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More than the winter blues

I felt compelled to write a post today after realising something. The last few weeks have been a struggle for me, and I know for many others too. I’ve been very up and down and found it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. Now, you can say, “Well its winter and the weather is horrible right now, you’ll feel better come spring.” Even on the sunny calmer days I’ve still not wanted to leave the house. After weeks of thinking, well I’m not busy enough at the moment, I’ve finally got the trip blues, I’m not where I want to be etc, I realised it’s not just these things making me feel low as I know I’ve been happy before even when things aren’t exactly how I want them to be. I realised that I must be in a mild depression at the moment. I’ve been battling depression most of my life. It felt great to stop feeling depressed about two years, but it didn’t mean my life was sorted. I was still not exactly where I wanted to be, with who I wanted to be with and doing exactly what I wanted to b...
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Recent posts

Decision made! Bring on 2020.

So my decision is finally made and it feels such a relief. Before I go into detail, I just want to mention what happened after I published my last blog post. I was so glad to finally post it and it got so much response so quickly which was Amazing to see. Quite soon after I posted it the photographer from America messaged me with the photos she had taken in Woodstock. I wasn't expecting them for another four months so it was such a nice surprise and the timing couldn't have been better! When things like this happen I really believe the universe has got my back and delivers at the perfect time. I looked at the photos and was instantly wowed by them and had a little cry. I don't really look at my chest naked and its different seeing yourself in the mirror to a photo anyway. I felt so proud of myself and all that I'd gone through. The photos really helped me feel happier with my decision. Just to clarify, I had actually made my decision last summer, I was just strugglin...
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The Pressures for women to look beautiful

I wrote most of this post six months ago, quite soon after I found out about my toxic implants. It was all I could think about, getting them out and going flat. Since being away and having the best and well deserved trip ever, I am now back with only two days to my surgeons appointment and don't feel ready to make that decision. I didn't think about it too much while I was in America and knew that once I was back I would need to starting thinking about it again. It's been three weeks and I haven't given it a thought until now. I actually thought I had two more weeks till my appointment but it got brought forward. The initial shock has very much subsided and I'm feeling healthy and physically OK. It's actually no longer feeling like an emergency. I mean, it is still and it isn't. I've had the tests and I've not got cancer, but I do have cancer causing implants. I need them out ASAP, (as ASAP as the NHS waiting list will take anyway). It was starting ...
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Love Cats

So who would have thought that cats could give you a lesson about love. I've don't think I have ever really been fully capable of loving, nor have I been able to receive it. It's the same old cliche saying, ‘You have to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else.’ I remember the first time somebody told me that, and I had no idea how I was actually supposed to love myself. My first cat sit in America started 2 weeks ago. I'd been road tripping for six weeks and I knew that being on my own and staying put was not going to be easy for me, but I knew that it would also be good for me. This might teach me to be able to be completely alone. I didn't realize how alone I was actually going to be though. When I first arrived in Woodstock I had met a few people, and when I came back I assumed I would be meeting up with them again. However, Thanksgiving fell on the 2 weeks I was in Woodstock and most people were away. Woodstock also became a very sleepy ...
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The Big USA Trip

I’m over halfway through my travels in America and after Mondays amazing day I thought I’d write a blog post about it and how far I’ve come since I’ve been away. At the beginning of my trip In Woodstock, New York I came across on article about a photographer, Isis Charise, who was taking photos of women who’d had breast cancer. She called it the Grace Project. In honour of breast cancer awareness month, she selected some of the photos that were displayed in a gallery close by. I was so excited about this I had to go. The exhibition was very powerful and emotional. I had to meet and talk to Isis. We chatted about the project and my cancer experience and then she asked me if I wanted to be involved and I jumped at the opportunity. So back in Woodstock after my road trips, I contacted Isis and we scheduled a photoshoot in. She had mentioned this abandoned hotel at the top of a mountain and that it would be a great place to shoot. I loved the idea of this! It had snowed the day befor...
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A huge milestone

So, I turned 40 a month ago and am now officially 11 years cancer free. That’s a pretty huge achievement for me considering I've nearly died a few times. As you can imagine, being diagnosed with cancer felt like the worst day of my life. I didn't necessarily think I was going to die though, I had too much of an 'I'm invincible attitude'. It was the the treatment and losing my breast that scared me the most. Birthday photos It's been a very very long journey. People assume cancer ends the day it's been taken out and you're in remission. It's definitly not. You're left with emotional pain that people can't see. If I could turn back the clock I would have dived straight into therapy. It wasn't necessarily just to talk about cancer but all the emotional pain and trauma I had before, which I believe contributed massively to me developing breast cancer. I started my self healing journey four years ago. I did well to begin with and figured...
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