I can see that silver lining....

..now that my chemo is over. I can not believe its been over 6 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It only seems like yesterday I was sitting with my oncologist who was telling me what was ahead of me. At the time it was all too much to take in and I could barely conceive of the idea of going through what I have just gone through. But, I have done it! The worst is defiantly over. I coped with the surgery so much better then I had ever imagined and the chemo as grueling as it has been is finally over!

It has been a slight anti-climax as I am obviously having to get over the last bout of it so I have not been able to celebrate nor do I have the energy to sound enthusiastic about finishing. I am however extremely relieved its over and proud of myself for getting through it. There were many low and bleak moments but I got through them and I think I have learnt a lot from all the time I have had getting through this.

I was hoping my last chemo session in hospital was going to be a quick one. My bloods were fine so there seemed no reason for any delay. No such luck. I guess it would not have been the same without waiting around all day.

Sitting there having the chemo is not so bad, it was the cold cap which I always dreaded having. I so nearly gave up half way through. I can not believe I still have my hair. So many women must be told about the cold cap but are advised not to bother with it. Well If I'm not a good advertisement for it I don't know what is. I saw a few women in there with hair one minute and the gone the next. Some wore wigs, some just wore head scarfs.

Its a strange thing to say but even though I was scared at the prospect of losing my hair I think If I had lost it I thought that in some way it would do me good to be stripped bare of all my femininity and knowing once it had all grown back again how confident I would feel. I think it would have made me feel more like I had cancer and to the people around me, not to say that would have been a good thing. No one who did not know would not have guessed I was ill and friends I did not see regularly could not believe how good I looked. I certainly have not looked like a typical cancer patient.

I spoke to my oncologist for a while about what was next. My radiotherapy is due to start after Easter. The good news is it will be for 3 weeks and not 5. Going in everyday minus those 2 weeks will make all the difference. He told me that they would radiate only on my chest until he realised I had most of my lymph nodes out so therefore they would want to radiate over my armpit too. He proceeded by telling me of the risks of Lymphedema which is a side effect from the radiotherapy as well as the surgery. It affects 1 in 4 women, quite high I thought. He has left it up to me to decide though as he knows that developing lymphedema is not pleasant and there is no cure for it.

Lymphedema is one of the most troubling complications that can develop after breast cancer surgery. It is caused by interruption of the lymph drainage in the armpit, which can cause discomfort and swelling and an abnormal appearance of the arm. It is a chronic condition that will need to managed in some way for the rest of your life.

I guess some people would take the risk and would rather not have the cancer return but I do not want something else that will affect me for the rest of my life and be a permanent reminder of having breast cancer. It would also it affect my physical appearance and even perhaps my mobility in that arm.

I would like to get back into modeling and am a creative person who wishes to pursue a career in fashion design. I would hate for this to make life more difficult for me in the future. I am sure most of you maybe thinking "I would rather take the chance as cancer could return." However I have had a mastectomy, and the chemo was an extra precaution to zap any cancer cells that could not be picked up on a scan and the radiotherapy is a double precaution. I'm pretty positive with my whole attitude alone that the cancer will never return. I also do not think my oncologist would leave the decision up to me if he did not think i was absolutely necessary. Still, not an easy decision to make nor to be taken lightly.

We also discussed where I was going to have my reconstructive surgery. I am very pleased with the surgeon I had down south so am more then likely to stick with him. I thought it was worth meeting a surgeon up in Leicester though. Its going to be a huge thing having the reconstruction and I am obviously going to want it to look as perfect as possible. Its not a choice of mine to have implants and I will be stuck with this for the rest of my life so I want to make sure I am in the best hands.

I will also be starting tamoxifen soon. It is a pill I will have to take everyday for 5 years. It reduces the risk of hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer recurring. As like every drug it has a long list of side effects the most common being an early menopause. Not something I will look forward to experiencing especially as I will have to go through it again when I am older! Taking tamoxifen also means I can not conceive for 5 years, but that sounds like a pretty good excuse not to settle down and have children and to concentrate on my career if you ask me!

Talking of careers I did have quite a big freak out moment about what I was going to do with my life after all my treatment. I know I am not fully over it yet but finishing the chemo made me feel that the end was near. I am also very bad at jumping ahead into the future and panicking. But seeing as I do not really have a life to go back to I knew that I am going to have to start a new one. Of course this is exciting but is daunting at the same time.

I had not long got back from traveling when I found out I got breast cancer so had not had the chance to settle and sort out what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I feel like I have been stuck in this bubble for 6 months. The cancer has consumed my life and I have not needed to worry so much about my future plans. I am he sort of person who is easily introverted if not out and about working and socialising. It will not take me long to get my confidence back but its just making that first step that can be a little frightening.

It was the best idea to freak out straight after a session of chemo as its never a time where I have felt positive or upbeat about life. The drugs also mess with your head making you feel depressed. However the next day still panicking slightly about stuff I decided to turn it into a positive and be constructive rather then destructive. I started searching for fashion courses in Leicester. I was convinced I was not going to find anything as I had asked my dressmaking tutor if there were more intense courses then 2 hours a week and she said there was none. I had actually looked last year and had not found any, so I was ecstatic to find a 2 year BTEC higher diploma in fashion at Leicester college that covers everything I need.

I have been to university twice to do photography and tried getting a degree but never been able to make it all the way through. I was fed up of the essay writing and just wanted to get on with the practical side. I never had the confidence to do a fashion degree either. This 2 year course will be perfect for me and gives me enough time to work as well. So, I am going to apply for it and fingers crossed I get on.

I then remembered that before I went traveling a modeling agency who have an office in Leicester as well as London were interested in representing me. So I contacted them and I told them why I had not been in touch but was still interested if they were and sent some recent snap shots. They got back to me today and said they would love me to join the agency. All I need now is some photographs for them. Things suddenly do not feel so scary anymore. Modeling as much as I find nerve wracking will do wonders for my self esteem and confidence. I like to throw myself in situations even if really scare me as i know I could easily not bother but then end up being miserable. For too long have I put off things and used excuses why not to do this or that. I can not do that any more.

I had two very polar opposite passions, fashion design and wildlife photography. I struggled to know which path to take but It was the photography that I was encouraged the most at college. It was just unfortunate I lost passion for it and it did not work out but now I know I can try and pursue my other passion and I really do think I will make a success out it. I think that perhaps sometimes even if its a lot later on in life you do what you really want to do when the time is right.

I had to know that I had some plans for when I finish and I am glad I did panic as if I hadn't I may not have looked and found this course and it may have been to late to apply and get on it.

So now I can stop worrying and concentrate getting better. I made sure I got my immune booster jab this time so hopefully there will not be another hospital visit.

I am already starting to feel the aches and pains from the last chemo and it will get worse before it gets better. However... a few weeks time I will ready for some celebratory drinks, who wants to join me?