Feeling good

Well after many somber posts I thought it was about time I wrote a positive and more upbeat one. I have not an awful lot to write about in this one so shall keep it short and sweet.

I am feeling a lot better since the awful day I had on Friday. Being free off a long plastic line hanging out of your arm is rather pleasant! It was a constant reminder of what I am going through, not that I needed reminding. Its nice to not have to worry about wearing long sleeves when I go out, not that I really did that either! But.. my arm feels free of this alien object that was inserted into my vein and I'm glad of it, even if does mean having cannulas from now on.

I have decided that a hickman line probably is not worth having for such a short amount of time. Its more a long term thing to have and is visible on the outside of your chest. I think it would have really done my head in to be honest, more so then the PICC even if I had got used to it. I do not fancy a scar either. I think that the fact I was not able to dress the PICC line well enough to stop any infections too that the hickman line would be the same and too much of a risk.

The next chemo is next week, feels like its coming around so quickly. I guess feeling as sick as I did for longer this time it would. I'd had such a long break over Christmas too. I will be over half way and that will feel great that I am almost there! I know things may get tougher with losing my hair and I really have no idea of what to expect with the next lot of chemo as the drugs will be different. Good to hear I should not feel nauseous but just do not know what to expect. I'm hoping tiredness is all it will be.

The weeks in between the chemo, when feeling better are the best. I do not think I was expecting to feel this OK in between, not at least till the third week anyway. The weeks when I do feel fine its as if nothing is wrong with me. Its good for the body and soul, not sure I could cope with a more frequent and intense course of chemo.

Last Friday evening a good friend came round and we had a great catch up. It had been a tough day and for too long I had not seen any one. After she had gone I went to bed. I checked my emails and my mum had stayed up and wrote a great comment on my post, the last part making me cry. I needed to go to the toilet a bit later on and walked into the bathroom and caught my mum sobbing. I think going to the hospital with me had really hit her hard. I do not think she was expecting it to be quite as bad as she that. Its must be hard enough that your daughter is going through all this let alone seeing the horrible environment that I am having it in too.

Like most people she does not want to cry in front of me and wants to try and stay strong for me. I do not expect anyone to be able to stay strong through out it all, I know I certainly have my moments. Its not a bad thing to just break down and cry sometimes either. I think my mum and my family have done very well in being strong for me, being mainly girls you can imagine how much blubbing goes on.

I try and keep looking towards the future and dreaming about the adventures and endless possibilities that lie in front of me. I am hoping to take a long holiday to California after my radiotherapy, I am going to need a vacation and America is calling! Not sure where the moneys coming from but I am sure I can muster up a few bob or two for it. I'll get sewing and selling on ebay! I love not knowing whats round the corner and thinking something very exciting could possibly happen to me. I think it will finally be my time in life where I get on with my career and succeed , find the place where I am content being, be happy within and then finally find a blissful relationship to be in.

I must admit though even though going through this has not stopped my social life (if anything I have more of a social life now) I am looking forward to many more nights out. Going traveling was amazing but was very insular and when we got back there was no going out from the lack of funds, being in debt and starting a new life in an exciting but expensive city does was not easy so we tended to stay in a lot. I am ready for some more of those debauched nights out those crazy kids I call friends.

The biggest one being my 30th, which I am immensely excited about. I can not tell you how eager and thrilled I am about being in my thirties. Not something a lot of people look forward to but I know my thirties are going to be so much better. Why wouldn't they be, I think I will be wiser, more mature, will know myself better then ever, have issues sorted out in my head more. Sounds good to me. Turning thirty and being single, having no stable job or even a place to live of my own does not bother me in the least. Its quiet exciting having no ties or commitments and knowing you are a free spirit, to do whatever pleases you. Sounds good to me!

Well I am off down to Brighton to spend the last weekend before chemo to see my Brighton buddies and have a fun catching up with them.