Spread your wings and fly

I have been lying in bed for the last three days exhausted from the last drug injection! I have never felt so exhausted. I do not feel too bad when I am laid down but if I get up and try and do anything I feel like I am going to collapse. I have a few aches and pains and started to get a sore mouth but nothing like last time. I have this weird pins and needles feeling in my legs and feet. Its not quite the same but rather fewer pins and bigger needles!

I have not been sleeping too well. I spent most of Saturday drifting in and out of consciousness. I do not mind feeling tired and sleeping.. at least it passes the time away. I had been doing some drawings the day before. Its been such a long time since I sat down and drew, I was really enjoying it!

I have so much time to think at the moment that I am trying to make sense of the all the stuff that happens in my life, the good and especially the bad. I have been going through an emotional roller coaster as well as a physical one. The physical one is more straight forward as in its in the hands of the doctors and all I can do is rest and look after myself. The emotional side is the tougher one to deal with.

I am very analytical and like to believe everything happens for a reason whether it be good or bad. I was always quite spiritual and philosophical but when something like this happens to you I think you really do take more time out to stop and think about life and where you are going with it.

I feel like I have struggled in life and never achieved what I've wanted, but I think most the time I was running away and hoping to find happiness in other things such as love or some new place to live. Of course its all down to you make yourself happy. While I was running away from everything I felt like I was waiting for something big to happen to me rather then me going out there and getting it. it did not help being unsure about what it was I really wanted, so found it hard to know what to go and get. I guess waiting around for something to happen was all I could do until I really knew what that was.

I am not sure I would like to say getting cancer was the big thing I was waiting for but it certainly is helping me grow as a person and changing a lot of things in my life. A lot of good has come out of it so far and I'm pretty sure there is more to come. You just can not let something bad that happens to you take over and ruin your life. I believe we are thrown the bad stuff at us to learn and grow from and I do believe we are not thrown stuff our way if we can not handle it.

Life does seem incredibly cruel at times and boy don't I know it. I feel like I am the leading lady in some tragic love story sometimes or some fairy tale. Being a Leo I love to love and am a hopeless romantic. I have always put love first and career second. I think that is a mistake I have made in the past because its never got me anywhere. I have neglected myself too often. My heart rules my head unfortunately and its not done myself any favours!

Of course I can not wait to meet the person I am to spend the rest of my life with but I think timing is important. Some people meet their long life partners so early, some it takes years. I think you meet them when it is right time in your life. I believe that to be true in my case. I have met guys who appeared to be the right person but the timing has been wrong. Its sad and causes heartache but such is life. I believe you should learn from every relationship you go through. I feel like it is almost preparing me for when I do meet "the one".

Apart from love which is probably my favourite subject I think a lot about the future and what it holds for me. I think about the past and what it has done to me. I often worry that I am nearly 30 and do not have a career underway. I am not bothered about not having my own mortgage, car, family as I have never desired those things at an early age and never wanted to conform anyway but I have always wanted a job I love doing. I was never happy doing any old job just to get by, or to help me consume material things.

I feel my life has to have more purpose and I do not feel happy living the way society wants me to live. I was given a creative talent which has been wasted. We can not all me lawyers, doctors, office workers otherwise the world would be an incredibly boring place. I think its sad that i was never pushed at school to excel at what I was good at and to be told to take a direction I had no interest in. Its got me no where and I feel has slowed down the process of me doing anything.

I was never given the drive, confidence and motivation to go out and get what I want. It seems OK to have dreams of becoming a doctor or a lawyer but when its something creative it is only a dream and how could you possible achieve that. Well people do don't they? Wouldn't life be so dull and boring without rock stars, fashion designers, creative writers, actors and artists. Why are we all encouraged to do more academic subjects even when we are obviously more creative.

I do feel my dyslexia has held me back and it shouldn't have. It has only held be back because it wasn't not accepted as a learning difficulty in my day and at the school I went to. I'm sure if I had been given the encouragement and confidence I needed I may have got further getting the career I want.

This is the way things are and now I am building my own confidence and self esteem and can no longer blame my past for everything. I think I had been a victim of myself for too long. I was constantly blaming other things and people around me for why my life was not the way I wanted it to be. You can only do that for so long.

I feel if you do not learn from your mistakes, past relationships, and experiences such as having cancer then you will not never move on and and the old patterns will keep repeating themselves.

Have you ever thought. "Why does this keep happening to me?" I did all the time. I felt my life was going round and round in circles and not getting anywhere . I never broke off from old patterns in my life. I was not learning from my past. I was clinging on and not letting go and blaming everything around me.

I would go into another relationship scared because I had been in an abusive or distrusting one. I would treat that person like I would the previous one. I have been with guys who have obviously not learnt from their past relationships too and have treated me like I was the ex that hurt them by being either insecure. possessive, jealous or distrusting.

Its impossible the make a relationship work if your still clinging on to old patterns and ideas. It just destroys it. It has certainly taken me a few boyfriends to realise this.

Its the same with everything in life. I did not realise until recently that trying to seek happiness in other things was just me running away from the real issues I had.

Nothing can bring you that ultimate happiness but yourself.

I am on this journey alone. Its tough but I know Its making me stronger, wiser, positive and spiritually aware more then I ever have been. Its still early days but cancer will have been the big kick up the backside I needed to go and live my life without fear and to brake away from those old patterns.

I believe in animal spirit guides and have always loved butterflies and what they symbolise. They are such beautiful delicate creatures that start off as caterpillars going through a journey of transformation evolving into a butterfly.

"The butterfly is the symbol of metamorphosis and transformation.
The symbol of new life, letting go of old cycles and finding your true inner expression.
The butterfly calls you to expand your awareness, spread your wings and call forth your inner joy.

Let go of limitations, and free yourself to express your own beauty within.

It is the time of spiritual transitions. Symbolic of moving from one phase of life to the next reaching higher, reaching outward, leaving the safety of the cocoon and finding your own place among the flowers of life.

Allowing the wind to carry you forward to your goals and dreams. A time of self-discovery rebirth. The butterfly shows you the beauty within.

Go forth with joy."