When it rains it F ing pours!

Well I think the title of this post says it all really. The last three days have been the most distressing since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd had a lovely night out on the Friday with my friends. Joe and I went back home fairly early and started to talk. This ended up in a huge argument which carried on the next day. Both being fire signs, we threw fire balls at each other and said a lot of hurtful things. It ended up with us splitting up. We have done this many times before but always got back together. Unfortunately this time its for the best, for now anyway at least.

I can not go into details obviously, but one of the reasons for our split this cliche sums up quite well, "You can not love any one else until you learn to love yourself." No argument is pleasant but this one was particularly horrible. You can not just switch your feelings off either. It was not exactly good timing but for the moment its for the best. I will be having the rest of my treatment up in Leicester which I had actually already decided to do before we finished.

It is so important to keep your spirits up and to have plenty of people around you. It will be bliss not to have to worry about any housework too! Getting a cup of tea in bed in the morning pretty good also! I get too lonely at home as Joe works long and hard hours to keep us living in the flat we are in. I felt like this was an unnecessary financial strain for him to be under so we had decided to give up the flat anyway.

No relationship at the age we are at should have to go though what Joe and I are going through and I think its harder when your not totally settled from traveling, and still in debt from it as well as uni makes it even tougher. I can imagine if your married with kids and have a stable life things would be slightly easier. I guess only slightly though as I could not imagine having children to look after too, but at least its something to focus on and keeps your life feel fairly normal.

My life has been far from normal and wasn't normal when I was diagnosed as had not long got back from traveling, moved to a new city and had only just started a temping job. So when my McMillan nurse advised me to stay down here to keep my life as normal as possible, I thought that was quite funny!

So... I have been staying at my modette friend Katie's flat in Kemp town. She is a great person to be around as she is mad as a march hare! She also has the coolist 60's pad, so I feel right at home there!! I also have some very good friends, Plum-alishous and Loo Loo the elven princess living up the road who are doubly as mad. So as you can see I am being looked after by some great people.

Sunday night I was finding it hard to sleep. My arm with my PICC line in started to itch. I am an itchy sort of person anyway, particularly when I'm stressed. My PICC line is covered in sticky plastic so is bound to get a bit hot and irritable too. I was up till 4 in the morning on the bathroom floor crying and scratching my arm. I started to peel away the plastic and wanted to rip the whole thing off as it was pissing me off that much. Its another constant reminder of what I'm going through and do hate having it at the moment but Im sure I'll get used to it like I have my tempoary breast. I know it is worth it to save my veins too.

The next day I saw that my PICC line was bleeding quite a bit and because I had peeled off a lot of the plastic it was starting to leak so knew I had to go to the hospital to get it sorted. Luckily the hospital is up the road.

I went for a shower and washed my hair. What I had been dreading the most started to happen..... I was starting to lose my hair. It was so distressing, every time I put my hands threw my hair to wash the shampoo out little clumps of hair were falling out.

It is bad timing for this to start happening. I was on my own, just split from my boyfriend and my PICC line was bleeding. It could not of got any worse. I did not even wash all the shampoo out as I just could not take seeing my hair come out with such ease into my hands. I rang my friend in tears and she rushed down.

I knew this was going to happen at some point but I really do not think you can be mentally prepared for this. I think it is just as much as a shock as if you did not know it was going to happen. I knew the day would come but did not think it would happen so soon, especially as I used the cold cap. I'm sure the stress from the weekend would not have helped though. Losing your hair I feel is the worst part of this whole experience. Strangely even more so then losing your breast as it is more visible to others.

My friend Plum came over and we went off to the hospital and I got my PICC line sorted. We then went and had a cup of tea and put the world to rights!

I was so exhausted and chilled out in front of the TV on my own last night. Joe and I spoke and it seems like we can continue being friends. He said he still wants to be there for me through this as much as he can be. It feels a lot better now we are talking and not shouting at each other. Despite moving back to Leicester I do not want to lose touch with Brighton at all and will come down regularly when I feel up to. I will miss Joe and my barking mad girlfriends!

Jen is coming down from London tonight to cut my hair very short. I have always loved Mia Farrow so this is the look I am going to go for! I could not bring myself to wash my hair this morning. I woke up with lots of hair on my pillow and I only have to touch my head and have lots of hair in my hands. I have put a scarf on my head today. I have actually never worn one on my head before.

I spoke to my McMillan nurse this morning. I told her what was going on. She said she always wonders what I'm going to say as every time I call as things always seem to change. I told her that is this story of my life and that I could write a book. I also said to her "Well when it rains it f***ing pours!" She laughed and said "I'm going to use that expression but without the f word perhaps."


*******While I have been sitting in the cafe writing this blog I could not help but over hear some people sitting near to me talking about McMillan nurses and being in hospital. I had to say something as it appeared this young girl was going through something similar to me. I was right, this beautiful girl had been diagnosed with cancer and had been in hospital for a hysterectomy at the very young age of 24. She felt the same way as me about not having enough support for our age group. I gave her my link to my blog which I hope she finds helpful. She is finding out whether she has to have chemo tomorrow...... so Good luck Catherine! (sorry if I have spelt your name wrong)**********