So after a hellish few weeks of waiting I finally got my MRI results back. They showed no sign of rupture or cancer! This was great news, just what I needed the hear. Slightly baffled as to why Miss Shah thought there was a leak though. I could now relax a little and not panic. The last 5 weeks have been so hard, and after too much time to think I managed to talk myself out of going flat, (for now at least). After talking to more ladies about going flat, I felt so confused as to how I thought I might cope. The older ladies who were married, were very comfortable in their own skin, and had very supportive, loving partners. I met a younger girl who had just had breast cancer and gone flat on one side, but was thinking of reconstruction, she also had a partner. I felt like this was a journey I was going to have to take alone, and that scared me. I was starting to wish I had a loving partner to go through all of this with. Since all this has happened, its brought back a lot of horrible memories I thought I'd forgotten and put behind me. No one wants to relive their cancer memories. The decision for me, especially if not a forced one, is not an easy to make. In fact I'm not all that great at making decisions when given a choice in most situations. To most people it would seem simple - health before vanity. I totally agree and do want that, but its the timing I'm not sure about. I'm not totally settled, about to head off on my travels and begin a new life, and Im not in a loving relationship. Going through this started to make me feel lonely, despite being surrounded by friends and family, and better then I had 11 years ago actually. Essentially I will be losing my breast all over again, and this time it will feel more real! My mastectomy was easier to deal with than I thought. This was because I woke up with an expander in, which gave me a small lump, and then I had my reconstruction. I never woke up flat, and therefore don't think I ever grieved losing my breast.
I spent the rest of the day feeling highly relieved, and decided that I was finally going to go on my trip. I'd give myself a break from all this, and hope that while I'm away I will come to a decision. I know what I should do, but I just need to make sure I'm strong enough to do this on my own. I thought, well, I've two years left of these current implants, and now I know they are ok maybe I will get them sorted at a later date.
That evening however a friend messaged me reminding me that I still have the highly toxic implants in that are banned in some countries. I couldn't believe this had slipped my mind. How the hell could I forget this!!! This was partly the reason I was getting them checked out. My brain had been totally scrambled from the last month, that I wasn't thinking straight. This made me mad again! That evening I'd heard two awful stories about these implants, and I got another insensitive comment from a friend. I felt pissed off and upset again, and went to bed thinking I couldn't cope with all of this. I woke up the next day with a heavy head and wondered if I shouldn't be so open on social media. Even though I was doing it to to create awareness, as well as it being therapeutic, there was a downside to it with people giving their opinions. This would knock me back a little and piss me off, especially if it was an opinion off someone who hadn't been through what I had. I wondered if maybe I was just too sensitive to do this. I bumped into someone the next morning who made me feel better by saying how important it is to speak out. I love when things like that happen. It's like the universe gives you a little gift to remind you that your doing the right thing and not to worry. I do worry about being too open on social media sometimes and what people think, but my openness has helped other people and thats all that mattered to me. Being vulnerable and opening up to the world can be scary. I write my posts and then sit back and think, oh god what am I doing, do people think I'm attention seeking or even slightly narcissistic. That word seems to get thrown around a lot now since social media, with people not actually knowing the real meaning of it. Before social media I had decided to write about my cancer experience after not finding any positive stories, or being able to find younger women to talk who'd gone through the same as me.
I finally got my surgeons appointment date, which isn't till 25th Sept. I was hoping to go away sooner, but thought this is ok as it gives me more time to save and sort my stuff out and plan for the trip. With all of this going on, it had completely thrown me off track, and so needed to get back on it. I'm feeling positive about the future again, I've no doubt I will be ok and things will finally work out. I'm so excited to head off and go on adventures, not having to think about this and to be able to write about travels instead of cancer and implants.
I've got my 40th to look forward to now, another huge milestone. Quite strange because my 30th was a huge celebration after finishing all my cancer treatment that year. So this happening before my 40th is very weird but a great reminder gat I've reached another milestone and I'm still alive and cancer free!! It's only going to make going away even more amazing for me.
One last thing before I sign off for a while, (I had written another post on the pressures of being a woman to look feminine, but will save that for when I'm back.)
I feel incredibly cheeky doing this, but people do it all the time for all sorts of reasons and so thought why the hell not. I created a Go fund me page to raise some money for my travels! I'm having to buy a new Laptop and camera also, so the funds will be greatly appreciated. I'm asking friends and family for money for my birthday instead of presents. I've been working and selling all my belongings to raise as much as I can. Link is below Thank you! xxx
https://www.gofundme.com/f/travel-writing-career-dream?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet
Or you can buy one of my Save the Tata’s T-shirt’s I designed last year for breast cancer awareness. 20% goes towards a breast cancer charity Hello Beautiful.
www.forestelfvintage.com
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