I had wasted a whole day in bed recovering from the night before, so only had Christmas eve to finishing making my Christmas presents. The district nurse came round early morning to flush my line and I had the rest of the day to do last minute Christmas sewing, wrapping and shopping. I had bought some Cath Kidston fabric and made purses and bags for all the girls and bought stocking fillers to put inside. By the end of it I was sick of sewing zips, but glad to have got them finished and was great spending time being creative even if I did have fights with the sewing machine!
My niece Evie woke up with spots all over her. We all feared it was chicken pox. My other sister Loo and her family were just getting over the flu and we were worried that we might not have been spending Christmas together. We were all a little worried about me catching something off someone. I rang the chemo nurse to see if It was OK to be around everyone. She said it is impossible to totally avoid it and just not get too close. The fact that I'd had my last chemo 3 weeks ago too was better as my immune system would be at a high and I was less likely to get ill. So we didn't have to be spending it apart after all.
My two younger sisters arrived, a little worse for wear from the night before. In the afternoon I got dragged to a Christingle church service. I am spiritual but not religious and believe in the pagan traditions rather then the christian ones. I could go on about what I think of Christianity but had better not as I might offend some people. I am not one to shove my beliefs in peoples faces either. I must admit I do like Christmas carols and was looking forward to it for that reason but I can not say I enjoyed the service too much.
Christmas day... not quite the same when you get older, its more magical when your little and I guess it becomes magical again when you have your own children. I woke up feeling a little down. I had a bath and washed my hair, more and more hair seems to fall out each time I wash it. I made an effort by dressing up but felt too thin and wished I had my long hair back. I do like my short hair cut, but some days I just wish I could feel more feminine. I must of stayed in my bedroom for 2 hours crying. I hate being around people when I feel miserable and would rather get on with it on my own.
Christmas always seems to be a time to reflect on the past year and if its not been a good one then It tends to all come out around this time. I had been doing so well up until then and was annoyed I was feeling this way, but I couldn't seem to snap myself out of it. The tears kept coming and I didn't think I'd be able to stop. It was inevitable that this Christmas wasn't going to be one of the best, but seeing as I had been coping so well I thought it would be OK. Christmas is always mad in our household with there being so many of us and I just wasn't in the mood to be festive. It was also a time for most of us to chill out from working hard but as I am not working at the moment it was not too different for me. It was the first Christmas in years that we were all together and that was the main thing
It was a typical Christmas day, lots of drinking, eating and opening of presents. I got lots and lots of books which I can not wait to read and best of all I got a compact camera. I have never had one as I have an SLR but really needed a compact one to take with me everywhere. It was a great surprise as did not ask for one and really was not expecting it.
I was really tired and had quite an early night. It was probably the first Christmas that I hadn't drank and stuffed myself full of mince pies and chocolate.
Boxing day I woke up feeling exactly the same. I was not feeling well and was suffering from my yeast infection. I got so upset as I just wanted to eat what I felt like and put on weight in the process. I can not eat what certain food as it is making me ill. I guess being thin and not being able to put on weight is most girls idea of heaven but believe me it really isn't. I enjoy eating especially all the indulgent foods. So its torturous not being able to do that. It seems very unfair that I have to suffer with this as well.
I spoke to Joe a lot over Christmas. He rang me throughout the day to make sure I was OK. It was weird not spending it with him when we had originally planned to spend it together.
Dad got the cine films out and we watched some very old footage. My parents wedding day was great to watch. Lots of flares, big floppy hats and platforms. I said that that was probably how my wedding would look to as a lot of my friends dress like that now. I would actually love my wedding day to be filmed with a cine film camera.
We had done a secret santa that wasn't so secret as mum let out the she was mine. Everyone seemed to get good presents, I was more then happy with a pictorial biography of Johnny Depp! I had also got Heath Ledgers biography for Christmas, so was looking forward to a night in with my two favourite men!
We ended the night watching a really old black and white 40's film, The Ghost train, appearing Arther Askey. An absolute classic! We all love the old English accents in it and I also love the way the dressed back then, so elegant and stylish. We have watched it every year since we were kids. A film that you can never tire off.
It was a bitterly cold day on the Saturday. I was dying to get out of the house, and what might have seemed a crazy idea turned out to be successful...... shopping!! I am not normally one for wanting to hit the sale madness but it was an excuse to get out all day. I didn't bother too much with the sales but still managed to get some bargains. The vintage purchases being my favourite as usual! I did rather well and the retail therapy once again worked wonders!
That evening I was going to a friends party. I was trying on my new clothes when the lights went out. We had a power cut, the whole street and gone down too. We lit some candles and tried to get ready in the dimly lit light. The lights eventually came back on much to every one's dismay (apart from me). Everyone seemed to be enjoying the cosy candle lit atmosphere.
My little sister and I headed off to the party. There were three old school friends, two of them which I had not seen since I was 16. My poor little sister wasn't feeling too well and ended up being sick so we left early. We had planned to go to another party but my mum and dad weren't feeling too well either so Liz and I met a couple of old friends in town for a bit.
We went to the Orange tree, a pub that used to be my regular. It had been a long time since I had been there and really enjoyed it. I bumped into more people that I hadn't seen in years. I was enjoying seeing old faces again. I could of easily stayed out all night, drank and then gone onto a club and danced all night. Going there made me realise how much I missed going out and socialising. It was going to be a while until I could do that again though.
We went home early as Liz was still feeling sick and the poor little thing, even though being the only sober one on the street, was throwing up like she had been downing shots of zambuca!
Still buzzing, it took me a while to get to sleep. I woke up feeling a little worse for wear. I was supposed to be photographing my uncles' band today but I didn't think driving for the first time in 2 years was a wise idea. Instead it has been a very lazy day!
Joe is coming up tomorrow evening. I'm hoping it wont be too upsetting seeing him again. I have my chemo on new years eve, something I'm not looking forward too. I will be half way there after this next one, but will be starting on the TAX. That one is worse then the FEC and I think things will only get worse from then. My hair will fall out and I may feel more nauseous and tired. I feel and look like I am not going through a battle with cancer at the moment and the next step will make it feel that more real. The physical aspect of it will be more obvious to people. I do hope I manage to cope as well as I have done already. I am prepared for a lot more low points.
I hope you all have a great new years eve and that the new year brings you peace and happiness. I am hoping 2009 has plenty of good things coming my way. I will be turning 30 next year and have a feeling being in my 30's will be an exciting new chapter for me.
My niece Evie woke up with spots all over her. We all feared it was chicken pox. My other sister Loo and her family were just getting over the flu and we were worried that we might not have been spending Christmas together. We were all a little worried about me catching something off someone. I rang the chemo nurse to see if It was OK to be around everyone. She said it is impossible to totally avoid it and just not get too close. The fact that I'd had my last chemo 3 weeks ago too was better as my immune system would be at a high and I was less likely to get ill. So we didn't have to be spending it apart after all.
My two younger sisters arrived, a little worse for wear from the night before. In the afternoon I got dragged to a Christingle church service. I am spiritual but not religious and believe in the pagan traditions rather then the christian ones. I could go on about what I think of Christianity but had better not as I might offend some people. I am not one to shove my beliefs in peoples faces either. I must admit I do like Christmas carols and was looking forward to it for that reason but I can not say I enjoyed the service too much.
Christmas day... not quite the same when you get older, its more magical when your little and I guess it becomes magical again when you have your own children. I woke up feeling a little down. I had a bath and washed my hair, more and more hair seems to fall out each time I wash it. I made an effort by dressing up but felt too thin and wished I had my long hair back. I do like my short hair cut, but some days I just wish I could feel more feminine. I must of stayed in my bedroom for 2 hours crying. I hate being around people when I feel miserable and would rather get on with it on my own.
Christmas always seems to be a time to reflect on the past year and if its not been a good one then It tends to all come out around this time. I had been doing so well up until then and was annoyed I was feeling this way, but I couldn't seem to snap myself out of it. The tears kept coming and I didn't think I'd be able to stop. It was inevitable that this Christmas wasn't going to be one of the best, but seeing as I had been coping so well I thought it would be OK. Christmas is always mad in our household with there being so many of us and I just wasn't in the mood to be festive. It was also a time for most of us to chill out from working hard but as I am not working at the moment it was not too different for me. It was the first Christmas in years that we were all together and that was the main thing
It was a typical Christmas day, lots of drinking, eating and opening of presents. I got lots and lots of books which I can not wait to read and best of all I got a compact camera. I have never had one as I have an SLR but really needed a compact one to take with me everywhere. It was a great surprise as did not ask for one and really was not expecting it.
I was really tired and had quite an early night. It was probably the first Christmas that I hadn't drank and stuffed myself full of mince pies and chocolate.
Boxing day I woke up feeling exactly the same. I was not feeling well and was suffering from my yeast infection. I got so upset as I just wanted to eat what I felt like and put on weight in the process. I can not eat what certain food as it is making me ill. I guess being thin and not being able to put on weight is most girls idea of heaven but believe me it really isn't. I enjoy eating especially all the indulgent foods. So its torturous not being able to do that. It seems very unfair that I have to suffer with this as well.
I spoke to Joe a lot over Christmas. He rang me throughout the day to make sure I was OK. It was weird not spending it with him when we had originally planned to spend it together.
Dad got the cine films out and we watched some very old footage. My parents wedding day was great to watch. Lots of flares, big floppy hats and platforms. I said that that was probably how my wedding would look to as a lot of my friends dress like that now. I would actually love my wedding day to be filmed with a cine film camera.
We had done a secret santa that wasn't so secret as mum let out the she was mine. Everyone seemed to get good presents, I was more then happy with a pictorial biography of Johnny Depp! I had also got Heath Ledgers biography for Christmas, so was looking forward to a night in with my two favourite men!
We ended the night watching a really old black and white 40's film, The Ghost train, appearing Arther Askey. An absolute classic! We all love the old English accents in it and I also love the way the dressed back then, so elegant and stylish. We have watched it every year since we were kids. A film that you can never tire off.
It was a bitterly cold day on the Saturday. I was dying to get out of the house, and what might have seemed a crazy idea turned out to be successful...... shopping!! I am not normally one for wanting to hit the sale madness but it was an excuse to get out all day. I didn't bother too much with the sales but still managed to get some bargains. The vintage purchases being my favourite as usual! I did rather well and the retail therapy once again worked wonders!
That evening I was going to a friends party. I was trying on my new clothes when the lights went out. We had a power cut, the whole street and gone down too. We lit some candles and tried to get ready in the dimly lit light. The lights eventually came back on much to every one's dismay (apart from me). Everyone seemed to be enjoying the cosy candle lit atmosphere.
My little sister and I headed off to the party. There were three old school friends, two of them which I had not seen since I was 16. My poor little sister wasn't feeling too well and ended up being sick so we left early. We had planned to go to another party but my mum and dad weren't feeling too well either so Liz and I met a couple of old friends in town for a bit.
We went to the Orange tree, a pub that used to be my regular. It had been a long time since I had been there and really enjoyed it. I bumped into more people that I hadn't seen in years. I was enjoying seeing old faces again. I could of easily stayed out all night, drank and then gone onto a club and danced all night. Going there made me realise how much I missed going out and socialising. It was going to be a while until I could do that again though.
We went home early as Liz was still feeling sick and the poor little thing, even though being the only sober one on the street, was throwing up like she had been downing shots of zambuca!
Still buzzing, it took me a while to get to sleep. I woke up feeling a little worse for wear. I was supposed to be photographing my uncles' band today but I didn't think driving for the first time in 2 years was a wise idea. Instead it has been a very lazy day!
Joe is coming up tomorrow evening. I'm hoping it wont be too upsetting seeing him again. I have my chemo on new years eve, something I'm not looking forward too. I will be half way there after this next one, but will be starting on the TAX. That one is worse then the FEC and I think things will only get worse from then. My hair will fall out and I may feel more nauseous and tired. I feel and look like I am not going through a battle with cancer at the moment and the next step will make it feel that more real. The physical aspect of it will be more obvious to people. I do hope I manage to cope as well as I have done already. I am prepared for a lot more low points.
I hope you all have a great new years eve and that the new year brings you peace and happiness. I am hoping 2009 has plenty of good things coming my way. I will be turning 30 next year and have a feeling being in my 30's will be an exciting new chapter for me.
Comments
Your blog is informative and inspiring. It's so wonderful that you make gifts for your family, even tho you're feeling down. To me, that takes great courage.
I'm glad that you continue to express your unique creative thoughts as you experience this tough time in your life.
You know maybe it's wishful thinking, apart from you being so skinny, it is so easy to forget you have breast cancer!(Although I don't think of you having breast cancer anymore - it's gone - removed - it's the awful chemo now!)Halfway there now.
You do so well and look so beautiful - we love you xxxx
Tomorrow is 2 weeks since my transplant. I am on loads and loads of immune suppressants at the moment. They have raised my blood sugar so that I've had to give myself insulin injections 4x a day. Ho hum. It just keeps going and going, you know what I mean.
Be good to yourself sweetie,
xo
Wendy
I also have breast cancer and have been fighting the disease for two years now. I was 25 when I was diagnosed and to find that it had already spread to both my lymph nodes and into my liver was life destroying.
I write this comment to you to say please never give up. Life is shit. Fact. You are the only person who can beat this horrible disease. I still go to work, I still go out with my friends and still make sure I get very merry! I just keep going. For myself and no one else. I want to live and still be around in ten years time.
I think it is brilliant what you are doing, sharing your experience with us. The awareness is the most important thing for us young women as some still do not think it is possible to get breast cancer so young. I was one of them.
Keep strong and keep smiling! xx
Claire, Derbys x