This photo was taken in New Zealand. Joe made me climb up this huge mountain with him. I'm not scared of heights but doubted my ability to climb it and was a little scared. It seemed a long way up but I eventually got there. At the top I was very scared as it was very steep, and I was frightened about falling. I know coming down was going to be just as scary. I climbed down, slightly fearful not knowing if I was going to fall. I didn't, I got back down safely. It felt good to be down. I'd achieved something I was not sure I was capable off as well as being fearful.... but I did it!
This is a bit how battling cancer feels. Its a bit scary and you do not know what to expect but you know you will get through it the other side, feeling very good about yourself, proud of how you coped and what you have achieved.
Apart from cancer the other dreaded C word has to be chemotherapy. The word chemo to me as to probably many people has bad connotations attached to it.
I will never forget a film I watched years ago about a woman that was terminally ill with cancer. There were scenes of her having chemo. She was in a dark depressing room, playing classical music.The director had done a good job to make the scene as atmospherically bleak as possible. She was given her chemo and would then be quiet violently sick. I have no idea what film it was and can not remember any other scenes from the film but the scenes of her having chemo always stuck with me. I assumed this is what it was like. I guess it would have been like this many years ago too. Luckily things develop so often that chemo is a lot easier for many people.
It was THE part I really was dreading. It was all so unknown to how I was going to feel after each one, which makes the anticipation even worse. Know one could tell me how I was going to feel. I was told that it is such an individual reaction that you could only wait and see. There was not much point talking to people who had had chemo before or looking up all the awful side effects as there was a chance you would react completely different. Naturally at first I did ask people and I did look up the side effects of chemo, of which all are very unpleasant but it does not mean you are going to get them all.
I was told I could either find chemo a breeze, suffer terribly or react like most people which is in between both extremes. I spoke to some women who said they felt OK on the day of chemo and were ill for a week after or did not react until a quite a few days later. I was not to know how I was going to be which made my decision as to whether to stay in Brighton or go back home to my parents even harder.
I knew going home to my parents would be a better option for me having more care but I felt like I wanted to go through the next treatment with Joe. I was so torn and could not get any advice to help me make my decision any easier. I loved being in Brighton and had always hated Leicester, the pros and cons seemed so equally split. After much deliberation I decided in the end to stay in Brighton. I arranged to have my chemo on a Friday, Joe would have the Friday off and we would have the weekend together. If I was still ill I my mum could then come down and look after me. This seemed a good idea.
Before I started chemo I was a little worried about how I was going to keep my spirits up. I had spoken to a couple of people who went on anti depressants which helped them by taking the edge of things. I have always been against anti depressants but when I saw my doctor she was very convincing in telling me that they would be a great idea. She told me she was a fan of them and did not see the harm on going on them. She told me she thought I should go on them and to start before the chemo. I was still so unsure but took the prescription anyway and tool one that evening.
Well I have to say that was one of the worst evenings I'd had in a long time. I could not sleep, I felt anxious, and went so deep under in depression it was too much to bare. It was like taking a really bad ecstasy pill or having a very bad come down off one. I did not know what to do. There was not much I could do. I got up and rang my friend and we spoke for an hour to try and take my mind off how terrible I was feeling. I eventually went to bed and managed to get to sleep. I woke up in the morning feeling no different. I had to get Joe to come home from work to be with me. It eventually passed.
The only good thing that came out of that experience was that I realised I really did not need anti depressants to get through the next stage. I had got through the surgery without them for a start. I was annoyed I had even doubted my own strength. After all I had got this far in life without them so why would I need to start needing them now! I get annoyed when doctors fob you off with anti depressants. I am sure they are good and help some people at certain times in their life's but I think a lot of people doubt their own strength. I do not think you should suppress your feelings completely, they are there for a reason. How are we suppose to experience light with out darkness in our life's too.
My first chemo session arrived. I was prepared as much as I could be. Everyone who works on the chemo ward make you feel so at ease and comfortable. Its nothing like you expect either. I sat down in a big chair and the nurse went through absolutely everything. To start of with I had the cold cap. Its a big ugly plastic frozen cap attached to a machine that keeps it frozen. Another thing is also put on top (which is bright pink, not my colour at all) this feels like you've got a riding hat on. This is to make sure the cap is tight and is touching your scalp. At first its freezing!! Your head goes numb after a while and you forget you've got it on, except if your boyfriends taking photos of you and laughing at your expense! I did not get an 'ice cream headache' which I told I might experience.
I would recommend anyone who is going to have chemo to give the cold cap a go. You have got nothing to lose! Apart from your hair of course, if your unlucky. I know I will eventually lose my hair when I'm on my second lot of chemo but I thought it would be nice to try and keep it for Christmas! I was told to cut my hair shoulder length before the cold cap too, which I very begrudgingly did. The only down side to the chemo is that your in there for longer. You have to have the cap on for an hour before and after.
So as I did not yet have the PICC line in I had to have a needle so they could inject the chemo. As usual my veins ran away and it was a struggle to get the cannula in. The nurse finally got it and she started to inject the chemo. It was not nice I must admit. It irritated my veins, feeling prickly and itchy, It felt very invasive. This made it all seem so real and I started to cry. It does not take long and they then start giving you anti sickness injections, of which one makes your nose tickle and for a second you feel like you've sat on a hair brush. Ouch!
I was glad when it was all over, we waited an hour for the cold cap to come off. When the nurse attempted to take it off it nearly ripped my hair out, kinda defeats the object! So I had to wait for it to thaw out.
It was not until I got home that I started to feel sick. I was stocked up with plenty of anti sickness tablets. Joe got the sofa bed out and we laid in the front room watching DVDs. Feeling nauseous IS the worst part. The only way I can describe it is like having the worst hangover you have ever had only without the great night out you had before. My anti sickness tablets include steroids which unfortunately causes insomnia with me. Not exactly what you need when your feeling sick.
I woke up the next day feeling better but took it easy and stayed in. The next morning I woke up with a blanket of depression hanging over me. This I could not deal with. I recognised it straight away and rang a friend and met her in town. This did the trick. I needed to snap out of it quick rather then wallowing in it. You can not let it take over, it is SO important to keep your spirits up as much as possible or the whole thing can bring you crumbling down.
On the Monday I was still not myself. I was glad I was not as bad as the day of the chemo but could not seem to relax. I woke up depressed again. It probably did not help being on my own. I could not eat either and knew I needed too. Trying to force yourself to eat when you feel sick is just awful. A good tip I found out was to distract yourself when eating, something your not meant to do to stop you from overeating. I felt so weak and sick and there did not seem like I could do anything about it. I knew I needed someone to be around to help. Just the thought of making myself something to eat seemed like such an effort.
I decided I needed to go home and be around people and to have someone (ie my mum) to look after me. The next day I waited for the district nurse to come round before catching a train home. The nurse had to come round to give me an injection which I have for 5 days. The injections are for your bone marrow and to boost your white blood cells.
After she had gone I went to catch a train home. Just my luck.... all the trains to London were cancelled because of some signal faults. What is wrong with this country, the slightest thing goes wrong and everything turns to pandemonium! I waited a while for the next available train during this time I got a really bad headache. I knew this was one of the side effects from the injections.
The train journey was a long hard ride back home. My head was pounding! I eventually got home and feeling like utter crap. By the end of the night my bones started to ache. The nurse told me I might feel fluy but I thought there was no way I could cope with this after my chemo for 5 days. I tried to find out more about the injections. Most people did not seem to react quiet as badly as me. I think I am just unlucky or maybe my body was in shock from another new drug. I was sick of taking more drugs from the side effects of other drugs. It seemed never ending!
I was too scared to take the injection the next day as I had woken up in the middle of the night, my head feeling like It was going to explode! I realised that these injections were incredibly important and was worth going through some pain if it was to stop be ending up in hospital with an infection.
I took the rest and each day was different. My dad gave me the rest of the injections. What a lovely wake up call, your dad stabbing you in the leg!! My mum went outside so she could not hear the screams. I was impressed that he had not hurt me the first time... it went down hill from there though.
Each day was different, one day I got a headache the next my bones ached. I got up from sitting down my hips were stiff and achy... I think I now know whats its like to be 80 years old!
This is the first blog that is has been quiet hard to write. The chemo is not over and I still dread every one even though its not as bad as I thought It was going to be. So far I am very lucky with how I am feel after each one. It has not been anywhere near as bad as I thought I was going to feel. I DO hate the nausea and find that hard to deal with but knew I would defiantly experience that part. I feel nauseous thinking about feeling nauseous. I have been told that each chemo session I could feel differently and that the second lot of chemo is going to be tougher.
Two down and four to go though, nearly half way feels good.
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