Life growing up

My surgery was to be on the 8th October. It came around so quickly. I tried to enjoy the 2 weeks I had leading up to it as much as I could. I had so much time to think so instead of thinking of the worst all the time which I do, I tried starting to think more positively about the whole thing. I had to break everything down and not think about the whole thing in one huge chunk, as it seemed too much to bear. Taking each step as it comes is a lot easier and not looking into all the different types of therapy I was going to have.

The reason I want to write a brief outline about my life is because I feel it is relevant to whats going on now. I have not gone into too much detail as its perhaps a bit too personal. I believe I have cancer because of stress and issues I have that I have never confronted and just let it manifest into something toxic inside of me. I read a book that my mum gave me called How to heal your life, by Louise Hay. It made a lot of sense and I already knew a lot of the things she was writing about.

I have always blamed so many of my problems on things that have happened in the past and I know I have to stop doing this. I have to forgive and let go of all the issues and bad things that have happened to me. I have always known this but never really knew how to do it. Reading Louise Hay's book made it clearer and easier for me to do this.




I do think you need to change your mind set when you have a disease like cancer. If you don't then the cancer can return. I can already feel me changing as a person and becoming closer to my family. I used to feel like I didn't belong to my family, like an outsider looking in. It has nothing to do with my family at all as they have always been very loving. Its just something I felt and could never explain why.

Like most people I have had problems and issues within the family, that I've never managed to deal with. I also have had some boyfriends that were either very draining or abusive. I never seemed to pick men very well.

I started to realize that what I was about to go through was going to turn me into an even stronger and more confident woman. I have always lacked confidence and was painfully shy as a young girl. I still don't think I have enough confidence and self esteem now. I am the middle child of 5 girls. I have a wonderful family who love me very much and would do anything for each other. I would say I was a typical middle child growing up. As you can imagine you had to fight to get attention in such a big family but for some reason I didn't. I was quite a placid kid anyway and was happy to sit back and observe. This then become my role in the family. I was the quiet one but as I got older I realized I didn't like being the quiet one, but for some reason I felt like I could not be myself with my family. I guess I started to open up to my friends and I was able to be more myself with them. Although that didn't really start happening till I was in my mid 20's.

It was hard being one of five girls especially, when I was quite different from them. I decided to be a vegetarian at such a young age and wasn't interested in the same things. I liked boys toys when growing up and hated dolls. I thought It was stupid to want to have a baby when you were only a baby yourself and boys toys were much more fun! The only girly things I was into were fairies and Cindy's because I loved fashion. Mum always said I was a perfectionist and my hair and clothes always had to be just right. I loved to colour coordinate my clothes and would go mad if my socks didn't match. I can't say I'm still like that now but I do still love fashion.

It felt like I would be compared to my other sisters and was very down on myself because I wasn't as clever as them or didn't want the same things in life as them. I thought my parents would love me less or wish I was more like the rest of my sisters. However, it didn't make me want to conform. I was the way I was and I liked being different even though I struggled with it.

I loved experimenting and had all the colours and hair cuts under the sun. I started to go through a tom boy stage because at the time I felt like it was the only way to be different from other girls. I was still so self conscious though which doesn't make sense I know. I am still like this. I love wearing different clothes, especially vintage stuff from the 60's and 70's, but hate people looking at me and thinking I'm weird. I always wanted not to care about what other people thought of me, but for some reason I do. I remember going to a disco when I was about 14. I put on a crop top with a star on it, mini skirt, knee high socks and platform shoes. I walked down stairs and my sister's boyfriend at the time said to me "What the hell are you wearing, you look ridiculous". I ran upstairs and got changed.

I knew that I never wanted to do the norm, which to me was to finish school, go to uni, get a degree, get a career, meet a nice man, get married and have children. The thought of that just scared the hell out of me. I didn't feel I was put on this planet just to do all that... well not so soon anyway.

I knew I wanted to do lots of things before I settled down. I knew from a young age that I wanted to travel and even not want to stay in this country. I had thoughts at such a young age like 'Do I really want to bring children into this world with the way its going. I used to say to myself: ' Why would I think things like that?'

I was not brought up as a socialist or to be liberal yet I had all these alternative views about life that I didn't know where they were coming from. We all used to joke saying that I was the milkman's. Obviously I wasn't as I look very much like the rest of my family.

I pretty much rebelled against everything when I was growing up but I wouldn't say I was a handful. I felt like I was constantly in my parents bad books though. I hated conforming and had different ideas and views about life that nobody else seemed to have, so I thought I was weird and didn't talk to anyone about them. I think this is what made me so shy and not very open when I was young. I was always so desperate to leave school as I hated that too. I was diagnosed with dyslexia at a very young age, but the school I went to at the time didn't seem to recognise and understand it, so really I struggled and I felt that I was made to feel stupid. That also did my confidence no good at all.

I remember hitting puberty at the age of 13 and my young fresh looking skin started to suffer from acne. It might not be as bad as people remember but it was bad enough to me. I always had a lot of spots and this made me even more self conscious. I started wearing tonnes of foundation. I remember a friend saying "What has happened to your skin?" I thought people must be noticing how terrible my skin looked. I would cry in the morning before going to school from not being able to cover them up. This then made my face look red and swollen and look worse. I did not want to wear make-up at such a young age, but I thought people would think I was ugly.

I had a group of friends at school but was always better at one to one and hated being part of a big group, as I would shy away. I had a lot of different best friends and I think that's how people got to know me best. Eventually some of them ended up being very two faced and bitchy and I didn't understand why. I was quiet and never said boo to a goose. I was verbally bullied at school too and would come home crying so many times. My parents had had enough so went to the head mistress. We were shocked at her response. All she could say to me was that I was bigger than the other girl. What the hell has that got to do with anything. I wasn't being physically bullied which I probably would have preferred, if I am honest. I was not going to punch her just because she was smaller then me. My Mum would tell me that some of my friends were probably bitchy because they were jealous, but I still did not understand why.I thought by being loud I would have made thing worse so I stayed quiet. I was and still am a very sensitive person anyway which doesn't help.

I had heard one day that my best friend at the time had slagged me off behind my back. I remember my friend telling me that she had said, "She's just all looks and nothing in between." I was so upset by this. How could she say this when were best friends. It was obviously rubbish I thought, why would you be best friends with someone that wasn't interesting. She then later proceeded to steal my boyfriend off me.

So I knuckled down and worked really hard and got good grades. I was glad to leave school and move on. I'll never forget the leaving ceremony we had. My best friend at the time looked around at all the girls crying. We looked at each other and I remember saying to her how funny I thought it was because I was so glad to leave and that I was more upset that England had lost to Germany in the World cup. She laughed in agreement and instead of crying we both had a chuckle!

So I left school at 16 and went to college to do my 'A' levels. I again struggled with these. I was more creative and loved Art so choose more creative subjects but was being pushed into more academic subjects because everyone thought it was best to keep my options open so I chose Business studies which was totally not what I wanted to do and I hated it. I gave that up and started psychology which I found fascinating but struggled with as essays which were never my forte and there was a lot of essay writing.

I thought bugger this I'm going to do what I originally wanted to do - photography.

I loved it!

I found something apart from art that I was really good at, and passionate about. I don't think the other students were too impressed though, as I started in the 2nd year and my lecturer would praise me so much because I'd never done it before and I was the best in the class. This was great for my self esteem though as I'd never really excelled at anything before.

I decided to go to Uni and do photography. I really wanted to do Art Foundation but for some reason my art teacher told me I wasn't good enough so I didn't do it. I really do now regret listening to her because looking back at it I WAS good enough. I hated everything about Uni. I felt old before my time. It was like all these 18 year old kids had been let out for the first time and were going wild. I'd already done a bit of that so found it quite boring. I just liked to go where I would enjoy the music and dance to my hearts content. I wasn't interested in all these silly nights nights to see who could get the most drunk, be the loudest and snog as many guys as possible. The whole thing bored me.

I didn't like the course I was on either. It was creative enough and it was the sort of course you did if you wanted to do wedding photography or portraits. Very commercial, which wasn't me.

So I quit and didn't know what the hell to do.

I bumped into an old friend who worked at her Dad's designer fashion shop in town and she said she could get me a job. I'd never had a job before, apart from working part time at a supermarket while I was at college.

I loved earning more money and working in fashion quite suited me. It gave me lots of confidence too as I was having to help people on more of a personal level, it being an independent shop. I met some great people working there and got a good social life from it too, but I ended up realising the nights out I was going on weren't really me. I still couldn't seem to find enough people who were into the same thing as me. I was still quite shy and thought I was weird. However, it was nice meeting lots of people who hadn't been to private school. They seemed so much more different.

It wasn't until I started to have my hair cut with a guy called Paolo that things started to change. He is very spiritual (not religiously) and into alternative thinking. We got on so well and started talking lots and became very close friends. He made me realise that I wasn't weird and wasn't alone in the way I thought. This made me feel so much better but I still wasn't open about what my thoughts and beliefs were, and I was still frustrated that I wasn't meeting lots of people like him. I'd always had too many guy friends and was desperate to meet some really good girlfriends who were on my wavelength.

I worked there for a while but getting cheap designer clothes was a bit of a trap and I soon got bored.

I'd just got out of a bad relationship which had left me with no self esteem so I decided finally to do what I'd always wanted to do - go travelling.

I had a friend in Australia at the time so rang her up and said I was coming over. I was planning on staying for a year but came back after 3 months for my sisters wedding. I had the best 3 months of my life! It was just what I needed to boost my confidence. I went travelling around on my own which I was scared of doing at first but became to realise that this was the best way of doing it. I met two American girls along the way who were crazy and so lovely, so we decided to travel around with them. It was an unforgettable experience. I came back a different person but it had given me the travel bug and I wanted to do more. I also found it even harder being back in the UK and felt like I had nothing in common with anyone anymore and lost touch with some of my friends.

Six months later I saved enough money to go away again. A friend of mine was in Whistler, Canada snowboarding. Having done a little bit before I thought this would be fantastic. It was, but I broke my wrist half way through the trip and ran out of money so had to come home. I was starting to think that I wasn't meant to travel as my trips were being cut short. Not sure what to do I got a job working in a skate shop and met some really cool people, more on my wavelength.

After a while I got bored again and knew I had to go and do something different. I had looked at going back to Uni again and came across a wildlife photography course which looked amazing. It was in Blackpool and that put me off. After a few months I realised I really did want to do this course so I applied. It's the only degree course in Europe and that had students from a ll over the world applying so knew it would be hard to get on. I made a portfolio up and went for my interview. I was so nervous. Expecting to hear 'You'll hear from us by post.' There and then they told me that they liked my work and they wanted me on the course. I was over the moon!

I started the next year and enjoyed the course. For the first time I loved my lecturers and was very passionate about the subject. It was a fascinating course as it wasn't all about photography. We had science lessons, and art history which I was really enjoying. I can't say I enjoyed being in Blackpool though and going back as a mature student was really tough. The people on my course were the nicest people but a lot younger then me so I found it hard to socialise. I did, but I think they thought I was mad as all I did was dance like crazy! I also broke the mould of the typical wildlife photography student. We were named by the 'normal' photography students as 'Squirrel snappers.'

I was doing really well and getting good grades and my tutors were really pleased with me. It soon changed when I had to start writing rationals and essays. I started to feel like I was back at school again and couldn't cope with feeling frustrated by my dyslexia. I was annoyed that I was getting judged on my writing and it was letting my marks down. I started to realize though that I didn't actually need this degree and I could go off and be a photographer without having a qualification in it. I was so scared about telling my parents I was going to quit. It was a hard decision to make, I think if it wasn't in Blackpool and I had closer friendships with people I might have stayed.

I moved back home to Leicester. I was always trying to get away from Leicester but seemed to end up back there again. I think I was constantly running away from problems and issues I had about things I had in my head. My friend Paolo knew a couple of people in Hastings and I'd meet two girls on Myspace from there too so I went down there with Paolo to the Jack of the Green festival.

I fell in love with the Old Town and the fact Hastings still celebrated Pagan festivals really appealed to me. It felt like stepping back in time and I love that. So I decided to moved down there.

I had great summer and met some amazing people who are now my closest friends. I had never met so many accepting people who were really interested in you and were on the same wavelength. I felt like I really could be me! I had got into the 60's/70's scene while going out with a guy from Leeds and love wearing vintage clothes but didn't have the confidence to do that in Leicester. I would but I got so many stares and weird looks from people it bothered me. So being in Hastings where there were more people like me was fab!

I met a guy Joe, who I am with now in Hastings who is actually the complete opposite to my previous boyfriend and at first I didn't think we were right for each other because he wasn't into the same thing. I looked like a a full on 60's chick and Joe was very relaxed in his look, so at first I don't think anyone would of put us together. We did, however, have the same views, opinions and morals and we wanted the same out of life. I had never come across I guy who wanted these things, so we instantly connected.

He was about to go travelling 2 months later, so we decided just to have some fun while he was still about. I ended up moving back home to Leicester as things weren't working out in Hastings in then end. When I left I realised how much I wanted to be with this guy. I thought, I'm not letting this one go without a fight. When I want something I do my god damn hardest to get it! So I asked him if I could eventually come out to see him in Australia. He eventually agreed and I saved up and went out just before Christmas.

So for the last 2 years we had been traveling and had an amazing time. I did get ill while I was traveling and suffered from really bad urine infections. I went to the doctors on several occasions and was given antibiotics each time. The urine infections kept coming back. I got it so frequently that it seemed like there was something else wrong. I went back to the doctors and asked if we could find out what was wrong. I had tests and all showed up OK. One doctor told that because I was a girl it was normal and had to put up with it. I was not happy with this.

It got to the point where I was feeling infections every day. I knew this was not normal and was so distressed as it was ruining my trip. I went to see a naturapath who tested me for the yeast infection, candida. I had never heard of candida before and also had no idea how much food can cause different things. I've always eaten what I want because I've been fortunate to get away with it.

The naturapath looked as me as a whole and we talked about my whole life. I never realised that your emotional health could effect your physical health. It made sense why I had this yeast infection. I was not happy though when I was told to give up, sugar, yeast, wheat and alcohol. What did that leave!! I am such a foody so found this difficult but managed to do it for 2 months until I gave up.

I had to cut my travels short once again. I guess when I think about it now it was a blessing in disguise. I would not have like to been half way across the world and found the lump in my breast. I'm still suffering with it now. Its a pain but at least I am having to eat very healthy.

We got back this year and it took ages to try and adapt back to normal life. We both hated it! We tried living in Leicester and Hastings but it wasn't working. I always wanted to live in Brighton but Joe was never keen. Luckily fate was on my side and the only job Joe could find was in Brighton so we ended up there. I love Brighton, its an exciting place to live. You can be whoever you want to be and feel comfortable.

I started a dressmaking course as I lost my passion a little for photography. I still love it but didn't think I could make a career out of it. Again, this was purely because I didn't have any confidence. I feel like I'm a typical creative type with lots of talent but not any confidence to do anything with it. The dressmaking, I was very passionate about and felt like this was where I was going to take my career. I started temping just to help pay the bills and the rent. I had only been working for 2 weeks when I found out I'd got breast cancer.

It has turned my life upside down and was angry for a while, but I do believe I know why I have it. So instead of letting it get to me and bringing me down I am trying to be as positive as I can. I feel like I will finally sort out a lot of my issues that I never sorted out and will be a stronger more confident women. I believe good always comes out of bad and I can already feel it happening.