I had my expander (my temporary reconstruction) filled up with saline today. I have had it done once before, a few weeks ago. Its is to expand and stretch the skin. It can not be filled up to your size when it is put in. So I was not balanced out straight away. They initially told me that it would need to be filled up about 7 times. Seven times seemed an awful lot. They said that it needs to be slightly bigger, but I thought I would end up lob sided if I had it done 7 times.
The good news is that might have been the last time they do it. Im looking pretty big on that side now.
It is already looking bigger then my real breast and is rock hard and very round. I feel like Jordan on one side! Its not very comfortable for a few days and I can not sleep on my front anymore. I often find myself waking up on my front and freaking out thinking I could crush it. Apparently you can't. I guess its a little like when your pregnant only not such a big bump.
Its quite amazing how they do it actually. I have a port underneath my skin. They use a magnet to find the port and then stick a needle in and fill it up. It doesn't hurt but you can feel it getting larger and then its a little uncomfortable for a few days.
I stupidly watched Peter and Katie (Jordan) in hospital. Jordan was having her breasts done AGAIN. She said she wanted them rock hard and very round. IS SHE MAD?!! There seriously has to be something wrong with that girl. All I can thing is she must be incredibly insecure and addicted to surgey. I have never understood why any woman would go under the knife for something that extreme. I only understand if its because a girl was so insecure about something it really effected her life. Jordan was perfectly fine before if you ask me.
I'm sure I'll be very happy with my breasts when they are done. But I would give anything to have my own breast back. I actually got really riled at a flippant comment Kate Moss made. She said in so many words that fake breasts were absolutely disgusting. Well its OK for her to say that when she has the perfect body. Yes I would agree when it gets as extreme as Jordan you do start to wonder. But she has obviously has not thought why some people might have implants.
I don't wear many baggy tops. In fact I had to buy one for when I got out of hospital. I'm not sure you can really tell unless you stare at my chest, but all my tops are tight and I'll be damned if I'm going out and buying a load of baggy ones!
Its a good job its winter, that's all I can say!!
I'm having my PICC line put in tomorrow morning. Im dreading it! When the nurse described it to be I felt myself going woozy!
Instead of having a cannula put in every time and ruining your veins, there is a thing called a PICC line which they insert into a vein in your arm and goes up into your chest. Doesn't sound too pleasant but at least it'll save my veins, and put it this way I'd be a hopeless smack addict!
Comments
I was sent the link today to your blog and have spent the last hour reading your entries with total shock and amazement.
It seems so ironic that at such a young age we form opinions of people which stay with us until something happens to change them. I can honestly say I am so surprised at some of the issues you have discussed and battled with (as i am sure many others who were at school with you are). I always felt you were always soo beautiful and too perfect to approach, and as a result found it easier to find fault in a pathetic attempt to make myself feel less self consious in comparison.(Thats a compliment by the way!)
As you grow up i think one of the hardest battles is discovering and being honestly proud of who you truely are - and you deserve to be very proud of the person you have become.
I married the most wonderful man who suffers with a life long illness which is occassionally devastating. It is something that people only relate to with old people yet we battle eveyday with trying to find information and other young sufferers. I know from experience that what you are doing with this blog will not only become a lifeline for some people but also provide inspiration and hope beyond anything you can imagine.
I can only use my own experiences with Daniels health to relate to your situation, but never be afraid to get angry or feel as if its all too much. After these moments pass, a re-newed sense of energy and positiveness replaces them and its these that will keep you going and give you the strength needed to handle to basics of day to day life.
I know sometimes we are so focused on Dan's problems that its actually the smaller daily issues that become hard to tackle, (that sounds very strange).
I sincerly hope your journey continues along its present path and your recovery continues to go from strengh to strength.
SAM (Kerry)
Good luck for the PICC line tomorrow morning. Will be thinking of you.
A xx
as we talked about the other day I felt awful for having my boobs done but then as you said it was for purely confidence reasons... I made sure before that I could still breast feed and have mamogrammes and have recently learnt how to do my monthly checks not just my breasts but my glands too.
When I was going through personal life issues I as Sam said couldn't deal so well with the everyday things... I once came out of Tecso and sobbed as the woman at the check out didn't help me pack my shopping! (princess or what!) but then I dealt so well with the bigger problems at hand as and you well know came out the other side a different and stronger person and I have no doubt that I am witnessing you do the same.
I am so proud to be your friend and am inspired by your strength which in all honesty I had no idea you have...
I love you x x x
I started following your blog once your little sister Liz sent me the info. It's a fab thing you are doing here!
Especially interesting are the parts where you have written that you feel there's a link between emotional issues and physical symptoms. I had glandular fever for a year at uni and it came about half a year after some difficult emotional times for me. I completely agree with you about this. I found body alignment with a lady called Anne Gregory,really helped me with this-worth a try if you're interested.
http://annegregoryclinic.com/bat.html
I'm sure you won't dismiss this as something silly as you sound really open minded, which is lovely.
Although I don't know you, I'm thinking of you and wishing you well on this difficult journey. Good luck.
:)
Charlotte Jones
As I leave this comment you are having your PICC line inserted. I'm thinking of you and really really hope it's not too uncomfortable.
Love you
Mum
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