. I think she was a bitter person. Probably because she didn't make it as an artist so became a teacher and made art students life a misery instead. Its funny how I pursued photography though, my teacher was lovely and always praised me and told me I was good enough to take it further.

Even though I loved fashion I didn't liked taking photos of the material world. I preferred photographing the natural world. I have two sides to me a bit like a yin and yang, a good balance. I love the calmness and beauty of the natural world but also love the exciting and glamorous fashion world. I like to incorporate the two in fact. Bringing nature into fashion and fashion into nature.

I modeled on and off for a few years but never particularly enjoyed it. I found fashions shows nerve racking but incredibly exciting. The photo shoots I did not enjoy so much. I only ever did it because I was told I could. I wanted to give it a go as the glamour and money appealed to me at the time but I never seemed to get on with it. The only time I did was when I was modeling for a friend or a doing shoot in the outdoors. Modeling vintage clothes in the outdoors... now that's when I'm in my element and can model well because I am being me. I was never any good at pretending to be anything else, even if I did struggle being myself. I guess that's why I was quiet. It was easier then trying to be something else I wasn't.




One day I would love my own boutique. Not an easy thing to do especially at the moment with the recession going on. I wouldn't do it for the money or want to be a famous designer. I'd be more then content, being creative and selling my designs to people who loved them. The feeling of seeing someone try on and love something you created would be so satisfying and make me more then happy. I've thought about having an online shop as it is cheaper having no over heads but it seems so impersonal. I like to meet people, help them one to one. I like the tactile nature of having your own boutique. Seeing someone really pleased and feel good about themselves in a new outfit that you have created is what I want.

If I was to own my own boutique I certainly wouldn't be one of these snooty owners either. There is one shop I love as it is full of vintage treasures. I love their stuff but not their staff. I say staff but its pretty much the owner. She makes you feel like you've been dragged in off the streets with no money to spend. I hate how people judge you on your appearance. Even if I had lots of money I would still dress the same. I would just have a wardrobe so huge I could dress and thousand theatre productions. I certainly wont buy there, its over priced anyway.

Anyway I'm digressing again. The good thing about this time right now is that I HAVE time! Its hard to do what you really want to do if you've got to work in a soul destroying job just to get by. You lose your will and your confidence, your not inspired by anything, It can be hard to push yourself especially if your anything your like me!

I don't have to do a job I hate right now and I have time to inspire myself. I can be creative again. After all I was not put on this planet to waste what talent I was given.

I am going to get back on the dressmaking course in Leicester. I'm certainly not going to let this disease take over and stop me from doing the things I love.