An emotional Christmas

I had wasted a whole day in bed recovering from the night before, so only had Christmas eve to finishing making my Christmas presents. The district nurse came round early morning to flush my line and I had the rest of the day to do last minute Christmas sewing, wrapping and shopping. I had bought some Cath Kidston fabric and made purses and bags for all the girls and bought stocking fillers to put inside. By the end of it I was sick of sewing zips, but glad to have got them finished and was great spending time being creative even if I did have fights with the sewing machine!

My niece Evie woke up with spots all over her. We all feared it was chicken pox. My other sister Loo and her family were just getting over the flu and we were worried that we might not have been spending Christmas together. We were all a little worried about me catching something off someone. I rang the chemo nurse to see if It was OK to be around everyone. She said it is impossible to totally avoid it and just not get too close. The fact that I'd had my last chemo 3 weeks ago too was better as my immune system would be at a high and I was less likely to get ill. So we didn't have to be spending it apart after all.

My two younger sisters arrived, a little worse for wear from the night before. In the afternoon I got dragged to a Christingle church service. I am spiritual but not religious and believe in the pagan traditions rather then the christian ones. I could go on about what I think of Christianity but had better not as I might offend some people. I am not one to shove my beliefs in peoples faces either. I must admit I do like Christmas carols and was looking forward to it for that reason but I can not say I enjoyed the service too much.

Christmas day... not quite the same when you get older, its more magical when your little and I guess it becomes magical again when you have your own children. I woke up feeling a little down. I had a bath and washed my hair, more and more hair seems to fall out each time I wash it. I made an effort by dressing up but felt too thin and wished I had my long hair back. I do like my short hair cut, but some days I just wish I could feel more feminine. I must of stayed in my bedroom for 2 hours crying. I hate being around people when I feel miserable and would rather get on with it on my own.

Christmas always seems to be a time to reflect on the past year and if its not been a good one then It tends to all come out around this time. I had been doing so well up until then and was annoyed I was feeling this way, but I couldn't seem to snap myself out of it. The tears kept coming and I didn't think I'd be able to stop. It was inevitable that this Christmas wasn't going to be one of the best, but seeing as I had been coping so well I thought it would be OK. Christmas is always mad in our household with there being so many of us and I just wasn't in the mood to be festive. It was also a time for most of us to chill out from working hard but as I am not working at the moment it was not too different for me. It was the first Christmas in years that we were all together and that was the main thing

It was a typical Christmas day, lots of drinking, eating and opening of presents. I got lots and lots of books which I can not wait to read and best of all I got a compact camera. I have never had one as I have an SLR but really needed a compact one to take with me everywhere. It was a great surprise as did not ask for one and really was not expecting it.

I was really tired and had quite an early night. It was probably the first Christmas that I hadn't drank and stuffed myself full of mince pies and chocolate.

Boxing day I woke up feeling exactly the same. I was not feeling well and was suffering from my yeast infection. I got so upset as I just wanted to eat what I felt like and put on weight in the process. I can not eat what certain food as it is making me ill. I guess being thin and not being able to put on weight is most girls idea of heaven but believe me it really isn't. I enjoy eating especially all the indulgent foods. So its torturous not being able to do that. It seems very unfair that I have to suffer with this as well.

I spoke to Joe a lot over Christmas. He rang me throughout the day to make sure I was OK. It was weird not spending it with him when we had originally planned to spend it together.

Dad got the cine films out and we watched some very old footage. My parents wedding day was great to watch. Lots of flares, big floppy hats and platforms. I said that that was probably how my wedding would look to as a lot of my friends dress like that now. I would actually love my wedding day to be filmed with a cine film camera.

We had done a secret santa that wasn't so secret as mum let out the she was mine. Everyone seemed to get good presents, I was more then happy with a pictorial biography of Johnny Depp! I had also got Heath Ledgers biography for Christmas, so was looking forward to a night in with my two favourite men!

We ended the night watching a really old black and white 40's film, The Ghost train, appearing Arther Askey. An absolute classic! We all love the old English accents in it and I also love the way the dressed back then, so elegant and stylish. We have watched it every year since we were kids. A film that you can never tire off.

It was a bitterly cold day on the Saturday. I was dying to get out of the house, and what might have seemed a crazy idea turned out to be successful...... shopping!! I am not normally one for wanting to hit the sale madness but it was an excuse to get out all day. I didn't bother too much with the sales but still managed to get some bargains. The vintage purchases being my favourite as usual! I did rather well and the retail therapy once again worked wonders!

That evening I was going to a friends party. I was trying on my new clothes when the lights went out. We had a power cut, the whole street and gone down too. We lit some candles and tried to get ready in the dimly lit light. The lights eventually came back on much to every one's dismay (apart from me). Everyone seemed to be enjoying the cosy candle lit atmosphere.

My little sister and I headed off to the party. There were three old school friends, two of them which I had not seen since I was 16. My poor little sister wasn't feeling too well and ended up being sick so we left early. We had planned to go to another party but my mum and dad weren't feeling too well either so Liz and I met a couple of old friends in town for a bit.

We went to the Orange tree, a pub that used to be my regular. It had been a long time since I had been there and really enjoyed it. I bumped into more people that I hadn't seen in years. I was enjoying seeing old faces again. I could of easily stayed out all night, drank and then gone onto a club and danced all night. Going there made me realise how much I missed going out and socialising. It was going to be a while until I could do that again though.

We went home early as Liz was still feeling sick and the poor little thing, even though being the only sober one on the street, was throwing up like she had been downing shots of zambuca!

Still buzzing, it took me a while to get to sleep. I woke up feeling a little worse for wear. I was supposed to be photographing my uncles' band today but I didn't think driving for the first time in 2 years was a wise idea. Instead it has been a very lazy day!

Joe is coming up tomorrow evening. I'm hoping it wont be too upsetting seeing him again. I have my chemo on new years eve, something I'm not looking forward too. I will be half way there after this next one, but will be starting on the TAX. That one is worse then the FEC and I think things will only get worse from then. My hair will fall out and I may feel more nauseous and tired. I feel and look like I am not going through a battle with cancer at the moment and the next step will make it feel that more real. The physical aspect of it will be more obvious to people. I do hope I manage to cope as well as I have done already. I am prepared for a lot more low points.

I hope you all have a great new years eve and that the new year brings you peace and happiness. I am hoping 2009 has plenty of good things coming my way. I will be turning 30 next year and have a feeling being in my 30's will be an exciting new chapter for me.

It all seems to be about the C words!

I am meant to be sewing the rest of my Christmas presents today but am way too to tired from the party we had last night! I was a good girl and only had three glasses of wine and plenty of water but still have the after effects of a good night.

I have gone from a low to a high in that past three days. I woke up on Friday to a phone call from the hospital telling me that my chemo would be on Christmas eve! Well you can imagine what my reaction to that was.... in the politest possible way I told them they could forget it! Why on earth would I be OK about having chemo on Christmas eve of all days. Im surprised they even do it on that day anyway. I wouldn't think anyone would be having it then. They called me back to tell me that I would have to have it on New years eve instead. Still not great but its better then the previous date. Its unfortunate that my chemo has to be on Wednesdays and those two Eve's land on those days.

At least I will not be tempted to go out. New years eve has always been an anti climax and I only ever seem to have amazing or awful ones. I guess this will be one of the awful ones. It is possible I could have waited another week but I would rather just get it out of the way. Joe will be coming up to spend New years eve with me and a friend has offered to come with me too. I think a night in with some Christmas films will do me fine.

So apart from being a little miffed at the news that morning I also had more bad news. My mum told me that our dog was going to the vets to be put down. He is a very old dog who struggles to do anything and it was hard to know what to do. How do you know when its an animals time to go when they can't help you by telling you. It was decided that it was perhaps his time to go. We were all very upset about the idea and wanted to make sure so we made sure dad asked the vet on his opinion.

All feeling guilty but knowing that this was perhaps the best thing for him we said our goodbyes.
About an hour later dad came home with Blue! We were all relieved that he was still with us and the vet had said there is more life in him yet but he would expect to see him again in a few months.

It had been an emotional day for all. My sister had moved down that so it was a nice distraction from what was going on.

There was something about a lot of C words recently that I wasn't liking. Apart from Christmas and creativity there is Cancer, Chemo and Candida also effecting my life right now. I am still struggling with Candida. Its obviously not as important as the cancer but when it is still effecting me its hard to ignore. Having been on an anti candida diet I have lost a lot of weight. I know I need to put some back on to build my strength up while going through chemo. Putting on weight while on the anti candida diet is virtually impossible to do, so I have been eating things I haven't been able to in the last year. It has to be done carefully though as I will worsen the candida making be ill in other ways.

I must have been over doing it last week because I have really been suffering the last 3 days. It seems so unfair that I can not indulge in all the foods I love the most! I know the chemo also worsens candida as well so I do have to be careful with what I eat. I will have to tackle killing the candida after the chemo. But I must say I AM sick of it right now!!!

I always struggle at the weekends as want to be busy seeing people and socializing. I don't mind being stuck in through the week but when it gets to the weekend I seem to get down. I know it is only temporary and I guess with it being the festive season people are out a lot and it makes you feel like you are missing out. There is plenty time to come to enjoy myself after all this and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It was that time of the month, which I am effected badly by and I was suffering from my yeast infection. I was not having much fun! But there was something to look forward to and that was the Christmas drinks I was having Sunday night. I had only invited a few close girlfriends. My dad decided to take it upon himself to invite all the neighbours round which in fact turned out OK as not all my friends could make it so it livened things up a bit. Not that my small group of friends needs livening up as they are pretty much good at doing that themselves, it was just good to keep the numbers up.

It was a fantastic night! Lots of catching up, drinking and eating, laughs and even guitar hero!!


It is now Tuesday and I am incredibly hungover! It was worth it though as I had a fantastic night out. Its certainly a while since I have had that much fun. The last night I drank that much was on my birthday in August. I feel rough but actually expected to be feeling a lot worse considering I was on the vino rouge. I guess my body thinks its nothing compared to the chemo!

Well this will be my last blog before Christmas so thank you for reading and have a great Yule-tide and New year!

Arrrrrrrgh!!

This is not far from how my reaction was yesterday when I tried on a wig. The first one I tried on I absolutely hated and wanted it off immediately. The lady told me to keep it on for a while but I couldn't, It looked ridiculous. She could sense I wasn't happy. It sat on top of my head and was so obviously not real. It reminded me off when I was young and used to dress up, we had this awful wig I'd put on. She brought me more to try but I wasn't being convinced in the slightest. I guess having short hair now and having got used to it now, was quite bizarre to then look at myself with long hair.

I tried on a real hair wig as there was no way I could wear a synthetic one. It felt a lot better but still so hard to tell as they were all cut in certain styles that I didn't like. I'm a fussy bugger and I knew that if I couldn't get what I wanted I wouldn't bother at all. I would probably have to buy a plain one and get it cut into the style I like. Its so hard to tell when you haven't got it the way you want straight away.

They are not cheap either and hoping the NHS will pay quite a bit towards it. I am sure its something that takes a little while to get used to but at the moment I feel like I'd rather go without and wear scarves. Then again Im sure I'll think differently when my hair does go.

I wanted a long and short one but I don't think that's feasible with the prices being quite high. I know that even when I do have my hair back I will still miss having long hair and it would be great to be able to have it again. I do love having short hair but head banging when your at a rock night doesn't quite have the same effect!

I still haven't found out when my next chemo date is so going to have to do some chasing. With Christmas coming up its something that needs sorting quite urgently.

I finally had a creative day today and started making some Christmas presents. I had a few battles with the sewing machine, with thread and pins everywhere I got there in the end! The more things I made the better they were so it will have to be a toss up as to who gets my first shoddy creation!

My older sis Katie, brother in law and two nieces are moving down tomorrow. It'll be great having them around. Evie and Alice always put a smile on your face!

A 'C' word I do like..

Creativity!
I need to start being creative again. I had to give up my dressmaking course in Brighton and was due to start a pattern cutting course in January. It seems so unfair that having cancer has stopped me from doing that. I did start on the last term of a dressmaking course in Leicester when I got back from traveling. I loved it! Apart from my photography I stopped being creative which is criminal if you have talent. Not that I thought I was particularly amazing at anything. I never had the confidence to pursue anything creative I did because I didn't think any of it was good enough. Its awful not believing in yourself. It helps having support and encouragement which I never had much of. School and college wanted me to push my academic subjects. It infuriates me why they don't push you at what your good at and not what your not good at.There are enough academics in the world. The world need creative people too otherwise we would be living in an extremely boring and dull place.

We wouldn't have music to dance to, art to admire, exciting fashion to wear, books to read, films to watch.... need I go on! I'm very disappointed in myself for not ignoring all those who told me to take more academic subjects to keep my options open. What options? What, just in case I want to be a doctor or a lawyer? Yeah right! Because I certainly didn't need A levels to work in a call centre or an office. Was it just the schools and college I went to or is it like that everywhere? I find it shocking that your not pushed at what you excel at. Doesn't it make sense?

I'm a typical struggling creative type, but I don't exactly help myself either. I need a kick up the arse, motivation, encouragement and support. I don't want to use that and school as an excuse anymore though as now its up to me to sort myself out. I hope that when I've gone through this experience that I will have gained some confidence, self esteem and be able to do it all by myself.

I have always been interested in fashion. At a young age apparently I was perfectionist as young as 5! I colour coordinated everything and if my socks didn't match I would go mad. Can't say I'm still like that though!



I used to love going to fancy dress parties so I could design and make my own costumes. That way it didn't matter if my outfit looked outrageous or badly made. I could look as ridiculous as I wanted and no body cared. I remember at high school we had a couple of bin liner fashions shows. We had to design, make, and model our creations. I loved it! I won the first one and came second in the other.

I never wanted to really do a fashion design degree. For one I didn't think I would be good enough and I also hated the superficial and lovey world that went with it. I knew if I was to become a designer I wouldn't want to be designing for today's fashion trends. Ive never followed fashion, I like what I like and I couldn't give a damn if its last season or not. It just so happens that the vintage fashion is very cool and all the decades as far back as the 30's all come back into fashion at some point or other. So I'm sure I do look like I follow trends at some point.

Its great knowing if I cant get my vintage fix that I can turn to the high street store and pick up a cheap imitation throw away dress to keep me going.

Anyway back to what I was saying. I need to start being creative again before my soul starts slowly deteriorating. I need to start painting and drawing again. Ive not done anything really since college and that's because my art teacher put me off. None of us really liked her. I think she was a bitter person. Probably because she didn't make it as an artist so became a teacher and made art students life a misery instead. Its funny how I pursued photography though, my teacher was lovely and always praised me and told me I was good enough to take it further.

Even though I loved fashion I didn't liked taking photos of the material world. I preferred photographing the natural world. I have two sides to me a bit like a yin and yang, a good balance. I love the calmness and beauty of the natural world but also love the exciting and glamorous fashion world. I like to incorporate the two in fact. Bringing nature into fashion and fashion into nature.

I modeled on and off for a few years but never particularly enjoyed it. I found fashions shows nerve racking but incredibly exciting. The photo shoots I did not enjoy so much. I only ever did it because I was told I could. I wanted to give it a go as the glamour and money appealed to me at the time but I never seemed to get on with it. The only time I did was when I was modeling for a friend or a doing shoot in the outdoors. Modeling vintage clothes in the outdoors... now that's when I'm in my element and can model well because I am being me. I was never any good at pretending to be anything else, even if I did struggle being myself. I guess that's why I was quiet. It was easier then trying to be something else I wasn't.




One day I would love my own boutique. Not an easy thing to do especially at the moment with the recession going on. I wouldn't do it for the money or want to be a famous designer. I'd be more then content, being creative and selling my designs to people who loved them. The feeling of seeing someone try on and love something you created would be so satisfying and make me more then happy. I've thought about having an online shop as it is cheaper having no over heads but it seems so impersonal. I like to meet people, help them one to one. I like the tactile nature of having your own boutique. Seeing someone really pleased and feel good about themselves in a new outfit that you have created is what I want.

If I was to own my own boutique I certainly wouldn't be one of these snooty owners either. There is one shop I love as it is full of vintage treasures. I love their stuff but not their staff. I say staff but its pretty much the owner. She makes you feel like you've been dragged in off the streets with no money to spend. I hate how people judge you on your appearance. Even if I had lots of money I would still dress the same. I would just have a wardrobe so huge I could dress and thousand theatre productions. I certainly wont buy there, its over priced anyway.

Anyway I'm digressing again. The good thing about this time right now is that I HAVE time! Its hard to do what you really want to do if you've got to work in a soul destroying job just to get by. You lose your will and your confidence, your not inspired by anything, It can be hard to push yourself especially if your anything your like me!

I don't have to do a job I hate right now and I have time to inspire myself. I can be creative again. After all I was not put on this planet to waste what talent I was given.

I am going to get back on the dressmaking course in Leicester. I'm certainly not going to let this disease take over and stop me from doing the things I love.

Under the weather..

I was hoping I would be feeling OK by now.... no such luck. I feel like I'm coming down with something but determined not to get ill. The last thing I want is to get an infection and a temperature, otherwise I might have to go into hospital. I hear the Flu is going round so I need to sort out getting the flu jab. I've still not heard about whether I can have my next chemo up here, so that's another thing I have to chase up! The last think I want to do is to go back to Brighton for it.

I have just spoken to a lovely lady who suffers from alopecia. She told me that the NHS in Leicester are great for helping you sort out a wig. Apparently very convincing too. Trendco I hear are the best to purchase a wig from. Strangely enough there was an article in a Sunday supplement about wigs, saying how fashionable they are now.

A lovely lady I met over myspace is starting to write blogs about her Kidney failure. She is having a kidney transplant on Wednesday, so I wish her the very best and hope it goes well. If you are interested in reading about her experience do have a look. I am following her blog, so you can find it via my profile.

Home sweet home

There is nothing like being home with your mum. Home cooking, morning tea in bed, having your washing done, no housework and best of all the company of your loving and crazy mum! I have a beautiful bedroom too which have filled with all my vintage clothes, fabric and sewing bits.

I had my last injection today and the nurse left her mark with a painful jab. I have been a lot better this week with the injections that I have for 5 days on the 5th day after chemo. When I first had them they made me feel very ill, headaches and bone ache. I did not seem to suffer badly this time, apart from the odd morning headache but my body must be getting used to them.

My arm however has been a bit of a mess. I seem to be allergic to everything they use, even the PICC line. The line and plasters have left me very red, bumpy and itchy. I looked like I had 3rd degree burns the other day. The nurse realized my arm needed some air to heal so stopped using the plasters. My arm is less itchy but looks like it is now scaring. The nurse bless her said it looks like she has done a Heath Robinson job as it does look like I have been in the wars! I'm just glad it is winter so I am able to cover it up.

I have had a very relaxing week, getting over the chemo and injections. The house is slowly looking more festive. I love Christmas at my parents house. My mum does a fantastic job at making the house look cosy and Christmasy.

Next week should be fairly busy, making my presents and helping wrapping my mums presents for our huge family. I'm hoping to buy a wig next week which I'm quite excited about.

My hair is still falling out and I'm trying to only wash it once a week. I washed it this morning in the bath and there was a lot of hair left in the tub. Its not so bad being shorter though. When it thins out too much I'll shave the lot off! Everyone loves my hair. My dad said I looked better with short hair too, but he did say that I looked even more like him now! He said it was a compliment. What?, looking like your 60 year old dad..... I don't think so!

Its good to be home but I do miss the bustle of Brighton, Joe and all my friends down there. I've been feeling a little tearful today. I do really miss Joe. I will probably see him over Christmas which will be great but probably very hard and painful again.

Winter is apon us.....

.... because the starlings are flocking. Saturday afternoon we went down to the burnt down pier and watched the starlings flock. It is the most dazzling natural display I think there is to see. A huge murmuration of starlings gather together and put on THE most amazing spectacle of shapes before thousands of them tunnel down on to the pier to roost. If you can find out where you can see this in your area DO check it out! Its beautiful to watch these birds in dusk forming shapes and light in such an eloquent fashion.

The last week has been very emotional. I went back to the flat last Wednesday night because my district nurse was coming over the next morning to flush my PICC line. I knew it was going to be painful seeing Joe after the turbulent weekend we'd had together. That evening was extremely emotional to say the least. It was hard not to act like we were a couple again. Naturally we did. There were a lot of tears that evening. We knew we were doing the right thing for both of us but It didn't mean it made it any easier. We had a good chat about every thing and I was so pleased that we agreed on the reasons for going our separate ways. I think its great that we both recognised that there was a problem, instead of battling on and ending up hating each other. We are the best est of friends and know each other so well that I'm sure we can stay friends. Who knows what the future holds!

I woke up extremely tired and puffy eyed. The nurse came round and flushed my line and changed my dressing. My arm was defiantly reacting to the dressings and had gone very red and lumpy. For the res oft the day I chilled out. Joe took me back to Katie's flat that evening. My friend gave me a call to see if I wanted to see her boyfriend in his band. I felt very tired and was not particularly in the mood but wanted to take every opportunity I could to go out so I had a glass of wine to perk me up. It did the trick!

Walking through Kemp town which is the gay area of Brighton I was getting a lot of looks from passers by. Hoping they were stares of attraction I was flattered, but started to get worried when gay men were looking at me. I turned to Katie and said 'God I hope they are not mistaking me for a young pretty boy!' Haha!

It was a lovely evening and had a couple more white wines. I did not feel drunk, (those who know me know I'm a hardcore drinker, hehe) but boy did I have a cracking headache the next morning. Not such a good thing when you've chemo that day. So in effect I was hungover and feeling shit before the chemo had even started and had a hangover for 4 days! I won't be doing that again.

My friend Plum took me down to the hospital and stopped with me for a while. It was SO brave of her to come with me as she is a very squeamish person. I am very grateful for her coming. I'm going to be brief about the next bit because its already making me feel sick thinking about it!! I had the sweetest male nurse who funnily enough is from Leicestershire! Leicester folk are every where, you cant escape em!

He was adorable and really made my session as comfortable as possible. The chemo hit me stronger this time as it had gone through my line which hit my chest straight away. I instantly felt queasy. The nurse sensed it straight away and asked if I was OK which was lovely as I'm the sort of person that just wouldn't say anything. He gave me a new anti sickness which had only been available 2 months previous.

The nurse also changed my dressing again as my arm was really reacting to all the plastic and sticky stuff. This was Plums queue to leave! She did very well to stay with me for as long as she did. Joe was with me for the rest of the session and took me home. As usual I started to feel very sick but seemed to be more restless this time and couldn't get comfortable. It wasn't a pleasant night.

The next day I got up and met Katie. There was a vintage day on at the local Oxfam. Wild horses wouldn't stop me from going to a vintage day. Unfortunately the dealers had got there early and were nabbing the best stuff. I did manage to find a few bargains, my favourite being an original 70's Black Sabbath baseball top, it rocks!! We went for a tea and pancakes and Ethel's kitchen, my favourite tea rooms. I even managed to head into town to get a few bits for Christmas.

I might of over done it slightly but I felt it was better being out, distracting myself from feeling crap. That evening Joe and I headed over to Hastings to see his folks. I had not seen them for a while. It was good to see them, the cats and the dogs! Joe's folks have been so good to me. Its been like having a second set of parents. I woke up the next morning feeling depressed, I figured this was how it was going to be each time after the chemo. Its not nice to feel so down but at least I can recognise why I am and can snap out of it.

That evening we headed back home. One of my favorite childhood films was on that night, Home Alone. We were too late getting back and missed it so we spent nearly an hour going round all the DVD shops in Brighton trying to find it. Bless Joe, he really wanted to find it for me and he ended up buying the 4 disc box set. We had a cosy night in watching Home alone and drank some mulled wine. Every thing felt so lovely and perfect. This made me feel sad. It was great that our last night together was ending on high but I felt sad that this was the end.

The next morning I woke up with an excruciating headache (probably the mulled wine, I'll never learn). Joe didn't go to work and he looked after me by getting me cold wet flannels to put on my head. I felt rotten and knew leaving was going to be difficult and emotional. I sorted my stuff out and my dad came down to take me up to Leicester. I hate goodbyes and did not want to drag it out so made it as quick an easy as possible. I was not sad about leaving the flat which I was really glad about. I think there are too many associations with the cancer and the flat now so I didn't get attached to it luckily. Although I am a bit of a gypo anyway so moving about is nothing new to me.

The journey felt long and tiring. I was still feeling a little sick, I just wanted to be home. We arrived and It felt so good to walk in to a warm friendly home and see my mum!

The other dreaded 'C' word

This photo was taken in New Zealand. Joe made me climb up this huge mountain with him. I'm not scared of heights but doubted my ability to climb it and was a little scared. It seemed a long way up but I eventually got there. At the top I was very scared as it was very steep, and I was frightened about falling. I know coming down was going to be just as scary. I climbed down, slightly fearful not knowing if I was going to fall. I didn't, I got back down safely. It felt good to be down. I'd achieved something I was not sure I was capable off as well as being fearful.... but I did it!

This is a bit how battling cancer feels. Its a bit scary and you do not know what to expect but you know you will get through it the other side, feeling very good about yourself, proud of how you coped and what you have achieved.

Apart from cancer the other dreaded C word has to be chemotherapy. The word chemo to me as to probably many people has bad connotations attached to it.

I will never forget a film I watched years ago about a woman that was terminally ill with cancer. There were scenes of her having chemo. She was in a dark depressing room, playing classical music.The director had done a good job to make the scene as atmospherically bleak as possible. She was given her chemo and would then be quiet violently sick. I have no idea what film it was and can not remember any other scenes from the film but the scenes of her having chemo always stuck with me. I assumed this is what it was like. I guess it would have been like this many years ago too. Luckily things develop so often that chemo is a lot easier for many people.

It was THE part I really was dreading. It was all so unknown to how I was going to feel after each one, which makes the anticipation even worse. Know one could tell me how I was going to feel. I was told that it is such an individual reaction that you could only wait and see. There was not much point talking to people who had had chemo before or looking up all the awful side effects as there was a chance you would react completely different. Naturally at first I did ask people and I did look up the side effects of chemo, of which all are very unpleasant but it does not mean you are going to get them all.

I was told I could either find chemo a breeze, suffer terribly or react like most people which is in between both extremes. I spoke to some women who said they felt OK on the day of chemo and were ill for a week after or did not react until a quite a few days later. I was not to know how I was going to be which made my decision as to whether to stay in Brighton or go back home to my parents even harder.

I knew going home to my parents would be a better option for me having more care but I felt like I wanted to go through the next treatment with Joe. I was so torn and could not get any advice to help me make my decision any easier. I loved being in Brighton and had always hated Leicester, the pros and cons seemed so equally split. After much deliberation I decided in the end to stay in Brighton. I arranged to have my chemo on a Friday, Joe would have the Friday off and we would have the weekend together. If I was still ill I my mum could then come down and look after me. This seemed a good idea.

Before I started chemo I was a little worried about how I was going to keep my spirits up. I had spoken to a couple of people who went on anti depressants which helped them by taking the edge of things. I have always been against anti depressants but when I saw my doctor she was very convincing in telling me that they would be a great idea. She told me she was a fan of them and did not see the harm on going on them. She told me she thought I should go on them and to start before the chemo. I was still so unsure but took the prescription anyway and tool one that evening.

Well I have to say that was one of the worst evenings I'd had in a long time. I could not sleep, I felt anxious, and went so deep under in depression it was too much to bare. It was like taking a really bad ecstasy pill or having a very bad come down off one. I did not know what to do. There was not much I could do. I got up and rang my friend and we spoke for an hour to try and take my mind off how terrible I was feeling. I eventually went to bed and managed to get to sleep. I woke up in the morning feeling no different. I had to get Joe to come home from work to be with me. It eventually passed.

The only good thing that came out of that experience was that I realised I really did not need anti depressants to get through the next stage. I had got through the surgery without them for a start. I was annoyed I had even doubted my own strength. After all I had got this far in life without them so why would I need to start needing them now! I get annoyed when doctors fob you off with anti depressants. I am sure they are good and help some people at certain times in their life's but I think a lot of people doubt their own strength. I do not think you should suppress your feelings completely, they are there for a reason. How are we suppose to experience light with out darkness in our life's too.

My first chemo session arrived. I was prepared as much as I could be. Everyone who works on the chemo ward make you feel so at ease and comfortable. Its nothing like you expect either. I sat down in a big chair and the nurse went through absolutely everything. To start of with I had the cold cap. Its a big ugly plastic frozen cap attached to a machine that keeps it frozen. Another thing is also put on top (which is bright pink, not my colour at all) this feels like you've got a riding hat on. This is to make sure the cap is tight and is touching your scalp. At first its freezing!! Your head goes numb after a while and you forget you've got it on, except if your boyfriends taking photos of you and laughing at your expense! I did not get an 'ice cream headache' which I told I might experience.

I would recommend anyone who is going to have chemo to give the cold cap a go. You have got nothing to lose! Apart from your hair of course, if your unlucky. I know I will eventually lose my hair when I'm on my second lot of chemo but I thought it would be nice to try and keep it for Christmas! I was told to cut my hair shoulder length before the cold cap too, which I very begrudgingly did. The only down side to the chemo is that your in there for longer. You have to have the cap on for an hour before and after.

So as I did not yet have the PICC line in I had to have a needle so they could inject the chemo. As usual my veins ran away and it was a struggle to get the cannula in. The nurse finally got it and she started to inject the chemo. It was not nice I must admit. It irritated my veins, feeling prickly and itchy, It felt very invasive. This made it all seem so real and I started to cry. It does not take long and they then start giving you anti sickness injections, of which one makes your nose tickle and for a second you feel like you've sat on a hair brush. Ouch!

I was glad when it was all over, we waited an hour for the cold cap to come off. When the nurse attempted to take it off it nearly ripped my hair out, kinda defeats the object! So I had to wait for it to thaw out.

It was not until I got home that I started to feel sick. I was stocked up with plenty of anti sickness tablets. Joe got the sofa bed out and we laid in the front room watching DVDs. Feeling nauseous IS the worst part. The only way I can describe it is like having the worst hangover you have ever had only without the great night out you had before. My anti sickness tablets include steroids which unfortunately causes insomnia with me. Not exactly what you need when your feeling sick.

I woke up the next day feeling better but took it easy and stayed in. The next morning I woke up with a blanket of depression hanging over me. This I could not deal with. I recognised it straight away and rang a friend and met her in town. This did the trick. I needed to snap out of it quick rather then wallowing in it. You can not let it take over, it is SO important to keep your spirits up as much as possible or the whole thing can bring you crumbling down.

On the Monday I was still not myself. I was glad I was not as bad as the day of the chemo but could not seem to relax. I woke up depressed again. It probably did not help being on my own. I could not eat either and knew I needed too. Trying to force yourself to eat when you feel sick is just awful. A good tip I found out was to distract yourself when eating, something your not meant to do to stop you from overeating. I felt so weak and sick and there did not seem like I could do anything about it. I knew I needed someone to be around to help. Just the thought of making myself something to eat seemed like such an effort.

I decided I needed to go home and be around people and to have someone (ie my mum) to look after me. The next day I waited for the district nurse to come round before catching a train home. The nurse had to come round to give me an injection which I have for 5 days. The injections are for your bone marrow and to boost your white blood cells.

After she had gone I went to catch a train home. Just my luck.... all the trains to London were cancelled because of some signal faults. What is wrong with this country, the slightest thing goes wrong and everything turns to pandemonium! I waited a while for the next available train during this time I got a really bad headache. I knew this was one of the side effects from the injections.

The train journey was a long hard ride back home. My head was pounding! I eventually got home and feeling like utter crap. By the end of the night my bones started to ache. The nurse told me I might feel fluy but I thought there was no way I could cope with this after my chemo for 5 days. I tried to find out more about the injections. Most people did not seem to react quiet as badly as me. I think I am just unlucky or maybe my body was in shock from another new drug. I was sick of taking more drugs from the side effects of other drugs. It seemed never ending!

I was too scared to take the injection the next day as I had woken up in the middle of the night, my head feeling like It was going to explode! I realised that these injections were incredibly important and was worth going through some pain if it was to stop be ending up in hospital with an infection.

I took the rest and each day was different. My dad gave me the rest of the injections. What a lovely wake up call, your dad stabbing you in the leg!! My mum went outside so she could not hear the screams. I was impressed that he had not hurt me the first time... it went down hill from there though.

Each day was different, one day I got a headache the next my bones ached. I got up from sitting down my hips were stiff and achy... I think I now know whats its like to be 80 years old!

This is the first blog that is has been quiet hard to write. The chemo is not over and I still dread every one even though its not as bad as I thought It was going to be. So far I am very lucky with how I am feel after each one. It has not been anywhere near as bad as I thought I was going to feel. I DO hate the nausea and find that hard to deal with but knew I would defiantly experience that part. I feel nauseous thinking about feeling nauseous. I have been told that each chemo session I could feel differently and that the second lot of chemo is going to be tougher.

Two down and four to go though, nearly half way feels good.

Post Op

It seems like its been ages since I came out of hospital, 7 weeks in fact. I stopped writing in my diary so do not remember an awful lot.

It felt great to be home again and to be in my own environment again! I slept like a baby and enjoyed no interruptions. Joe's cooking was great compared to the hospital food. In fact his cooking is very good anyway, one of the things I love about him. I would say the way to my heart is defiantly through my stomach!

The only down fall about being home alone though was all the time I had on my hands. I ended up looking up all sorts of things to do with the treatment I was going to be having. I would get myself into a frenzy about it. Looking at all treatments all at once seemed too much to bare too! You really do have to take each step as it comes and to try and not look things up on the Internet or you can never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

A few days later I found a little lump underneath my wound and totally freaked out. I thought it may have been the port from my expander.  I went to see a doctor and he said it was probably a pocket of fluid. It did disappear after a few days so was very relieved. Its quite scary coming out of hospital and not knowing whether some things are normal or not. 

I did not like wearing the elastic support band as it was quite uncomfortable and did not wear it all the time at first. When I looked on the breast care website and read that some peoples expanders had moved about, even into their armpit I made sure I wore it.

My mum and sister came down for a few days which was lovely and kept me occupied. We went for my Post op appointment and all was to be expected really. The doctor confirmed the  size of the tumour and that the cancer had spread to the 2nd tier of lymph nodes. I would defiantly need the rest of the treatment that they had already suggested.

I did have a huge lump under my arm where the fluid was building up which is called a seroma. This was very normal and had it drained. It was a goo job I couldn't feel a thing because the size of the needle was like I have never seen before! I'm sure my mum was sitting the other side of the curtain worrying! I was quite surprised when she said she wanted to have a look at my wound. I happily showed her and I think she was surprised at how good it looked too.

I had to start to doing physio twice a week as I could not raise my arm fully. It was hard and frustrating at first but got easier. I still have got full use of my arm but it is a lot better.

I went to see the plastic surgeon in East Grinsted and he was very pleased with the results. I had my seroma drained. It felt great not having a lump under my arm. I was really pleased to hear that I did not have to wear the elastic support band too as it added to the pain. Its great they get you to wear it as it keeps the expander in place while breast tissue is growing around it.

 Joe and I went to the Hastings bonfire night which is 2 weeks before Guy Fawkes night as it is more of a pagan tradition. I was very nervous about being out and about in the crowds so we went up on the hill and watched the fireworks from there. My wound still hurt especially when I walked so walking up the hill was really uncomfortable. I was worried that I was over doing it.

I love animals and hear that they are good to help a fast recovery. I love going to Joe's parents house to see their cats and dogs. Mims and Mitzy are my favourite. Mims is a whippet cross who is so funny because she has a brain the size of a pea! Mitzy loves me which is apparently odd as she only loves Joe's mum. Nell the other dog is very sensitive to whats going on her around her and Ginge the other cat is the handsome one of the bunch.

I went back to Leicester for a bit. Everyone I saw could not believe how well I was doing. I was coping so well and after the pain had gone the surgery was not bothering me one bit. I surprised myself at haw well I was coping. I was ready to be a mess and to have to see a councilor about it. I thought I would not want Joe to see me or come near me but that was not the case either. It helped that the surgeons had done such a good job but I also realised that there was no need to be insecure. After all I had not changed as a person, I was still me with or without my breast.

I tried to enjoy the rest of the time I had before my chemo. I knew that this part was probably going to be the toughest!

Mia Farrow eat your heart out!

Well firstly I feel GREAT! I luuuuuuurve my new hair do! Its given me some new found confidence strangely enough. I wish I'd had it done ages ago. I have had short hair before but no way near as good as this one. My friend and hairdresser Jenny Chase is the most talented girl I know.

Jen came down from London last night after work. We were both quite nervous about doing it and were nearly in tears. I was still at my friends and was tired and feeling tearful anyway. I knew I what I wanted but I did not have any photos to show Jen. I just told her to do a 60's pixie crop.

I tugged on my hair just to make sure it was really falling out still. It seemed like it was only falling out at the back. This is probably where the cold cap was not reaching my scalp.

We went for it... it seemed to take a long time but I knew Jen was doing a very good job. She told me she loved it and that she would not do this hair cut on anyone else. I was nervous about what it was going to look like. I had every confidence in her to do a great job, I just did not feel ready to go short again.

She finished and I went into the other room to show Katie and looked in the mirror. My instant reaction was "Wow, I love it!!!!" Jen has done an amazing job, especially as she had no photo to go on. It was exactly what I wanted. It was like she had got into my head and seen the image I had in my mind.

Jen...... you rock and are the most amazing hairdresser as well as friend. I love you to pieces!!!!!

When it rains it F ing pours!

Well I think the title of this post says it all really. The last three days have been the most distressing since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I'd had a lovely night out on the Friday with my friends. Joe and I went back home fairly early and started to talk. This ended up in a huge argument which carried on the next day. Both being fire signs, we threw fire balls at each other and said a lot of hurtful things. It ended up with us splitting up. We have done this many times before but always got back together. Unfortunately this time its for the best, for now anyway at least.

I can not go into details obviously, but one of the reasons for our split this cliche sums up quite well, "You can not love any one else until you learn to love yourself." No argument is pleasant but this one was particularly horrible. You can not just switch your feelings off either. It was not exactly good timing but for the moment its for the best. I will be having the rest of my treatment up in Leicester which I had actually already decided to do before we finished.

It is so important to keep your spirits up and to have plenty of people around you. It will be bliss not to have to worry about any housework too! Getting a cup of tea in bed in the morning pretty good also! I get too lonely at home as Joe works long and hard hours to keep us living in the flat we are in. I felt like this was an unnecessary financial strain for him to be under so we had decided to give up the flat anyway.

No relationship at the age we are at should have to go though what Joe and I are going through and I think its harder when your not totally settled from traveling, and still in debt from it as well as uni makes it even tougher. I can imagine if your married with kids and have a stable life things would be slightly easier. I guess only slightly though as I could not imagine having children to look after too, but at least its something to focus on and keeps your life feel fairly normal.

My life has been far from normal and wasn't normal when I was diagnosed as had not long got back from traveling, moved to a new city and had only just started a temping job. So when my McMillan nurse advised me to stay down here to keep my life as normal as possible, I thought that was quite funny!

So... I have been staying at my modette friend Katie's flat in Kemp town. She is a great person to be around as she is mad as a march hare! She also has the coolist 60's pad, so I feel right at home there!! I also have some very good friends, Plum-alishous and Loo Loo the elven princess living up the road who are doubly as mad. So as you can see I am being looked after by some great people.

Sunday night I was finding it hard to sleep. My arm with my PICC line in started to itch. I am an itchy sort of person anyway, particularly when I'm stressed. My PICC line is covered in sticky plastic so is bound to get a bit hot and irritable too. I was up till 4 in the morning on the bathroom floor crying and scratching my arm. I started to peel away the plastic and wanted to rip the whole thing off as it was pissing me off that much. Its another constant reminder of what I'm going through and do hate having it at the moment but Im sure I'll get used to it like I have my tempoary breast. I know it is worth it to save my veins too.

The next day I saw that my PICC line was bleeding quite a bit and because I had peeled off a lot of the plastic it was starting to leak so knew I had to go to the hospital to get it sorted. Luckily the hospital is up the road.

I went for a shower and washed my hair. What I had been dreading the most started to happen..... I was starting to lose my hair. It was so distressing, every time I put my hands threw my hair to wash the shampoo out little clumps of hair were falling out.

It is bad timing for this to start happening. I was on my own, just split from my boyfriend and my PICC line was bleeding. It could not of got any worse. I did not even wash all the shampoo out as I just could not take seeing my hair come out with such ease into my hands. I rang my friend in tears and she rushed down.

I knew this was going to happen at some point but I really do not think you can be mentally prepared for this. I think it is just as much as a shock as if you did not know it was going to happen. I knew the day would come but did not think it would happen so soon, especially as I used the cold cap. I'm sure the stress from the weekend would not have helped though. Losing your hair I feel is the worst part of this whole experience. Strangely even more so then losing your breast as it is more visible to others.

My friend Plum came over and we went off to the hospital and I got my PICC line sorted. We then went and had a cup of tea and put the world to rights!

I was so exhausted and chilled out in front of the TV on my own last night. Joe and I spoke and it seems like we can continue being friends. He said he still wants to be there for me through this as much as he can be. It feels a lot better now we are talking and not shouting at each other. Despite moving back to Leicester I do not want to lose touch with Brighton at all and will come down regularly when I feel up to. I will miss Joe and my barking mad girlfriends!

Jen is coming down from London tonight to cut my hair very short. I have always loved Mia Farrow so this is the look I am going to go for! I could not bring myself to wash my hair this morning. I woke up with lots of hair on my pillow and I only have to touch my head and have lots of hair in my hands. I have put a scarf on my head today. I have actually never worn one on my head before.

I spoke to my McMillan nurse this morning. I told her what was going on. She said she always wonders what I'm going to say as every time I call as things always seem to change. I told her that is this story of my life and that I could write a book. I also said to her "Well when it rains it f***ing pours!" She laughed and said "I'm going to use that expression but without the f word perhaps."


*******While I have been sitting in the cafe writing this blog I could not help but over hear some people sitting near to me talking about McMillan nurses and being in hospital. I had to say something as it appeared this young girl was going through something similar to me. I was right, this beautiful girl had been diagnosed with cancer and had been in hospital for a hysterectomy at the very young age of 24. She felt the same way as me about not having enough support for our age group. I gave her my link to my blog which I hope she finds helpful. She is finding out whether she has to have chemo tomorrow...... so Good luck Catherine! (sorry if I have spelt your name wrong)**********