I wrote most of this post six months ago, quite soon after I found out about my toxic implants. It was all I could think about, getting them out and going flat. Since being away and having the best and well deserved trip ever, I am now back with only two days to my surgeons appointment and don't feel ready to make that decision. I didn't think about it too much while I was in America and knew that once I was back I would need to starting thinking about it again. It's been three weeks and I haven't given it a thought until now. I actually thought I had two more weeks till my appointment but it got brought forward. The initial shock has very much subsided and I'm feeling healthy and physically OK. It's actually no longer feeling like an emergency. I mean, it is still and it isn't. I've had the tests and I've not got cancer, but I do have cancer causing implants. I need them out ASAP, (as ASAP as the NHS waiting list will take anyway). It was starting to feel like I'd be putting my life on hold till these were out. I will try and not let that happen. I'm back and feeling happy which is a huge relief for me, because usually I hate being back after a trip away. I've actually never felt happier in myself and more positive about my future, so I'm certainly not going to let cancer, after 11 years beat me now. I figured going back to this post might give me that badass attitude I felt a few months ago which seems to have faded.
So here it is......
I realised that to make my decision about whether to have my implants out with no further reconstruction I needed to be true to myself and strip everything back. I had to stop listening to other people's opinions and stop the pressures we have from society that make women feel like they need boobs to feel feminine. I've never considered myself a girly girl, and more of a tomboy. I was extremely body shy growing up and never particularly loved having boobs either, but I ended up with a pretty decent set. However, you'd never see me flaunting them, even back in the wonder bra days I never showed any cleavage. The only part of my body I didn't mind showing was my mid drift. At 13 years old, boys at school would tease me and call me flat chested until I grew a pair of boobs. Well durrr yeah, I was flat chested because I'd barely began puberty. So getting shit off boys that early on the pressures to look a certain way had already begun. Seems sad that even at that age boobs were a big deal to guys. If only I could have given boys shit for the size of their tiny penises, see how they liked it.
The famous Wonder Bra advert in the 90's
I was glad to be a teenager in the 90's though. Being a ladette was fashionable and cool. With the likes of Kate moss, the band All Saints and Brit pop babes such as Justine and not forgetting presenters like Sara Cox and Zoe Ball, this suited me and made it easier for me to be a girl. I hung out with boys like I was one of the lads, cut all my hair off and wore baggy jeans and crop tops. I loved this look and felt comfortable, even if men did call me a lesbian walking down the street. I can't say I had much luck with men from the start to be honest. It's probably what set me up for a few bad relationships and intimacy issues. Thankfully after a long time single and self healing those issues have been resolved.
As a kid and being dyslexic (which hadn't been explained to me properly), I just thought I was thick. School didn't help much and the "thick label" I put on myself ended up being ingrained. When I passed the ugly teen stage, people started to tell me I was good looking, but I never saw it, and just felt like a skinny, lanky, ugly, awkward teenager. But everyone seemed to start focusing on my looks, and I began to believe that's maybe all I was. Even my best mate at school said I was all looks and nothing in between, (if I was that dull, then why was she my best mate?) Anyway, the bitch then went and slept with my boyfriend because I wouldn't "put out". I knew I wasn't just looks (I still didn't think I was beautiful either), but I was very shy and useless in big groups. I had no confidence whatsoever and so my personality didn't come through a lot of the time. I also probably would have focused on what I was good at or what I loved if school hadn't pushed the academic side so hard. I actually did start modelling quite young because I thought thats all I could do, but I didn't even like that because it required confidence, of which I had none. It didn't feel natural to be in front of a camera and pose. I felt stupid and self-concious, and far from loved myself.
1995, a moody looking 16 year old me in Art class.
Me and my best mates, 1995/6
My point to all of this is that I've never enjoyed all the focus I've had on my looks. I hate the pressures we have as women to look a certain way. I've always wanted to be known for more than just a pretty face and its always been my massive bugbear. I wanted to be seen as a talented, intelligent woman.
I was very positive when I had cancer and chemo. I even thought by losing my hair and breast and being stripped back of my femininity, that when it all came back I'd feel super confident and more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that actually happened, but I did surprise myself after I had my mastectomy. It didn't seem to affect me as much as I thought it would. Perhaps just having a lump there never made me feel that I'd fully lost my breast.
Just before I started chemo and I'd had my locks cut off after growing them for the first time in years.
Modelling for my portfolio in 1997, and not feeling confident one bit.
So..., why are we SO obsessed with these two fatty lumps on our chest called boobs? How feminine do they really make us feel? If men weren't so obsessed with them, would we be? Apart from their actual function of breast feeding and OK they definitely have their pleasurable uses in the bedroom, at the end of the day they are still just lumps of fat. I personally think men are obsessed with them because they sucked their mothers breasts for milk. Think about that eh guys. I mean, women aren't as obsessed with mens pecs as they are with our breasts, right? I am sure we all have very different opinions on this. If I was man I'm sure I'd love breasts as much as they do too.
Anyway, last year when I was having to think about all of this, and I definitely started to notice that breasts were everywhere I looked. Pretty much shoved in our faces, popping up on social media and TV. Adverts for bras to push your boobs up or make them bigger, cosmetic surgery adverts, music videos. I get it, sex sells, women and their breasts are sexy. But flat chested women can be incredibly sexy too, so why don't we talk about this more. These days the only part of the body that isn't being enlarged is the waist. Boobs, bum, hips, thighs, lips, and even eyes are all considered sexier the bigger they are. What happened to slight pretty features and small limbs being sexy. Why is bigger better?
Prime example of wanting bigger and a terrible role model for young girls.
I'd hate to be a teenager these days. The pressures seem more extreme now, with Instagram and having to look flawless and perfect. I think I'd struggle with female role models now too. I see so many young girls with ridiculous amounts of make up on or had lip fillers and botox before they have one single line on their face. There also seems to be a very unrealistic achievable body shape that girls want these days too. It's absurd. Who and what is doing this to them? Is it men? Or do women do it to themselves. I'm sure it's a bit of both.
Thinking about it now though as a young woman I do remember boyfriends rooms being filled with FHM magazines and posters of half naked women on the wall. The pressures were always there. Unrealistic body images shoved in our faces constantly. Men didn't have to deal with this, the only magazines I had were Smash Hits and More, and then NME and Cosmo. Fashion mags, still full of beautiful unrealistic body images though. Least guys didn't have to deal with mags and pics of half naked guys every time they came over.
So I was really thinking about how I'd feel about my body if none of these pressures existed. If breast weren't sexual would I be that bothered about losing one... Probably not.
When talking to some women about what was happening I was shocked by their responses and received two or three insensitive comments. I got the "Well you're beautiful, you have nothing to worry about." Or "Whats the big deal?" Firstly what the hell has my looks got to do with my emotions and how I will feel about losing a breast. Am I suppose to feel less because I might be prettier than someone else? A breast is a breast! And yes it is a fucking big deal, try telling that to someone who's about to lose a limb or just had cancer. At this point I was getting mad with people and the whole "You're beautiful" thing that some people seem to only see me as pisses me right off. Hey, I'm not complaining about my looks, far from it. I'd just rather be known for other things. To be honest a lot beautiful women can be extremely insecure and sometimes it can be a curse. Marilyn Monroe is a great example, she was extremely beautiful but didn't love herself. She wanted the whole world to love her but possibly never felt loved at all. She was treated extremely badly by men, her looks being a huge curse in the end.
Marilyn Monroe, Photography by Milton H. Greene
I would definitely say my looks have been a curse at times. When the 'Me Too' movement surfaced on Facebook I was shocked at how many women admitted to being the victim of some sort of sexual abuse. I am also one of those women. I was raped by a British man on my first solo trip to Australia at the age of 22. I kept my mouth shut about it for years because I convinced myself it was my fault. I'd never been a flirty kinda girl and this made me even less friendly and scared to even be myself around men. I gave up working in a pub four years ago because I was sick of the shit I got from men. In the end I acquired the nickname Ice Queen. To this day I'm still a little wary of guys, but with lots of self healing and gaining more confidence I am definitely able to hold my own more, and I am friendly and myself around men now. Like a lot of women, I think years ago we weren't really taught that it was OK to say no, and it felt that in some way we owed men and had to please them. We absolutely do not. I am digressing slightly here but I feel its still very relevant to the subject. After talking to a very beautiful friend of mine recently she told me something that stunned me and, I was shocked at how we are still being treated by men, especially after so much has come out in the media about the likes of Harvey Weinstein. We have a long we to go still and have had a pretty rough deal.
So here I am, finding it slightly ironic that I've hated all the focus on my looks in the past and am now possibly about to lose my left breast. Not being an extremely girly girl though I'm not sure what about it bothers me so much. Im actually excited to get into smaller 70's vintage tops. Maybe Im angry that cancer, after all this time will have finally taken away a part of my femininity. Even though it went 11 years ago, I think maybe my reconstruction helped mask the emotional pain a little. Having cancer is not something I ever want to relive either, and in a way this this feels like I might have too again.
I won't deny that being single is possibly affecting the way I feel right now too. I'm not saying I will be scared to meet a man afterwards. If anything, I will definitely meet the right one after this. It's just being in love and having that person say to me now that it absolutely makes no difference to them and they will still love me as much as they do now. Well, I guess I should be saying that to myself. My confidence and self love has grown immensely in the last two years. I know that this whole experience will just make me stronger and more badass than I already am. Currently though, I am terrified and finding it hard to face. After years of intimacy issues from being raped I've finally got past that, and it feels great to have a healthy relationship towards sex again. I would hate for this to affect that by not feeling sexy in the bedroom. Again, Im sure I will surprise myself like the first time.
I'm also dreading surgery full stop because both times I had complications, hence why It's best to get these out with no replacements and just be done with it. I don't want to risk my health for something toxic that makes me feel like a woman.
The pressures for women to look a certain way and look good will never end. I just hope it doesn't get worse. I can't change this situation I am in and cant keep ignoring it. I have to face this head on. I am terrified though. I feel so happy right now that I don't want anything to spoil it for me. I will remain strong and positive. But I will also let myself be vulnerable too. That was a big lesson I learnt last year, just how important it is to let yourself be vulnerable.
I think I may have to read back through my old post where I mention the pros and cons to not having breasts. There were definitely more pros. Actually I am going to copy and paste it in here now!
1 - It will make me stronger. I can handle this, I’ve been through so much already.
2 - No more bras (I always hated bras.)
3 - No worries about toxic plastic being in my body and possibly making me ill.
4 - No more surgery after this and the cancer journey will all finally be behind me.
5 – I can own this. I will feel empowered, liberated and feel like a true warrior!
6 - It will filter out all the dickheads I meet and will never have to date another arsehole again.
7 - When I finally leave to go travelling I will feel the most amazing sense of achievement and finally be able to take on the world with my past behind me.
8- People will think I’m really brave and fucking awesome!
As you can see that’s a lot of positive and I’m sure that out weighted the positives of keeping implants in, which I didn’t even bother writing out. It would have probably gone a bit like this-
1 - I will kind of have a normal set of boobs but not really…. One is useless anyway and functions as just a lump and is obsolete.
2 - Ummmmmmm can’t think of another. Oh, some men might prefer it? Well they can fuck off.
Not really a list of good reasons to want me to keep them.
I felt good after writing this list and thought... “YES I CAN DO THIS!!”
Modelling for M&S mastectomy bras four years ago.
I actually gained confidence from this modelling job I got after I had breast cancer. It was a wonderful and positive thing to come from this horrible experience. I also modelled topless in America recently for a wonderful Breast cancer project that a photographer Charise Isis started called The Grace Project. Check it out here the-grace-project.org My photo isn't ready yet. Im so excited to see it and also surprised myself on this shoot.
At the top of the mountain after a steep and icy 2.5 mile hike and photoshoot in Woodstock, New York.
After I published this post I got a message from the photographer with two photos. I couldn't believe the timing. Here is one, covered up.
So here it is......
I realised that to make my decision about whether to have my implants out with no further reconstruction I needed to be true to myself and strip everything back. I had to stop listening to other people's opinions and stop the pressures we have from society that make women feel like they need boobs to feel feminine. I've never considered myself a girly girl, and more of a tomboy. I was extremely body shy growing up and never particularly loved having boobs either, but I ended up with a pretty decent set. However, you'd never see me flaunting them, even back in the wonder bra days I never showed any cleavage. The only part of my body I didn't mind showing was my mid drift. At 13 years old, boys at school would tease me and call me flat chested until I grew a pair of boobs. Well durrr yeah, I was flat chested because I'd barely began puberty. So getting shit off boys that early on the pressures to look a certain way had already begun. Seems sad that even at that age boobs were a big deal to guys. If only I could have given boys shit for the size of their tiny penises, see how they liked it.
I was glad to be a teenager in the 90's though. Being a ladette was fashionable and cool. With the likes of Kate moss, the band All Saints and Brit pop babes such as Justine and not forgetting presenters like Sara Cox and Zoe Ball, this suited me and made it easier for me to be a girl. I hung out with boys like I was one of the lads, cut all my hair off and wore baggy jeans and crop tops. I loved this look and felt comfortable, even if men did call me a lesbian walking down the street. I can't say I had much luck with men from the start to be honest. It's probably what set me up for a few bad relationships and intimacy issues. Thankfully after a long time single and self healing those issues have been resolved.
As a kid and being dyslexic (which hadn't been explained to me properly), I just thought I was thick. School didn't help much and the "thick label" I put on myself ended up being ingrained. When I passed the ugly teen stage, people started to tell me I was good looking, but I never saw it, and just felt like a skinny, lanky, ugly, awkward teenager. But everyone seemed to start focusing on my looks, and I began to believe that's maybe all I was. Even my best mate at school said I was all looks and nothing in between, (if I was that dull, then why was she my best mate?) Anyway, the bitch then went and slept with my boyfriend because I wouldn't "put out". I knew I wasn't just looks (I still didn't think I was beautiful either), but I was very shy and useless in big groups. I had no confidence whatsoever and so my personality didn't come through a lot of the time. I also probably would have focused on what I was good at or what I loved if school hadn't pushed the academic side so hard. I actually did start modelling quite young because I thought thats all I could do, but I didn't even like that because it required confidence, of which I had none. It didn't feel natural to be in front of a camera and pose. I felt stupid and self-concious, and far from loved myself.
1995, a moody looking 16 year old me in Art class.
Me and my best mates, 1995/6
My point to all of this is that I've never enjoyed all the focus I've had on my looks. I hate the pressures we have as women to look a certain way. I've always wanted to be known for more than just a pretty face and its always been my massive bugbear. I wanted to be seen as a talented, intelligent woman.
I was very positive when I had cancer and chemo. I even thought by losing my hair and breast and being stripped back of my femininity, that when it all came back I'd feel super confident and more comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure that actually happened, but I did surprise myself after I had my mastectomy. It didn't seem to affect me as much as I thought it would. Perhaps just having a lump there never made me feel that I'd fully lost my breast.
Just before I started chemo and I'd had my locks cut off after growing them for the first time in years.
Modelling for my portfolio in 1997, and not feeling confident one bit.
So..., why are we SO obsessed with these two fatty lumps on our chest called boobs? How feminine do they really make us feel? If men weren't so obsessed with them, would we be? Apart from their actual function of breast feeding and OK they definitely have their pleasurable uses in the bedroom, at the end of the day they are still just lumps of fat. I personally think men are obsessed with them because they sucked their mothers breasts for milk. Think about that eh guys. I mean, women aren't as obsessed with mens pecs as they are with our breasts, right? I am sure we all have very different opinions on this. If I was man I'm sure I'd love breasts as much as they do too.
Anyway, last year when I was having to think about all of this, and I definitely started to notice that breasts were everywhere I looked. Pretty much shoved in our faces, popping up on social media and TV. Adverts for bras to push your boobs up or make them bigger, cosmetic surgery adverts, music videos. I get it, sex sells, women and their breasts are sexy. But flat chested women can be incredibly sexy too, so why don't we talk about this more. These days the only part of the body that isn't being enlarged is the waist. Boobs, bum, hips, thighs, lips, and even eyes are all considered sexier the bigger they are. What happened to slight pretty features and small limbs being sexy. Why is bigger better?
Prime example of wanting bigger and a terrible role model for young girls.
I'd hate to be a teenager these days. The pressures seem more extreme now, with Instagram and having to look flawless and perfect. I think I'd struggle with female role models now too. I see so many young girls with ridiculous amounts of make up on or had lip fillers and botox before they have one single line on their face. There also seems to be a very unrealistic achievable body shape that girls want these days too. It's absurd. Who and what is doing this to them? Is it men? Or do women do it to themselves. I'm sure it's a bit of both.
Thinking about it now though as a young woman I do remember boyfriends rooms being filled with FHM magazines and posters of half naked women on the wall. The pressures were always there. Unrealistic body images shoved in our faces constantly. Men didn't have to deal with this, the only magazines I had were Smash Hits and More, and then NME and Cosmo. Fashion mags, still full of beautiful unrealistic body images though. Least guys didn't have to deal with mags and pics of half naked guys every time they came over.
So I was really thinking about how I'd feel about my body if none of these pressures existed. If breast weren't sexual would I be that bothered about losing one... Probably not.
When talking to some women about what was happening I was shocked by their responses and received two or three insensitive comments. I got the "Well you're beautiful, you have nothing to worry about." Or "Whats the big deal?" Firstly what the hell has my looks got to do with my emotions and how I will feel about losing a breast. Am I suppose to feel less because I might be prettier than someone else? A breast is a breast! And yes it is a fucking big deal, try telling that to someone who's about to lose a limb or just had cancer. At this point I was getting mad with people and the whole "You're beautiful" thing that some people seem to only see me as pisses me right off. Hey, I'm not complaining about my looks, far from it. I'd just rather be known for other things. To be honest a lot beautiful women can be extremely insecure and sometimes it can be a curse. Marilyn Monroe is a great example, she was extremely beautiful but didn't love herself. She wanted the whole world to love her but possibly never felt loved at all. She was treated extremely badly by men, her looks being a huge curse in the end.
I would definitely say my looks have been a curse at times. When the 'Me Too' movement surfaced on Facebook I was shocked at how many women admitted to being the victim of some sort of sexual abuse. I am also one of those women. I was raped by a British man on my first solo trip to Australia at the age of 22. I kept my mouth shut about it for years because I convinced myself it was my fault. I'd never been a flirty kinda girl and this made me even less friendly and scared to even be myself around men. I gave up working in a pub four years ago because I was sick of the shit I got from men. In the end I acquired the nickname Ice Queen. To this day I'm still a little wary of guys, but with lots of self healing and gaining more confidence I am definitely able to hold my own more, and I am friendly and myself around men now. Like a lot of women, I think years ago we weren't really taught that it was OK to say no, and it felt that in some way we owed men and had to please them. We absolutely do not. I am digressing slightly here but I feel its still very relevant to the subject. After talking to a very beautiful friend of mine recently she told me something that stunned me and, I was shocked at how we are still being treated by men, especially after so much has come out in the media about the likes of Harvey Weinstein. We have a long we to go still and have had a pretty rough deal.
So here I am, finding it slightly ironic that I've hated all the focus on my looks in the past and am now possibly about to lose my left breast. Not being an extremely girly girl though I'm not sure what about it bothers me so much. Im actually excited to get into smaller 70's vintage tops. Maybe Im angry that cancer, after all this time will have finally taken away a part of my femininity. Even though it went 11 years ago, I think maybe my reconstruction helped mask the emotional pain a little. Having cancer is not something I ever want to relive either, and in a way this this feels like I might have too again.
I won't deny that being single is possibly affecting the way I feel right now too. I'm not saying I will be scared to meet a man afterwards. If anything, I will definitely meet the right one after this. It's just being in love and having that person say to me now that it absolutely makes no difference to them and they will still love me as much as they do now. Well, I guess I should be saying that to myself. My confidence and self love has grown immensely in the last two years. I know that this whole experience will just make me stronger and more badass than I already am. Currently though, I am terrified and finding it hard to face. After years of intimacy issues from being raped I've finally got past that, and it feels great to have a healthy relationship towards sex again. I would hate for this to affect that by not feeling sexy in the bedroom. Again, Im sure I will surprise myself like the first time.
I'm also dreading surgery full stop because both times I had complications, hence why It's best to get these out with no replacements and just be done with it. I don't want to risk my health for something toxic that makes me feel like a woman.
The pressures for women to look a certain way and look good will never end. I just hope it doesn't get worse. I can't change this situation I am in and cant keep ignoring it. I have to face this head on. I am terrified though. I feel so happy right now that I don't want anything to spoil it for me. I will remain strong and positive. But I will also let myself be vulnerable too. That was a big lesson I learnt last year, just how important it is to let yourself be vulnerable.
I think I may have to read back through my old post where I mention the pros and cons to not having breasts. There were definitely more pros. Actually I am going to copy and paste it in here now!
1 - It will make me stronger. I can handle this, I’ve been through so much already.
2 - No more bras (I always hated bras.)
3 - No worries about toxic plastic being in my body and possibly making me ill.
4 - No more surgery after this and the cancer journey will all finally be behind me.
5 – I can own this. I will feel empowered, liberated and feel like a true warrior!
6 - It will filter out all the dickheads I meet and will never have to date another arsehole again.
7 - When I finally leave to go travelling I will feel the most amazing sense of achievement and finally be able to take on the world with my past behind me.
8- People will think I’m really brave and fucking awesome!
As you can see that’s a lot of positive and I’m sure that out weighted the positives of keeping implants in, which I didn’t even bother writing out. It would have probably gone a bit like this-
1 - I will kind of have a normal set of boobs but not really…. One is useless anyway and functions as just a lump and is obsolete.
2 - Ummmmmmm can’t think of another. Oh, some men might prefer it? Well they can fuck off.
Not really a list of good reasons to want me to keep them.
I felt good after writing this list and thought... “YES I CAN DO THIS!!”
Modelling for M&S mastectomy bras four years ago.
I actually gained confidence from this modelling job I got after I had breast cancer. It was a wonderful and positive thing to come from this horrible experience. I also modelled topless in America recently for a wonderful Breast cancer project that a photographer Charise Isis started called The Grace Project. Check it out here the-grace-project.org My photo isn't ready yet. Im so excited to see it and also surprised myself on this shoot.
At the top of the mountain after a steep and icy 2.5 mile hike and photoshoot in Woodstock, New York.
After I published this post I got a message from the photographer with two photos. I couldn't believe the timing. Here is one, covered up.
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