A winter wonderland

The last two weeks I realised that I still had some things from the past I needed to let go off. It can be a tough lesson but as long as you realise it and finally let go and put it to rest then you can embrace the new things that come into your life. In dreams snow symbolises new beginnings. I like to think that this is the case in reality especially for me at this time.

I feel like I have only just about got over the last chemo and the last but one is approaching already. Its been a really tough last week, emotionally and physically. I had felt so crap for so long that it was really getting to me and started to worry about everything from the present to the future. I really don't need to be worrying about the future right now but when your lying in bed for days bored out of your mind because you have tired of all possible things to keep you amused, which is not a lot then there seems not much else to do.

I can be my worst enemy, I do my own head in! I think way too much and analyse things and become frustrated and impatient. There seemed to be too much going on in my head last week and I felt like I really couldn't deal with it... I can of course but when your heads gone into that dark place it doesn't feel that way. Its hard to separate the way your feeling because of the chemo and just the way you can be generally. The chemo zaps you of all your energy and it feels like even your soul. I do not feel myself most of the time at the moment. I know it wont last forever I just find it hard to be around people when I feel like that. I would rather wallow in my own misery by myself. It doesn't matter what anyone says to you because they don't understand how your feeling. All the "Its nearly over" and"try and stay positive"'s don't mean a thing to you when you feel this low.

There are times when I feel like I'm going to lose it or I just want to run away from it all and forget about cancer. Cancer... I'm sick of the word, I hate it! Its everywhere, it happens to too many people, good people too., people who do not deserve this terrifying and evil disease. For the ones that have a chance of survival and get through it, I'm sure have learnt and grown from the tough and exhausting experience but for the ones who have no chance of survival, how do they stay positive and make sense of it. It angers and heartbreaks me. I am a very spiritual person who believe everything happens for a reason but when you hear of someone that has cancer with only months to live I just don't know what to think. Life can be so cruel.

I could now rant on about a few issues but am going to refrain for now!

This post is turning into a negative one so I will change the mood as its not all doom and gloom... but just one more last sad bit of news. Our last surviving dog Blue had to be put down on Sunday. He was deteriorating slowly and all of a sudden he seemed very unwell and we agreed the time had come. He'd had a long and good life and felt the suffering should no longer go on. He was a quiet dog and you almost forgot he was even there at times but it was very strange having him no longer laid in the middle of the kitchen floor anymore.

I was glad when last week was over. I have been feeling better this week. I still have a lingering sore throat and am very tired at the moment. Its been nice to wake up to snow every morning. The world seems so beautiful and magical when its covered in it. Its not quite as exciting when your not snowed in and its stopping you going to school or work though. I wished the snow had fallen last week when I was stuck in bed as now I feel better I want to go out but its a bit risky with the icy roads. I did not let it stop me yesterday though and I went to see a friend who it seemed I had not seen for ages. It was very very good spending time with them and it cheered me up enormously.

So next Wednesday is my last but one chemo. I do not actually dread the chemo anymore but the cold cap. It is so painful and makes me feel sick. It does worsen the experience but with all the hair I still have left it has to be worth it! I have no idea whether by the end of it I will still have hair or not. I think it will be pretty amazing if I do. To keep it for as long as I have already I would recommend it to anyone who will be undergoing chemotherapy.

Well I have not enjoyed the snow as much as I would like to have done but I hope you all have made the most of it!