Today I went for my seventh yearly oncologist appointment. I am never usually nervous about the yearly check up. If anything I feel happy that i have this appointment with my oncologist as it is comforting and reassuring to know from an expert that all is ok rather then just relying on my own examinations.
I have been having a few aches and pains recently but havent been too worried about it as regards to it being cancer and am pretty sure its something to do with my implants. I have noticed that they dont feel quite right and have changed in shape in the last six months. Im obviously concerned about why they hurt though and need to see my plastic surgeon. I dont think my body likes these alien objects being in there and have had trouble with them from the beginning. I mentioned to the oncologist about the pains and he said they could be muscular but isn't an expert in that department so its best I see my surgeon. Annoyingly I may not be able to see my surgeon up in Leicester because I now live back in Hastings and I am discharged from my surgeon up here. This is frustrating because I loved my plastic surgeon and he knows my boobs so it makes total sense that I get seen by him again but as the oncologist says its bureaucracy.
So after my examination my oncologist was happy and didn't feel any lumps or bumps which was great news! He then told me I was now discharged from the department which again is good news but left me feeling emotional. As I said earlier these yearly check ups leave me feeling reassured that I am ok and cancer free. He could see I was getting upset and seemed surprised and he asked me why. Of course I was happy I told him but its also quite a big deal for me and I explained that getting his examination was more reassuring then my own.
I remember when I finished all my treatment six years ago. It was a whirlwind from start to finish of treatment and appointments and examinations from the moment you are diagnosed to the last treatment session. The last oncologist appointment after my chemo and radiotherapy was also emotional for me. You feel a little lost and left to your own devices which is very scary after having so much fuss and attention from doctors and surgeons. I felt I was spat back out into the real world after being in a bubble of a world of cancer. Your life for a while is hospitals and doctors and surgery and treatment and concentrating on staying healthy and well and not getting sick. You have attention and fuss pretty much 24/7 7 days a week. Then one day it all ends. Your ok, no chemo, radiotherapy, no regular check ups, no doctors and surgeons, your in remission and no cancer! This of course is fantastic and I did go leaping and jumping back into the real world again and moved back to Brighton and got a job and carried on as normal.
So physically you might be left OK but emotionally?? Well this is where the problems can lie. I was so happy to finish my treatment and to be cancer free but two years after I was diagnosed I felt myself slump into a depression. My life had been crazy even after my treatment ended. I moved back to Brighton got a new job, met new friends, saved to go to California for my 30th, got involved in some breast cancer charity events and got onto a fashion and costume design course and after all this my life started to quiten down. This is when I realised I hadn't dealt with a lot of what had happened emotionally and that I probably needed a lot more emotional support during all my treatment and surgery.
I will never forget the week I was in hospital after my mastectomy. I was in tears everyday. I was suppose to see a breast cancer nurse but no one came over to me the whole time I was there. Nurses assumed I was in pain. Well I was in physical pain but it was the emotional trauma of losing my breast that was worse for me. my emotions seemed to get ignored throughout the whole process. Maybe I should have asked for support but I also think it should have offered to me. Yes I was told about support groups and online chat rooms but I found myself talking to ladies who were 10 and 20 years older then me and who I could not relate too and all everybody did was swap experiences and compare notes. It helped in some ways to find information from other ladies about certain things but I needed professional emotional help.
So I went to the doctors and they put me on anti depressants and referred me CBT. I have always been against anti depressants and was offered them before I started my chemo even though I didn't go to the doctors with depression. She just assumed I would need them. This I thought was terrible of her to do and I told her I didn't need them and had got this far in life with depression without them so why would I need them now! This time though I felt like I just needed a break from all the shit in my head that was making me depressed. I've always suffered slightly from depression anyway and I dont think we deal with mental illness very well and seriously enough in this country. I also have not helped myself by not talking about my problems and I used to bottle everything up which I do feel now contributed to my cancer and my urine infections (which i also believe to be a psychosomatic)
So I started the anti depressions which lifted me out of this dark hole I was in and started CBT. I was on a very low dose and I still found myself crying a lot. I'd go to my CBT sessions in tears and found myself filling in forms and going home with more forms to fill in and this continued. I didn't see how this was helping and just ended the sessions and that was that. Two and half years later I decided to come off the anti depressants. I was off the tamoxifen and a new chapter in my life was beginning and felt happier and therefore thought I could come off them and I would be ok. I decided to ween myself off them while I was in Asia. I thought this would be a good idea as after all who could get depressed traveling around asia for 3 months. I came back and spent the summer in Hastings, moved to london in September to start a new life and then BANG, out of no where the depression hit me again this time with a vengeance I had obviously not dealt with my problems some being deep routed ones and others more recent including having cancer.
I realised all that I had been doing during this time was trying to distract myself from the demons in my head. This is something I have always been very good at. Trying to run away from them is what I excel at but of course you can not run away from yourself and your emotional problems do not disappear. For the first time this year I have finally stopped running. It actually feels a huge relief. I've resisted going back on anti depressants as I now realise they were not a solution and in a way only made it worse and delayed the healing process even longer. I have my first counselling session next week. Something I should have had years ago and been offered to me and would have been far more productive then anti depressants. I am looking forward to talking about stuff and finally putting it all to rest and behind me.
This year I joined a young persons panel with a fantastic new charity called Trekstock. Sophie the founder and CEO of the charity realised after her friend having cancer that there was very little emotional support for young adults during and after cancer. There is a great emphasis on children and teenage cancer and then from the age of about 40 plus. Its an age gap that seems to be forgotten about.
After reading that Treckstock were looking for more people to join their panel I jumped at the chance and applied. I felt so passionate about this as having been a young adult who has had cancer and also felt there was a lack of support I really wanted to help. After slumping into a massive depression which I suppose you could also call post traumatic stress I now feel it is so important to talk more about the emotional side of cancer as well as the physical. It can be a very lonely journey to be on and if like me you are a person who tends to suffer in silence and bottle things up then you need that extra push to go and actually get the support and help you need. We shouldn't be ashamed of mental illness and depression and we should not suffer alone. It is so important that we get the help and support we need to help us lead normal life again.
I feel like my cancer journey has taken a lot longer then it needed to and if I'd had that emotional support from the beginning then I may still not be suffering with depression now. I am now on a journey of self healing and slowly but surely believe I am getting there. I've discovered and learnt a lot about myself in the last two years and in some ways counselled myself and also have been lucky enough to open up to certain people about things that have happened to me that effect me emotionally today. I was also lucky enough to meet someone who gave me the opportunity to take some time out from the real world and retreat by the sea in a beautiful house for the summer where I did yoga, go on beach walks and bike rides and hang out with friends.
Maybe the emotional journey never really ends and it is an on going thing but it is so important to not let it build up and fester inside which then causes you to get physically ill or just more and more emotionally unwell and stopping you from leading a normal life and having normal and healthy relationships with your friends, family and partner.
I am not ashamed to admit I suffer from depression and no body should and you should not feel you are alone and can not get the help you deserve. We all know someone whether it to be personally or not who has taken their lives from this terrible illness. No person should feel that alone that the only way is to take their own lives. It is not selfish and unless you suffer from depression then its hard to understand. But whatever you do, do not judge a person by what they have or what they may be as there could be a lot more going on in that persons life and head then you realise. Money, possessions, relationships, career and even beauty does not necessarily bring you happiness. Its about you and how you feel yourself inside thats brings you happiness. Its taken me a long while to really realise this but its only me that can make me really happy and learning to love myself and be to be happy and at peace with the past, be present in the now and not worry about the future.
I now try and do all the things that make me happy. I have started up my vintage business again by doing markets at the weekend and selling online. One day I hope to have a boutique again. Emerging myself back into being creative and sewing. My favourite thing to do especailly if I am feeling low is to go into the countryside for forest walks. I am my happiest when surronded by nature and it instantly lifts my mood. Bike rides and beach walks, yoga and listening to music also help. Cat snuggles, hanging out with your friends and family is so important. You obviosuly can't avoid all the stresses and crap that life throws at you but doing things that you love and make you happy and trying to stay as positve as you can is so important.
I also still model for Marks and Spencers post surgery bras which I still really enjoy!
I strongly recommend to anyone who is going through anything that has left them emotionally scared to go and seek support. Do not bottle it up and let it fester. Talk about it, come to terms with it, let go of it and move on.
I myself for way too long kept something big to myself and didn't get help. I believe this has effected most of my relationships and manifested into me being physically ill, even more emotionally ill and even wanting to take my own life. Don't let this happen to you. Talk to someone. There are always people around that care and love you and you do not have to go through whatever you are going through alone.
Please visit www.treckstock.com for young adult cancer support.
I have been having a few aches and pains recently but havent been too worried about it as regards to it being cancer and am pretty sure its something to do with my implants. I have noticed that they dont feel quite right and have changed in shape in the last six months. Im obviously concerned about why they hurt though and need to see my plastic surgeon. I dont think my body likes these alien objects being in there and have had trouble with them from the beginning. I mentioned to the oncologist about the pains and he said they could be muscular but isn't an expert in that department so its best I see my surgeon. Annoyingly I may not be able to see my surgeon up in Leicester because I now live back in Hastings and I am discharged from my surgeon up here. This is frustrating because I loved my plastic surgeon and he knows my boobs so it makes total sense that I get seen by him again but as the oncologist says its bureaucracy.
So after my examination my oncologist was happy and didn't feel any lumps or bumps which was great news! He then told me I was now discharged from the department which again is good news but left me feeling emotional. As I said earlier these yearly check ups leave me feeling reassured that I am ok and cancer free. He could see I was getting upset and seemed surprised and he asked me why. Of course I was happy I told him but its also quite a big deal for me and I explained that getting his examination was more reassuring then my own.
I remember when I finished all my treatment six years ago. It was a whirlwind from start to finish of treatment and appointments and examinations from the moment you are diagnosed to the last treatment session. The last oncologist appointment after my chemo and radiotherapy was also emotional for me. You feel a little lost and left to your own devices which is very scary after having so much fuss and attention from doctors and surgeons. I felt I was spat back out into the real world after being in a bubble of a world of cancer. Your life for a while is hospitals and doctors and surgery and treatment and concentrating on staying healthy and well and not getting sick. You have attention and fuss pretty much 24/7 7 days a week. Then one day it all ends. Your ok, no chemo, radiotherapy, no regular check ups, no doctors and surgeons, your in remission and no cancer! This of course is fantastic and I did go leaping and jumping back into the real world again and moved back to Brighton and got a job and carried on as normal.
So physically you might be left OK but emotionally?? Well this is where the problems can lie. I was so happy to finish my treatment and to be cancer free but two years after I was diagnosed I felt myself slump into a depression. My life had been crazy even after my treatment ended. I moved back to Brighton got a new job, met new friends, saved to go to California for my 30th, got involved in some breast cancer charity events and got onto a fashion and costume design course and after all this my life started to quiten down. This is when I realised I hadn't dealt with a lot of what had happened emotionally and that I probably needed a lot more emotional support during all my treatment and surgery.
I will never forget the week I was in hospital after my mastectomy. I was in tears everyday. I was suppose to see a breast cancer nurse but no one came over to me the whole time I was there. Nurses assumed I was in pain. Well I was in physical pain but it was the emotional trauma of losing my breast that was worse for me. my emotions seemed to get ignored throughout the whole process. Maybe I should have asked for support but I also think it should have offered to me. Yes I was told about support groups and online chat rooms but I found myself talking to ladies who were 10 and 20 years older then me and who I could not relate too and all everybody did was swap experiences and compare notes. It helped in some ways to find information from other ladies about certain things but I needed professional emotional help.
So I went to the doctors and they put me on anti depressants and referred me CBT. I have always been against anti depressants and was offered them before I started my chemo even though I didn't go to the doctors with depression. She just assumed I would need them. This I thought was terrible of her to do and I told her I didn't need them and had got this far in life with depression without them so why would I need them now! This time though I felt like I just needed a break from all the shit in my head that was making me depressed. I've always suffered slightly from depression anyway and I dont think we deal with mental illness very well and seriously enough in this country. I also have not helped myself by not talking about my problems and I used to bottle everything up which I do feel now contributed to my cancer and my urine infections (which i also believe to be a psychosomatic)
So I started the anti depressions which lifted me out of this dark hole I was in and started CBT. I was on a very low dose and I still found myself crying a lot. I'd go to my CBT sessions in tears and found myself filling in forms and going home with more forms to fill in and this continued. I didn't see how this was helping and just ended the sessions and that was that. Two and half years later I decided to come off the anti depressants. I was off the tamoxifen and a new chapter in my life was beginning and felt happier and therefore thought I could come off them and I would be ok. I decided to ween myself off them while I was in Asia. I thought this would be a good idea as after all who could get depressed traveling around asia for 3 months. I came back and spent the summer in Hastings, moved to london in September to start a new life and then BANG, out of no where the depression hit me again this time with a vengeance I had obviously not dealt with my problems some being deep routed ones and others more recent including having cancer.
I realised all that I had been doing during this time was trying to distract myself from the demons in my head. This is something I have always been very good at. Trying to run away from them is what I excel at but of course you can not run away from yourself and your emotional problems do not disappear. For the first time this year I have finally stopped running. It actually feels a huge relief. I've resisted going back on anti depressants as I now realise they were not a solution and in a way only made it worse and delayed the healing process even longer. I have my first counselling session next week. Something I should have had years ago and been offered to me and would have been far more productive then anti depressants. I am looking forward to talking about stuff and finally putting it all to rest and behind me.
This year I joined a young persons panel with a fantastic new charity called Trekstock. Sophie the founder and CEO of the charity realised after her friend having cancer that there was very little emotional support for young adults during and after cancer. There is a great emphasis on children and teenage cancer and then from the age of about 40 plus. Its an age gap that seems to be forgotten about.
After reading that Treckstock were looking for more people to join their panel I jumped at the chance and applied. I felt so passionate about this as having been a young adult who has had cancer and also felt there was a lack of support I really wanted to help. After slumping into a massive depression which I suppose you could also call post traumatic stress I now feel it is so important to talk more about the emotional side of cancer as well as the physical. It can be a very lonely journey to be on and if like me you are a person who tends to suffer in silence and bottle things up then you need that extra push to go and actually get the support and help you need. We shouldn't be ashamed of mental illness and depression and we should not suffer alone. It is so important that we get the help and support we need to help us lead normal life again.
I feel like my cancer journey has taken a lot longer then it needed to and if I'd had that emotional support from the beginning then I may still not be suffering with depression now. I am now on a journey of self healing and slowly but surely believe I am getting there. I've discovered and learnt a lot about myself in the last two years and in some ways counselled myself and also have been lucky enough to open up to certain people about things that have happened to me that effect me emotionally today. I was also lucky enough to meet someone who gave me the opportunity to take some time out from the real world and retreat by the sea in a beautiful house for the summer where I did yoga, go on beach walks and bike rides and hang out with friends.
Maybe the emotional journey never really ends and it is an on going thing but it is so important to not let it build up and fester inside which then causes you to get physically ill or just more and more emotionally unwell and stopping you from leading a normal life and having normal and healthy relationships with your friends, family and partner.
I am not ashamed to admit I suffer from depression and no body should and you should not feel you are alone and can not get the help you deserve. We all know someone whether it to be personally or not who has taken their lives from this terrible illness. No person should feel that alone that the only way is to take their own lives. It is not selfish and unless you suffer from depression then its hard to understand. But whatever you do, do not judge a person by what they have or what they may be as there could be a lot more going on in that persons life and head then you realise. Money, possessions, relationships, career and even beauty does not necessarily bring you happiness. Its about you and how you feel yourself inside thats brings you happiness. Its taken me a long while to really realise this but its only me that can make me really happy and learning to love myself and be to be happy and at peace with the past, be present in the now and not worry about the future.
I now try and do all the things that make me happy. I have started up my vintage business again by doing markets at the weekend and selling online. One day I hope to have a boutique again. Emerging myself back into being creative and sewing. My favourite thing to do especailly if I am feeling low is to go into the countryside for forest walks. I am my happiest when surronded by nature and it instantly lifts my mood. Bike rides and beach walks, yoga and listening to music also help. Cat snuggles, hanging out with your friends and family is so important. You obviosuly can't avoid all the stresses and crap that life throws at you but doing things that you love and make you happy and trying to stay as positve as you can is so important.
I also still model for Marks and Spencers post surgery bras which I still really enjoy!
I strongly recommend to anyone who is going through anything that has left them emotionally scared to go and seek support. Do not bottle it up and let it fester. Talk about it, come to terms with it, let go of it and move on.
I myself for way too long kept something big to myself and didn't get help. I believe this has effected most of my relationships and manifested into me being physically ill, even more emotionally ill and even wanting to take my own life. Don't let this happen to you. Talk to someone. There are always people around that care and love you and you do not have to go through whatever you are going through alone.
Please visit www.treckstock.com for young adult cancer support.
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