So who would have thought that cats could give you a lesson about love.
I've don't think I have ever really been fully capable of loving, nor have I been able to receive it. It's the same old cliche saying, ‘You have to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else.’ I remember the first time somebody told me that, and I had no idea how I was actually supposed to love myself.
My first cat sit in America started 2 weeks ago. I'd been road tripping for six weeks and I knew that being on my own and staying put was not going to be easy for me, but I knew that it would also be good for me. This might teach me to be able to be completely alone. I didn't realize how alone I was actually going to be though. When I first arrived in Woodstock I had met a few people, and when I came back I assumed I would be meeting up with them again. However, Thanksgiving fell on the 2 weeks I was in Woodstock and most people were away. Woodstock also became a very sleepy town in the winter. I had the cats though and they were great company, especially Ollie. I have no idea how much I was going to fall in love with this cat. I've always loved cats and had my own, looked after other people's cats, taken in strays and re-homed them. I had never quite experienced the reciprocal love that me and Ollie had for each other before. The first week of being alone I quickly started to go a bit stir crazy. I tried to meet up with people, but they were wither out of town or they were ill. It was frustrating at first but I knew I really should have just been knuckling down and writing, but for some reason I could not motivate myself. Each day I would either go out for a long walk or stay in with the cats, message friends online, go on Instagram, and watch Netflix. I really needed some human interaction. I wasn't going out for lunch or dinner either as I was trying to save money, so I really had no excuse to go out. Being still also meant I had more time to think about things, like my surgery decision and going back home. I was very good at over thinking and not being able to switch my brain off. Like most people I liked to distract myself, and the first two months had been one huge road trip distraction. It was more than a distraction though, I learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of. I also got my confidence back and realised who I was again. I was aware I might struggle being on my own in one place for a while, but I knew it was something I had to do. So it really wasn't a surprise I started to feel how I did towards the end of the cat sit. I didn't quite realise how emotional I would be though.
At the beginning of the week, I had been buzzing from the photoshoot I had modelled for the breast cancer project. It was a huge deal for me to model topless, something I thought I'd never do and so was very proud of myself. Towards the end of the week I realized I only had one night left with Ollie and Crab cake. it was that time of the month for a woman where hormones go crazy, and was already feeling emotional. Ollie had given me so much love, probably more love than I'd ever received in a quite a while, and I couldn't bear the thought of being without him. I'm a huge cat lover but I thought, he’s just a cat, why am I getting so upset and so attached to this creature. I realised I had been on my own for quite a while now and any sort of attachment was going to be hard to break free from. I guess being a huge cat lover it was probably no surprise really. I realised that on this trip whenever I’d met some really lovely people, even if it was for a few moments I struggled to leave without feeling any emotion. I wasn't sure whether Americans were more open and wore their hearts on their sleeves, or it was simply about what you put out in the world you get back. I think with me being so much more open to love these days, I was attracting the more love back to me.
For the first time I had more love to give, the happier I was becoming the more I was able to give and receive easily. I started to love myself more and I had started to notice this over the last few months. It was the last day when Ollie and Crab cake were together that I noticed how different they were from one another. Crab cake, as cute as she was would hide for most of the day, and when she did make an appearance she couldn't keep still for very long, therefore, it was quite hard to give her much love. Ollie on the other hand was the polar opposite. He was a chilled cat who had bundles of love to give and clearly was able to receive lots back, especially without swiping his paw at me after too much love, (which is what I was used to with my cat back home and weirdly I am the same). A real love bunny, or love whore as I liked to call him. Ollie was open to love and crab cake wasn't. I realised that most of my life I was like Crab cake. I wanted to love and be loved, but I wasn't too sure how and was slightly scared of it. I desperately wanted to love somebody but I didn't know how and certainly didn’t know how to receive it. This made it very difficult for other people to get close and truly love me, as I seemed to end up pushing them away or just self sabotaging. I also hid from people like Crab cake did. I couldn't keep still either. Moving from place to place, not giving people the chance to get to know me and build a relationship with me. In relationships I rarely let boyfriends in and had trouble communicating with them. From lots of hurt and pain in love, I ended up putting a huge barrier up, which was of course my defence mechanism, and this wall was impossible to bring down. I also attracted the same type of person, so all my relationships were destined to fail. It wasn't until my last relationship that my ex-boyfriend managed to break down that tough exterior of mine and I became vulnerable. It freaked me out and scared me at first but I knew I had to do this or I'd never be happy in love and I'd continue to have failed relationships. For other reasons, unfortunately that relationship didn't work out. But we both learnt a few lessons from it.
The day before I left the cats I sobbed and sobbed. I don't think I'd felt like that since I found out about my toxic breast implants and I thought my cat was going to have to be put down in the same weekend. I had been through so much shit in the past that was tired of it all and I never wanted to feel pain ever again. I put so much pressure on myself to try and stay happy all the time but this was impossible. I would think to myself, I have no room for pain or things to go wrong in my life and I’d had my fair share of unhappiness, so I didn’t deserve anymore. But of course life without pain is impossible and we need to experience the dark times so we can really appreciate the good times. I had to stop putting this pressure on myself. Years ago I got so used to being unhappy that it became a familiar feeling, and I in a way I actually started to enjoy feeling melancholy. I didn't know how to be happy and I guess I kept attracting more bad things into my life. But after experiencing pure joy and happiness, I wanted more of that and less of the pain. Its just like an addiction I guess. I was beginning to realize that everything I was currently going through, the good and the bad was all happening for a very good reason. I knew everything was just perfect the way it was and how it was supposed to be.
Part of the loneliness was me craving the company of others and just needing some human interaction. Back home when I'm working for myself and I haven't seen anybody all week, I’d go a little stir crazy and end up going to the post office to post my parcels and chat the hind legs off a donkey to anybody I got into a conversation with. I obviously crave companionship but I also did pretty well on my own. On this trip I knew I had a journey of self-discovery to take. I was certain that when I’d learnt the lessons I needed to learn the right person would appear. I still had a few things to learn about love and the cats taught me that. It might seem crazy to some people but what better creature than a cat's unconditional love.
The day I started to heal myself emotionally was the first day I'd start loving myself. It doesn't happen over night though and years of trauma takes time to heal from. I can honestly say that Ive reached that point of self love and am ready to love and receive love. I am no longer afraid and am excited to experience the reciprocal love I got with Ollie with another human being.
Before I left the cats I messaged Patrick, the owner of Ollie and Crab cake. I told him that I was struggling to leave, but how much I enjoyed looking after his cats, and that they were great therapy for me because I was feeling a little lonely. He unexpectedly replied with “So I found that doors open up when you embrace your loneliness, and at the same time invite what you want into your life change happens. This loneliness is an opportunity waiting to transform you.” I was quite taken aback by his message. He didn't know the journey that I was on, nor did he know anything about me, so I really wasn't expecting such a profound reply.
I was really going to take his words onboard. I kept reading them wanting to really absorb them, especially as I was leaving his cats that I’d got so attached to, and was off to another cat sit for three days where I'd continue being alone.
The night before, I packed my bags and sat down. I got up to go to the kitchen and saw Ollie perfectly laid in my suitcase where I'd left s space for my wash bag. He was constantly breaking my heart from being so adorable. I had no idea how I was going to leave him. Just writing this and going through the photos to attach to this post is making me well up.
I finally tore myself away and drove up the road to the next house sit sobbing. That evening I found it hard to go to bed alone as was so used to Ollie snuggling up next to me. I had that horrible empty feeling. I grabbed Kitty who was a very sweet little thing and brought her to bed. She got under the covers and snuggled up next to me. The next morning that same empty feeling came over me and I knew I was going to have to keep myself busy. I literally hadn't gone out into Woodstock for a wander for the whole two weeks, so I decided I'd go out for lunch. It started to snow and it was coming down heavy and fast. All the shops and cafes started to close. I laughed to myself and thought, I really am destined to be alone here. I wasn't really alone though, as I had been hanging out with my favourite creatures, CATS!
The snow really cheered me up. Everywhere looked beautiful again. There was nobody around and I enjoyed being alone in the falling snow. Snow represents new beginnings and I thought how perfect the timing of it was. I felt like Lorelai Gilmore once again, when she's standing outside in Stars Hollow, looks up to the sky just before it snows, smiles and says, "I smell snow.'
I've don't think I have ever really been fully capable of loving, nor have I been able to receive it. It's the same old cliche saying, ‘You have to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else.’ I remember the first time somebody told me that, and I had no idea how I was actually supposed to love myself.
My first cat sit in America started 2 weeks ago. I'd been road tripping for six weeks and I knew that being on my own and staying put was not going to be easy for me, but I knew that it would also be good for me. This might teach me to be able to be completely alone. I didn't realize how alone I was actually going to be though. When I first arrived in Woodstock I had met a few people, and when I came back I assumed I would be meeting up with them again. However, Thanksgiving fell on the 2 weeks I was in Woodstock and most people were away. Woodstock also became a very sleepy town in the winter. I had the cats though and they were great company, especially Ollie. I have no idea how much I was going to fall in love with this cat. I've always loved cats and had my own, looked after other people's cats, taken in strays and re-homed them. I had never quite experienced the reciprocal love that me and Ollie had for each other before. The first week of being alone I quickly started to go a bit stir crazy. I tried to meet up with people, but they were wither out of town or they were ill. It was frustrating at first but I knew I really should have just been knuckling down and writing, but for some reason I could not motivate myself. Each day I would either go out for a long walk or stay in with the cats, message friends online, go on Instagram, and watch Netflix. I really needed some human interaction. I wasn't going out for lunch or dinner either as I was trying to save money, so I really had no excuse to go out. Being still also meant I had more time to think about things, like my surgery decision and going back home. I was very good at over thinking and not being able to switch my brain off. Like most people I liked to distract myself, and the first two months had been one huge road trip distraction. It was more than a distraction though, I learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of. I also got my confidence back and realised who I was again. I was aware I might struggle being on my own in one place for a while, but I knew it was something I had to do. So it really wasn't a surprise I started to feel how I did towards the end of the cat sit. I didn't quite realise how emotional I would be though.
At the beginning of the week, I had been buzzing from the photoshoot I had modelled for the breast cancer project. It was a huge deal for me to model topless, something I thought I'd never do and so was very proud of myself. Towards the end of the week I realized I only had one night left with Ollie and Crab cake. it was that time of the month for a woman where hormones go crazy, and was already feeling emotional. Ollie had given me so much love, probably more love than I'd ever received in a quite a while, and I couldn't bear the thought of being without him. I'm a huge cat lover but I thought, he’s just a cat, why am I getting so upset and so attached to this creature. I realised I had been on my own for quite a while now and any sort of attachment was going to be hard to break free from. I guess being a huge cat lover it was probably no surprise really. I realised that on this trip whenever I’d met some really lovely people, even if it was for a few moments I struggled to leave without feeling any emotion. I wasn't sure whether Americans were more open and wore their hearts on their sleeves, or it was simply about what you put out in the world you get back. I think with me being so much more open to love these days, I was attracting the more love back to me.
For the first time I had more love to give, the happier I was becoming the more I was able to give and receive easily. I started to love myself more and I had started to notice this over the last few months. It was the last day when Ollie and Crab cake were together that I noticed how different they were from one another. Crab cake, as cute as she was would hide for most of the day, and when she did make an appearance she couldn't keep still for very long, therefore, it was quite hard to give her much love. Ollie on the other hand was the polar opposite. He was a chilled cat who had bundles of love to give and clearly was able to receive lots back, especially without swiping his paw at me after too much love, (which is what I was used to with my cat back home and weirdly I am the same). A real love bunny, or love whore as I liked to call him. Ollie was open to love and crab cake wasn't. I realised that most of my life I was like Crab cake. I wanted to love and be loved, but I wasn't too sure how and was slightly scared of it. I desperately wanted to love somebody but I didn't know how and certainly didn’t know how to receive it. This made it very difficult for other people to get close and truly love me, as I seemed to end up pushing them away or just self sabotaging. I also hid from people like Crab cake did. I couldn't keep still either. Moving from place to place, not giving people the chance to get to know me and build a relationship with me. In relationships I rarely let boyfriends in and had trouble communicating with them. From lots of hurt and pain in love, I ended up putting a huge barrier up, which was of course my defence mechanism, and this wall was impossible to bring down. I also attracted the same type of person, so all my relationships were destined to fail. It wasn't until my last relationship that my ex-boyfriend managed to break down that tough exterior of mine and I became vulnerable. It freaked me out and scared me at first but I knew I had to do this or I'd never be happy in love and I'd continue to have failed relationships. For other reasons, unfortunately that relationship didn't work out. But we both learnt a few lessons from it.
The day before I left the cats I sobbed and sobbed. I don't think I'd felt like that since I found out about my toxic breast implants and I thought my cat was going to have to be put down in the same weekend. I had been through so much shit in the past that was tired of it all and I never wanted to feel pain ever again. I put so much pressure on myself to try and stay happy all the time but this was impossible. I would think to myself, I have no room for pain or things to go wrong in my life and I’d had my fair share of unhappiness, so I didn’t deserve anymore. But of course life without pain is impossible and we need to experience the dark times so we can really appreciate the good times. I had to stop putting this pressure on myself. Years ago I got so used to being unhappy that it became a familiar feeling, and I in a way I actually started to enjoy feeling melancholy. I didn't know how to be happy and I guess I kept attracting more bad things into my life. But after experiencing pure joy and happiness, I wanted more of that and less of the pain. Its just like an addiction I guess. I was beginning to realize that everything I was currently going through, the good and the bad was all happening for a very good reason. I knew everything was just perfect the way it was and how it was supposed to be.
Part of the loneliness was me craving the company of others and just needing some human interaction. Back home when I'm working for myself and I haven't seen anybody all week, I’d go a little stir crazy and end up going to the post office to post my parcels and chat the hind legs off a donkey to anybody I got into a conversation with. I obviously crave companionship but I also did pretty well on my own. On this trip I knew I had a journey of self-discovery to take. I was certain that when I’d learnt the lessons I needed to learn the right person would appear. I still had a few things to learn about love and the cats taught me that. It might seem crazy to some people but what better creature than a cat's unconditional love.
The day I started to heal myself emotionally was the first day I'd start loving myself. It doesn't happen over night though and years of trauma takes time to heal from. I can honestly say that Ive reached that point of self love and am ready to love and receive love. I am no longer afraid and am excited to experience the reciprocal love I got with Ollie with another human being.
Before I left the cats I messaged Patrick, the owner of Ollie and Crab cake. I told him that I was struggling to leave, but how much I enjoyed looking after his cats, and that they were great therapy for me because I was feeling a little lonely. He unexpectedly replied with “So I found that doors open up when you embrace your loneliness, and at the same time invite what you want into your life change happens. This loneliness is an opportunity waiting to transform you.” I was quite taken aback by his message. He didn't know the journey that I was on, nor did he know anything about me, so I really wasn't expecting such a profound reply.
I was really going to take his words onboard. I kept reading them wanting to really absorb them, especially as I was leaving his cats that I’d got so attached to, and was off to another cat sit for three days where I'd continue being alone.
The night before, I packed my bags and sat down. I got up to go to the kitchen and saw Ollie perfectly laid in my suitcase where I'd left s space for my wash bag. He was constantly breaking my heart from being so adorable. I had no idea how I was going to leave him. Just writing this and going through the photos to attach to this post is making me well up.
I finally tore myself away and drove up the road to the next house sit sobbing. That evening I found it hard to go to bed alone as was so used to Ollie snuggling up next to me. I had that horrible empty feeling. I grabbed Kitty who was a very sweet little thing and brought her to bed. She got under the covers and snuggled up next to me. The next morning that same empty feeling came over me and I knew I was going to have to keep myself busy. I literally hadn't gone out into Woodstock for a wander for the whole two weeks, so I decided I'd go out for lunch. It started to snow and it was coming down heavy and fast. All the shops and cafes started to close. I laughed to myself and thought, I really am destined to be alone here. I wasn't really alone though, as I had been hanging out with my favourite creatures, CATS!
The snow really cheered me up. Everywhere looked beautiful again. There was nobody around and I enjoyed being alone in the falling snow. Snow represents new beginnings and I thought how perfect the timing of it was. I felt like Lorelai Gilmore once again, when she's standing outside in Stars Hollow, looks up to the sky just before it snows, smiles and says, "I smell snow.'
Comments
Sometimes it doesn’t matter whether you’re in a house with other people you know, or all alone in a strange place. Loneliness knows no boundaries.
It’s great that you’ve found yourself and can love yourself now. I see a positive year ahead
Lots of love xxx