Living with breast cancer in my twenties

I had wasted a whole day in bed recovering from the night before, so only had Christmas eve to finishing making my Christmas presents. The district nurse came round early morning to flush my line and I had the rest of the day to do last minute Christmas sewing, wrapping and shopping. I had bought some Cath Kidston fabric and made purses and bags for all the girls and bought stocking fillers to put inside. By the end of it I was sick of sewing zips, but glad to have got them finished and was great spending time being creative even if I did have fights with the sewing machine! My niece Evie woke up with spots all over her. We all feared it was chicken pox. My other sister Loo and her family were just getting over the flu and we were worried that we might not have been spending Christmas together. We were all a little worried about me catching something off someone. I rang the chemo nurse to see if It was OK to be around everyone. She said it is impossible to totally avoid it and just n...

I am meant to be sewing the rest of my Christmas presents today but am way too to tired from the party we had last night! I was a good girl and only had three glasses of wine and plenty of water but still have the after effects of a good night. I have gone from a low to a high in that past three days. I woke up on Friday to a phone call from the hospital telling me that my chemo would be on Christmas eve! Well you can imagine what my reaction to that was.... in the politest possible way I told them they could forget it! Why on earth would I be OK about having chemo on Christmas eve of all days. Im surprised they even do it on that day anyway. I wouldn't think anyone would be having it then. They called me back to tell me that I would have to have it on New years eve instead. Still not great but its better then the previous date. Its unfortunate that my chemo has to be on Wednesdays and those two Eve's land on those days. At least I will not be tempted to go out. New years eve h...

This is not far from how my reaction was yesterday when I tried on a wig. The first one I tried on I absolutely hated and wanted it off immediately. The lady told me to keep it on for a while but I couldn't, It looked ridiculous. She could sense I wasn't happy. It sat on top of my head and was so obviously not real. It reminded me off when I was young and used to dress up, we had this awful wig I'd put on. She brought me more to try but I wasn't being convinced in the slightest. I guess having short hair now and having got used to it now, was quite bizarre to then look at myself with long hair. I tried on a real hair wig as there was no way I could wear a synthetic one. It felt a lot better but still so hard to tell as they were all cut in certain styles that I didn't like. I'm a fussy bugger and I knew that if I couldn't get what I wanted I wouldn't bother at all. I would probably have to buy a plain one and get it cut into the style I like. Its so har...

Creativity! I need to start being creative again. I had to give up my dressmaking course in Brighton and was due to start a pattern cutting course in January. It seems so unfair that having cancer has stopped me from doing that. I did start on the last term of a dressmaking course in Leicester when I got back from traveling. I loved it! Apart from my photography I stopped being creative which is criminal if you have talent. Not that I thought I was particularly amazing at anything. I never had the confidence to pursue anything creative I did because I didn't think any of it was good enough. Its awful not believing in yourself. It helps having support and encouragement which I never had much of. School and college wanted me to push my academic subjects. It infuriates me why they don't push you at what your good at and not what your not good at.There are enough academics in the world. The world need creative people too otherwise we would be living in an extremely boring and dull ...

I was hoping I would be feeling OK by now.... no such luck. I feel like I'm coming down with something but determined not to get ill. The last thing I want is to get an infection and a temperature, otherwise I might have to go into hospital. I hear the Flu is going round so I need to sort out getting the flu jab. I've still not heard about whether I can have my next chemo up here, so that's another thing I have to chase up! The last think I want to do is to go back to Brighton for it. I have just spoken to a lovely lady who suffers from alopecia. She told me that the NHS in Leicester are great for helping you sort out a wig. Apparently very convincing too. Trendco I hear are the best to purchase a wig from. Strangely enough there was an article in a Sunday supplement about wigs, saying how fashionable they are now. A lovely lady I met over myspace is starting to write blogs about her Kidney failure. She is having a kidney transplant on Wednesday, so I wish her the very best...

There is nothing like being home with your mum. Home cooking, morning tea in bed, having your washing done, no housework and best of all the company of your loving and crazy mum! I have a beautiful bedroom too which have filled with all my vintage clothes, fabric and sewing bits. I had my last injection today and the nurse left her mark with a painful jab. I have been a lot better this week with the injections that I have for 5 days on the 5th day after chemo. When I first had them they made me feel very ill, headaches and bone ache. I did not seem to suffer badly this time, apart from the odd morning headache but my body must be getting used to them. My arm however has been a bit of a mess. I seem to be allergic to everything they use, even the PICC line. The line and plasters have left me very red, bumpy and itchy. I looked like I had 3rd degree burns the other day. The nurse realized my arm needed some air to heal so stopped using the plasters. My arm is less itchy but looks like i...

.... because the starlings are flocking. Saturday afternoon we went down to the burnt down pier and watched the starlings flock. It is the most dazzling natural display I think there is to see. A huge murmuration of starlings gather together and put on THE most amazing spectacle of shapes before thousands of them tunnel down on to the pier to roost. If you can find out where you can see this in your area DO check it out! Its beautiful to watch these birds in dusk forming shapes and light in such an eloquent fashion. The last week has been very emotional. I went back to the flat last Wednesday night because my district nurse was coming over the next morning to flush my PICC line. I knew it was going to be painful seeing Joe after the turbulent weekend we'd had together. That evening was extremely emotional to say the least. It was hard not to act like we were a couple again. Naturally we did. There were a lot of tears that evening. We knew we were doing the right thing for both of ...

This photo was taken in New Zealand. Joe made me climb up this huge mountain with him. I'm not scared of heights but doubted my ability to climb it and was a little scared. It seemed a long way up but I eventually got there. At the top I was very scared as it was very steep, and I was frightened about falling. I know coming down was going to be just as scary. I climbed down, slightly fearful not knowing if I was going to fall. I didn't, I got back down safely. It felt good to be down. I'd achieved something I was not sure I was capable off as well as being fearful.... but I did it! This is a bit how battling cancer feels. Its a bit scary and you do not know what to expect but you know you will get through it the other side, feeling very good about yourself, proud of how you coped and what you have achieved. Apart from cancer the other dreaded C word has to be chemotherapy. The word chemo to me as to probably many people has bad connotations attached to it. I will never forg...

It seems like its been ages since I came out of hospital, 7 weeks in fact. I stopped writing in my diary so do not remember an awful lot. It felt great to be home again and to be in my own environment again! I slept like a baby and enjoyed no interruptions. Joe's cooking was great compared to the hospital food. In fact his cooking is very good anyway, one of the things I love about him. I would say the way to my heart is defiantly through my stomach! The only down fall about being home alone though was all the time I had on my hands. I ended up looking up all sorts of things to do with the treatment I was going to be having. I would get myself into a frenzy about it. Looking at all treatments all at once seemed too much to bare too! You really do have to take each step as it comes and to try and not look things up on the Internet or you can never see the light at the end of the tunnel. A few days later I found a little lump underneath my wound and totally freaked out. I thought it ...

Well firstly I feel GREAT! I luuuuuuurve my new hair do! Its given me some new found confidence strangely enough. I wish I'd had it done ages ago. I have had short hair before but no way near as good as this one. My friend and hairdresser Jenny Chase is the most talented girl I know. Jen came down from London last night after work. We were both quite nervous about doing it and were nearly in tears. I was still at my friends and was tired and feeling tearful anyway. I knew I what I wanted but I did not have any photos to show Jen. I just told her to do a 60's pixie crop. I tugged on my hair just to make sure it was really falling out still. It seemed like it was only falling out at the back. This is probably where the cold cap was not reaching my scalp. We went for it... it seemed to take a long time but I knew Jen was doing a very good job. She told me she loved it and that she would not do this hair cut on anyone else. I was nervous about what it was going to look like. I had...

Well I think the title of this post says it all really. The last three days have been the most distressing since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd had a lovely night out on the Friday with my friends. Joe and I went back home fairly early and started to talk. This ended up in a huge argument which carried on the next day. Both being fire signs, we threw fire balls at each other and said a lot of hurtful things. It ended up with us splitting up. We have done this many times before but always got back together. Unfortunately this time its for the best, for now anyway at least. I can not go into details obviously, but one of the reasons for our split this cliche sums up quite well, "You can not love any one else until you learn to love yourself." No argument is pleasant but this one was particularly horrible. You can not just switch your feelings off either. It was not exactly good timing but for the moment its for the best. I will be having the rest of my treatment up...