So, I turned 40 a month ago and am now officially 11 years cancer free. That’s a pretty huge achievement for me considering I've nearly died a few times. As you can imagine, being diagnosed with cancer felt like the worst day of my life. I didn't necessarily think I was going to die though, I had too much of an 'I'm invincible attitude'. It was the the treatment and losing my breast that scared me the most.
Birthday photos
It's been a very very long journey. People assume cancer ends the day it's been taken out and you're in remission. It's definitly not. You're left with emotional pain that people can't see. If I could turn back the clock I would have dived straight into therapy. It wasn't necessarily just to talk about cancer but all the emotional pain and trauma I had before, which I believe contributed massively to me developing breast cancer.
I started my self healing journey four years ago. I did well to begin with and figured out a lot. The main thing for me at that point was to change my negative and self sabotaging patterns. I did this by coming across a guy called Joe Dispenza, a scientist who was in a documentary film called "What the bleep do we know". I've always been spiritual and philosophical but was beginning to think some of it was just a load of hippy shit, and that's why what I tried to practise didn't work. I never understood science much as a kid but the older I got the more I understood it, and since science and spirituality have combined, it has helped me believe the hippy shit a lot more.
Positive thinking was where I began. I'd wake up everyday look at myself in the mirror and told myself I was a beautiful, loving person, worthy of good things. It's not easy when you've not believed it for most of your life. I pretty much hated who I was and had no self esteem. If any negative thought popped into my head I'd kick it straight back out. It didn't work over night. With anything, it takes practice, and I had to re train the neurones in my brain. The ones that had nearly 40 years of negative beliefs. I also got into the law of attraction and practiced manifesting things. To my amazement it worked straight away!
I've manifested jobs, places to live, money (not enough yet), and even people! I was beginning to realise that what you put out you get back. After all, we are made up of atoms which is energy, so it makes perfect sense that you will only attract the same energy you put out. I'm pretty certain I made my motorbike accident happen four years ago when I was working in Thailand. That will seem absurd to some people, but it doesn't to me. I was so desperate to not go back to my life I hated so much in Hastings, that I begged the universe to give me something big that would help me stay longer, and boy did it! The problem there was I hadn't been specific. I just said "Something! Anything!" OK then there you go, that will make you stay in Thailand for another month. SO when people say be careful what you wish for, then take them seriously! You can ask the universe for anything and you will receive it. This is also when I realised that in the past I often said what I didn't want in life and not what I did want. Our words are so powerful, you will still attract what you say you don't want, so wish wisely. I began being more careful and mindful about what language I used and It made a massive difference.
I began to feel better. I was starting to figure stuff out, and my depression seemed to disappear. The next year went by and I felt good, happy, having fun and living life to the full. I was far from sorted though, I was still binge drinking, still attracting the wrong sort of guys and began to feel anxiety like I'd never felt before. I was starting to feel anxious about my future, where was I going, what was I doing, surely there's more to live than just this. I was still feeling slightly unsettled. It wasn't till the beginning of this summer I decided to see a psychotherapist. I was so confused about my life and needed some help. I wasn't sure It would help me to be honest. I'd gone over my past so much that I didn't want to rehash it again, I was worried it would just get imprinted in me more and I'd carry on living the story of my past. The therapy actually helped massively, and the timing was perfect because then I found out about my toxic implants which brought back a tonne of old shit up. She helped me with the guilt which seemed to riddle me and I made sense of other things I'd not yet figured out.
At the beginning, I said I had no issues surrounding cancer and still wanted to travel and that I also had no desire to settle down. By the end, I realised I had lots of issues with my cancer experience and that I actually did want to settle. It's no coincidence that the more I was becoming settled in my head the more I felt ready to settle geographically too. Trouble is I didn't feel like it was here in Hastings. I felt ready for a brand new chapter in life. I am so glad I settled here for the last four years though, as now for the first time in my life I have somewhere I can call home. I knew I needed stability and consistency. Something Ive never really had before. I've built up great friendships and got the best support and love from them. I'd flitted around the country and world too much in the past to have had any solid friendships. The combination of therapy and staying in one place for a while was making me feel more mentally settled and balanced.
I carried on with my own self help and discovered more amazing people like Brian Lipton, a biologist who was a new favourite of mine. I read his book, Biology of belief which made so much sense to me. Half the battle is just figuring out why you are the way you are and then you can help yourself a lot more easily. I really felt I was getting somewhere. I had one big important thing to tackle though....
A family friend of mine, Julia King had read my blog and wanted to help me further with a new form of therapy. Rapid Transformational Therapy. She told me this would change my life. Some people need around 1-3 sessions. I was certain one session would work as I'd already done so much healing and was very aware of a lot stuff. RTT is a hybrid therapy that offers unparalleled results; combining the most beneficial principles of hypnotherapy, NLP, psychotherapy and CBT. It means freedom from life-long issues by allowing the subconscious mind to locate where the emotion/limiting belief came from. Julia explains,"We then update that meaning through understanding, giving you the freedom you deserve and it's permanent, because there is no way to go back to something that doesn't exist any more." I felt the results instantly. After our face to face session I was given a recording that Julia tailored to me and was to listen to everyday for three weeks, then once or twice a week after. I did this every night before I went to sleep. I noticed that I started to feel so much lighter and more loved. My main aim was to be able to completely break away from my old life story that served no purpose for me anymore. I wanted to love myself and be able to be in a relationship and accept love fully and vice versa.
I can honestly say this is the most, settled, loved and balanced I've ever felt. I've noticed huge changes in me. I always knew loving yourself was so important but I never knew really how to. My self sabotaging days are over. I now can't quite believe the things I did in the past to myself. It makes me feel sad that I'd abuse myself like that. I had no self worth what's so ever. That has now changed!
A week with the folks before I leave.
Autumn has arrived and Im feeling incredibly excited about my travels. I go to America for 3 months. I begin by driving a camper van round New England for a month. I haven't done anything like this since I was in New Zealand 11 years ago, and I've never done it on my own before. It will be so good for me and more then anything I'm excited about the sense of freedom I will feel, taking photos with my new camera and writing about my experience. Here are a couple of shots using my new Fuji camera. These 3 months I will have a break from thinking about breast cancer and my implants. I see this trip as quite a huge thing for me, I'm breaking free from a lot of things, standing on my own two feet again, and having the time and space to try manifest the new chapter In my life.
My original plan was to go for six months but I hadn't saved quite enough so have cut the trip short. My GoFundMe page is still open and I'd be grateful for any donations. Thank you to everyone who has donated so far.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/travel-writing-career-dream?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet
Or you can buy one of my Save the Tata’s T-shirt’s I designed last year for breast cancer awareness. 20% goes towards a breast cancer charity Hello Beautiful.
www.forestelfvintage.com
It's been a very very long journey. People assume cancer ends the day it's been taken out and you're in remission. It's definitly not. You're left with emotional pain that people can't see. If I could turn back the clock I would have dived straight into therapy. It wasn't necessarily just to talk about cancer but all the emotional pain and trauma I had before, which I believe contributed massively to me developing breast cancer.
I started my self healing journey four years ago. I did well to begin with and figured out a lot. The main thing for me at that point was to change my negative and self sabotaging patterns. I did this by coming across a guy called Joe Dispenza, a scientist who was in a documentary film called "What the bleep do we know". I've always been spiritual and philosophical but was beginning to think some of it was just a load of hippy shit, and that's why what I tried to practise didn't work. I never understood science much as a kid but the older I got the more I understood it, and since science and spirituality have combined, it has helped me believe the hippy shit a lot more.
Positive thinking was where I began. I'd wake up everyday look at myself in the mirror and told myself I was a beautiful, loving person, worthy of good things. It's not easy when you've not believed it for most of your life. I pretty much hated who I was and had no self esteem. If any negative thought popped into my head I'd kick it straight back out. It didn't work over night. With anything, it takes practice, and I had to re train the neurones in my brain. The ones that had nearly 40 years of negative beliefs. I also got into the law of attraction and practiced manifesting things. To my amazement it worked straight away!
I've manifested jobs, places to live, money (not enough yet), and even people! I was beginning to realise that what you put out you get back. After all, we are made up of atoms which is energy, so it makes perfect sense that you will only attract the same energy you put out. I'm pretty certain I made my motorbike accident happen four years ago when I was working in Thailand. That will seem absurd to some people, but it doesn't to me. I was so desperate to not go back to my life I hated so much in Hastings, that I begged the universe to give me something big that would help me stay longer, and boy did it! The problem there was I hadn't been specific. I just said "Something! Anything!" OK then there you go, that will make you stay in Thailand for another month. SO when people say be careful what you wish for, then take them seriously! You can ask the universe for anything and you will receive it. This is also when I realised that in the past I often said what I didn't want in life and not what I did want. Our words are so powerful, you will still attract what you say you don't want, so wish wisely. I began being more careful and mindful about what language I used and It made a massive difference.
I began to feel better. I was starting to figure stuff out, and my depression seemed to disappear. The next year went by and I felt good, happy, having fun and living life to the full. I was far from sorted though, I was still binge drinking, still attracting the wrong sort of guys and began to feel anxiety like I'd never felt before. I was starting to feel anxious about my future, where was I going, what was I doing, surely there's more to live than just this. I was still feeling slightly unsettled. It wasn't till the beginning of this summer I decided to see a psychotherapist. I was so confused about my life and needed some help. I wasn't sure It would help me to be honest. I'd gone over my past so much that I didn't want to rehash it again, I was worried it would just get imprinted in me more and I'd carry on living the story of my past. The therapy actually helped massively, and the timing was perfect because then I found out about my toxic implants which brought back a tonne of old shit up. She helped me with the guilt which seemed to riddle me and I made sense of other things I'd not yet figured out.
At the beginning, I said I had no issues surrounding cancer and still wanted to travel and that I also had no desire to settle down. By the end, I realised I had lots of issues with my cancer experience and that I actually did want to settle. It's no coincidence that the more I was becoming settled in my head the more I felt ready to settle geographically too. Trouble is I didn't feel like it was here in Hastings. I felt ready for a brand new chapter in life. I am so glad I settled here for the last four years though, as now for the first time in my life I have somewhere I can call home. I knew I needed stability and consistency. Something Ive never really had before. I've built up great friendships and got the best support and love from them. I'd flitted around the country and world too much in the past to have had any solid friendships. The combination of therapy and staying in one place for a while was making me feel more mentally settled and balanced.
I carried on with my own self help and discovered more amazing people like Brian Lipton, a biologist who was a new favourite of mine. I read his book, Biology of belief which made so much sense to me. Half the battle is just figuring out why you are the way you are and then you can help yourself a lot more easily. I really felt I was getting somewhere. I had one big important thing to tackle though....
A family friend of mine, Julia King had read my blog and wanted to help me further with a new form of therapy. Rapid Transformational Therapy. She told me this would change my life. Some people need around 1-3 sessions. I was certain one session would work as I'd already done so much healing and was very aware of a lot stuff. RTT is a hybrid therapy that offers unparalleled results; combining the most beneficial principles of hypnotherapy, NLP, psychotherapy and CBT. It means freedom from life-long issues by allowing the subconscious mind to locate where the emotion/limiting belief came from. Julia explains,"We then update that meaning through understanding, giving you the freedom you deserve and it's permanent, because there is no way to go back to something that doesn't exist any more." I felt the results instantly. After our face to face session I was given a recording that Julia tailored to me and was to listen to everyday for three weeks, then once or twice a week after. I did this every night before I went to sleep. I noticed that I started to feel so much lighter and more loved. My main aim was to be able to completely break away from my old life story that served no purpose for me anymore. I wanted to love myself and be able to be in a relationship and accept love fully and vice versa.
I can honestly say this is the most, settled, loved and balanced I've ever felt. I've noticed huge changes in me. I always knew loving yourself was so important but I never knew really how to. My self sabotaging days are over. I now can't quite believe the things I did in the past to myself. It makes me feel sad that I'd abuse myself like that. I had no self worth what's so ever. That has now changed!
Autumn has arrived and Im feeling incredibly excited about my travels. I go to America for 3 months. I begin by driving a camper van round New England for a month. I haven't done anything like this since I was in New Zealand 11 years ago, and I've never done it on my own before. It will be so good for me and more then anything I'm excited about the sense of freedom I will feel, taking photos with my new camera and writing about my experience. Here are a couple of shots using my new Fuji camera. These 3 months I will have a break from thinking about breast cancer and my implants. I see this trip as quite a huge thing for me, I'm breaking free from a lot of things, standing on my own two feet again, and having the time and space to try manifest the new chapter In my life.
My original plan was to go for six months but I hadn't saved quite enough so have cut the trip short. My GoFundMe page is still open and I'd be grateful for any donations. Thank you to everyone who has donated so far.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/travel-writing-career-dream?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet
Or you can buy one of my Save the Tata’s T-shirt’s I designed last year for breast cancer awareness. 20% goes towards a breast cancer charity Hello Beautiful.
www.forestelfvintage.com
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