Decision made! Bring on 2020.

So my decision is finally made and it feels such a relief. Before I go into detail, I just want to mention what happened after I published my last blog post. I was so glad to finally post it and it got so much response so quickly which was Amazing to see. Quite soon after I posted it the photographer from America messaged me with the photos she had taken in Woodstock. I wasn't expecting them for another four months so it was such a nice surprise and the timing couldn't have been better! When things like this happen I really believe the universe has got my back and delivers at the perfect time. I looked at the photos and was instantly wowed by them and had a little cry. I don't really look at my chest naked and its different seeing yourself in the mirror to a photo anyway. I felt so proud of myself and all that I'd gone through. The photos really helped me feel happier with my decision. Just to clarify, I had actually made my decision last summer, I was just struggling to face it. When I looked at the photos and my chest it also made me realise that I had actually lost my my breast 11 years ago. I wasn't really about to lose another, this was just an implant and reconstruction made to vaguely look like my breast. It actually looks nothing like my real one. It's smaller, higher, completely the wrong shape. Its hard, doesn't move and I don't like it at all. It doesn't really bother me, I got used to it and forget sometimes I don't have a normal set of boobs. I forgot that I was never going to have a normal chest again so what difference is this really going to make. I felt confident with my final decision and ready to go into my appointment with confidence which was very important, because if they didn't think I was happy then they probably wouldn't do it and go make me see a psychotherapist for a while.

So here are the photos. I've covered the breasts as I'm not sure I'm ready to show them to the world, but I am happy to show people individually. Depending on the individual of course.



The next day after not much sleep at all and then a trip to the vets for my poorly kitty, I drove to the hospital. The closer I got the sicker I felt. It was a bit of a wait and I finally got called in. The lady that called me then said, "Sorry for the wait, your name disappeared off our system. I hope that's not a bad omen." I nervously laughed and thought what the hell. As if you say that to someone in hospital! I laughed afterwards.

I saw a guy that I hadn't seen before and I had to tell him what I had decided. He then went to the Surgeon Miss Nugent to discuss my decision. I was hoping I'd actually get to see her and I did. She was fine with what I'd decided but warned me that having the capsules out as well as the implants came with great risk. I was willing to take that risk seeing as the other risk of keeping them in was cancer. The capsule is the fibrous scar tissue that forms around the implant once in place, creating a tissue capsule. The body forms a protective capsule like this around any object it recognises as foreign.

My surgeon then asked me If I definitely didn't want more implants and why. She understood and then asked me If I possibly wanted a fat transfer. I didn't think this was an option because I didn't have an awful lot of fat on me. I was thinking, damn it! Why didn't I eat more donuts in America! So I got naked and she examined my breasts and the fat on my body, which isn't a lot. I really didn't want my stomach hacking up so didn't think this was going to be an option for me.

She squeezed my stomach fat and said, "Nope there's not enough fat there." Phew I thought, it wasn't an option anyway. She looked at my inner thighs and said, yes there's enough fat there but it will change the shape of your legs and bum and is a lengthy painful procedure. I wasn't liking the sound of this. The next option was my hips. I actually got excited about this and shouted out, "Yes my hips my hips! Please let there me enough fat there!" I had already a huge scar on my back from my reconstruction and I really didn't care about scaring on the back of my hips either. I wear high waisted bottoms anyway and I quite like scars as long as they aren't on my stomach. I've also always complained about my child bearing hips not being able to fit into 70's jeans knowing they'd fit the waist but not able to get them over my hips. She squeezed my hips and said, "Well there isn't a lot there but I think we could use that fat." I just shouted, "YES, anything just any bit of fat will be fine." I also asked if putting on weight would help and she said it wouldn't make any difference.

She seemed concerned that I wasn't going to be happy with the results as my breasts would be a lot smaller, the left one considerably and look nothing like they do now. She explained to me that in general, 75 to 80 percent of the fat injected during any fat transfer procedure will survive, while the rest will be naturally metabolised by the body. Already not having much fat to take, the left one will be very very small but I didn't care and said I'd be happy with anything as my concern was as being quite boney on my chest especially after my mastectomy that if I went flat I'd end up with a concave chest. The fact my current breasts are completely asymmetric and look odd, at this stage I didn't really care. I was happier to be a smaller bra size, again that's more 70's tops I will be able to get into!

So with all that decided, she explained to me that I'd have to have two separate procedures. First the capsule and implant explant, and then the fat transfer about three months later. So for the first three months I will be flat which will be weird. I asked how long the current waiting list was and she said possibly April/May. I was so happy with this as originally she had said 6-9 months. I knew I'd probably be quite eager for another America trip by the end of the summer so this would work out well.

I felt so good after the appointment and ready for this to happen. I suddenly felt more ready for 2020 and what it will bring. I wasn't wanting to put my life on hold either. I want lots of change this year. I'm ready for a whole new chapter in my life. Having my implants removed feels like perfect timing. I've finally put my past to rest and am so much happier. The implants in some way feel part of that past. I can not wait to get these toxic things out of me!!!