The 18th of September. That date will stay with me forever. I was getting my results in the afternoon so I took the day off work and went into town and went shopping for a belt to go with an outfit for my friends 30th birthday which was the next night. I bought a belt, hair slides and even some hair dye, that's how convinced I was that I'd be OK.
I met my mum from the train station and headed to the hospital. Joe met us there from work. I walked up to the hospital and a white feather fell from the sky right in front of me. It was comforting but worrying at the same time. I believe in guardian angels and I knew this was a way of mine saying I'm around you right now. I thought this could either mean things are OK or there not but it will all be OK.
I was called in very quickly considering I was so used to waiting around for ages. The doctor was a very cheerful character and greeted me like he knew me. He examined me again felt around my shoulders and then gave me a little sympathetic rub on the arm and said you can get dressed now. I wasn't sure how to take that. We went into "the quiet room" with the doctor and the nurse. The doctor had a beaming smile and was so jolly I was really expecting him to say every things fine, its just a cyst. He said the results showed the lump to be suspicious, a word I'd heard so many times now.
I now started to feel nervous. He told me the bad news still smiling. It was so surreal, I felt like I was dreaming or that he was joking and that he was going to turn around to me and say "Only jokin!" The news hit me like nothing I have ever felt before. I felt sick, I thought now I know what its like to hear that someone close to you has passed away. It was gut wrenching! Immediately mum and I started to cry.
Joe had nipped out before to get someone to eat because I said we normally wait around for ages. I just remember my mum saying "I'm so sorry Em, you don't deserve this." I tried to compose myself a little and thought well this might not be as bad as it sounds. The doctor continued to say that the tumour was very big and that it had spread to my lymph nodes in my armpit and that I would lose my breast. I just could not believe what I was hearing. It has to be every woman's worst nightmare. All I could think was that I am so young and this could not happen to me. It does not run in the family and being young and healthy I thought everything was on my side.
No women should lose a breast especially at the age of 29. Ive only ever heard of women in their 50's and older losing a breast. The doctor proceeded to tell me I would have to have all treatments which were chemotherapy, radiology and hormone treatment. He told me it was a grade 3 invasive tumour which didn't mean that much to me but the word invasive didn't sound too good. I was finding this all to hard to take in. I said I needed to see Joe so the McMillan nurse went to get him. I'm pretty sure he was expecting good news and when he saw me crying his face dropped and I could tell he was in shock to.
Joe asked the doctor of lots questions and I felt like I went into a bit of a daze and was shaking. I stared into space and wasn't listening to what they were saying. I couldn't possibly take any more information in. It was too much to take in and I just wanted to get out of there. So we left and arranged to see them again to talk about what was the next step to take and to find out a little more about it.
I went and had my blood test and chest x-ray to get it out the way. I was walking around the hospital in a daze. I started to feel panicky, and by throat and chest felt tight which made it hard to breathe and I started crying.
Still in a state of shock and not really knowing what to do we all went down to the beach. Fortunately it was a beautiful day so we went and sat down near to the sea. I felt like I wanted to be on my own but wasn't sure that was a good idea. My mum went off to try and ring my dad and sisters. It must of been horrible for her. How do you break news like that to everyone especially when every was so convinced it would be OK. I text three of my closest friends as they knew I was getting my results and really wanted to speak to them.
One of my friends who is a nurse and is as open as me so very good to talk to said she would come over straight away to be with me if that's what I wanted and I said yes as I also thought it would be a good distraction.
We sat on the beach all day. We walked home while the sun was setting in front of us, it felt like a long walk but was good as it was a beautiful evening. I always loved being by the sea and found it very therapeutic to sit there looking out at this big open space and let go of your thoughts and fears. I spoke to a few friends and family while walking back, they were all so shocked and really didn't no what to say.
That evening my friend Vanessa came over. Being a nurse she is used to this sort of thing so she was the perfect person to be around straight away. We talked about it and talked about other stuff and for a moment everything felt normal and then I just burst into tears when I realised this was really happening. I knew that this was how it was going to feel for the next couple of weeks. It was going to have to slowly sink in over the next few weeks. I'm not sure it actually ever sinks in though to be honest. I still cant quite believe it now. I don't feel like I have cancer.
The next two weeks my emotions were all over the place. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my whole life! I'm good at crying too and I know its better to let it out then keep it all bottled up. It was very weird, one minute I was watching Flight of the Concords laughing my head off like everything was normal and then it would just suddenly hit me and I would break down.
There was no way of escaping reality, even in my dreams there was no escape! Joe and I tried to keep ourselves as busy as possible. Joe was great, he was being very strong for me and making sure I was OK. It brought us even closer together as it should. Joe took some time off work and we went over to Hastings to his parents house.
The weather was beautiful, a typical autumn day. Autumn is my favourite season. It always feels so magical and there are so many beautiful colours from all the leaves changing colour. Being out in the country and by the sea away from the city and lots of people always made me feel so much better. We went for a long walk on Winchelsea beach and took some photographs.
Telling friends was hard to. I was not sure how to do it first. Some friends new I had been waiting for results so had asked how it went anyway. I didn't want to ring out of the blue to the friends that didn't know. I decided that emailing some was the best way. It would then give them a chance to let it sink in a bit and then call me when they were ready. I hoped they didn't mind me doing it this way.
One of my good friends rang me in tears. She was on holiday and I felt so bad but she was fine and said she was glad she knew. I told people that it was OK to tell other people and would rather them know as it would become obvious anyway at some point. A lot of my friends were amazing and knew exactly how to be and know what to say. Some were a little scared and didn't contact me for a while as they did not know what to say which I understood.
I think when you are in any situation where you have heard terrible news you just want to know that everyone is there for you and cares. Actions speak louder then words after all. Its amazing though when something like this happens and you find out how much people really do care for you and would do anything for you.
Its brought me so much closer to some friends especially ones I'd lost contact with. I have been so lucky and so grateful for all the support i have got already. Even from across the globe! My kiwi friends and an old friend who is in America have been amazing.
I was also worried for my partner as I knew he would need lots of support too. I knew he needed the support not only for himself but so that he could support me too. He's not as open as me and I knew he wouldn't tell anyone for a while so I asked an old friend of his to ring him. His friend has since been amazing and it his brought them closer together after many years.
I was disappointed with some of his friends as a few weren't so forthcoming with the support. I really don't think it takes much even if you don't know what to say just to tell them they are thinking of you and will help out in anyway etc. I really don't know what people are scared of.
On the 23rd I had an appointment to talk to the oncologist to talk about what was going to happen next. I was told on the 18th that I that I could either have chemo first and then the surgery, where I would have a full reconstruction straight away (which didn't seem so bad) or the other way round.
They said having the chemo first was probably the best option but it was up to me. That wasn't to be the case on this day though. I was told I would have to have the surgery first and then the chemo. I asked whether I could have the reconstruction straight away and he told me I couldn't have it until after the radiotherapy because the radiotherapy could ruin it. I did not like hearing that one bit but thought what choice do I have.
I got my blood and chest x-ray results and all was OK. My parents were so relieved as was I but I pretty much knew they would be as did the oncologist, so it did not feel like hearing amazing news. It was not till the end that I asked when I would get a reconstruction and McMillan nurse said 6 months after the radiotherapy. That was a year in total. I broke down in tears, it was more devastating news.
We found out as much as we could for now and we walked out to the car. We walked half way and I broke down and cried like Ive never cried before. It was another huge knock back. This really was my worst nightmare. I didn't think things could be any worse after hearing the news on the 18th but they were. I did not know how I was suppose to cope with not having a breast for a whole year. This did not seem right and did not seem fair. I felt like I had enough to deal with let alone having to emotionally cope with that as well.
I kept imagining having no breast and having a flat left side of my chest with a scar. I thought I would feel like an absolute freak. How would I be able to look at myself in the mirror, how could I ever let Joe see me naked. I would never want him to come near me or touch me. It would destroy our relationship I thought. What would it be like when summer came. I would not be able to go to the beach and wear a bikini or even go down and see other girls in bikinis. I would have to cover myself up and constantly look at over women and probably accuse Joe of looking at other girls.
That's how I really thought I would feel. I'm insecure at the best of times but to have no breast?! There was no way this was happening. I told people and most said to me "Oh its only a year. Its fantastic news about your results though isn't it?" I know they were just trying to be positive but I felt so angry. It was NOT JUST a year! I had good news and bad news that day and the bad news completely took over the good news so I didn't care that my results were good.
I felt so alone, no one was to know how I could be possibly feeling. I actually wanted everyone to be really empathetic and agree that is was totally awful that I was to have to cope with no breast for a year. I started to feel like I was being really vain or spoilt because I was making such a big deal out of this and no body else seemed to think it was that bad and that I should be happy as my results were good. It felt like I needed at least a temporary reconstruction just to help me get through the months ahead which were going to be tough enough. Everyone I seemed to ask said the same thing, that I could not have any type of reconstruction but I was almost not willing to accept this.
I went back to Leicester to where I was going to see all my family for the first time. I felt really sick about going because I thought it would be so emotional. Ive four sisters and we are all quite emotional people so I was prepared for a blub fest! I arrived and it actually wasn't that bad. In fact it was my brother in law that was the first to nearly cry.
It was a really good weekend with hardly any tears and lots of laughter. Its just what I needed. My youngest sister, Liz told me about a girl she worked with had an older sister who had just gone through what I had a year ago and she was the same age. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one. I emailed her telling her about not being able to have a reconstruction. She replied saying she'd had one with no problems.
I can no begin to tell you how happy hearing that made me feel. I instantly felt so relieved, but I still did not understand why I was not being offered one. Leila rang me and we had a good chat. It was the first person I had spoken to that had gone though what I was about too. She was so lovely to talk to and she understood totally where I was coming from and said there was no way she would of been able to cope without the temporary reconstruction and that it really helped her get through the rest of the treatment. I knew I would be speaking to Leila a lot more and was so grateful to her for sharing with me her experience.
A few days later I had my pre op with the surgeon to talk about the surgery. I was ready to go in there all guns blazing and prepared for a bit of a fight to get this temporary reconstruction. The surgeon was so lovely and a lot more compassionate then I'd imagined a surgeon to be. I told him what I wanted and he immediately said yes that is fine. Now THIS was good news!!
I was so surprised! It was such a relief. So they booked me for an appointment to see a plastic surgeon in East Grinstead who was a surgeon for the burns department so I knew he was going to do a fantastic job.
I saw him a few days later but in between this I'd gone on the Internet to find out some information about how a temporary reconstruction was done. There was a website with some photos on and being the curious cat I am had a look. Oh Man! What a bad idea that was. It was horrific! I would advise if anyone is ever unfortunate to be in this position to never ever go looking for info on the net.
The photos must of been very old or something because the reconstruction on these women looked like bodged jobs. I quickly closed the website, walked out the library and rang my mum very upset. My mum said to me "Oh Em don't go there, the photos could just be there for medical purposes and not for people like you to look at." I was hoping she was right but for the rest of day I felt so down and was still convinced I was going to end up looking like a freak.
Meeting the plastic surgeon made me feel more at ease. He explained everything and showed me photos of some reconstructions he had done. And yes they didn't look as half as bad as the ones Id seen on the net. It is actually amazing what they can do these days and I feel so lucky that I was going to be going through this now and not years ago.
Unfortunately he said I was not fat enough (a good thing normally to hear) to have any tissue taken from anywhere to create a more realistic full reconstruction and that I would need implants. I was quite disappointed but If I had had enough fat I would be left with a huge scar on my back or leg so did not like the thought of that anyway. So I was to end up with fake boobs! Not something I can ever say Ive wanted but I had no choice and I thought well at least I'll still have a great set of breasts when I'm a lot older.
I was left feeling confident that he was going to do an amazing job! I had a chat with the breast care nurse about stuff in more detail. I said I was still worried about how I would emotionally deal with things after the surgery and she asked if I wanted to see a psychologist after the surgery. I thought I would defiantly need this.
I was so worried I would not want to show show Joe and let him near me. I did not want to end up pushing him away and destroying our relationship. I knew he was going be very supportive and tell me that I am beautiful and that having my breast removed would not change a thing but that didn't seem to matter to be because its what goes on inside my own head that would be bothering me.
My surgery date was to be on October the 8th. I tried to not think too much about it but obviously there were times were I would. I was so scared. I had never been in hospital before and the thought of waking up in a ward after having had the surgery with other patients who you did not know and probably hadn't had the same done as you was a terrifying prospect.
I thought It was going to be like waking up from a nightmare to find out that that nightmare was real. How could I possibly cope in hospital after having my breast removed and not having your partner or family around you 24/7. I knew I would want to go home straight away and probably cry for days!
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