Skip to main content

Bittersweet

Since finishing chemo emotionally I have been all over the place. I was expecting to be more unwell then I have been but I seem to have managed to get away with it more lightly this time. Its true when they tell you that each one can be very different and there is no consistency to how you are going to feel after each one. I had the sore throat and the aches and pains for a few days but I have been up and about most of the time. I do get tired very quickly though and forget what state my health is in and can quickly over do it. At the moment I can pretty much guarantee when it gets to late afternoon I start to feel tired or even a little poorly.

Emotionally though I have not been feeling too good, up until now anyway. Finishing chemo feels bittersweet. You are left feeling slightly dejected and alone. One minute your living your life or in my case trying to build a new one and then suddenly in one fell swoop your life is turned upside down. Your life is then consumed by this disease and your almost living life in a bubble, protected from the outside world and only worrying and concentrating on getting through it. I was able to forget about working and any future plans. So when I approached the end of the chemo I felt scared and lost as my life was not going to go back to normal just like that and I really had no where to pick up from anyway.

It feels like some people assume that because it was your last chemo you should be ecstatic and your life will go back to normal straight away. I feel like I need just as much support as I ever have done. My sister and a friend described it like how it must feel coming out of prison. Everyone expects you to be happy because you are out when in fact its a daunting prospect at having to rebuild your life again.

There are times when I have really felt like I have not had the strength to cope and could easily let it get on top of me. Months of being injected with strong drugs must really mess with your head leaving you feeling emotionally inept. I have however and am coping. I have drawn out strength I did not know I had. As well as the cancer I have had other issues to deal with too and was probably wasting a lot of energy on.

I have been fed up of being at home all the time and having nothing to look forward to so arranged a few weekends away with friends. I need to recoup and revitalize my body and mind and restore my energy. I think having a break after treatment is so important. I have arranged to go to Spain for a weekend with a friend after radiotherapy so that its not too much of another anti-climax.

I have applied for a fashion course which I will have an interview soon and am sorting a photo shoot out for some recent photos to give the modeling agency. Having a few plans already makes me feel more secure about the future.

I also have some exciting news. I have been asked to interview Karen Franklyn about a campaign for My-wardrobe.com's TV spot. The campaign is for Fashion Targets Breast Cancer, which is a subsidiary charity of Breakthrough Breast Cancer, Every year they launch a campaign with various fashion brands and retailers to raise money. The launch date will be on April 6th. So check it out!

Someone asked me if I was ending my blog because I had finished my chemo. My journey with cancer has not ended just quite yet and have more treatment and surgery to go through before its over. So the answer is no I am not ending the blog just yet.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Emily,
I too had breast cancer in my 20's. I was 26 and had just had my daughter. That was 23 years ago and though the cancer was a very aggressive kind I have survived despite being given 6 months to live. YOu have a great spirit and I am certain you will do well.
I too felt almost lost after the final treatment was given. Almost as if by not being treated I was doing nothing to fight the disease. Also felt as if I was suddenly alone, without the tests and Dr visits. It takes awhile but you will regain your life. It will be a different life than the one you had before but in all probability it will be a better life. My priorities changed and I made choices differently. Having cancer was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me and not too many people other than cancer patients (and not all of them) can understand that. My husband and I walked in the Breast Cancer 3 day event in Philadelphia, PA last year. I should have done it years ago and will continue to do it for years to come. There is an energy that comes from feeling like you are doing something positive to give hope to other cancer patients.
Best wishes to you. You have a wonderful life ahead of you.
Karen Godfrey karen.godfrey@mac.com
Anonymous said…
Emily, you have made me understand more than I thought I ever would about cancer through your blog, and this last post has made me realise that although the physical journey of recovery may come to an end, the emotional one goes on. That's something I've never given much thought to before- thank you for that. I will really miss your blog when it does end, you have taught me a lot. Wishing you peace health and happiness in your continuing journey love Karen x

Popular posts from this blog

My new puppies!

Well what a week I have had! I have had my breast reconstruction and am now back home recovering.I was very anxious and excited at the same time about having it done. It was great to think finally I will get my boobs back but I had no idea how they were going to turn out and I had to trust in my surgeon that they would look great! My body was changing again and it was quite a scary feeling. The recon went very well and I am very pleased with the results. It took me a while to look down at my chest, I was worried I was not going to like what I saw. At first glance in hospital I freaked out because not only was the right breast about twice the size of the left one but they were also pointing side ways rather then straight on. I hated being back in hospital, it brought back all the horrible memories of when I was last in to have my mastectomy. Even though I was in for a positive reason it was still hard. Being in pain, coming round from the anesthetics and being on morphine is a massive ...

Spring has sprung

I am so happy that the sun is shining and spring is on its way because at the moment I am my happiest sitting out in the natural elements taking in the new spring air. I feel it is appropriate timing that I am finishing my treatment and will be starting to live my life again when Spring is emerging. The Spring equinox begins this weekend, when night and day stand in perfect balance. The Spring Equinox represents new life and growth. The lethargy of winter is dissipating and there is the promise of life becoming more exuberant. This equinox is also known as Ostara or Eostre - and is celebrated as a festival of new growth, renewal, a re-balancing of energies and the return of longer days. "Goddess of fertility and new beginnings, we take this opportunity to embrace Eostre's passion for new life and let our own lives take the new direction we have wanted for so long." I mentioned in my last post the last chemo being bittersweet and how its left me feeling alone and desponde...

Breast cancer awarness month

If you haven't noticed already its breast cancer awareness month, pink ribbons and products are everywhere but its more then just pink stuff! Its about being aware of breast cancer and remembering to check your boobs! So if you haven't already then do it now!! Do it after you have read this so you do not forget! Even you guys can check your pecks too. Around 300 men are diagnosed with BC every year so get checking. I was involved in the Samsung breast cancer campaign again this year which was called 'Everybody is art' An artist recreated the face of Botticelli's Venus - featuring the faces of 1,096 men and women throughout Europe who are affected by breast cancer, or campaigning for breast cancer awareness. See if you can spot me! The pink ribbon event was another glamorous night at the Royal Exchange in London with some celebs also there to support the campaign. A massive $1.5 million dollars was raised! It was also lovely to see Amanda again, one of the ambassador...