Winter is apon us.....

.... because the starlings are flocking. Saturday afternoon we went down to the burnt down pier and watched the starlings flock. It is the most dazzling natural display I think there is to see. A huge murmuration of starlings gather together and put on THE most amazing spectacle of shapes before thousands of them tunnel down on to the pier to roost. If you can find out where you can see this in your area DO check it out! Its beautiful to watch these birds in dusk forming shapes and light in such an eloquent fashion.

The last week has been very emotional. I went back to the flat last Wednesday night because my district nurse was coming over the next morning to flush my PICC line. I knew it was going to be painful seeing Joe after the turbulent weekend we'd had together. That evening was extremely emotional to say the least. It was hard not to act like we were a couple again. Naturally we did. There were a lot of tears that evening. We knew we were doing the right thing for both of us but It didn't mean it made it any easier. We had a good chat about every thing and I was so pleased that we agreed on the reasons for going our separate ways. I think its great that we both recognised that there was a problem, instead of battling on and ending up hating each other. We are the best est of friends and know each other so well that I'm sure we can stay friends. Who knows what the future holds!

I woke up extremely tired and puffy eyed. The nurse came round and flushed my line and changed my dressing. My arm was defiantly reacting to the dressings and had gone very red and lumpy. For the res oft the day I chilled out. Joe took me back to Katie's flat that evening. My friend gave me a call to see if I wanted to see her boyfriend in his band. I felt very tired and was not particularly in the mood but wanted to take every opportunity I could to go out so I had a glass of wine to perk me up. It did the trick!

Walking through Kemp town which is the gay area of Brighton I was getting a lot of looks from passers by. Hoping they were stares of attraction I was flattered, but started to get worried when gay men were looking at me. I turned to Katie and said 'God I hope they are not mistaking me for a young pretty boy!' Haha!

It was a lovely evening and had a couple more white wines. I did not feel drunk, (those who know me know I'm a hardcore drinker, hehe) but boy did I have a cracking headache the next morning. Not such a good thing when you've chemo that day. So in effect I was hungover and feeling shit before the chemo had even started and had a hangover for 4 days! I won't be doing that again.

My friend Plum took me down to the hospital and stopped with me for a while. It was SO brave of her to come with me as she is a very squeamish person. I am very grateful for her coming. I'm going to be brief about the next bit because its already making me feel sick thinking about it!! I had the sweetest male nurse who funnily enough is from Leicestershire! Leicester folk are every where, you cant escape em!

He was adorable and really made my session as comfortable as possible. The chemo hit me stronger this time as it had gone through my line which hit my chest straight away. I instantly felt queasy. The nurse sensed it straight away and asked if I was OK which was lovely as I'm the sort of person that just wouldn't say anything. He gave me a new anti sickness which had only been available 2 months previous.

The nurse also changed my dressing again as my arm was really reacting to all the plastic and sticky stuff. This was Plums queue to leave! She did very well to stay with me for as long as she did. Joe was with me for the rest of the session and took me home. As usual I started to feel very sick but seemed to be more restless this time and couldn't get comfortable. It wasn't a pleasant night.

The next day I got up and met Katie. There was a vintage day on at the local Oxfam. Wild horses wouldn't stop me from going to a vintage day. Unfortunately the dealers had got there early and were nabbing the best stuff. I did manage to find a few bargains, my favourite being an original 70's Black Sabbath baseball top, it rocks!! We went for a tea and pancakes and Ethel's kitchen, my favourite tea rooms. I even managed to head into town to get a few bits for Christmas.

I might of over done it slightly but I felt it was better being out, distracting myself from feeling crap. That evening Joe and I headed over to Hastings to see his folks. I had not seen them for a while. It was good to see them, the cats and the dogs! Joe's folks have been so good to me. Its been like having a second set of parents. I woke up the next morning feeling depressed, I figured this was how it was going to be each time after the chemo. Its not nice to feel so down but at least I can recognise why I am and can snap out of it.

That evening we headed back home. One of my favorite childhood films was on that night, Home Alone. We were too late getting back and missed it so we spent nearly an hour going round all the DVD shops in Brighton trying to find it. Bless Joe, he really wanted to find it for me and he ended up buying the 4 disc box set. We had a cosy night in watching Home alone and drank some mulled wine. Every thing felt so lovely and perfect. This made me feel sad. It was great that our last night together was ending on high but I felt sad that this was the end.

The next morning I woke up with an excruciating headache (probably the mulled wine, I'll never learn). Joe didn't go to work and he looked after me by getting me cold wet flannels to put on my head. I felt rotten and knew leaving was going to be difficult and emotional. I sorted my stuff out and my dad came down to take me up to Leicester. I hate goodbyes and did not want to drag it out so made it as quick an easy as possible. I was not sad about leaving the flat which I was really glad about. I think there are too many associations with the cancer and the flat now so I didn't get attached to it luckily. Although I am a bit of a gypo anyway so moving about is nothing new to me.

The journey felt long and tiring. I was still feeling a little sick, I just wanted to be home. We arrived and It felt so good to walk in to a warm friendly home and see my mum!