More than the winter blues

I felt compelled to write a post today after realising something.

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me, and I know for many others too. I’ve been very up and down and found it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. Now, you can say, “Well its winter and the weather is horrible right now, you’ll feel better come spring.” Even on the sunny calmer days I’ve still not wanted to leave the house. After weeks of thinking, well I’m not busy enough at the moment, I’ve finally got the trip blues, I’m not where I want to be etc, I realised it’s not just these things making me feel low as I know I’ve been happy before even when things aren’t exactly how I want them to be. I realised that I must be in a mild depression at the moment.

I’ve been battling depression most of my life. It felt great to stop feeling depressed about two years, but it didn’t mean my life was sorted. I was still not exactly where I wanted to be, with who I wanted to be with and doing exactly what I wanted to be doing, but I was working towards it all and hadn’t give up. I’ve never given up and always fought. I’ve struggled finding my sense of purpose in life, and at the age of 40 with no kids or husband, I don’t have that immediate support network that some do. Not that I could handle having kids and nor do I think I want any now, but having a loving partner I know can help. It can feel a very lonely journey to be on when you are dealing with ongoing past trauma. I know ultimately you’re the only one that can get past it, but we all know that loving support goes a long way.

I get to a point in my life where I think I’m over things and then, BANG I get hit with something that takes me right back there. My life does feel slightly on hold right now and I feel in limbo which isn’t helping, but I know I have a little more healing to do. I’ve come a long way and have been much happier recently than I’ve ever been, and I know this is just another little bump in road.

People that suffer with depression know how hard it is to function on a daily basis. The struggle to even want to get out of bed in the morning and get on with our daily routines. We now have the added pressures of social media where we can see people working on their businesses and getting on with their lives. That alone can make us feel worse about our own lives and that we aren’t trying hard enough or that we should snap out of it.

Talking of snapping out of it, that’s another subject I’d like to touch on. Ignorant comments from people that have no idea what it’s like to be really depressed or have been through trauma in their lives and now suffer from PTSD. I’ve had people telling me to get over it, snap out of it, just move on etc. Don’t you think if it were that easy that’s what I’d be doing? Do you think I enjoy being depressed? I don’t enjoy being triggered and past trauma coming back up. That is something you cannot control. I don’t enjoy reliving some of my darkest moments and having to face them again. I have done so much to try and help myself. I’ve had years of shit to try and sort out and on top of that more shit while trying to sort the previous shit out. I go to therapy, I try and eat well, I exercise by going for long walks out in nature, I try new thing, I take myself traveling on my own, I take myself out of my comfort zone, I’ve learnt how to self-care and self-love. I stopped binge drinking and taking drugs. I’ve tried to live any dream I’ve ever had. I’ve even managed to avoid being on anti-depressants for most of my life. I’ve tried to do it all as naturally as I can.

I know that I’ve got to such a better place in my head more recently. I can see the change in me and I’m proud of me. Since the toxic implant situation arose it took me right back to a place I thought I’d seen the last of. I told my therapist last year that I was fine, and my cancer experience hadn’t affected me. It clearly had, but I didn’t need to dredge up the past because I was getting on with my life and my cancer wasn’t directly affecting me.

I won’t deny that I’m scared shitless of what my surgery will bring up for me. Not only that but the fact I feel like I’m really going to have to deal with this alone. I won’t have a loving partner’s shoulder to cry on and someone who will reassure me everything will be OK etc, all the things a loving partner does. I’m lucky I have friends and family but it’s not quite the same. I feel I really only have myself to give that love and reassurance to. I know I will probably shut down and not let some people in. It can be the way I deal with things sometimes. I worry about ruining people’s happy moments by being sad, and that makes me want to shy away from social situations. I hate feeling a burden to anyone, especially my own family, and in the past I’ve tried to hide how I feel but It never ends well when I do that. I don’t like people seeing me sad or upset. I don’t like to make other people feel sad just because I’m not happy. I’d rather stay away from people until I’m happy again. The people that let you feel sad without feeling a burden are the best people to be around.

We all need to be more empathic in this world. I’ve realised that after all that I’ve been through I am more empathetic and less judgemental of others. When I’m feeling good, I now want to help people, especially women. I know the struggles and I hate to see other people struggle. I’ve even thought about studying and becoming a therapist myself one day, but I’d also like to have a break from all this and enjoy life for a good long stint. I know my posts have helped people and that’s good enough for me right now.

I wasn’t going to tell people how I was currently feeling and was going stay strong and pretend I was OK with my upcoming surgery. Before I realised I was mildly depressed, I thought I was just frustrated with the fact the surgery was kind of putting my life on hold, it being in two stages and that I wouldn’t be free till around October. I’ve still not had a date yet so that’s just a guess. It probably wouldn’t feel as bad if I was already where I wanted to be doing what I wanted to do, but I’m not and I desperately want to move on with my life. I know I could be making plans but even that can be hard when my dreams are so big, sometimes I’m stuck to even know what actions to take and for now all I can do is visualise how I want my life to look like and take baby steps to get there. So, you could say my surgery isn’t putting my life on hold at all. I just can’t make any major plans right now.

I am tired of people’s flippant comments. I have literally read everything there is to read on how to be happy, how to stay positive, how to get what you want, how to manifest, how to live in the moment, blah blah blah I practise it all. It however isn’t an instant fix, and life no matter how sorted it may appear to be can still throw shit at you when you least expect it. If I hear one more chin up comment I will scream. I know I will be OK; I know I will get through this; I know I am strong and will be stronger because of what I’m going through. I strongly believe my life is about to get a whole lot better and I’ve one last bit of healing to do. I know that this is the case for a few people at the moment too. SO let’s all be there for one another, be empathetic, less judgemental, less British and love everyone and most importantly love ourselves. Don’t be afraid to admit you are depressed or struggling, reach out and get help. Ignore people’s flippant comments. If they say things that make you feel worse, it’s because they don’t know how to open up and I bet they are burying a whole lot of stuff deep down. Believe me when I say this way of coping doesn’t work. It only comes back to bite you on the arse. Don’t be scared to open up and be vulnerable, it’s the only way you can heal and get better.

Be kind to yourselves. I love you all.

PS like I said before, I believe the bigger the storm the greater the rainbow!